Even in Marriage, Loneliness Cuts Deep

A few days later, Beomwoo’s work-from-home period began.

Remembering his words from a few days ago—telling me not to sleep, that there were many watching eyes—Haejin tried hard to resist sleep, but his eyelids kept drooping as if weights were attached.

If he stayed in his room, he feared he’d fall asleep without realizing it.

So, Haejin came out to the living room and sat on a dining chair, enduring.

The housekeeper, who had been working, seemed to notice and spoke to him.

“If you’re tired, why not close your eyes for a bit?”

“Ah, no. I’m trying not to sleep…”

“Hmm? Why? Do you have something to do?”

“Just… well, if you sleep a lot during the day, you can’t sleep well at night and it’s not good for your health. That’s why.”

Truthfully, even if he slept during the day, sleep poured over him at night, but he couldn’t honestly say he was forbidden from sleeping.

The housekeeper was kind and nice, but everyone in this house was Beomwoo’s or the Madam’s people; there was no one to confide his troubles in openly.

As Haejin gave a vague excuse, the auntie nodded understandingly and made a suggestion.

“Hmm… In that case, how about moving your body a bit?”

“The weather outside is wonderful. Stretching in the yard, getting some sunlight—that might help wake you up.”

“Outside?”

“There’s a table and chairs in the greenhouse, right?”

“Wouldn’t it be nice to rest there? Reading a book and relaxing there would surely help change your mood.”

There was a small greenhouse in the yard, a space decorated like a resting area.

With lush green leaves, pretty flowers, soft lighting, and warmth, it was a place Haejin occasionally visited to rest.

It was a space he somewhat liked, but lately, he hadn’t even felt the urge to go.

The psychiatrist had said getting sunlight was good for relieving depression, and it seemed like a good idea.

When Haejin nodded, the housekeeper smiled brightly.

“Right? I’ll tidy it up, so come slowly.”

It didn’t really need tidying, but since no one else used it much, dust might have accumulated.

Also, remembering the psychiatrist’s advice that writing a diary could help alleviate depression, Haejin sent her to the greenhouse first and stopped by his room to grab a small notebook.

The greenhouse, visited after a long time, was as pretty and peaceful as before.

The atmosphere was pleasant, and since neither the staff nor Beomwoo frequented it, it felt even more comforting.

It felt like a brief escape from surveillance.

Haejin sat quietly, looking up at the greenhouse ceiling, then took out the small notebook and pen he had brought.

Opening the notebook to write a diary, he felt blocked and empty, like hitting a wall, staring at the blank pages.

“What should… I write in a diary?”

His mind became as blank as the empty notebook.

Not being a regular diary writer, he was at a loss.

Standing still, just holding the pen, he thought maybe writing down events, even just listing them, might be good.

That’s what a diary is, after all.

Since nothing particularly notable happened today, he started writing about yesterday.

[Yesterday, while eating, Beomwoo-ssi said he’d schedule a psychiatric appointment and told me to go.]

Trying to write events sequentially from the morning, the conversation during breakfast came to mind first.

Not out of concern for me, but pointing out that appearing lethargic was a flaw.

He said that collapsing like a sick chicken could be a mental issue and offered to schedule a psychiatric appointment.

At the time, Beomwoo hadn’t phrased it so critically, but after ruminating on it repeatedly, Haejin’s thoughts grew increasingly negative.

Writing the diary seemed to bring back yesterday’s emotions, making him feel gloomier…

Despite thinking that, since he started, he decided to continue writing.

[At the hospital, I was diagnosed with depression. I kind of expected it. Lately, I feel lethargic about everything, drowsy. When I stay awake without sleeping, only bad thoughts come.]

Although shocked by the depression diagnosis, looking back, it wasn’t that surprising.

He had been experiencing all the symptoms.

Haejin also wrote down what the doctor said during the diagnosis.

[They suggested proceeding with counseling and medication, and also recommended couples counseling… but I couldn’t even ask Beomwoo-ssi. The answer is too obvious.]

The doctor suspected marital issues as a cause of depression and subtly recommended couples counseling.

But Haejin couldn’t even mention it to Beomwoo.

The answer from him was all too clear.

Even busy as he was, if he truly cared as a spouse, he might have gone together, but that wasn’t the case.

He knew he should ask even if rejection was likely, just in case, but knowing a rejection would only hurt him.

…But why does avoiding asking and not being rejected already seem to hurt my heart more?

Feeling a bitter taste in his mouth, Haejin continued writing.

[They said another method is to confide in people around me, but I have no one for that. No family, and Beomwoo-ssi… obviously not. If I confide in the kind housekeeper, she might report to the Madam. I have no one on my side.]

Seeing Haejin’s gloominess about the couples counseling suggestion, the doctor recommended other universal methods doable in daily life.

But even that didn’t improve Haejin’s mood.

Unlike others, he had no one to talk to comfortably.

Beyond not trusting people in this household, Haejin had no family or friends.

He did have close friends from school days, but contact had long been cut off.

That was also one of the conditions when marrying.

Since marrying meant becoming part of a chaebol family, the Madam said he shouldn’t associate with ‘below-standard’ people.

Although they probably didn’t surveil him all day, so meeting secretly once or twice might not cause problems, but after such a long time without contact, he couldn’t bring himself to reach out just to complain.

That would feel too selfish.

Already feeling lonely from having no one, writing the diary made him feel even more alone.

He started writing because it was said to help with depression, but it seemed ineffective.

Feeling his mood sink lower, he considered stopping, but since he started, he decided to finish what he began.

[Although I married wanting to escape my aunt and uncle, I didn’t expect love; I just hoped to fill the emptiness of family. Was that too greedy?]

Since it was a marriage of mutual convenience, he didn’t expect much.

He had felt attracted to and liked him from the first sight, but didn’t expect his affection.

He just hoped to gain a comfortable family to lean on.

But instead of family, it felt more suffocating, like being trapped.

Clearly, the house was much larger, freer, and there was no one hitting him, yet he didn’t understand why it was so hard.

Was he being ungrateful, as his aunt and uncle always said?

[Though it was in name only, I thought of us as a couple and came to trust and rely on him, but seeing him talk about having a child with another Omega makes it seem only I felt that way. If I knew marriage could be this lonely, I wouldn’t have…]

If I could return to the past, I probably wouldn’t have married him.

It’s meaningless to think about now, but the thought crossed my mind.

Haejin absentmindedly stared at the characters he had written while weakly holding a pen, then unconsciously moved his hand.

[I feel lonely enough to die.]

“……Huh?”

Haejin, who had been in a daze, made a sound, startled by the last phrase he had unconsciously written.

Even though he wrote it, while he often felt lonely, he had never thought he wanted to die.

He didn’t know if writing in a diary—something he didn’t usually do—led to exaggerated expression, or if jotting down thoughts he couldn’t share anywhere made his emotions excessively honest.

As he was flustered by what he had written, the greenhouse door opened instantly.

Startled like someone caught doing something wrong, he turned his gaze.

The housekeeper was approaching, carrying a wide bowl.

“Haejin-nim, have some fruit.”

“Ah, it’s okay…”

“This time, all the fruits are very sweet, incredibly so.”

His heart was still pounding from the surprise, and Haejin, who had no appetite lately, tried to refuse politely.

But she spoke warmly, insisting they were truly delicious, and sat opposite him.

Now he saw there were two forks; it seemed she had cut the fruit intending to eat with him.

It was hard to reject such kindness.

Haejin didn’t really want to eat, but thought moving his mouth might help shake off the drowsiness, so he reluctantly picked up a fork.

Spearing a piece of apple with the fork and putting it in his mouth, a crisp sound followed as the sweet flesh spread in his mouth.

Perhaps because he had done some work, today it felt somewhat edible.

He nibbled at it like a rabbit, and she smiled, speaking to him.

“I was worried because you seemed lacking energy lately.”

“But seeing it seems to have helped a bit is a relief.”

Her expression softened as she looked at Haejin, who seemed somewhat more at ease.

She seemed genuinely concerned for him.

Though she hadn’t done anything monumental, the kindness from someone felt unfamiliar, and Haejin’s heart softened more than usual.

“……Thank you for your concern. I feel a bit better.”

“From now on, I’ll take good care of this place, so come often to rest and talk with me too.”

“Opening up is known to be good for shaking off depression.”

“Though I’ve only lived a few more shallow years, I might be of some help.”

“……”

“Ah, I don’t mean you *have* to share your worries with me.”

“I just mean… it would be good to write in a diary if talking feels burdensome…”

She spoke reassuringly, as if she truly wanted to help in any way.

He was immensely grateful, but Haejin only offered a small smile, unable to share his true feelings.

As he had thought earlier, everyone in this house was Beomwoo’s people.

Some were even informants for the Madam.

This warm kindness might have an ulterior motive.

He couldn’t fully trust people.

As Haejin quietly locked his heart again, which had momentarily loosened, she watched him sympathetically, then her eyes widened as if remembering something.

“That’s right. We shouldn’t eat alone; we should prepare some for the Chairman too, so he can have it while working.”

She acted startled, as if they had been neglecting the important person while enjoying themselves, and stood up.

Since he was the employer, she probably needed to pay more attention to him.

It seemed she had been very concerned about Haejin.

Understanding her, Haejin smiled and told her to go ahead.

As she hurriedly turned to leave, she seemed to remember something else, whirled back to look at Haejin, and suggested,

“Actually, why don’t you take it to the Chairman, Haejin-nim?”

“What? M-Me?”

“Lately, the atmosphere between you two doesn’t seem great…”

“I thought it might be good if you took it to him personally.”

“……”

He wondered why she was suddenly asking him, but it seemed she noticed their recent awkwardness and was deliberately trying to help.

Even before, Beomwoo and Haejin weren’t seen as an affectionate couple, but lately, their already distant relationship seemed to have grown even more strained.

But… me?

It was just a suggestion to deliver fruit, yet he felt more perplexed than by any other proposal.

It wasn’t that he thought she was trying to push work onto him, but… he dislikes me.

He wanted to refuse, but then she might worry about their relationship.

Also, if he refused, word might spread that he’s a spouse who can’t even deliver fruit.

…Right, it’s just delivering fruit.

Surely that won’t make him dislike me more… right?

“……I’ll do that.”

“Oh, good thinking. Then I should prepare quickly.”

When Haejin reluctantly agreed, her face brightened as if he had made a grand decision.

She said she would go ahead to prepare the fruit again and told him to come slowly, then hurried into the house with quick steps.

Haejin watched her rapidly retreating back and let out a small sigh.

“It’ll be fine… right?”

I just need to deliver the fruit and leave quickly…

Standing there solemnly like someone entrusted with a grave mission, Haejin finally composed himself and followed her towards the house.