The Vanished Archives

Disclaimer:

This work is purely a work of parody, and all names appearing within it are entirely fictional, bearing no resemblance to any real individuals, places, or organizations. We kindly request a rational approach to your reading, and we hope you thoroughly enjoy it. Thank you for your cooperation.

[The following is deleted footage]

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Welcome to our esteemed company! My dear friends, I trust you find yourselves immensely intrigued by our unique venture: the ‘Magical Girl Investment’ program.

What’s that? You inquire about the inherent risks of heart-wrenching, dark, and tragic narratives? A pertinent concern, indeed.

Ah, my friend, those are merely tactics employed for commercial sensationalism. They deliberately fabricate rumors, tarnish reputations, and weave convoluted real-life tragedies into the fabric of magical girl narratives, forcing audiences to witness hapless children endure endless suffering, culminating in utterly powerless and heartbreaking conclusions! Confound it!

Alas, it is precisely due to such egregious misrepresentations that, for over a decade, the number of aspiring magical girls has dwindled dramatically. Those few who do appear often possess eyes as lifeless as a dead fish, as if signing away their very souls, making us appear akin to some illicit trafficking ring! Presently, we find ourselves utterly unable to recruit fresh talent, ha-ha… Indeed, when one has the opportunity to join the ranks of transforming warriors, disguised squadrons, or even Ultramen next door, who would still clamor to be a magical girl? Ah, how vexing! Those wretched *onore no shiba*—

[BEEP—(Redacted)]

My sincerest apologies; that was quite unprofessional of me. I assure you, I fully comprehend your apprehensions. However, rest assured, as a reputable publicly traded company, our selection process for magical girls unequivocally adheres to our core tenets! Health! Positivity! Joy! Justice! Dreams! Friendship! Unity! Yes!!

Ahem, returning to the main topic.

Admittedly, as a corporation dedicated to the investment and cultivation of magical girls, our current circumstances are far from ideal. We recognize the unfortunate reality of this predicament.

With the ever-advancing proliferation of the internet, children nowadays mature at an accelerated pace. Their essays on ‘dreams’ increasingly resemble mere assignments crafted to appease their teachers. From an early age, they are indoctrinated with the harsh realities of society, compelled to heed their parents’ directives, and burdened with the immense responsibility of securing their future livelihoods.

Therefore!! Our company shall no longer be constrained by the conventional pursuit of merely ‘creating’ magical girls. Instead, we shall *forge* magical ‘girls’! Without further ado, I invite you to behold our exclusive promotional highlight reel! Ta-da!

[CRACKLE, THUMP-THUMP (Sound of an old DVD player)]

Observe closely: the hapless individual before you—no, forgive me, the boy is named Xiaoxin. He is sixteen years old, a student, and his passion lies in watching tokusatsu, often fantasizing about one day becoming a super transforming hero. Despite his age, he stubbornly clings to such impractical dreams.

Suddenly, a vehicle hurtles rapidly from his side, cunningly disguised as a high-speed red orb, on a collision course with Xiaoxin!

[THUD! SPLAT… ] A perfect hit!

“I… what is this?”

“Open your eyes, brave youth! I am Ultraman, a sentinel who has journeyed to safeguard Earth’s tranquility. Yet, in saving your life, my very soul must now descend into slumber. This immense power can only be bestowed upon you! Now, quickly, wield it to transform! Save the world!”

For the boy, we played our company’s expertly doctored and synthesized video product—a perfect experiential rendition crafted through collaboration with numerous human ‘hosts’ and enhanced by the authentic voice acting of professional performers from across the globe, all to maximize its realism.

This flawlessly recreated the utterly classic, albeit cliché, trope of a cosmic hero possessing a human host—a scenario that would typically leave anyone utterly bewildered. Yet, the boy, confronted with this spectacle, believed it without a shadow of a doubt!

Behold, he wept tears of sheer elation, reminiscing about life’s arduous trials as he flung his arms wide to the heavens, much like a prisoner liberated from confinement, finally finding salvation! He exclaimed with fervent conviction:

“A glorious future! It begins now!”

With a mere adjustment of the magic wand’s color palette to a simple red and white, and the addition of a few subtle accessories, the magical girl’s staff flawlessly transforms into Ultraman’s iconic transformation device. At this precise moment, Xiaoxin’s face is alight with the radiant smile of a dream fulfilled. However, as the pink special effects envelop his entire form, and his school uniform is shed by a blinding golden holy light, that joyous smile slowly, inexorably, solidifies into something else entirely.

He had been duped. Yet, his body, against his will, yielded to the rhythmic pulse of magic, spinning, leaping, and closing his eyes. The enveloping light gradually coalesced into the soft, flowing skirt of a Western-style dress. His physique, and certain… *unmentionable* areas, progressively diminished and reshaped. His hair elongated, transforming into cascades of soft, sweet, cream-colored tresses. His face grew delicate and endearing, adorned with slender eyelashes and a pair of captivating, jewel-like golden irises—a sight designed to pierce the very hearts of even the most hardened men.

“Magical Girl ♡ Xin-chan ♡! Here I am!”

“No! ‘Here I am,’ my foot! Why in the world have I been turned into a magical girl?!”

Thus, a passionate, hot-blooded young man was ‘coerced’ into becoming a 135cm magical girl (though she is destined to grow). And this, my friends, is merely the beginning! Imagine, if you will, the ‘victim’s’ likely reaction at this juncture:

50%: “I want a refund! I’m not going to be a magical girl!”

40%: They’d throw the magic wand to the ground and storm off in a huff.

10%: “Hooray!!!”

Ah, regardless of your chosen outcome, we shall proceed with the scenario most likely to occur—the 90% probability. Indeed, our company’s second tier of service is about to commence!

To preempt any potential ‘strikes’ from these young men, who might find it utterly unacceptable to reconcile their destined roles as knights or luminous giants with the reality of battling monsters whilst clad in vibrant short skirts, we have devised a solution.

The Monster Research Institute, generously sponsored by the Hero Professional Protection Association, along with the talented children from the Drama Training Academy, will collaboratively stage a compelling performance.

The very instant Xiaoxin, still reeling from his transformation into a magical girl, begins to doubt his existence and contemplate surrender, pre-planted explosives will be detonated. Subsequently, a group of children, their faces smudged with theatrical smoke, will rush out, crying for help, with menacing ‘monsters’ hot on their heels.

“Puji Puri! Xin-chan, it’s terrible! It’s the Slime Monsters! They’re attacking the children!”

“Damn it! Where in the world did *you* come from, you thing that looks like a magical girl’s sidekick pet?!”

“And another thing! Don’t you dare call me Xin-chan! I, Yu Wangxin, would sooner be captured by slime monsters, subjected to tentacle-play, than ever become a magical girl!”

“But can you truly bear to watch these children come to harm? Please, for their sake, if for no other reason, embrace your role as Xin-chan!”

“How do you expect me to fight in *this* outfit?! I have absolutely no desire to be a magical girl! Can’t you simply find someone more suitable?!”

At this crucial moment, we instruct our ensemble cast to escalate their performance with even greater fervor, thereby amplifying the perceived crisis!

“Children, flee! Hurry and flee!” the middle-aged woman, feigning entrapment beneath a boulder, began her exquisitely dramatic performance.

Meanwhile, the boy before them frantically struggled to dislodge the heavy stone with both hands, desperately attempting to rescue the woman portraying the mother figure. His genuine emotion shone through, his portrayal utterly convincing and perfectly executed—after all, extra ‘chicken legs’ were at stake, leaving no room for negligence.

How could a sixteen-year-old youth, an aspiring young man still so innocently clinging to his dream of heroism, remain unmoved and unwavering in such a dire situation? At this precise moment, only one action remains.

[SLAP] The mascot doll suddenly extended a palm and delivered a sharp slap! Granting the youth no quarter for deliberation, the resounding blow immediately stunned him into paralysis!

“Ouch! My dad never hit me like that…”

“What significance do your eyes hold?! What is the meaning of that face?! And your tears, what are *they* worth?! Can your tears, boy, truly save anyone?!”

Of course, the underlying reason for his distress was the inexplicable demand to become a magical girl, compounded by a physical assault…

Naturally, such trivialities are inconsequential. From a position of unassailable moral authority! We compel the youth, now imbued with magical girl powers, to rescue a child who is clearly part of the staged chaos, overwhelming them with sheer force of will! We meticulously craft a scenario where only one option presents itself, allowing absolutely no time for deliberation!

This, too, serves as our—and the esteemed members of the Hero Association’s—crucial test of the candidate’s qualifications. If one lacks even the courage to cast aside their shame and protect others, how can they possibly aspire to be a hero?!

After all, he is a youth who dreams of becoming a hero, is he not?! That unblemished heart is precisely what we seek! Moreover, it perfectly embodies the spirit of chivalry: to safeguard the future of children for the sake of justice, fighting even if it means assuming a ‘distorted’ form!

—So, could you perhaps stop crying now?

My sincerest apologies, I seem to have lost my composure for a moment. The subsequent events, naturally, involve the rather mundane spectacle of magical girls vanquishing monsters—a narrative arc I presume holds little interest for you. Nevertheless, there is no denying that by employing these methods, the caliber of our company’s magical girls has seen a substantial elevation, and our influence continues to ascend exponentially~

—While they are magical girls, they are fundamentally still students, are they not?

Naturally. To ensure our magical girls maintain optimal physical and mental well-being, our company, while not directly intervening, assigns accompanying ‘mascots’ to oversee their daily lives and academic pursuits. These mascots assist students with their homework, foster holistic health, and can even harness the magical energy released from defeated monsters to transform into dedicated tutors and family counselors.

This comprehensive approach resolves educational challenges, ensuring the targeted children achieve happiness and thus preserve their pure and benevolent hearts. Furthermore, through a series of stress-reduction policies, we alleviate academic pressure, allowing them a precious ninety minutes to indulge in tokusatsu and engage in magical girl duties, all while diligently completing their homework and maintaining a healthy regimen.

Moreover, the intellectual capacity residing within the meticulously designed brains of our mascots is truly staggering, equivalent to the combined knowledge of 200 ancient literature scholars, 700 psychology professors specializing in textual analysis, 800 high-IQ members of Olympiad math clubs, 2000 world-renowned translation experts, 4000 doctors of chemistry research, 5000 elite physics researchers, and 10,000 geology lecturers.

Concurrently, our pedagogical methodologies are orchestrated via a central supercomputer, which meticulously analyzes and integrates every facet of a child’s growth, experiences, behavior, family dynamics, and learning environment to construct an impeccably tailored educational plan.

Furthermore, we have preemptively addressed the concern that the demanding supplementary duties of a magical girl might impede their future planning. To this end, we have secured a governmental ‘Hero Recommendation Letter.’ Upon reaching adulthood, every selected magical girl may utilize this letter to gain entry into any corporation of their choosing, where they will receive preferential treatment from upper management! This initiative flawlessly guarantees their future livelihoods, sparing them the anxieties of an increasingly competitive job market.

Well then? Do you not now harbor a newfound sense of optimism regarding investment in our Magical Girl Project? Indeed! Come, invest, my friend! For a life brimming with beauty and dreams! Wait… esteemed client, please do not depart so hastily!

No!!

[The End]

Footage Terminated.