Was It Love—Or Just Another Mistake?

“Ah…”

That was true too…

Well, Beomwoo, having lived in a chaebol family, must have seen countless people trying to pick up scraps like that.

So maybe refusing and sending them away wasn’t solely for my sake.

Now that I thanked him for it, I felt awkward, as if I had been overly self-conscious.

But even if he had other intentions, it was still something to be grateful for…

Thinking that, Haejin chewed his lip, unable to say anything.

Beomwoo let out a small, dry cough and continued, as if the matter wasn’t over.

“I’d prefer there were no more incidents like this. Since you probably can’t handle it, I’ll cut it off.”

“Ah… Yes…”

I’d be so grateful if he did that…

But it felt like he was specifically saying I was unhelpful, which made me feel even more awkward.

If I couldn’t cut ties after half a lifetime, and even after thinking I had escaped that house through marriage, I still got entangled like this, it meant I truly hadn’t managed to sever them properly.

So I couldn’t say anything.

* * * *

And it wasn’t just that incident.

Once, we went to see a classical performance together as a couple.

Before marriage, I didn’t have many chances to see such performances, and it had been so long.

Even after the show ended, I came out feeling overwhelmed.

Beomwoo, perhaps sensing the change, asked me:

“Do you like performances like this?”

“Ah…, yes. I… actually, I like the violin. Maybe because I learned it in the past, it brings back old memories…”

“In the past?”

Had I seemed too excited?

For people from this household, who are cultured and can go see performances without much thought, it probably wasn’t a big deal.

So Haejin awkwardly answered that it brought back old memories, feeling like he had acted uncouthly.

Surprisingly, Beomwoo seemed a bit taken aback by the fact that Haejin had learned the violin before.

While not as wealthy as Beomwoo’s family, Haejin’s family had been comfortably off while his parents were alive.

Standards of wealth vary, but it was a level where pursuing arts wasn’t a heavy burden.

With no family discord, it was a household overflowing with emotional ease.

Recalling his childhood memories, Haejin answered with a moist feeling in his heart.

“Yes, I learned it when my birth parents were alive. You might not believe it… but I was quite good. I loved it.”

“…….”

“After everything happened, I never touched it again though…”

When he asked, he seemed genuinely interested.

Haejin answered shyly that he had been good, but Beomwoo showed no particular reaction.

Was saying I was good unnecessary…?

He probably wasn’t curious about my skill.

Maybe it seemed boastful.

Haejin felt embarrassed.

That day, the conversation ended there, and nothing special happened.

But a few days later, around the end of the weekly cultural class, the teacher said:

“Starting next week, a different instructor will come for violin lessons.”

“…Violin? I hadn’t heard about that separately.”

“Yes. Originally, it wasn’t part of the curriculum, but the CEO instructed it. Thank you for your hard work following my classes so far.”

The cultural teacher said she hadn’t heard much about it either and didn’t know the details, expressing mixed feelings as it was her last class.

At that moment, Haejin recalled the conversation about the violin just a few days prior.

When he had brought up the violin, the reaction hadn’t seemed particularly engaged… Did he arrange violin lessons because of that?

Thinking that, his heart swelled and raced instantly.

It wasn’t anything grand, really.

He had thought Beomwoo had little interest in him and hadn’t even listened, judging by the lack of reaction.

But he was grateful that Beomwoo had listened and expressed himself this way.

He wanted to thank him for paying attention.

So, with a pounding heart, he waited for Beomwoo.

That day, Beomwoo returned unusually late at night.

Haejin, with a tired face, cautiously followed him into the master bedroom.

“Um, Beomwoo…”

When Haejin called, Beomwoo, taking off his outerwear, turned to look at him.

His eyes asked if he had something to say.

Logically, Haejin thought Beomwoo seemed kinder than expected and had opened his heart to him.

But seeing his characteristically sharp eyes, he grew tense.

“Um… about the cultural class. I heard today that starting next week, it’s changing to violin lessons… Did you perhaps arrange that?”

“…….”

Haejin cautiously brought up the violin lessons, intending to ask if he had arranged them because he mentioned liking the violin, and to thank him for remembering.

He looked at Beomwoo with expectant eyes, waiting for an answer.

Beomwoo looked at him for a moment.

For some reason, his eyes seemed to hold a hint of panic.

…Did Beomwoo not request it? Otherwise, why would the cultural class change to violin lessons at this timing?

As Haejin looked at him with puzzled eyes, Beomwoo hesitated for a moment, then spoke with a serious expression.

“The cultural class you were originally taking. It was supposed to be things helpful for external activities, but it didn’t seem to be helping you much. You still can’t do tea ceremony. Your speech isn’t improving either.”

“…….”

“Since I have no need to rely on you, Haejin, I instructed them to assign something you can do internally.”

Beomwoo fired off words rapidly, his face devoid of any warmth.

He said he had assigned the cultural class out of necessity, but Haejin’s learning ability was poor.

Since having him take more cultural classes seemed useless, he might as well have him learn the violin… That was the gist.

I was going to say… thank you for caring.

I was going to say that, but seeing him speak as if it weren’t for my sake, but rather because I was so incompetent that he had to assign this, the words died in my throat.

I thought about saying what I originally intended, but worried it would seem like I was oblivious and thanking him unnecessarily.

Haejin looked at Beomwoo with eyes trembling from confusion, then lowered his gaze and muttered.

“Ah… I… I see…”

He remembered my words and cared for me, assigning something I liked.

I thought that was kindness… But it wasn’t.

As always, I was of no help to Beomwoo, so he changed it out of frustration…

Incidents where he raised my expectations only to dash them by clarifying it wasn’t for me weren’t rare.

In fact, looking back now, the things I perceived as kindness from Beomwoo back then weren’t that significant.

Most were matters solvable with money, and since the intention wasn’t for me, there was little reason to be moved.

But even so, Haejin in his past life couldn’t stop hoping.

Even if Beomwoo’s actions often didn’t match the intentions Haejin hoped for, he felt Beomwoo was on his side.

Haejin, who had even felt a sense of familial bond toward his abusive adoptive parents because ‘they’re still family,’ was drawn even more to Beomwoo, who didn’t hurt him, helped him, and became his spouse and family, even if without love.

Thus, throughout their married life, he repeatedly hoped and was disappointed.

Since there were many instances where he got his hopes up thinking Beomwoo had listened and acted on his words, only to be disappointed, the idea that Beomwoo truly said things he didn’t mean seemed plausible.

Even if they were mistakes, that doesn’t heal the hurt he caused back then, but still.

As Haejin recalled numerous incidents from his past life, Beomwoo, who had been speaking with difficulty, pressed his forehead as if regretting the past and continued.

“That nauseating feeling was unpleasant. Every time I spoke and saw your face darken, I thought I had made a mistake, but I didn’t know how to fix it. I had never been in such a situation before…”

“…….”

“Every time I saw myself only hurting you and being useless, I felt pathetic and small. I hated that feeling. Because whenever I tried to do something, you would make that face. So… I thought it would be better not to get involved with you at all. I didn’t realize… that would become a vicious cycle.”

Beomwoo said that rather than repeating such mistakes, he reduced contact to avoid making Haejin make that face.

Thinking back, Beomwoo’s work did become unusually busy from a certain point.

From then on, those small acts of kindness Haejin mentioned gradually decreased.

As their conversations dwindled, instances where Beomwoo seemed to remember and act on his words also became fewer.

Haejin never thought Beomwoo liked him from the start, but from around that time, he truly felt Beomwoo had no interest in him.

The hopeful feelings, like a dried flower, began to wither and crumble.

Haejin couldn’t understand how Beomwoo could think of himself as pathetic or come to such a conclusion to reduce contact.

Whenever I liked Beomwoo and wanted to become someone worthy of him, I also felt pathetic.

But this person was utterly incompatible with the word ‘pathetic.’

If asked who was the pathetic one between us, even without malice, a hundred out of a hundred would point at me…

As Haejin struggled to comprehend his thought process, Beomwoo lifted his head, looked directly at him, and continued.

“It only happened in front of you, Haejin…”

“…….”

“I didn’t know it was love.”

It sounded less like a romantic confession and more like a confession of sins, pleading for forgiveness.

The sincerity in his voice as he spoke of love felt heavy, even reaching Haejin.

Haejin had been convinced Beomwoo was mistaking his feelings due to PTSD.

So at first, he didn’t want to listen.

But as Beomwoo continued speaking, event after event came to mind, making him confused about whether Beomwoo was truly mistaken.

But even if it wasn’t PTSD and these were his true feelings, that didn’t mean Haejin could understand him.

“Saying you did things you didn’t mean because you’d never been in love… I could try to understand that. I know you’re not the type to be familiar with such things.”

“……So you believe me?”

“But when I was diagnosed as infertile at the hospital… you tried to find another Omega, not me.”

“…….”

“No matter how much you say you didn’t know… if you loved someone… could you do that?”

Even if he forgave many parts—being inexperienced in love, saying things he didn’t mean, making mistakes—the events following his infertility diagnosis weren’t something that could be dismissed so lightly.

Other incidents, while seemingly unbelievable, had elements that could be understood if he tried to fit Beomwoo’s explanation.

Beomwoo had been indifferent but also took care of necessary things.

But the infertility incident was different.

No matter how he thought about it, it wasn’t something a person with genuine feelings could do.