The Truth I Can’t Keep Pretending

I stood quietly in front of the blank canvas.

Woo Jaeyoung, who had been staring down at the black sheet and his soot-stained fingertips, lost in thought, stepped out to take a call when his phone vibrated.

When he came back, his expression was grim.

He ran a hand through his hair several times with irritation before finally managing to suppress some of that sharp edge.

‘I said I’d be back in three hours at most…’

He kept telling me not to leave the studio and to wait quietly, over and over again.

I nodded obediently.

Of course, despite my compliance, Woo Jaeyoung didn’t seem reassured at all.

I didn’t know what urgent matter had suddenly come up, but since he even took Gamja and Hobi—who were always assigned to stay by my side—it clearly wasn’t something minor.

“…Guess I’ll just draw.”

Since he had left and no one was watching, I figured I might as well try drawing comfortably.

I needed to know my level to decide whether I could return to university or just stay on leave.

But even standing in front of the prepared canvas, I couldn’t bring myself to draw anything.

It wasn’t fear of failing.

It was closer to having no desire to create at all.

After hesitating for a moment, my gaze drifted to the black sheet on the table.

Woo Jaeyoung had said it was “filled with black,” but I thought differently.

This was blank space.

Strangely, that was the first thought that came to me.

No—not just a thought.

A certainty.

As if some lingering emotion left behind in this body had surfaced, as if I had naturally inherited something ‘Yoo Sowon’ had failed to erase.

That black void, crammed into the space between white pages where no one could fully understand it, felt just like the starting point of my own memories.

The darkness of a seaside warehouse filled with the scent of salt.

The silence born from ignorance.

A vague sense of alienation and fear buried deep in memory.

And the suffocating, long-standing loneliness that could only be concealed by painting everything black.

Everything was black.

And yet, a void that could only be complete when filled completely created a simple irony.

“……”

That pitch-black thing felt like me.

A fool who could barely remember anything.

A broken body.

A missing child.

If Woo Jaeyoung hadn’t found me when he did, it wouldn’t have been strange if I had died somewhere, anytime.

Like my current reality, I couldn’t see even an inch ahead.

Without thinking, I reached out.

Ignoring the pastel sticks that looked like cotton candy and the barely-used paints and brushes, I picked up—

A long, black conté stick.

“Yoo Sowon.”

A familiar voice sounded behind me.

Woo Jaeyoung had returned and was now standing there.

“You’re back?”

“Yeah.”

He reached around me from behind and lightly held my arm.

Wrapping me in his embrace, he slowly rubbed his thumb near my wrist.

He didn’t care at all that black smudges spread onto his skin.

“What is this? You look like a mutt that rolled around in soot near a furnace. I leave you alone in the studio and you forget about your hyung completely?”

There was a hint of amusement in his voice as he scolded me for not even calling him once.

“I knew you were busy. I’m not that inconsiderate.”

“Wow, hearing something like that from the fearless bulldozer Yoo Sowon… our baby’s grown up?”

“Baby? Seriously… hey, move. You’ll get your clothes dirty.”

I squirmed and slipped out of his arms.

And honestly, he was right.

After getting carried away while drawing, my white T-shirt, my arms, my hands—even my face—were smudged and messy.

I really did look like a dirty little mutt.

Woo Jaeyoung stepped back slightly as I wanted and looked at the canvas.

“You drew that while waiting?”

“Yeah.”

“…It’s black again.”

I smiled faintly and pointed to the lower part of the painting.

“No. Look here.”

There was a small door where the darkness didn’t fully cover.

It had taken me a ridiculous amount of effort to paint the light pouring through that slightly open door.

But it was worth it.

Though most of the canvas was darkness, the area near the door wasn’t.

Where the door opened, even just a little, the black void had receded under the light.

“To me, this light was you.”

The man who found me in complete darkness.

Who followed me relentlessly, called my name, brought me back, and told me to use him.

Through Woo Jaeyoung, I began to understand where I was.

I started to understand ‘Yoo Sowon.’

And slowly, I understood why he loved ‘Woo Jaeyoung.’

Because in this unfamiliar world, he was the only light.

The only connection.

So if I had to draw anything…

It had to be him.

“Sowon.”

Suddenly, my body was spun around.

Before I could react, I was pulled into a tight embrace.

“Yoo Sowon.”

“…Hyung, what are you—”

“Am I?”

His arms tightened around my waist.

It felt like he was trembling slightly.

“Am I really that kind of person to you?”

“I don’t know what you mean exactly, but… you are someone I’m grateful to. You saved me, so technically—hyung, I can’t breathe. Jaeyoung hyung? Hello?”

He was holding me so tightly it felt like my breath was being crushed out of me.

The heat pouring off him was overwhelming.

“I’ve never thought like this before. I always believed it’d be better to just live however I could and die in the gutter.

But when I see you, it feels like everything I’ve built gets denied all at once, Yoo Sowon.”

“……”

“You.”

His voice sounded heavy.

“Do you believe people can change?”

The way such a large man clung to me felt strangely fragile.

Hesitantly, I raised my arms and hugged him back.

As I awkwardly patted his back, he stayed silent, as if waiting for my answer.

After a long pause, I spoke.

“…If they truly want to.”

“Yoo Sowon. Do you think I can change?”

“If… you want to.”

He let out a low, rough sigh.

His throat moved as if he swallowed back something harsher.

“I’m going to take that however I want.”

His voice sounded both threatening and defensive.

“I’ll take it as you giving me one last chance. As you leaving me room to fix what I lost.”

His embrace didn’t loosen even a little.

I couldn’t see his face.

I could only feel his voice and his warmth.

And somehow, that made it easier.

Because I could pretend not to see.

Because for now, I could pretend not to know.

“Let’s start over.”

He whispered.

“If it’s my fault you ended up like this, then this time… do things your way. Use me however you want.

If you want to date, we’ll date. If you want something, I’ll buy it. If you want my liver or my gallbladder, fine, I’ll give those too.

If you want a child, we’ll have one again. If you want to get married, we can do that too.

If you hate that I’m just a thug with a fancy title… it might take time, but I’ll figure something out.”

“……”

“Just don’t leave me. Don’t run away again. Anything else—do whatever you want. Just give me the chance to stay by your side while you do.”

Don’t run away from me.

For some reason, those words made him feel smaller.

I stayed in his arms, unable to move, and suddenly asked,

“Hyung.”

Hearing how desperate he sounded, a strange guilt rose inside me.

The ‘Yoo Sowon’ he was looking for wasn’t me.

And he didn’t know that.

The one who should hear these words… wasn’t here.

How long could I keep hiding that truth?

Woo Jaeyoung was sharp.

Compared to him, I was unstable and clumsy.

That made it all feel even more suffocating.

“…Hyung. If I’m not the Yoo Sowon you’re looking for… what will you do?”

He let go of me at those words.

“What are you talking about? Why wouldn’t you be you?”

“……”

“Yoo Sowon is right here. Do you know how much shit I went through to bring you back in front of me—”

He stopped himself, then looked at me steadily.

“You’re the person I was looking for.”

It was a ridiculous thought.

But hearing that, I wanted it to be true.

I found myself wishing that I really was Yoo Sowon.

Because then maybe this black emptiness inside me wouldn’t feel so frightening anymore.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

He lowered his gaze and smiled sharply.

“What if I take that as you wanting to kiss me?”

Even when I didn’t react, his lips brushed mine briefly.

It was such a light touch it barely made a sound, but somehow, that made it feel even more vivid.

‘…This isn’t good.’

I placed my hands on his shoulders and swallowed.

I couldn’t tell if I was trying to pull him closer or push him away.

After staring into his dark eyes for a long moment, I finally spoke.

“Hyung, I have something to say. It’s serious.”

As much as he was sincere with me, I wanted to be honest with him too.

I didn’t want to deceive someone who was trying to change.

Maybe sensing my resolve, his expression hardened as well.

“…Fine. Let’s talk when we get home.”