The Weight of Kindness

When she saw the girl again, she had already finished washing the dishes, and at some point, had changed back into her previous clothes. This left Liu Yinuo feeling a touch of regret. She had wanted to see the girl in feminine attire for a little longer.

Still, it hardly mattered. As long as the girl agreed to stay at her house, or at the very least, continued to come for tutoring at her home every noon as they had arranged, Liu Yinuo would always find an opportunity to buy her a more fitting, more beautiful set of feminine clothes.

She possessed this confidence, confident that her taste was no worse than Lin Ziyan’s, and even more confident that her resources far surpassed Lin Ziyan’s.

Her parents were educated professionals from the middle class, whereas Lin Ziyan’s parents were merely ordinary working-class laborers. This was a stark, undeniable disparity!

As long as Ye Xingmian agreed, Liu Yinuo was confident she could provide Ye Xingmian with a far better life, encompassing every aspect, from clothing and food to housing and daily living.

Yet, precisely because of this, she found it even harder to comprehend why, despite such a vast difference in their circumstances, the girl still avoided her.

She simply didn’t understand.

Lin Ziyan descended from upstairs. With her schoolbag slung over her shoulder, she cast a fleeting glance at the two below.

Without uttering a single word, she indifferently switched off the heating in the house, then opened the front door, evidently preparing to leave.

Liu Yinuo paid her no mind. Once downstairs, she immediately rushed to Ye Xingmian’s side.

“Shall we go?”

“Ah… I still need to mop the floor… You two go ahead…”

The girl’s voice was soft, lacking conviction. Liu Yinuo frowned.

“Can’t you mop later tonight?”

“Ah… if it’s tonight…”

“Come on, we’ll be late if we don’t leave now.”

“Alright… alright…”

In truth, the girl didn’t need to mop the floor at all. She simply didn’t want to walk with the class monitor again.

Each time she met the class monitor’s kindly sparkling eyes, an inexplicable disquiet settled in her conscience.

However, she was still terrible at lying, and equally terrible at using clumsy excuses to decline others’ suggestions.

Stepping out with Liu Yinuo, the girl locked the door, and handed the key to Lin Ziyan.

“Catch!”

With a cold toss, Lin Ziyan threw her schoolbag to the girl. Then, without another word, she walked away.

“Hey! Why don’t you carry your own schoolbag?”

“She’s my brother; I can make her carry my bag. What’s it to you?”

Without even turning her head, Lin Ziyan’s distance from them grew. She continued until she vanished from sight, leaving Liu Yinuo’s frown to deepen further.

Liu Yinuo watched the girl, who, without a single complaint, carried the heavy schoolbag on her back. The scarf Liu Yinuo had given her was still wrapped around her neck. It was clear she was struggling, her body swaying precariously.

“Give it to me, I’ll carry it for you,” Liu Yinuo offered.

The girl simply shook her head gently, her soft hair swaying slightly with the movement.

“I’m fine, Class Monitor.”

Having replied, the girl began walking forward with the schoolbag on her back, and Liu Yinuo quickly followed.

“Are you sure? You’re too thin; carrying that must be exhausting, right?”

The girl remained silent.

Seeing her like this, Liu Yinuo was at a loss for words.

They walked together for a long time. Hard, frozen snow piled up on the roadside, and their breaths condensed into white mist in the frigid air. Despite the sun’s illumination, the temperature today remained exceptionally cold, even more so than usual.

“Ye Xingmian… are you truly not considering what I said?”

The girl suddenly stopped in her tracks.

Liu Yinuo discerned a hidden struggle on her face. She didn’t know what the girl was thinking, but she vaguely realized one thing: ‘Perhaps she doesn’t want to refuse me, either?’

“I’m sorry, Class Monitor, I cannot agree.”

Having finally uttered that sentence after a long hesitation, the girl resumed walking forward.

“Why? Can you tell me the reason? If you just tell me, I’ll help you find a solution, really!”

Hoping to move the girl with her sincerity, Liu Yinuo quietly drew closer to her, and clasped the girl’s small hand.

Liu Yinuo felt the girl’s hand stiffen slightly, but it neither pulled away nor struggled. Instead, it allowed itself to be held. Evidently, the girl didn’t seem to resist her closeness.

However, unlike her honest body, the girl kept her head lowered, maintaining her silence.

‘It’s like this again… always like this…’

‘Refusing to answer, saying nothing, bottling everything up inside.’

‘Can that solve problems? Can that fulfill wishes?’

Liu Yinuo simply couldn’t understand. Watching the girl, she unconsciously bit her lower lip, and inadvertently tightened her grip.

“Cla… Class Monitor…” the girl suddenly stammered, her voice trembling. “You’re hurting my hand…”

“Ah? Oh…” Liu Yinuo froze for a moment, then abruptly snapped back to reality. She released the girl’s hand as if shocked.

After that, the girl lowered her head, and with her other small hand, gently massaged the one that had been squeezed, trying to ease the pain.

“I’m sorry…” Liu Yinuo felt a pang of self-reproach. She couldn’t comprehend why she had made such a foolish mistake. Seeing the girl’s small hand, reddened by her grip, and the glimmer of tears in her eyes, she was overcome with guilt.

Feeling disheartened, she tried to find another topic of conversation.

“Um… Ye Xingmian… are you still feverish? Should I buy you more cold medicine?”

The girl offered no response, remaining silent.

“Oh, right… do you have properly fitting underwear now? How about I take you to a lingerie store to look? It won’t take long, and we won’t be late…” It was only then that she belatedly noticed the girl was no longer covering her chest with her hand this afternoon.

“…No, thank you, Class Monitor.” The girl’s voice sounded subdued.

“Then… then… about tutoring tomorrow… will you still come to my house?”

The girl did not reply.

Just as Liu Yinuo was still hesitating, wondering whether to search for another topic of conversation, the girl beside her suddenly turned and bowed.

“I’m sorry, Class Monitor… I have something urgent to attend to. I’ll be leaving now.”

After that, the girl hastily fled, leaving Liu Yinuo standing dumbfounded, gazing blankly at her retreating figure.

Liu Yinuo looked at her hand. Just moments ago, it had held a warm, soft hand, but now it was empty.

“Did I do something wrong?” she wondered, a sense of bewilderment washing over her.

****

With the heavy schoolbag on her back, the girl ran without stopping. She didn’t go to school, but instead found a deserted, narrow alley.

Gasping for breath, she leaned against the wall. Her eyes were red-rimmed, and she could no longer hold back. Clear tears streamed down her cheeks.

‘Why… why is this happening… why…’

‘I’m sorry… Class Monitor… I’m sorry… I didn’t want to refuse… I… I… I feel so terrible…’

In her mind, the class monitor’s caring words replayed endlessly. The carefulness when she probed for answers, the guilt and shock when she accidentally hurt her hand, and all those warm interactions.

Each memory felt like a sharp knife, silently piercing her trembling heart.

Weakly, she slid down the wall. Her vision was already blurred by tears. ‘She felt utterly useless, so utterly useless!’

‘Why don’t I even have the courage to accept the Class Monitor’s kindness? Why am I so cowardly?’

‘Why?’

She had thought that after yesterday’s events, she would be able to change, to at least become a little tougher.

And indeed, she had. She no longer feared the bitter cold of the wind and snow, nor the cold stares from her adoptive parents’ home.

Those things could no longer leave a mark on her heart. She truly was trying to change.

Yet, when confronted with the class monitor’s genuine kindness, that intense feeling of unworthiness and guilt still effortlessly crushed her.

“Wuwuwu… I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”

The girl hugged her knees. In this sunless alley, the temperature was even colder, and her hands were already chapped and red from the cold.

She vaguely seemed to realize something, yet she dared not accept it as her own thought.

‘She was neither worthy, nor should she be.’

Her shoulders trembled slightly, and tears fell silently, soaking the warm scarf.

‘I think…’

A powerful wave of self-loathing surged within her, boiling over in that instant.

‘No mistake… no mistake… it’s really like that…’

‘I think… I’ve grown to like the Class Monitor a little.’