The Shadow on the Soul

I don’t know how many days I spent vomiting, crying, losing consciousness, and waking up only to cry and vomit again. Somehow, through that process, I slowly recovered. My guilt and self-loathing were masked by the excuse that it couldn’t be helped. The memories fading with time also helped. Only a few scenes that left intense impressions remained, while the rest were quickly forgotten. I suppose even someone else’s dream is still just a dream… I thought as I searched for traces of that boy in Kallios’s face—traces that were now becoming hard to recall.

“Kallios.”

“Yes.”

“When will we arrive?”

I asked in a raspy voice, damaged from so much vomiting. He had been looking out the window before turning toward me. Perhaps because he had been nursing his dramatically ill brother the whole time, his face looked completely spent. Though he was so handsome that even his haggard look had its own charm. Hmm… still, I prefer the sleek Kallios who eats well and sleeps well. I reached out and brushed the dark circles under his eyes.

“We are almost there.”

“Do we arrive today?”

“You should be able to see the castle by tomorrow afternoon.”

“What? That’s still far.”

The day had only just begun. The blue light of dawn was surging outside. If we have to run all day today and all day tomorrow just to arrive, that’s definitely not “almost there.” I gave his forehead a light poke. He didn’t budge. I thought about poking him again but just settled for tidying his bangs before pulling my hand away.

“Ah.”

Kallios, who had returned his gaze to the window, looked back at me.

“I forgot to ask.”

“Yes.”

“Where is Lamierre?”

He didn’t answer and instead rested his chin on his hand. Lamierre was the reason we went to the ruins in the first place, but the dream was so intense and the aftermath so severe that I had forgotten. That kid who sobbed with a peach pit stuck in his throat. I even had my palm pierced just so I could try to live with Lamierre. Ah. My palm. I opened my hand to check. A scar remained where I had jabbed myself with the fountain pen. I pressed down on the bump where the new flesh had filled in and asked again.

“Where is Lamierre?”

“He should be at the Academy.”

“Huh?”

The Imperial Rebaneh Academy that Lamierre attended was in the capital.

“Did he go first?”

Kallios replied.

“The Guardian of the Ruins sent him there directly.”

“…That’s possible?”

Whether he disliked the Guardian or Lamierre, Kallios didn’t elaborate further. I leaned against the back of the seat, but the position was uncomfortable, so I lay down using his thigh as a pillow. Kallios naturally placed his hand on my head. Even though he didn’t even answer my question. I shook my head back and forth to dislodge his hand, then turned on my side to bury my face in his stomach.

Well. In the original story, the Guardian did move Kallios and Lamierre Weaver outside. Although it was right in front of the searching knights. That’s why I chose to enter the ruins instead of dealing with the blocked entrance… If she could send people all the way to the capital, she should have done the same for us.

Well. I suppose it’s better than making a scene in front of Isaac and Sierra. They must be worrying themselves sick right now.

“I miss Isaac and Sierra.”

He stroked the back of my head. I let out a deep sigh. I really missed my kids terribly. I wanted to go back to my daily life quickly. This first outing since becoming Kaian was too long and grueling. To the point where I didn’t want to leave again for at least ten years.

We stopped once for lunch and again at a village we reached in the evening. Kallios said we could arrive by morning if we drove through the night, but I stopped him, saying there was no need for that. It wasn’t just me and Kallios; there was the coachman and twenty knights escorting the carriage. I didn’t want everyone to suffer for my whining. After being in a rattling carriage all day, I wanted to set foot on unmoving ground. When I was ‘Emperor Kaian,’ I rode for twenty days straight, but returning as Grand Duke Kaian, it’s difficult even being carried quietly in a carriage. Ah, I want to be healthy. I pressed down on the area near my chest.

“Is it uncomfortable?”

“Huh?”

He was looking at where my hand touched. I stroked my chest with my palm and shook my head. Uncomfortable? Far from it. It was much better than before. My breath, which had been shallow because something was tightly blocking it, had deepened. Since breathing became easier, I definitely got less tired. I, who used to find it hard just to circle the room once, was now even taking walks. Even if it was at a slug’s pace.

Thump, thump. I counted the regular heartbeats before pulling my hand away. He approached me and took my hand. Then, he moved to press his lips to the back of my hand.

“Kallios?”

He froze right there. I just tilted my head to the side. He only lifted his eyes to look at me.

The eyes looking at me.

Eyes looking only… at me.

I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them. My brother’s eyes, resembling a dried rose, avoided mine. Only after seeing his gaze naturally sweep the surroundings and drop away from me did I release my held breath. I clenched and unclenched the hand where his warmth remained, then rubbed my eyes.

It was funny—I had been searching for traces of that boy in his face so as not to forget, yet I was startled as if my heart were falling at a look that reminded me of him.

Just how selfish and self-centered am I? Really.

With a sigh, I sat down on the spot. Kallios was nowhere to be seen, having left at some point. I watched the road, dark under the falling night, for a long time before entering the lodging.

Isaac, Sierra, and Ilios were all out in front of the castle gate. As soon as the carriage stopped, I pulled the running Sierra into a hug.

“Big Brother!”

“Ugh.”

I immediately took a step back. Sierra’s head had rammed right into my solar plexus… and it hurt quite a bit. A startled Sierra snapped her head up.

“I’m sorry!”

I looked into her wide eyes and just laughed.

Sierra’s eyes were all raw from how much she had cried. I couldn’t bring myself to touch them because it looked like it would hurt, so I just gently stroked her hair. Sierra smiled brightly with her swollen face and pressed her cheek to my chest. Carefully, this time.

“You’re back?”

“Yeah. I’m back.”

I felt like I was going to cry. But I couldn’t show tears in front of Sierra, who was welcoming me as if nothing were wrong. I took a deep breath, exhaled, and then looked at the hesitating Isaac. My crybaby knight’s face was extremely effective at preventing tears. The sight of him covered in tears and snot was pitiful yet funny. I must never end up looking like that.

“Your Highness…”

“Yeah.”

I took Isaac’s trembling hand. Isaac immediately pulled me into an embrace.

“I, I really… I, I was, I…”

Isaac couldn’t even speak properly as he sobbed loudly. Sierra, caught between me and Isaac, wiggled. I used one hand to pull Sierra’s head into an embrace and used the other to pat Isaac’s back.

“You were very surprised, weren’t you?”

Isaac only nodded. It would be strange not to be surprised when a person suddenly vanishes before your eyes. Besides, I have a constitution that makes it impossible to survive outside the spire, so if I had been summoned somewhere other than the ‘Dragon Ruins,’ I might have died. I could easily imagine what Isaac and Sierra were thinking as they waited for me at the castle. They must have worried so much. They must have been… so scared. The corners of my eyes and the tip of my nose tingled. After one sniffle, I hugged them both tightly.

“Sorry.”

Neither of them said anything after receiving the apology. My stomach and shoulders became hot and damp with tears. I eventually couldn’t hold it back either and cried. Not as much as Isaac, just a little.

After finishing the tearful reunion, I returned to the spire. Held by Sierra on my left and Isaac on my right. I told them several times that I wouldn’t be summoned anymore, but they didn’t seem to believe me at all. Well, if they had believed me and felt relieved right away, I might have been a bit disappointed. Because the two of them holding on so tightly that their hands got sweaty was incredibly cute.

Kallios said he had a lot of backlogged work and went straight to the main palace. I wanted to thank him one more time for coming… I’ll have to call for him later or something.

Coming into the room, all the strength left my body. I held onto the two who said they would leave so I could rest, pulling Sierra into my arms and having Isaac sit beside me. Only after leaning against the warmth of two people in the quiet room did the certainty that I was back set in. Yes, I’m back. To my daily life.

I closed my eyes while leaning my head on Isaac’s shoulder as he naturally supported me.

Sierra, who was sitting on my lap fiddling with the scar on my palm, spoke to me.

“Big Brother.”

“Mmm.”

“Where did you go?”

I stayed silent because I didn’t know how to explain that place, so Sierra asked a different question.

“Is it… okay for you to go outside now?”

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

Sierra’s voice was bright. I opened my closed eyes. Sierra, who had tilted her head back as far as it could go to look at my face, smiled widely when our eyes met.

“Then can you take walks with me?”

“We can even go on picnics.”

“Really?”

Isaac also asked with eyes wide… well, they were too swollen for that, but anyway, he asked with eyes opened as wide as possible. I laughed and affirmed, then slowly told them about what I experienced in the ruins.

Sierra found it fascinating that her seventeen-year-old self had developed a hobby for hunting, and Isaac nodded as if it were only natural while hearing about his future self becoming a Sword Master. As for the story about the ‘other’ Kallios… I glossed over it appropriately. Fortunately or unfortunately, the two weren’t very curious about Kallios’s future. Instead, they asked an enormous number of questions about me.

The two were especially enthusiastic about the fact that ‘Emperor Kaian’ was an expert in swordsmanship. For the sake of the two kids with shining, swollen eyes, I had to stand up, grab a teaspoon, and flail my arms around. It was a bit… no, it was incredibly embarrassing.

I found out what punishment Kallios had received a month after returning to the spire.

Kallios, with dark, hollow circles under his eyes, visited me even though I hadn’t asked him to and he wasn’t sick. And it was (by my standards) late at night, right before I fell asleep.

I was startled by the door suddenly opening and opened my eyes, then stood up and ran out barefoot at the sound of a voice calling “Your Majesty.”

“Kallios.”

“Your Majesty… no, Big Brother.”

Kallios looked at me with a confused expression before pulling me into a hug. Because he leaned his full weight on me, I was pushed back several steps by the weight and force. Kallios hurriedly grabbed my waist and pulled me toward him. I was suffocated by the strength of his tight embrace, but for now, I hugged him back. His ragged breath poured over the nape of my neck. It was too ticklish to pull away, but his condition looked quite bad.

“Kallios.”

“Big Brother.”

Something touched my neck. I was horrified by the damp sensation and tried to push him away, but I couldn’t escape the embrace where he held me with interlocked fingers. I twisted my body in terror at the feeling of him licking and then biting. The guy, who was persistently kissing along my neck, shoved his face toward mine and stopped just before our lips touched.

“…Big Brother.”

He sighed and loosened the strength in his arms. I first moved back three steps, then another step to widen the distance. He rubbed his face with his hands, sighed once more, and turned around.

“I’m sorry.”

The sound of him turning the doorknob echoed. I was very surprised and flustered by the guy suddenly coming in and acting… strangely, but there was something that came to mind from the title ‘Your Majesty’ and his attitude, so I called out to him.

“Duke Rotenmeyer?”

Light poured in from the door that was open by about half a span. I watched the light cast a long shadow over the left side of his face before slowly approaching. There was nothing on his cheek. It was the face of the youthful twenty-year-old man I knew. He was definitely the Emperor of this country Caprejena, my brother…

“It has been a long time. Those words… do not seem appropriate, do they?”

Despite his calm voice and expression, he looked pained. I pushed the door he had opened shut. The thought I had while embracing him was, as it had been all my life, cowardly and selfish.

I have been given a chance.