I Let You Go… For Good This Time

“But actually meeting Jaeyeol again was so different from my vague imaginings. I wasn’t the least bit shaken. It was surprising even to myself. Insignificant to a pathetic degree—that was exactly what Haeyoon was feeling now.”

“Why didn’t you contact me?”

Unable to bear Haeyoon’s response, which bordered on bored, Jaeyeol asked. He hadn’t intended to ask so bluntly, but Haeyoon’s unexpected reaction made him anxious.

Haeyoon looked as if he didn’t understand the question.

“Why would I contact you, hyung?”

“What?”

“Why would I reach out to someone who’s married and living well?”

The clear answer left Jaeyeol speechless. He wondered when Haeyoon had become so cold. Haeyoon was often told by strangers that his tone was blunt, but he had always been gentle and warm with Jaeyeol, so he had never experienced that side of him.

Until today.

“Hyung.”

Haeyoon’s gaze, which had been fixed on his coffee cup, looked straight at Jaeyeol. Caught in those eyes, like a deep abyss that allowed no escape, Jaeyeol floundered, unable to run. Haeyoon continued.

“Yeah. Since we met like this anyway… there’s something I wanted to say.”

Jaeyeol couldn’t even answer, just swallowed dryly. He had no idea what Haeyoon would say, and it was maddening.

Haeyoon’s long, slender fingers toyed with his coffee cup. He couldn’t explain why that trivial action now seemed so endearing.

“Even though our ending wasn’t good… yeah. There were times I resented you for it.”

“Haeyoon, that….”

“Just let me talk.”

Haeyoon cut off Jaeyeol’s words, which would have been no more than an excuse. Right now, there wasn’t a single thing he wanted to hear from Jaeyeol. There was a time when he had desperately wanted even a cheap apology, but not anymore.

“But still… it wasn’t all bad between us, was it? I was mostly happy with you. They’re precious memories, and I learned a lot and grew thanks to you. That foundation made me who I am.”

As he spoke each word, his heart felt lighter. It felt like he was finally properly concluding a relationship that had been forcibly severed.

Anger and resentment were emotions. Even if it wasn’t love or lingering attachment, it was still something directed at the other person. Haeyoon didn’t want to leave even that with Jaeyeol.

“So I don’t want to keep you as a bad memory. So, hyung.”

It wasn’t forgiveness. Letting go of these feelings didn’t mean he was forgiving him. He just didn’t want to let the existence of Oh Jaeyeol linger in his heart with any meaning. Today’s farewell was about erasing the last traces of Jaeyeol within him.

Jaeyeol waited for Haeyoon’s final words with the heart of a convict awaiting sentencing. Though Haeyoon was sitting right before him, he felt impossibly distant.

“Live well with Ahn Seonwoo. Since it’s a love you fought hard for, cherish each other.”

“You… Haeyoon, you….”

“And I hope we don’t run into each other again. I’ll be going first.”

With that, Haeyoon stood up without hesitation. It felt like he was finally saying a proper goodbye. A sudden urgency filled him. Not because of Jaeyeol, but because there was a face he wanted to see.

It was a farewell he wouldn’t have been able to make without Baek Jeongha. Because Jeongha was by his side, because he said he would always be there, Haeyoon could acknowledge his wounds and move forward. So now, more than anything, Haeyoon desperately wanted to see Jeongha.

“Seo Haeyoon.”

Just as Haeyoon was about to turn away, Jaeyeol roughly pushed his chair back and stood up, grabbing his wrist. His eyes trembled incessantly.

This wasn’t right. He hadn’t come all this way imagining this. He hadn’t wanted something specific, but he hadn’t come to sever all ties with Haeyoon like this.

“Are you really okay?”

Devoid of the composure to embellish or evade, Jaeyeol asked. Before Haeyoon could answer, his urgent voice continued.

“Have you really forgotten me? Already? Are you really that indifferent? Are you, Seo Haeyoon?”

“Hyung.”

“No, it doesn’t make sense! How many years did we date? It’s only been how long… how long since we broke up? You, you kept loving me!”

Even up to the moment I discarded you, you only had me.

That was the sentiment in Jaeyeol’s words. Mean, childish words. Words that, before, would have been a terrible wound to Haeyoon. But now, such words didn’t hurt him, didn’t even disappoint him.

But in that moment, Jeongha’s voice came to Haeyoon’s mind. That night’s voice, of the man who had taken on troublesome matters for him, yet was so anxious about being disliked. And also his own resolve not to cowardly back down or run from his own affairs.

Haeyoon looked straight into Jaeyeol’s trembling eyes and spoke.

“If I hadn’t forgotten… would you come back?”

He understood what Jaeyeol’s actions meant—the one who had left first, not only constantly contacting him but now even coming to find him, spouting nonsense.

Whether it was simply because his marriage to Ahn Seonwoo wasn’t going as planned, or because he was belatedly regretting his choice, it didn’t matter. What mattered was that Oh Jaeyeol still cared about Seo Haeyoon. Just like Ahn Seonwoo still had feelings for Baek Jeongha.

“What would change if I was still hurting because of you? Would you leave Ahn Seonwoo and come back to me?”

Truthfully, Haeyoon wasn’t concerned with what impact these words would have on Jaeyeol. Either way, his choice couldn’t affect him anymore.

He just wanted to contribute, even a little, to the outcome Baek Jeongha was aiming for. That was all.

Haeyoon removed Jaeyeol’s hand from his wrist.

“Don’t test my feelings for no reason if you don’t intend to follow through, hyung. I’ve already suffered enough because of you.”

“…….”

“Get home safe.”

With that, Haeyoon turned and left the café without a moment’s hesitation. Jaeyeol stood there, watching his back grow distant for a long time.

The look in Haeyoon’s eyes when they last met stayed in Jaeyeol like poison, suffocating him. Those eyes, deep and dark as an abyss, betrayed no thought, no emotion.

The realization that he had been pushed out of Seo Haeyoon’s world spread through him with sharp clarity.

Seo Haeyoon, who had loved Oh Jaeyeol, had always been like clear, pure water. Jaeyeol had always known what he was thinking, how he was looking at him.

Now, Seo Haeyoon had become the deep sea. A distant ocean Jaeyeol could never peer into, never fathom.

The realization was so overwhelming, and he couldn’t accept that it was his own doing that had pushed Seo Haeyoon so far away.

Jaeyeol stood there dazed for a long time, staring at the spot Haeyoon had left.

* * * *

As soon as Haeyoon got in his car, he called Jeongha. His heart, which had been calm in front of Jaeyeol, now pounded fiercely.

In truth, Haeyoon was somewhat exhilarated. He hadn’t imagined he could become so cold so quickly with Jaeyeol. He wanted to tell Jeongha right away. He wanted to tell him everything he had said and done to Jaeyeol, like a child seeking praise.

– …Hello?

But the moment Jeongha answered, Haeyoon’s expression turned flustered. Because even to an outsider, Jeongha’s voice sounded like he had just woken up.

Haeyoon hurriedly checked the time. It was past 1 AM. He had promised to call after finishing work, and it hadn’t occurred to him that Jeongha might be asleep.

“S-sorry, Jeongha. Did I wake you?”

– No, ahem. No. I just… dozed off for a bit.

His voice, thick and raspy, was heavy with fatigue. Jeongha was busy preparing for graduation and finding a job, so it was natural he was exhausted, and worrying about Haeyoon on top of that.

It seemed he kept being less than a proper hyung to Jeongha. Haeyoon’s expression dimmed slightly. Meanwhile, Jeongha, having cleared his throat, continued.

– Is work done?

“Mm-hmm.”

– You worked hard. Are you home?

“No, not yet. I was just about to leave.”

– You’ll be tired from driving.

“Is now really the time to be worrying about me?”

When Haeyoon answered with a slight pout, a pleasant laugh came from the other end.

In that moment, Haeyoon hesitated. Nothing had happened, so did he really need to mention meeting Jaeyeol and make him worry? Couldn’t he just tell him next time they met?

“Hmm… but Jeongha.”

– Yeah?

“You know, well….”

But Haeyoon quickly changed his mind. He remembered how much comfort that call from Jeongha had been on the day he happened to see him meet Ahn Seonwoo. If Jeongha hadn’t told him first, Haeyoon would have spent a considerable time suffering in the worst possible imaginings.

Of course, Jeongha wasn’t in the same situation he had been in then, but Haeyoon didn’t want to do anything that would disappoint Jeongha’s trust in any way.

– What’s wrong? Did something happen?

Sensing something amiss, Jeongha asked, and Haeyoon spoke.

“Oh Jaeyeol came by. In front of the studio.”