The Husband Who Won’t Let Me Breathe

He woke me up again this morning.

It was to ensure I fulfilled my marital duties by having breakfast together.

Although he said he wouldn’t divorce me unless I requested it, forcing someone who can hardly eat to get up and eat in front of him seemed like an attempt to establish fault on my part.

It felt too coercive to be out of concern for my poor appetite.

Recalling his attitude during our previous conversation, it seemed I wasn’t even on his mind, so a kind reason was unlikely.

It wasn’t that I was stubbornly refusing to eat; my body was struggling to accept food.

He must know that, yet he kept making me sit for meals, as if trying to create a justification somehow, which saddened me.

The more depressed I became, the more my appetite plummeted.

As Haejin picked at his food, Beomwoo, eating quietly across from him, watched and spoke seriously.

“You seem to be sleeping a lot more lately.”

“I heard you sleep a lot during the day too.”

As he said, Haejin had indeed been sleeping much more recently.

Not only did he struggle to wake up in the morning, but he also often dozed off or fell asleep during the day.

Haejin was never a light sleeper, but lately it was almost at a newborn’s level.

He spent more time asleep than awake.

When awake, he felt no motivation to do anything; his body felt like a damp, heavy towel.

Lying around like that naturally led to more sleep.

Haejin was aware he was sleeping more, but didn’t realize it had reached Beomwoo’s ears.

Embarrassed, Haejin averted his gaze and replied.

“I guess my body isn’t well.”

“There have been recent events, and it could be psychological.”

“I’ve made a hospital appointment, so let’s go.”

He spoke as if suggesting psychiatric treatment, mentioning psychological issues, perhaps aware of Haejin’s severe decline since the infertility diagnosis.

Was he worried about me?

Considering recent events, this was an unexpected reaction.

Startled, Haejin shook his head quickly.

“Ah, no. You don’t have to do that.”

“There are many watching eyes.”

“My mother already views you unfavorably.”

“Giving her more reasons to criticize won’t help.”

“……”

“Let’s get treatment before unnecessary talk spreads.”

I thought he was concerned about my condition…

Now it seemed he was advising me to watch my behavior, suggesting a psychiatrist so his mother wouldn’t see me lethargic and judge me more harshly.

One could interpret this as concern that the madam would view me poorly.

But in my current state, believing he’s looking for reasons to divorce me, it sounded like pressure, a warning.

If he’s going to choke me like this with every method, wouldn’t it be better to just ask for a divorce outright?

I wished he wouldn’t say it, but as the situation grew increasingly difficult and unbearable, such thoughts emerged.

The words “I want to stop” rose to my throat, but Haejin barely swallowed them.

Despite the hardship and disappointment, he couldn’t let go of his feelings for him and couldn’t bring himself to leave completely.

Finally, Haejin nodded faintly, saying, “I’ll do that……”

Beomwoo looked at him seriously for a moment before speaking.

“And I’ve decided to work from home for a while. About a week.”

“What? Work from home? You’ve never done that before.”

“I know, but something came up.”

At the mention of working from home, Haejin, who had been listening with a sunken, gloomy expression, looked up.

Working from home wasn’t that surprising, but in all their years of marriage, this was the first time Beomwoo had announced he would, making it unexpected.

The phrase ‘something came up’ made me wonder, ‘Is there a reason it absolutely has to be from home?’

But Haejin didn’t ask further.

He didn’t work at that company, nor had he experienced corporate life, so hearing the reason probably wouldn’t make him understand.

He could only accept it as ‘that’s how it is.’

However… Being with him was already so difficult; wouldn’t being in the same house all day make it worse?

He wouldn’t pay me any mind, focusing only on work, but I wouldn’t be able to.

Even in separate spaces, I’d be acutely aware of him, feeling anxious.

Especially after just being advised not to show a lethargic state in front of him.

As Haejin failed to shed his worry and his expression hardened, Beomwoo, watching him, spoke stiffly.

“Even if you dislike it, don’t show it so openly.”

“Uhm, what?”

“It’s not like I’m working from home because I want to.”

“If you act like that, it’ll just make us both feel worse.”

Beomwoo said, looking at Haejin.

Haejin listened, confused about what he meant, only belatedly grasping the implication.

His worried, stiff expression must have seemed like he was unhappy about the remote work arrangement.

Th-That wasn’t the meaning.

I should explain, but I was too flustered to find words.

As I hesitated, trying to explain, Beomwoo gave a small nod as if understanding and continued.

“It’s not like I enjoy working from home either, so relax your expression.”

“Ah, no! It’s not that, it’s just the first time I’ve seen you work from home. I was surprised…”

“It doesn’t matter. Just finish your meal.”

Thinking he shouldn’t let this misunderstanding stand, Haejin hurriedly explained, but perhaps he was too incoherent.

Beomwoo didn’t seem to hear him.

If it ends like this, it’ll really be strange…

I want to explain that wasn’t the reason for my expression, but he seems convinced, and it doesn’t seem to matter what my real reason was.

Even if I clung and insisted it wasn’t that, he obviously wouldn’t listen, and I’d just look pathetic.

Haejin looked at Beomwoo with a wronged expression, then, feeling there was nothing more to do, picked up his spoon.

As he forced the difficult meal down his throat, his mind replayed Beomwoo’s words.

‘It’s not like I enjoy working from home either, so don’t make that face.’

The tone implied that he should be the one making the displeased face, not me, as if being with me was so unpleasant and detestable.

‘Even if you can’t like me, could you at least not hate me…?’

I don’t even hope for him to love me or treat me kindly—that’s greedy.

But Haejin was careful to avoid actions Beomwoo might dislike.

Yet he still disliked me… It felt unfair.

All I could offer as his spouse was to behave meekly and bear a child.

But I’m a frustrating spouse who can’t even maintain eye contact properly, and now, as an infertile Omega, I can’t even give him a child…

No matter what inheritance was at stake, he probably regrets marrying someone like me.

No, it’s obvious. Even I wouldn’t want to marry an Omega like me.

He seemed so cold, but simultaneously, it seemed natural for him to dislike me.

Haejin blamed himself, thinking it wasn’t that Beomwoo was cold, but that he himself was too lacking, and barely swallowed the food.

It’s so hard it’s killing me…

Even in this state, the words to end it wouldn’t come out.

****

After finishing the meal, which felt like an eternity, Haejin headed to the psychiatry clinic Beomwoo had booked.

Is this how it feels being led to the slaughterhouse?

I’m not here because something hurts or I have a fatal illness.

Perhaps because it’s my first time at a psychiatry clinic, waiting alone for my appointment made me desperately wish someone was with me.

Shivering, I waited for my turn.

Soon, the consultation room door opened.

The session was one-on-one; thankfully, unlike my fears, it proceeded in a comfortable atmosphere.

The doctor gently guided Haejin to talk about when symptoms appeared and any potential causes.

Haejin shared about his recent infertility diagnosis and the barren nature of his married life.

He hadn’t intended to be so sincere, having come for the check-up out of obligation.

But no one around him—neither friend nor family—had ever asked if his married life was hard.

Unconsciously, he became honest, and though embarrassing, shed some tears during the session.

After the session, he composed himself and waited briefly outside.

The firmly closed door opened again.

“Mr. Jeong Haejin. Please come in.”

“……”

At the call for his turn, Haejin entered the room with heavy steps, like a condemned prisoner.

Sitting in the chair, the doctor who had warmly counseled him earlier rustled some papers on the desk and slowly spoke.

“It appears depression has progressed significantly.”

“Combining counseling with medication would be best.”

“Ah……”

Hearing the doctor’s words, Haejin swallowed a sigh.

He had suspected it during the counseling, seeing his turbulent emotions, but receiving a diagnosis was a different feeling.

So I really have depression.

As Haejin gloomily lowered his gaze, the doctor smiled reassuringly, offering comfort.

“Don’t worry too much.”

“With consistent treatment, you can get much better.”

“We’ll proceed with gradually increasing the medication.”

“……Yes.”

The doctor spoke hopefully, emphasizing that treatment could lead to improvement.

For Haejin, already submerged in depression’s swamp, it didn’t resonate strongly…

As Haejin nodded listlessly, the doctor looked at him and continued.

“And, if possible, I’d like to recommend couples counseling.”

“Could you both come?”

Perhaps because many issues discussed stemmed from the marital relationship, the doctor suggested Haejin attend counseling with Beomwoo.

Since they were key causes, the recommendation made sense.

But after a moment’s thought, Haejin shook his head weakly.

“No, that kind of thing…”

“He’s not someone who would…”

“Hmm… That’s a shame.”

“It would be more effective together.”

“Please try talking to him about it.”

“……”

Talking about it probably won’t change anything…

Given that he sent me to the psychiatry clinic today as if handling a nuisance, I doubt he would come.

As Haejin’s expression grew darker, the doctor seemed to understand and looked at him sympathetically before changing the subject.

“Let’s start with what’s possible, shall we?”

“Talking with people around you, getting sunlight during the day with light walks or exercise, and writing a diary can all greatly help alleviate symptoms.”

“Even when you feel down and depressed, consciously trying to move is good.”

“……Yes.”

The doctor explained there were many ways to treat depression even without couples counseling.

I don’t feel like doing any of it…

But the doctor, aware of my feelings, deliberately changed the topic and offered helpful advice I couldn’t ignore.

Haejin nodded, agreeing to try.