The Weight of Memories and New Beginnings

“Stupid brat. You don’t even deserve to eat.”

In my dream, someone was poking my forehead with my own ballpoint pen.

“Wrong, this one’s wrong too… What is this? They’re all wrong.”

A test paper, torn to shreds, fluttered down like falling leaves.

“Don’t go around telling people you’re my friend. It’s embarrassing.”

The faceless person in my dream rained down insults and criticism, but I couldn’t utter a single word in protest. Because it was all true. Even after waking up, I couldn’t move for a long while. My forehead felt like it was still throbbing.

“…Other reincarnators use their past memories to their advantage, so what’s wrong with me?”

Memories of being called stupid couldn’t be used for anything. I wished someone would just gouge these memories out. They were incomplete anyway; it wouldn’t matter if they disappeared. In fact, my quality of life would probably improve. Even in the middle of studying, the memory of being insulted would resurface, breaking my concentration more than once or twice.

I recalled a rumor I had heard once.

“…I heard there’s a mage at the Magic Tower who can perform memory manipulation magic.”

Of course, the commission fee was said to be astronomical, but I felt certain that if I could just cut these memories out, I would be able to focus entirely on my current life. It gave me one more reason to land a good job after graduation. In times like this, I felt truly lucky to have been reincarnated into a fantasy world.

I got out of bed and washed up thoroughly. Then, I opened my wardrobe. A brightly colored outfit caught my eye—something my nanny had bought me when I entered the academy, telling me to try something different. Should I wear it just for a change of pace?

I even tried changing my hairstyle. Thinking of a surprised Michael, I changed my clothes and fixed my hair. Then, an hour later, standing before the mirror, I thought:

Let’s just go as usual.

The version of me in the mirror felt too strange and unfamiliar to endure. I changed back and left the room. Michael and Ronia were waiting for me at the dormitory entrance. I quickly ran toward them.

“Sorry, did you wait long?”

“No, we just got here early.”

“Let’s go eat breakfast, fast. I’m hungry.”

At Ronia’s urging, Michael and I exchanged a glance. I cautiously called out to her.

“Hey, Ronia.”

Michael gently took my hand. He spoke up.

“We… we’ve decided to date.”

Ronia stared at us in silence before finally opening her mouth.

“Finally. You two are honestly exhausting.”

“I’m sorry, Ronia. Were you really surprised?”

“No. Let’s just go eat. I didn’t even get dinner last night because of my research.”

Ronia’s reaction was almost too calm. I scanned her face for any signs of discomfort.

“Wait, you aren’t upset or shocked?”

“Can I be honest with you?”

“What is it?”

“You two have been dating since the dawn of time. There’s nothing to be surprised about now, so let’s just go eat breakfast.”

“…Yeah, let’s do that.”

Ronia led the way to the cafeteria, then asked as if she had just remembered something.

“By the way, what happened with that guy Zeno yesterday?”

“He was hitting on me so blatantly that I was getting uncomfortable, but someone from your department showed up and revealed that he already has a fiancée.”

Ronia whipped her head around.

“He has a fiancée?”

“Yeah.”

“What a piece of trash.”

“So I told him never to talk to me again and left.”

“Good job. But you said it was someone from my department?”

“Yeah, they seemed quite close. He wore a monocle—do you know him?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Really?”

That was a shame. I really wanted to thank him. I hoped we would run into each other again someday. We ordered our usual sandwiches at the cafeteria and took our seats.

“But don’t you have a class with that Zeno guy?”

“I do. That’s why I’m worried.”

“What’s there to worry about? Just make out with Michael right in front of him. He’ll get the message then.”

“Ronia…!”

I was so glad it was the weekend. Usually, the cafeteria would be packed, but it was quite empty today. After making sure no one was around, I hissed at Ronia.

“What kind of nonsense are you talking about first thing in the morning?”

“Nonsense? I’m just giving you the most foolproof method.”

“But no matter how I think about it, that’s way too embarrassing!”

I asked desperately.

“Wouldn’t just a hug work? I think a hug is just the right amount.”

Michael called my name.

“Cecil?”

Realizing too late what I had just said, I hurriedly buried my face toward my plate. Michael tucked a lock of hair behind my ear and spoke.

“It’s okay. I’ll do whatever you want.”

“No, I just said that in the heat of the moment. Ronia’s suggestion is just too embarrassing…”

“A hug isn’t embarrassing?”

“Well, a hug is embarrassing too, but it’s definitely less embarrassing than that…”

Ronia poked a piece of mango with her fork and chimed in.

“That? You mean a kiss?”

“…”

I stared blankly at Ronia before asking, “Ronia, how can you say things like that so bluntly without even changing your expression?”

“And how can you be your age and get so embarrassed over a single word like ‘kiss’?”

I accidentally made eye contact with Michael. I looked down immediately. But even in this moment, I couldn’t help a surge of unbearable curiosity.

“Um, Michael.”

“Yes?”

“Which side are you on?”

“What do you mean, ‘which side’?”

“I mean, you know…”

Was Michael someone like Ronia, for whom a kiss was nothing, or was he like me…? Ah, my face was burning so much I couldn’t speak another word. Then, Michael leaned in and whispered in my ear.

“I’ll let you know in person later.”

…In person? How? I ended up burying my face on the table.

“Anyway, congratulations on officially dating.”

“Yeah, thank you.”

After breakfast, we ordered fruit juices at a cafe. Ronia gave us her sincere congratulations while sipping her juice, and I almost felt like crying at her kindness.

“Once my fiancée comes to visit, let’s go on a double date.”

“Yeah, let’s definitely do that.”

Speaking of which—an engagement. I asked tentatively.

“Do you know how much it usually costs to hold an engagement ceremony?”

“Are you two planning to get engaged already?”

“Oh, no! I was just curious.”

“Well, considering how long you’ve been together, once your families find out you’re dating, they’ll probably tell you to get engaged immediately.”

At the mention of family, both Michael and I fell silent. After a moment, Michael spoke up with a shy smile.

“I think we might just skip the engagement and go straight to marriage.”

“What? Really?”

“Yeah. Cecil proposed to me yesterday as soon as we started dating.”

“Michael…!”

I tried to cover Michael’s mouth, but it was already too late. Ronia clicked her tongue.

“Are you shy or are you aggressive? One minute you’re blushing over a kiss, and the next you’re talking marriage.”

I tried desperately to explain.

“Strangely, that was the only word I could think of back then. It just slipped out in the moment!”

Michael immediately looked dejected, like a puppy caught in the rain.

“You don’t want to marry me?”

Breaking into a cold sweat, I tried to explain to Michael as well.

“No, it’s not that. It’s just, even though we’ve known each other for a long time, we’ve only been dating for a day. Shouldn’t we get to know each other a bit more?”

“Wouldn’t we get to know each other even better if we were married?”

“…”

That’s exactly why I don’t want to get married. I thought to myself. Michael was a precious childhood friend and lover whom I shared everything with, but I couldn’t bear to share my “bottom of the barrel” self with him. If I relied on Michael any more than this, I would become trash—the kind of trash that uses a precious person as an emotional garbage bin.

“Cecil?”

Marriage was absolutely out of the question. Even yesterday, I couldn’t sleep because I was worrying about things that hadn’t even happened. If we got married, I would have to show him everything. When I remained silent, Michael burst into laughter.

“Why are you being so serious?”

“Huh? Oh, what?”

“I was just teasing you because your reaction was so funny. Of course it’s a bit much to think about marriage after only one day, right?”

Only then did the tension leave my body, and I waved my hands dismissively.

“Of course! Who on earth would seriously consider marriage after dating for only one day?”

“Right. There’s absolutely no one who would think about marriage after one day.”

As Michael and I laughed, Ronia said with a look of disbelief, “Give it a rest. Michael’s going to cry.”

“Huh? What was that?”

The moment I asked, Michael cut in hurriedly.

“Oh, Ronia. When are you and your fiancée getting married?”

“We’re planning to get married during the summer break of our third year.”

I nearly dropped my fork. I thought they’d at least wait until graduation, but in the middle of our third year, which is the most hectic time? I asked repeatedly.

“Are you really doing it in your third year? Not a joke, for real?”

“Why would I lie about that?”

“Then why didn’t you say anything sooner?”

“Because you guys didn’t ask.”

“Sorry, I just naturally assumed you’d wait until after graduation.”

“My parents have been pestering us so much. Make sure you both come to the wedding.”

“Yeah, we’ll definitely be there.”

“Well, it’s a wedding, but I don’t think it’ll be anything special. We’re planning to keep it as simple as possible. But why do you have that look on your face?”

I shook my head.

“No, it just… feels strange.”

Even as a reincarnator, I still felt like a child, yet Ronia, who was my age, already had a marriage plan laid out. It felt like everyone else was sprinting ahead while I was still standing at the starting line.

“I’m still just a kid who grumbles about not wanting to do assignments.”

Ronia replied nonchalantly.

“I don’t want to do assignments either.”

“…”

“It’s a good thing I’m in the Magic Department. If I were in the General Department like you guys and had to do three or four assignments a day, I would have dropped out already.”

Suddenly, Ronia felt like a fellow student again. I stirred my juice with the straw and called her name.

“Hey, Ronia.”

“Yeah.”

“What do you think it’ll be like to be married?”

“I haven’t done it yet, so how should I know?”

“…Ah, I guess so.”

“But,” Ronia said, finishing the rest of her fruit juice in one gulp. “I’m sure something will change. It is marriage, after all.”