I Know This Feeling… And I’m Afraid of It

“…That must have hurt. Did you put medicine on it?”

“Mm-hmm. It didn’t hurt that much.”

Jeongha’s hand carefully touched the area around the scratch. An unfamiliar heat spread from where his fingertips met Haeyoon’s skin.

Haeyoon bit his lip at the ambiguous sensation, a mix of ticklish and stinging.

Haeyoon wasn’t naive enough not to know what this tension meant when he and Jeongha touched this intimately. It was simply a sensation he knew all too well, so he pretended not to notice.

“I wish you weren’t hurt.”

Jeongha whispered.

“I wish that person, Seo Haeyoon, wasn’t in pain.”

The man who had once found Seo Haeyoon’s pain interesting had now become someone who desperately wished he wouldn’t get hurt in any way.

“…But if you do get hurt or sick, I hope you don’t hide it and tell me like you did just now.”

Jeongha probably couldn’t even imagine the passion he had felt when Haeyoon told him he’d hurt his arm a little.

Haeyoon’s act of willingly revealing a wound he could have hidden and ignored had utterly undone Jeongha. It was the reason he had come rushing here without a second thought.

When Jeongha’s hand, lingering near the wound, slid down his arm and finally held his hand, Haeyoon, who had been watching him as if entranced, finally snapped out of it and quickly pulled his arm away.

Lowering his arm and sitting up straight, looking ahead, the tips of Haeyoon’s ears were bright red.

“It’s late. Let’s… let’s go quickly.”
“Yeah. I’ll head off now.”

Pretending not to notice Seo Haeyoon’s turmoil, Jeongha calmly started the car.

For a castaway wandering alone in space, a distant, unknown light could be a source of fear and terror. It might be a rescue signal, but it could also be a destructive energy that could incinerate a person in an instant.

So he had to approach slowly, little by little, delicately. He had to show him that this light wasn’t one that would break him.

Barely suppressing the desire to devour Haeyoon right then and there, Jeongha drove through the dark night streets. For now, it was enough that Seo Haeyoon relied on him.

* * * *

“Ha…….”

Haeyoon, lying on his side in bed, let out a deep sigh and rolled over to the other side. It was a useless movement. No matter how he lay, something felt uncomfortable, and he couldn’t sleep.

He knew it had nothing to do with his sleeping position. It wasn’t his body that was uncomfortable; it was his mind.

_’I wish that person, Seo Haeyoon, wasn’t in pain.’*

Despite his efforts not to think of it, Baek Jeongha’s voice seeped into his ears through the early morning silence. The immense shock that had shaken his entire body and mind the moment he heard those words came rushing back as well.

_’…But if you do get hurt or sick, I hope you don’t hide it and tell me like you did just now.’*

In Haeyoon’s world now, no one knew his pain better than Baek Jeongha.

Jeongha had witnessed up close the weak, pathetic sides of him that he hadn’t even shown his closest friends.

No one wanted to see the bottom of another person. Even between close friends, carrying someone else’s pain is never easy.

So Haeyoon had thought that the more involved Jeongha became, the more likely he would lose interest and become disillusioned with the person Seo Haeyoon.

But Baek Jeongha hadn’t. On the contrary, he said it still wasn’t enough.

Now, Baek Jeongha cared about Haeyoon’s pain and wanted to be more deeply involved in his world.

It was a change in emotion that Haeyoon wasn’t entirely happy about. But there was a bigger problem. Haeyoon’s own feelings.

When he had unexpectedly encountered Baek Jeongha in front of the studio in the deep hours of the night, Haeyoon had honestly been happy.

While surprise and concern came first, there was also definitely joy and excitement beneath them.

In that moment, Haeyoon realized.

That even when he was talking to Jeongha on the phone, he had already been wanting to see him.

It was clear attraction. He could no longer deny it.

Haeyoon relied on Jeongha, was greatly influenced by him to the point of receiving inspiration from him, and, surprisingly, trusted him more than anyone else.

So Haeyoon was afraid. Where would these feelings lead? He was so scared he wanted to look away.

As he stared blankly into the darkness of the room, blinking, he closed his eyes tightly and suddenly recalled a day long ago, when he first met Jaeyeol.

The day with the beautiful piano melody and the dazzling, shattering sunlight.

It wasn’t nostalgia. Even the Oh Jaeyeol of that day didn’t feel particularly important right now. He just wanted to understand his own feelings.

When does the feeling of liking someone arise, and how? In what form does the sensation of falling for someone come? Feelings have no form, so how can we be certain of love?

When Haeyoon first met Jaeyeol, he felt destiny. He was certain that he would be the one person in his life. The day he first saw Jaeyeol was preserved in Haeyoon’s memory as the most special and beautiful moment, like a scene from a movie. For a very long time.

Jeongha was different. The moment they first met wasn’t special like destiny, wasn’t beautiful, and didn’t linger long in Haeyoon’s memory. He was cold and indifferent, and walked away without leaving any good impression.

But Oh Jaeyeol, who had been Haeyoon’s most special piece, betrayed him and shattered his heart in the most devastating way. The destiny and certainty Haeyoon had felt had now vanished without a trace.

So what about Baek Jeongha? What feelings, what meaning, would Baek Jeongha, whom he had met in an unremarkable moment as an unremarkable person, leave behind for Haeyoon?

Haeyoon was endlessly curious about these things, but at the same time, he wanted to run away, not wanting to know anything. He was afraid of both Baek Jeongha’s feelings and his own. Even if they felt romantic attraction towards each other, what would it mean?

Seo Haeyoon had loved Oh Jaeyeol as if by destiny. It had been an intense emotion. He had been certain that intensity would never fade until the day he died, and he had thought Jaeyeol’s love would be the same.

But look at him now. Love was so vain and futile. It was an emotion that could instantly render even the trust and faith built over so long meaningless.

That’s why Haeyoon didn’t want to fall in love with anyone again. He had somehow endured the first time, but if his barely healed heart took another blow, it might break beyond repair.

“…….”

Feeling suddenly like crying, Haeyoon bit his lip tightly and carefully wrapped his hand around the wound on his arm. The not-so-deep wound throbbed.

“One foolish act is enough.”

He had to steel his resolve. It had barely been any time since he was discarded by Oh Jaeyeol, and already he was feeling this way about someone else—he was disgusted with himself for being so stupid and pathetic. If someone laughed at him, he couldn’t blame them.

Haeyoon’s hand now squeezed the wound painfully. Though humans were creatures of forgetting, Haeyoon wanted to remember this pain. To remember it for a long time, so he wouldn’t repeat the same mistake.

If he was just going to get hurt and end up alone again someday, if he had to go through this painful experience again, it would be better not to start at all.

Haeyoon truly believed that.

* * * *

“Hey, hey, stop drinking. You’re already drunk.”

Minseok hurriedly grabbed Jaeyeol’s hand as he immediately refilled his empty glass and tried to drink it down, stopping him. He had been drinking nonstop without even touching the side dishes, and Minseok was starting to worry he might get into trouble.

“What’s going on? Talk to me.”

Minseok finally took the glass from Jaeyeol’s hand and asked. Calling someone out and acting like this without a word was frustrating for Minseok too. But Jaeyeol didn’t answer, just wiggled his fingers at Minseok as if demanding the glass back.

Annoyed, Minseok downed the poured drink himself and raised his voice.

“Oh Jaeyeol, are you kidding me? Do I look like your errand boy? What are you doing, calling me out and not saying anything?”

“Minseok….”

“Why have you been drinking so often lately? What’s wrong? Is something really going on?”

Beyond annoyance, Minseok was genuinely worried about Jaeyeol.

Though he had been somewhat disappointed by the recent situation with Haeyoon, Minseok had known Jaeyeol the longest among his friends.

They had many memories and he had received much help from him.

What happened with Haeyoon was unfortunate, but it was done, and Minseok sincerely hoped both Jaeyeol and Haeyoon would find happiness in their own paths.

But seeing his friend, who should be happily immersed in his newlywed life, acting like a dead man and drinking at every chance, he couldn’t help but worry.

“Minseok….”

Jaeyeol, who had been beating around the bush, finally spoke.

“Yeah. Let’s hear it.”

“It’s about Seo Haeyoon….”

However, Minseok’s resolve to listen to whatever his friend had to say shattered completely at the name that came from Jaeyeol’s mouth.

Minseok’s face, asking “Who?” twisted in displeasure.

Ignoring him, Jaeyeol continued, not even looking at Minseok, his gaze fixed vaguely on the table.

“Haeyoon….”

“…….”

“If I went back to Haeyoon… do you think he would take me back?”

“…What?”