“Are you truly alright, An’an? You seem so heartbroken.”
Xiyin gently smoothed Qi Yue’an’s hair, her aquamarine eyes reflecting both worry and a touch of remorse.
“I’m fine,” she replied, raising a hand to wipe away Xiyin’s tears. Xiyin, perhaps realizing her sudden lapse, quickly stepped back, feigning nonchalance as she brushed away her own tears and regained her composure.
“Are you leaving?”
Qi Yue’an nodded, a hint of relief flickering in her silver eyes as she gazed at the girl before her, who stood half a head taller and possessed far greater resilience.
“Yes, I want to go home for a visit… before everyone completely forgets me. After that, we’ll move forward together.”
She offered a genuine smile, the light streaming through the window illuminating the unshed tears in her eyes, those eyes that crinkled slightly with her smile, meeting Xiyin’s gaze directly.
“Xi, this is my own decision, just as you saved me that day.”
Xiyin watched the petite figure before her. She appeared as slender and pitiable as when they first met, yet now, her eyes, no longer hollow and filled with despair as they had been, held a faint, almost imperceptible spark of hope.
She waved her hand, bidding farewell to Xiyin, and their figures gradually receded into the rain-washed street. Yet, an invisible thread still bound them, one that even cruel fate could not sever.
****
Qi An returned for the last time to the rented apartment where he had lived for so long. The scent lingered, and even the air itself carried a heavy solitude.
He stepped into the bathroom, shedding his clothes one by one. The reflection in the mirror now bore little difference from the image he had seen that day; his formerly rough skin, a result of malnutrition and sleepless nights, had become delicate, and his facial features were gradually softening. Aside from being somewhat underdeveloped, he was indistinguishable from an ordinary young girl.
The Black Cat had once said that before the transformation was complete, the perception of ordinary people towards a magical girl would shift in accordance with the body’s changes. Modifications and optimizations to appearance, improvements to physical fitness, and even changes in primary and secondary sexual characteristics would all be synchronized into their memories.
In a sense, after signing that contract, the true ‘me’ had already died in the hearts of ordinary people.
The shower water cascaded over his body, first gathering into trickles, then completely drenching every inch of his hair and skin, flowing over places that were now utterly different from before. The tangible sensation brought a flush to his face, yet simultaneously, a strong sense of absurdity welled up within him.
The last time he had bathed was before signing that contract. In the mere two days since, he had faced two life-or-death crises, leaving him no chance to gradually adapt, unlike the protagonists in those transformation novels.
Now, observing himself in peace for the first time, he truly grasped the extent of his transformation.
After showering, he returned to the bedroom and retrieved his ID card from the drawer. The photo on it had changed at some point, and even the gender field had shifted from “male” to “female.”
His phone held numerous unread messages; he hadn’t had time to look at them, having been in life-or-death situations these past two days.
The ‘Friends’ list had mysteriously grown by dozens. Characters akin to ‘best friends’ had sent him many messages over the past two days. He recognized this person as the only female classmate in his class, yet he had never known her before.
Conversely, classmates with whom he had been on relatively good terms still messaged him in their old tone, seemingly remembering his former self.
His social circle seemed to have fallen into a bizarre disarray, with perceptions of him, even from the same person, splitting into two.
“It appears your existence has begun to collapse.”
He spun around, seeing the Black Cat perched on the windowsill, licking its paws.
“What’s going on? Why is this happening?”
The Black Cat wagged its tail, hopping down from the windowsill onto the computer desk.
“This is tied to your wish. The birth process of a magical girl is also the process of killing a past ‘existence.’ However, your wish was to have a new life and ending. When two rules clash, such problems naturally arise.”
“Now, your ‘existence’ in the eyes of different people will vary wildly. Currently, your existence is like Schrödinger’s cat; until you formally meet someone and your image is confirmed, your ‘role’ in their eyes remains uncertain.”
Qi An looked at the Black Cat, a hint of confusion in his eyes. He didn’t understand these complex theories, but the last statement filled him with worry.
“Then… do my parents still remember me?”
The Black Cat did not answer directly. Instead, its ominous purple eyes opened wide. The sounds of incoming messages on his phone rose and fell, displaying contradictory information.
“Who do you believe ‘you’ truly are?”
A simple question, one even a fool could blurt out, yet it left Qi An speechless for a moment.
Messages still flickered in the dorm group chat, which he hadn’t left but hadn’t posted in for a long time. Qi An’s online friends were urging ‘him’ to team up for a game, while Qi Yue’an’s best friend asked ‘her’ why she hadn’t messaged in days. ‘Their’ parents were asking ‘them’ how they had been doing lately, and if they had enough money.
Qi An stared blankly at his phone. Suddenly, a flood of memories utterly alien to his past began to invade his mind. The image of ‘self’ started to shift continuously, two overlapping memories, without precedence, clashing like beasts, fighting for dominance.
‘Yes, who exactly am I?’
The ‘reward’ and ‘cost’ of signing the contract were officially manifesting. The interpersonal relationships that should have been erased were now being replaced by a new set, while new memories overlaid those that hadn’t been wiped away. The very foundation of his ‘self’ began to crumble.
Another voice echoed in Qi An’s mind, sounding incredibly clear, like that of a sweet girl.
“Who… are you?”
‘I am you, and you are me. You are the cause of my wish, and I am its result.’
So she said, and it seemed as though he saw a girl dancing gracefully before his eyes, showcasing her form.
‘But I clearly saved you on the bridge not long ago. You forgot me so quickly~’
Her voice carried a hint of deliberate regret, much like a neglected wife.
“I’m sorry…”
‘Why do you act more like a fragile little girl than me? You’re about to be replaced, and you’re still apologizing.’
The voice held a touch of exasperation, as if disappointed in him.
“Will I be replaced, then?”
Qi An looked towards the window. At this moment, he still held control of his body. The Black Cat had left at some point, leaving only ‘her’ alone here.
‘Not necessarily. It depends on your choice. Either abandon your own memories and let me completely replace you; in your memories, you’ll believe you’ve always been an ordinary girl who simply became a magical girl one day, watching the life that originally belonged to “Qi An” as if it were a movie.’
“What if I don’t want to abandon them?”
‘I’m not entirely sure of the specific consequences myself. Perhaps our memories will begin to overlap, then completely merge into one, indistinguishable…’
From the other side, there seemed to be a hint of deliberate shyness.
‘That sounds rather ambiguous, but the reality won’t be so pleasant. If two completely different memories and self-cognitions collide, the outcome is utterly unpredictable, especially for two personalities with differing memories and even genders.’
“What will happen to us?”
‘Perhaps we’ll smash into pieces with a “Bang—!” The merged consciousness might simply be a deranged madman. If you do nothing, this outcome will likely be settled in about seven days.’
Qi An fell silent. He sat quietly on the slightly worn wooden chair. In his mind, Qi Yue’an also ceased her restless movements. She leaned back against the chair, the ‘boy’ and the ‘girl’ closer than ever before in the space of consciousness.
The ‘two’ remained silent, each processing the other’s memories. Entirely different lives played out like a slideshow.
Her birth was not unlike his own, also in a remote town. However, unlike him, she had, through her own efforts rather than talent, successfully overcome a cold and lonely childhood, gaining admission to university. There, she had forged true friendships and was now the universally admired campus belle.
She was exceptionally skilled at navigating social situations, a popular and prominent figure in her class. She could excel academically, winning countless awards, while still having the energy to work part-time. She calmly retaliated against difficult roommates and even moved out to share an apartment with another bullied classmate.
She was like a complete inversion of Qi An’s personality: strong, resolute, capable of moving forward with grace and composure no matter how harsh the conditions.
That persistent sense of inferiority once again flared within him.
Qi An recalled fragments of his past, realizing he seemed to have done nothing well. He struggled even to speak a few words with his parents, and apart from Lin Xiao, he had no friends he could truly talk to.
His fate wasn’t truly tragic; what was truly tragic was his ugly and cowardly heart.
He tormented himself, let others down, living day after day like a miserable parasite.
‘Qi An’ possessed no skills to be proud of, no dreams to sacrifice everything for. His entire life was as dull as a mass-produced item from an industrial assembly line.
Just recently, his selfish wish had almost caused sorrow to those who cared for him, as the price for his step towards the future.
Perhaps… letting her take his place would be better. She could care for his parents, interact with classmates, and all the complicated, difficult, and terrifying things that had plagued him would vanish.She could live well, find her own happiness, survive better in the world of magical girls, bring back Lin Xiao, who had inexplicably left him, and take better care of his parents, who had suffered a lifetime of hardship.
And the price for all of this was merely a soul filled with pain and despair, a lowly and ugly soul.
Qi An sat with his head bowed on the long bench in the space of consciousness. Qi Yue’an, meanwhile, leaned back against the bench, their backs to each other. The sunlight from outside seemed to penetrate their souls, illuminating Qi Yue’an’s face while leaving Qi An shrouded in shadow.
‘If you choose this, I will live well in your place, caring for everyone you cherish. Qi Yue’an will have a beautiful future.’
‘But… are you truly content with such an outcome?’
Qi An lowered his head, like a stone long dead. His hands clenched then relaxed, his body first stiffening, then trembling.
He stared intently at the empty ground, and gradually, his vision blurred. A single drop of water first fell onto his hand, which was braced against his knees, followed by a continuous stream, as if a downpour was imminent.
“Of course… I’m not content…”
After a long silence, his tightly sealed lips parted, like a breached dam, a small leak transforming into a raging flood.
“No one would be content with this kind of thing! I don’t want to be an emperor conquering the world, nor do I want to be some wealthy person with vast fortunes. I just want to live a stable life like this, and take good care of my parents. What mistake have I made?!”
“Why can they get along so well with others? Why can they smile and live as if it’s their right, while I have to be so cautious, like a dog? I want friends too! Why has no one ever accepted me? Why, even after they said such hurtful things, did I not retort, yet they still mocked me?!”
“I’m not someone who dislikes talking, not some isolated weirdo! I want to discuss our hobbies with everyone every day! I’m not a crazy person who constantly thinks about dying; I want to live happily too!”
“In the beginning, whether it was being ostracized or bullied, as long as it didn’t overly affect my high school or university, I could endure it. But then he came and protected me, and that period was truly happy. Even if everyone still disliked me, even if I couldn’t talk to him all the time, as long as he was there, I felt alive, I felt understood.”
“At that time, Lin Xiao was my only friend. He told me he wouldn’t leave me alone, that we could be friends for life. When I heard about his accident, I was heartbroken, as if I was dying. I regretted not even being able to attend his funeral, regretted not having proactively cared for him more… But what is this now? Why did he suddenly come back? Why did he look at me so coldly? Why did he say those inexplicable things?! I didn’t even open my mouth to resent him for leaving without a word, didn’t rush forward to fight him—I just wanted to understand everything!”
“Since his death, I haven’t had a single happy day. I left home alone, came to university. You can say I’m fake, you can say I’m hypocritical, but I genuinely decided to change at first. Even if it was awkward, even if I was terrified inside, I actively tried to socialize with them. Even if I couldn’t afford a few meals afterwards, I still joined group dinners. I worked hard in my studies, but why did they still treat me that way?! Why didn’t they tell me anything?! They were like this, and Lin Xiao was like this too! I was trying so hard to adapt to all the confusing social norms and information gaps at university! But I always lagged behind others, always like an idiot who knew nothing. Every time my parents asked me how my studies were going or how I was doing, I felt like dying! I could only lie, I had to lie! Otherwise, they would definitely start to be disappointed, they would start to ask why I couldn’t be more emotionally intelligent, why I couldn’t work harder…”
“I want to succeed too, but I just can’t do it. Every time I try to put on a fake smile, every time I proactively approach them, the result is always just like a clown performing tricks, never truly fitting in anywhere. I want to be emotionally intelligent too! But no one tells me what emotional intelligence is, and no one teaches me how to do it!”
“So I ran away, ran away like a scoundrel. I retreated from the dorm like a stray dog, silently renting an apartment. For the first two months, I ate only the cheapest meals each day, until I was discovered later like a thief…”
“And this time, I’ve done something terrible again, signing such a contract with that thing. I can’t imagine how my parents would look if they saw my death notice. I’ve disappointed others yet again, so I wanted to escape again, to that terribly cold bridge, wanting to jump…”
“But… then he stopped me. Even if he probably didn’t know it was me at the time, I was still so happy, happy to see him again. After that, I met Xiyin. She’s an amazing person, with dreams and aspirations, and she’s very kind to me. We connect well on some things, and we’ve even agreed to team up and survive in the magical girl world. We faced that terrifying demon, and I fought alongside her. Even though fighting really hurts, I was so happy, happy to finally have a companion again, happy to have done something right. Everything seemed to be getting better and better.”
“I was determined to stay by her side and become a reliable companion, even if it meant betraying my conscience and living well by letting go of the past… But… but what is your existence all about?!”
“You’re smarter than me, braver than me. You’re the adored campus belle, a formidable person who can be both an academic ace and earn money. My parents won’t have to grieve my death, and they can even be taken care of better by you. Those scoundrels who neglected you have been made to look like clowns by you. You can even save others. Everything I want to do, you can do. Everyone I want to protect, you can protect. You are better than me in every way. If that’s the case, if you can replace me, then even if I’m unwilling, even if it hurts, at this point, haven’t I already been left with no choice but to die?!!!!”
He hunched over like a deflated ball, shrinking into himself like a quail, seemingly awaiting his end.
The small golden sword adorned with gems had, at some point, floated into the air, awaiting someone to grasp it and make a decision.
However, he waited a long time, but no blade fell. Instead, a warm embrace enveloped him.
“Honestly… I’m much more relieved.”
Qi Yue’an hugged Qi An from behind, her movements gentle, her breath sweeping across his ear, bringing a touch of warmth.
“I really thought you were beyond saving.”
She had listened to every word of Qi An’s. He had roared, spewing forth his deepest thoughts like vomit. They sounded incredibly selfish, incredibly ugly, yet there wasn’t a single shred of falsehood within them.
“But… why do you think failing means you’re wrong?”
Qi Yue’an wiped away the tears of the figure whose build was now nearly identical to hers, resting her chin on his shoulder.
“No one is forcing you to be this way or that way, and you couldn’t bear to give everything to me just like that, could you?”
“But, that’s so selfish…”
“So what if it’s selfish? You endured bullying, you endured his unannounced departure, you persevered without breaking down and got into university. After that, you found the courage to actively start changing yourself. Whether you succeeded or failed, you’ve tried your absolute best, haven’t you?”
“I still can’t do anything well…”
“Can’t do anything well? You later gave up your precious last remaining ‘time’ to save Xiyin and became her companion. You fought with all your might for every step along the way, didn’t you? Now that you’ve finally found a path towards the future, why can’t you think of yourself for once?”
Qi An lowered his head, seemingly lost in thought. After a long while, she looked up, and a sound once again emerged from her throat.
“Can I… truly?”
“Yes.”
“Can I really make that choice?”
“Of course~”
“Can I truly… find my happiness?”
“That has always been our wish.”
“And the people around you who care about you, they all think that way.”
Qi Yue’an released him and came before Qi An, extending her hand. The sunlight, previously obscured, now spilled behind him, illuminating that familiar yet unfamiliar face.
That face bore a smile, seemingly brimming with endless courage.
“Let’s walk together, even if it means taking the greatest risks, even if we might turn into schizophrenic monsters.”
“But I am willing to believe that this ‘me’ can surely overcome the challenges set by that beast, and then chase back that ‘faithless man’ who speaks in riddles!”
Qi An did not speak. She grasped the extended hand, and everything around them slowly began to crumble.`,