The Bitter Taste of First Love

When a bunch of people gather to drink and make merry, they usually split into two groups in the end: those who know their limit and drink in moderation, and those who chug glasses like there’s no tomorrow. Today, I belonged to the latter.

“Hey, give me just one more drink.”

Even with blurry eyes, I somehow managed to pick up my glass. But no generous soul was charitable enough to bestow alcohol upon a guy who was already completely plastered.

“Stop drinking, man. You’re totally wasted.”

I knew it too. Even without squinting, objects in front of me were distorted into two or three images, and just hearing the slurred words slipping from my mouth was enough to tell me I was dead drunk. Having knocked back two bottles of soju by myself and continuing to drink after that, there was no way I could stay sober.

I didn’t plan for it to end up like this from the beginning. Sure enough, when I left the house, I was in a pretty good mood. I was excited to see the fresh faces of new students and to mingle with my department peers over a drink after so long.

And yet…

Because of someone who showed up completely unexpectedly, everything went wrong. Even as I clinked glasses boisterously and drank, my eyes kept wandering to one specific spot before I knew it.

Han Jaewon was sitting over there. Every time I saw him chatting with the person next to him or tilting his glass with a casual smile, something welled up from deep inside me.

‘…ing.’

‘…Disgusting.’

f*ck, disgusting.

From the moment I recalled those eyes that didn’t even bother to hide their contempt, I started spiraling like a wild horse. I chugged glass after glass of overflowing soju, and my clueless friends, saying they’d let it slide just this once since I was freshly discharged, generously kept refilling my glass.

The result, naturally, was total drunkenness. My legs gave out so much that I couldn’t even stand properly, so two of my friends supported me from both sides like an injured patient and pulled me up.

“What do we do with this guy? Doesn’t he live far away?”

“Hand him over to me. I’ll take him.”

“Alright. Taejin, thanks for taking the hit.”

Without even realizing that conversations were passing right above my head, I stared forward with a hazy gaze. For a moment, I caught sight of something and gritted my teeth.

As if a special video filter had been applied, everything in the surroundings was blurry except for one person’s face, which stood out as crystal clear as a drawing. It was Han Jaewon, standing under a streetlight with both hands loosely shoved inside the pockets of his shearling jacket.

‘…f*cking bastard. Dog, hic, dog bastard.’

My insides boiled like lava as anger surged within me. Keeping my eyes fixed on that unlucky face, I shook off my friends’ arms holding me and began stumbling forward.

“Hey, No Jiwon! Where are you going?”

“…Let go of me.”

Repeatedly shaking off Taejin, who rushed to grab me, I kept staggering forward.

It was right then. Han Jaewon, who had been looking down at some girls talking to him in front, suddenly turned his head toward me.

“…”

The moment our eyes met, my slightly parted lips trembled pitifully. A white puff of breath appeared for a second before vanishing into thin air without a trace.

Han Jaewon’s face was expressionless. The moment past memories overlapped with that gaze—looking at me like a cow looking at a chicken—I felt something snap in my head.

All that remained was rage and raw instinct. Clenching my fists, I charged straight at the guy standing still like a totem pole.

“Eek!”

“Jiwon-sunbae?”

“Hey, you f*cking bastard!”

With my slurred voice, shouting those words like an enraged fighting bull locking eyes on a single target was just an added bonus.

The taste of first love is bittersweet.

If only it had been just sweet. No, in reality, all I had tasted was sweetness. It was smooth like chocolate, melting softly like cotton candy, a sweet and heart-fluttering love that made my tongue throb. I could have enjoyed it much longer… if it hadn’t been shattered in an instant by the bastard who dropped a bomb on us.

The sky that day was unusually high and blue. Even though it was September and still warm, it was nothing compared to the peak of summer, and a delightfully cool breeze blew past every now and then. It was also the last day of midterm exams. Leaving the cafeteria after lunch, my steps were lighter than ever.

Maybe because it was the last day of exams, the lunch menu featured only foods I loved, like sweet and spicy fried chicken and spaghetti. The results were great when I cross-checked my test answers with the top students, and with shortened classes, all that was left was to go home early for a change.

It was a lucky day that happened only once or twice a year. Humming a tune as I went up the stairs, my phone vibrated in my pants pocket. A bright smile spread across my face. I saw a text sent by Haejoon-sunbae.

[ Do you want to meet up for a second? ]

Checking the text, I immediately sprinted back down the stairs. “Hey, where are you going?” my friends shouted behind me, but I didn’t care. Heading outside, my feet unhesitatingly made their way toward the old school building, which was set for demolition during the break.

Even though I rushed as fast as I could, Kang Haejoon was already there first. For a moment, I paused and froze in my tracks. Leaning his back against the exterior wall of the building, Kang Haejoon was looking down, showing off his long eyelashes.

A neat forehead, a sharp and towering nose bridge, and nicely closed lips. Every single element that made him up made me feel a tingling sensation, as if my heart was being gently stroked. It was a cliché expression, but his melancholic, handsome side profile was truly like a painting.

Sensing my presence, he turned his head. The moment I saw his lips subtly curl up, I snapped back to reality as if waking from a dream. Only then did I run over again and stop right in front of him, panting heavily as I called out, “Sunbae.” A voice as smooth as his smile reached my ears.

‘Did you run? You could have taken your time.’

‘No. I’m sorry for making you wait, sunbae.’

Haejoon smiled a bit wider. Without realizing it, I stood frozen with my mouth slightly agape, staring at him. My heart pounded wildly as if someone else was controlling it.

The first time I saw Kang Haejoon was in the spring when I was seventeen, at the student council room. Having easily won the class president title thanks to my great social skills and persuasive speeches, I automatically became a student council member and joined the school-wide meeting for the first time to meet the other officers.

Kang Haejoon was there. The moment I saw him introducing himself as the school vice president, I felt a bell chime—ding—inside my head.

A tall stature, a handsome face, and a smooth yet captivating voice. Even in a place where only the top talents of the school were gathered, Kang Haejoon was a standout among peers. He had a refreshing yet bold personality, backed by appropriate drive and leadership.

To the point where I thought if the word ‘perfection’ were to take human form, it would be him—Kang Haejoon was perfection itself in my eyes. Naturally, I couldn’t help but be helplessly drawn to him. It would be stranger not to be enchanted by someone who met every condition of my ideal type.

But that was all. Unless the world was going to end tomorrow or heaven and earth were to invert, there was no way I would ever reveal my feelings to Kang Haejoon.

I was a realist. On the outside, I was cheerful with plenty of friends, seemingly getting along with everyone without a care, but due to the environment I grew up in, I was actually sensitive to small changes and quick on the draw.

Having great self-awareness, I realized my sexual orientation early on. The first time I vaguely recognized it was in my first year of middle school. I didn’t know it back then, but looking back, my heart strangely fluttered every time I looked at a handsome classmate who was unusually well-developed for his age, and that was the starting point.

Before long, as I clearly identified the nature of those emotions, I spent days of confusion and turmoil that I couldn’t share with anyone. Even amid all that, there was something I realized almost instinctively. To have a peaceful school life and to avoid losing my friends, I must never—absolutely never—speak the truth out loud: the fact that I felt sexual attraction toward another guy.

The miracle came silently, like a spring day. One day, while continuing my one-sided crush with my feelings tucked deep inside, treating the wonderful senior merely as an admiring junior, the unbelievable happened.

May, as the days gradually grew warmer. It was around the time I was clocking into the student council room every day instead of attending late-night self-study sessions to prepare for the school festival. As others left one by one for academies or tutoring, there came a day when only Kang Haejoon and I were left. Hiding my trembling heart, I babbled about this and that as usual, and Kang Haejoon listened attentively to my stories with a soft smile.

That was when we reached the front of the school gate side by side. Pausing his steps briefly, Kang Haejoon turned to face me.

‘Jiwon.’

‘Yes, sunbae.’

‘I have something to tell you.’

I looked up at him with a question mark in my mind. The words that flowed from his lips a moment later—as he stroked the back of his neck shyly while meeting my eyes—were a confession I hadn’t dared to imagine even in my dreams.

‘I think I like you. I felt like you felt the same way… If I’m not mistaken, do you want to date?’

That was how I started the very first relationship of my life. Dating Kang Haejoon came with a far greater meaning than a simple romance. By loving him, I felt that the part of my heart that always felt lacking was completely filled, and by being loved by him, I felt that I too was a shining, valuable person just like Kang Haejoon. First love, which came like the first snowfall, was nothing short of my entire world itself.