I Didn’t Touch Him—But I Wanted To

“I honestly have no idea what I’m doing.”

Sitting in his living room after seeing the drunk Haeyoon home and replaying the day’s events, Jeongha uttered a frustrated sigh.

He literally felt like he couldn’t get a grip on what he was doing right now.

In the car, Haeyoon had leaned on his shoulder and dozed off the entire way. He’d occasionally let out soft groans and had even pulled Jeongha’s arm to hug it.

Whenever the car jostled and he briefly regained consciousness, he’d hurriedly straighten up and properly apologize, saying ‘I’m sorry.’ Not that it lasted; the warm, dry air in the car would soon make his head droop again.

Of course, Haeyoon was unaware that Jeongha had continuously caught his falling face and gently leaned it back against his shoulder each time.

The whole way, Jeongha had found it adorable. If anyone else had tried that, he’d have seen right through it as an obvious ploy, felt disgusted, and been busy shaking them off.

No, he probably wouldn’t have even let a drunk person into his car and personally driven them home in the first place.

Everything that happened with Haeyoon today was a new experience for Jeongha. All of it, including sneakily holding Haeyoon’s hand that was wrapped around his arm while pretending not to notice.

He even briefly wondered if he’d always had a preference for Betas. Of course, that wasn’t the case.

There had been Betas who expressed interest in Jeongha before. But in his entire life, Jeongha had never once felt sexual desire for a Beta.

It was partly about preference, but also about efficiency. Why bother when there were dynamics with whom it was mutually easier and more intensely pleasurable? No Beta had ever been interesting enough to make him ignore all that.

But today, for the first time in his life, Baek Jeongha felt a yearning for a Beta.

When he looked down at Haeyoon’s long, fluttering lashes under the flickering streetlight.
When he caught the scent of alcohol and, underneath it, the faint, familiar smell of paint from Seo Haeyoon standing so close.
When that tall, slender body leaned its weight into his embrace. In those moments.

To be honest, Jeongha had wanted to grab his face and kiss him hard. He’d wanted to envelop Haeyoon in his pheromones like he would with an Omega, to excite him.

He knew Seo Haeyoon was a Beta and couldn’t sense his pheromones. But that, paradoxically, became a new point of stimulation. He’d wanted to leave his scent all over Haeyoon’s oblivious body, as if marking his territory. Other Alphas would know Seo Haeyoon already belonged to Baek Jeongha.

“Haah…”

Yet, in the end, a sigh escaped Jeongha’s lips as he replayed the day. Even if he was acting like he was dying to sleep with him, that wasn’t really the problem.

The talk of pheromones and such was merely a smokescreen to hide the truly important issue.

‘Things like this hurt too much….’

The moment Jeongha heard those words from Haeyoon, he recalled the pain he himself had felt. Just remembering it brought back vivid agony, as if he were hearing it again. It felt as if someone had grabbed his heart, squeezed it tight, and then ripped it out.

The pain that person, whose face looked like it wouldn’t shed a drop of blood even if stabbed, had calmly spilled left a deep mark on Jeongha’s heart.

In that moment, Baek Jeongha could have kissed Seo Haeyoon. He was drunk and emotionally vulnerable.

But Baek Jeongha didn’t. If he stripped away all the pathetic excuses, the biggest reason was that he simply didn’t want to. Jeongha just wanted to hold Haeyoon. He wanted to cradle the wounds that Haeyoon said hurt.

Baek Jeongha, acting so sentimental. If people around him knew, they’d be shocked, clamoring for the real Baek Jeongha to come back.

Seo Haeyoon had clearly been someone who caught his eye from the start. That’s why he’d willingly jumped into this arrangement.

But he hadn’t anticipated in the slightest that Haeyoon would mess with his heart like this.

As his thoughts reached that point, the name Ahn Seonwoo naturally surfaced. The very person who dragged Seo Haeyoon into Baek Jeongha’s world and the root cause of the pain Haeyoon was feeling now. Surprisingly, Jeongha felt a desire to pay Seonwoo back on Haeyoon’s behalf.

The role Haeyoon wanted from Jeongha was to appear with him at Ahn Seonwoo’s wedding under the guise of a lover, nothing more, nothing less. That should have been enough.

But Baek Jeongha wanted to go further. Haeyoon had been in such pain over a single text message. If he was going to ignore it, fine, but if he was going to take revenge, it had to be on a fitting level.

Baek Jeongha wanted Ahn Seonwoo to be more shocked. He wanted him to hurt so miserably that he’d regret every ounce of pleasure he felt from insulting Haeyoon now.

Without hesitation, Jeongha picked up his phone and typed out a message to Seonwoo.

[Ahn Seonwoo]
[You won’t regret this marriage, will you?]

Then, Jeongha leaned back comfortably on the sofa and decided to wait just five minutes. It was quite late, so there was a high chance Seonwoo was already asleep.

In less than three minutes, his phone rang loudly. Jeongha quietly stared at the name ‘Ahn Seonwoo’ glowing on the bright screen.

This must be desperation too. The painful wound of a heartbreak that ached because he let it slip away. Ahn Seonwoo must have also been hurt and in pain over Baek Jeongha’s indifferent, cold, and even cruel demeanor.

However, the look in Jeongha’s eyes as he gazed down at Seonwoo’s desperation was utterly emotionless. Far from feeling pity or affection, he even seemed annoyed.

Jeongha didn’t answer the call until it ended. His goal was simply to rattle Seonwoo; there was no need to actually talk.

After the persistent ringing stopped, Jeongha waited a few minutes as planned before sending the next message. He wanted Seonwoo to read the signs of anguish in this gap.

He wanted Seonwoo to guess that Baek Jeongha was very confused, that he was restraining his desires. Of course, biding his time wasn’t easy, thanks to Seonwoo calling over and over again.

‘Have some sense.’ The words came to him unbidden. Both then and now, Ahn Seonwoo didn’t know the meaning of ‘enough.’ Jeongha was already sick of him.

Yet, to think the person Seonwoo chose over Seo Haeyoon was just… this.

To choose such a bland person over someone as fun, interesting, and multifaceted as Seo Haeyoon. Oh Jaeyeol must be quite the idiot too.

It was only after a long while that Ahn Seonwoo finally stopped calling. Only then could Jeongha send the rest of his planned messages.

[Sorry. I didn’t mean to contact you.]
[I had a bit to drink.]
[Forget it. Have a good marriage.]

Giving him a moment to think, he waited another beat.

[Sleep well.]

After sending the last message, Jeongha threw his phone onto the sofa without a second thought and headed to the bathroom.

Was Haeyoon asleep already? He’d been dozing off in the car, so he’d probably fallen asleep as soon as he got home. Jeongha pictured Seo Haeyoon collapsing on a sofa or bed, barely able to keep his eyes open. It was rather cute.

He hadn’t even drunk that much, how did he get so drunk?

The thought that he shouldn’t let Haeyoon drink like that in front of other people made him feel oddly giddy, as if they were really a couple.

Savoring a sensation he’d never felt with anyone else, Jeongha relaxed his body under the warm water. In the living room, his phone rang several more times, but it was none of Baek Jeongha’s concern.

Oh Jaeyeol and Ahn Seonwoo’s wedding was now just a week away.

* * * *

Haeyoon parked his car near the school’s main gate and gazed blankly out the window. It was a familiar scene.

A few years ago, Haeyoon had also been on this campus. The restaurants and cafes he used to frequent, the streets he wandered—each one came into view.

It stirred fresh emotions. Back then, Oh Jaeyeol and Ahn Seonwoo had always been by his side. While he’d spent plenty of time with other friends, none could compare to the time spent with those two.

And now, here he was, alone, recalling days that hadn’t even remained as proper memories. The things he once thought would last forever were no longer by his side.

Pushing back the welling sense of emptiness, Haeyoon turned his gaze, scanning the area near the main gate for the face he was waiting for.

With it being vacation, there weren’t many people, so finding someone shouldn’t be too hard. Haeyoon was currently waiting for Baek Jeongha.

Jeongha, who had said he had to meet a professor and was at the university, had texted after his errand, asking if Haeyoon wanted to have lunch together.

At the time, Haeyoon had been in his studio. Standing before a canvas as tall as himself, brush in hand, he was struggling to get anything to flow, no matter how hard he tried.

Wanting a change of pace, Haeyoon readily accepted Jeongha’s offer. It was a rare thing for Haeyoon, who rarely left once he entered his studio.

When Jeongha apologized, saying his car was in the shop for repairs and he couldn’t pick Haeyoon up, it was Haeyoon who offered to come get him at the university instead.

Lately, Haeyoon had been quite diligent in following Jeongha’s request to ‘let him take good care of him.’

It was the least he could do, given he was the one receiving help, and the guilt from getting drunk and causing a scene the other day added to it.

Jaeyeol and Seonwoo’s wedding wasn’t far off, and an end was in sight for this arrangement too. He wanted to do better, to be better, until the very end.

Then, he saw Baek Jeongha approaching his car from a distance. Even though the tinted windows meant Jeongha probably couldn’t see inside clearly, he waved as he walked over, as if Haeyoon were perfectly visible.

‘Should I wave back too? He probably can’t see me anyway.’ Even as he had the thought, Haeyoon found himself fluttering his fingertips in a little wave. It felt ticklish.