She leaned against the corner of the wall, slowly squatting down, tightly clutching her burning chest.
Lan Yucheng was too gentle, unbelievably so.
She didn’t want anyone else to claim that gentleness.
Greedily, she wished to have it all to herself, to be the sole recipient of such tenderness.
Yet, Lan Yucheng would surely be displeased if she acted that way.
“Little Xue, if something’s wrong, come out and tell me.”
Lan Yucheng tapped on the door from outside.
“Mmm… alright.”
Qing Xinxue stood up, hesitantly opening the door just a crack.
Gazing at Lan Yucheng’s face, she silently stepped out and embraced her, ever so gently.
“Sister Cheng…”
“Yes, I’m here.”
Qing Xinxue opened her mouth, but still couldn’t voice the words in her heart.
Not yet. Their relationship… it wasn’t enough.
So, she changed her question.
“Can I sleep with Sister Cheng tonight?”
“Mmm, come to bed.”
Lan Yucheng nodded in agreement.
Qing Xinxue curled up on the inner side of the bed, her body stiffly maintaining a fist’s distance from Lan Yucheng.
In the darkness, she could distinctly hear her own heart pounding like a drum, and she could smell the faint, reassuring fragrance emanating from the person beside her.
This warmth, so close, drew her in like a magnet, yet also seared her reason like a branding iron.
Cautiously, excruciatingly slowly, she pressed her cheek closer to Lan Yucheng’s hair, which was spread across the pillow.
The slightly cool touch, the familiar scent, instantly pulled her back to that bone-chilling rainy night.
Memories surged like a tide, sweeping over her with the coldness of deep winter.
She had been so small then, dressed in thin clothes, pushed out of the door of what they called ‘home’.
Rain mixed with tears blurred her vision as she huddled beside a trash can on the street corner, so cold she was almost numb.
Around her, there were noisy voices and indifferent gazes; no one stopped for her.
Just as she thought she would silently freeze to death in that corner, an umbrella opened above her head.
She looked up and saw Lan Yucheng’s eyes, which always held a hint of coolness, yet in that moment seemed to contain the entire starry sky.
Lan Yucheng asked nothing. She simply took off her own coat, wrapped it around Qing Xinxue, then took her cold, dirty hand and led her home.
That home was warm and bright, with clean clothes, hot food, and Lan Yucheng’s silent but meticulous care.
From that day forward, Lan Yucheng became her entire world.
She was salvation, reliance, the only light in her barren life.
She clung to that gentleness like a drowning person grasping at a lifeline, greedily absorbing every ounce of warmth, terrified that if she let go even for a moment, she would plummet back into the boundless darkness and cold.
‘Sister Cheng…’ she screamed silently in her heart. ‘You pulled me out of hell; you can’t push me back in.’
‘I’m so scared… so scared you’ll abandon me like they did, so scared that one day, you’ll show that same gentle look to someone else, that you’ll share the care that was once only mine.’
‘I don’t want… I don’t want to share you with anyone! Your gentleness, your kindness, everything about you—I want to selfishly hide it away, to have it belong only to me.’
This intense possessiveness startled even herself, followed by endless panic and self-reproach.
‘But… I can’t be like this. Sister Cheng will hate it… she’ll definitely hate such an ugly, greedy me.’
‘If I speak it… if I let you know these dirty thoughts of mine, will you still let me stay by your side? Will I even be stripped of the right to sleep beside you like this?’
‘What should I do… Come closer to you? I’m afraid I won’t be able to control myself, afraid I’ll ruin you and myself. Stay away from you? …That would be more painful than killing me.’
The inner turmoil left her almost suffocated.
She instinctively moved a tiny bit closer to Lan Yucheng, her arm slightly raised, wanting to embrace the person beside her, to confirm that this warmth was real.
Her fingertips, just about to touch Lan Yucheng’s pajamas, recoiled abruptly as if shocked by electricity.
She bit down hard on her lower lip, swallowing the almost-spoken confession and whimpers deep into her throat, tasting the metallic tang of blood.
Ultimately, she merely, ever so lightly, hooked her fingertip around a small corner of Lan Yucheng’s pajama hem, like a drowning person clutching a final piece of driftwood.
‘Let it be this way… Sister Cheng.’
She pleaded in her endless internal monologue, tears silently soaking the pillow.
‘I won’t say it… I’ll never say it, as long as you don’t push me away…’
She closed her eyes, locking all her love, longing, fear, and humility within that silent, unknown darkness.
“Little Xue.”
Lan Yucheng, having received no reply for a moment, turned to look at her.
It would have been better if she hadn’t looked.
Upon seeing her, she was startled once more.
Qing Xinxue was still crying, tears streaming down her face as if they cost nothing.
Lan Yucheng hurriedly turned on the light and grabbed tissues, wiping her tears as she spoke.
“I told you to speak up if something’s wrong. Don’t keep it inside; it’s not good for you.”
“Sister Cheng…”
Qing Xinxue couldn’t bear to hear those words now. She would rather Lan Yucheng scold her, or hit her.
She didn’t want to be gently cared for like this.
“Sister Cheng… please scold me.”
“?”
Lan Yucheng paused in wiping her tears.
This… how could someone have such a preference?
She watched Qing Xinxue, whose eyes were tightly shut, yet tears continuously streamed from the slits. It didn’t seem like an act; it was more like a desperate plea.
“Why would I scold you?”
Lan Yucheng put down the tissue, her voice unconsciously tinged with an inquiring coolness.
She realized that ordinary gentle comfort had failed, and might even be counterproductive.
Perhaps, it was time for a different approach.
“What have you done wrong that warrants my scolding?”
Qing Xinxue’s eyes snapped open, her pupils trembling fragilely in the light.
She hadn’t expected Lan Yucheng to retort like that.
What had she done wrong? She had done too many things wrong; those dirty, possessive thoughts, each one unforgivable.
“I… I…” She stammered incoherently, unable to voice it.
“Can’t say it?”
Lan Yucheng leaned in slightly, her gaze fixed precisely on Qing Xinxue’s face, catching every subtle change in her expression.
She decided to take a risky approach, actively touching what seemed to be the most dangerous forbidden zone.
“Is it because you secretly smelled my clothes? Or is it… because you were just thinking some things about me that you can’t tell me yet?”
Qing Xinxue’s breathing abruptly stopped, her face instantly turning as pale as paper, even her lips losing all color.
She was like a fawn pinned to the spot by an arrow, without even the strength to struggle.
Lan Yucheng’s heart sank.
She had guessed correctly.
Qing Xinxue’s reaction confirmed that the core of the problem was far more complex than merely ‘smelling clothes’.
A deeper, darker emotion was festering within this girl, and she… knew nothing about it.
She reached out, gently lifting Qing Xinxue’s chin with her fingertips, forcing those eyes, brimming with fright and tears, to meet her own.
“Qing Xinxue,” she rarely called her by her full name, each word striking at the other’s crumbling nerves, “Tell me, what are you afraid of? Or rather… what are you thinking about me?”
Qing Xinxue looked into Lan Yucheng’s eyes, which seemed to see through everything, and her last psychological defense crumbled.
She opened her mouth, and a broken syllable escaped.
“I…”