The Assassin’s Misadventures with a Corpse

My name is Lu Ren. I am an assassin. I possess no emotions, hardly any money, and certainly no friends.

At this very moment, I’m lugging a massive basket. To be frank, I’ve committed a grave error: I’ve slain the Hero. Her corpse is currently inside this basket, and I’m about to…

“What? How do you know I’m about to bury the Hero’s corpse near Newbie Village? Oh, right, it’s in the title! I hadn’t noticed!”

It was a dark and stormy noon—no, wait, it was a bright and sunny noon. Hold on, noon…

‘Am I an absolute idiot coming to bury a hero’s body at noon?’

Fortunately, the farmers were busy tilling their fields, oblivious to my clandestine activities.

“Hey, Lu Ren, what’s in that basket you’re carrying?” An older farmer, his face alight with a kindly smile, suddenly appeared.

His skin was tanned a deep bronze, his face etched with wrinkles, and he appeared somewhat frail. He exuded the air of an honest man who’d perhaps been cuckolded by Old Wang next door…

‘Bah, why am I describing him in such detail? It’s as if I don’t even know him. This very farmer, the one cuckolded by Old Wang, is none other than the esteemed Village Chief of Newbie Village. (So he really was cuckolded…)’

‘Why on earth did I have to cross the farmlands? And now the Village Chief has seen me! How am I supposed to answer him now?’

After racking my brain, I finally blurted out a response.

“I’m carrying… a dead wild boar!”

“A dead wild boar? Have you been stealing work from the hunters again?”

“That’s right.”

“You! An assassin who won’t properly do his job, instead learning to hunt. How much for this wild boar? We have guests arriving at Newbie Village tonight, and I was planning to buy some meat to entertain them.”

“I’m not selling! Thank you…”

I hastily skirted around him.

“Hey! You’re not going to make money? Whatever they offer, I, the Village Chief, will pay double!”

‘Double, double!’ For some inexplicable reason, my poverty-stricken mind instantly exploded with calculations! A boar’s market price was 100 gold, so double would be 200 gold—enough to cover two months of rent!

‘No, I must resist! Resist! When has Lu Ren ever sacrificed his dignity for money? Although, concealing a crime has absolutely nothing to do with dignity.’

“A wild boar’s market price is 100 gold! Double that would be 2,000 gold! Can you afford that?!”

“I can afford it, huh?! Wait, how did it multiply by twenty times?!” the Chief sputtered.

“Because my math isn’t great, so that’s the price!” I turned, giving him a disdainful smile. “Well? Still buying, Village Chief?”

“Hmph, no thanks, you sly profiteer!” The Village Chief rolled his eyes and went back to his fieldwork.

‘Problem solved! I’m telling you, sometimes, when dealing with people, you don’t need to be reasonable! You have to fight for your own interests to the very end, though, again, this has nothing to do with concealing a crime.’

Now, I decided to head to the forest behind Newbie Village to bury the corpse. The direct route was simple enough, but to avoid the forest guards, I would have to take a long detour.

What, you think I’m afraid of the corpse being discovered? What a joke! What does a penniless wretch like me have to fear? At worst, I’d be found out, and then I’d just flee! It’s just… well… entering the forest directly through the main entrance requires a toll of 1 gold… 1 gold! That’s enough for a day’s worth of food! I’d much rather take a roundabout path to another entrance!

And so…

“Driver, take me there! A detour to Newbie Village Forest!” I swiftly flagged down an unknown carriage.

“Ten silver coins,” the driver had initially stated…

However, upon reaching our destination…

“Huh? Ten silver? Dream on! It’s two gold!” the driver sneered.

‘Damn it, I’ve fallen into a black cab trap!’

“What the hell, are you robbing me?!” I yelled.

“What’s the matter?” The driver stroked his beard. “I’ve seen plenty of people like you, taking detours to bury bodies, you know! Next time, remember not to carry a big basket! It’s too conspicuous! At least dismember it and put it in a sack, understood?!”

“Ah-ha… Mr. Driver, you…”

I adopted an expression of sudden enlightenment.

Seeing this, the driver flashed a sinister smile.

“That’s right, I am the legendary Dark Assassin—the Dismembering Fiend! I never expected you to uncover my identity! Since fate has brought us together, this ‘Assassin’s Manual,’ originally a priceless treasure, I’ll sell to you for just ten gold!”

‘Ah-ha? I didn’t see anything at all! What kind of ghost assassin are you, and why should I care? And what the hell is with trying to peddle a book to me?’

“Ah, no, what I meant to say, Mr. Driver, is that you’re an idiot, right? If you dismember it and put it in a sack, won’t it be all bloody… and drip everywhere?!”

The driver froze, his eyes widening as if he’d just discovered a treasure chest, fixated on me!

“Precisely! Great hero! Truly a kindred spirit! To so effortlessly expose the flaw in my words, I, the Dismembering Fiend, am impressed! How about I give you a twenty percent discount on this book now, for twenty gold?”

The driver was speaking to me with such earnestness. Facing someone like this, I…

‘I truly…’

‘I was simply too moved!’

“I can’t believe someone actually called me a ‘great hero’! No one has ever called me that my entire life!” [Hey! Isn’t your focus a bit off-kilter?!]

“Great hero! Indeed! Although you’ve taken a life, I know you’re an upright and good young man. You must have been forced to kill this person, right?!”

“Yes, it was unavoidable, sob sob!”

‘He was actually so sympathetic towards me that I was bubbling with emotion! Tears and snot instantly streamed down my face!’

“Oh my, a tough man shedding tears. It must have struck a raw nerve. Given your pitiful state, I’ll sell you this book for thirty gold. No more discounts!”

“Alright!”

I agreed without hesitation, though I wasn’t entirely sure what had just transpired… I just had a nagging feeling that I’d been fleeced somehow.

After disembarking, I stood there for a moment, contemplating life. I still felt a certain bewilderment when it came to murder and crime…

However, recalling the life motto the driver had supposedly uttered—[If I don’t descend into hell, who will?!] (He never said that at all!)—I mustered my courage, steeled my resolve, and decided to see this wicked deed through to the end!

Confidently, I shoved my hands into my pockets.

‘Hmm? Why is there an extra book in my pocket? And why am I missing thirty-two gold coins?’

‘That’s odd, I definitely had them before getting into the carriage? Seriously, could I have lost them?’

Ah! Never mind, time for the main event!

The detour route went like this: behind the forest was actually a hundred-meter-tall low mountain, so there wouldn’t be any guards. All I had to do was use my hands (don’t I have any climbing tools?), slowly scale it (easier said than done…), and then climb back down. Be warned, this area was a den of fierce beasts, so I needed to carefully circumvent one cave after another, then head towards the center of the forest. And another warning! Ahead lay the territory of the Forest Lord. See that sacred pond and the lush trees surrounding it? Whatever you do, do not engage in any environmentally destructive acts. For instance, me—I, without a second thought, peed into that pond. That is an absolute taboo! I heard the last mage who urinated there went to meet the great god Sein.

“Who dares defile my territory here?!” A colossal voice echoed through the forest.

‘Hear that? That guy’s angry. Who knows what heinous act some beast committed? Thinking this, to avoid trouble, I immediately pulled up my pants and scrammed.’

Fortunately, as an assassin, my legwork was exceptional, and I ran incredibly fast. In no time, I reached the small beast gathering area, which was relatively safer; aside from being bitten by a snake and dying, generally nothing else would happen.

“Hiss, hiss,” a snake watched me intently from a tree branch.

‘What? I just mentioned it, and there really is a snake? Hmph, go ahead and bite me if you dare! I don’t believe you can do anything to me.’

“Crunch!” Holy hell, that snake bit my pinky finger in an instant! I shook it vigorously to dislodge it! Fortunately, this particular venomous snake didn’t look poisonous, I… wait, it’s still a venomous snake! Dammit! I’ve been bitten by a husky! There’s no way around it; snake venom is no joke, delaying treatment would be fatal…

I had no choice but to endure the excruciating pain of the venom and run all the way back to the forest entrance to find a guard…

“Mr. Guard, I’ve been bitten by a venomous snake!”

“How could you be so careless! Eh? Did you just enter the forest? Did you pay the toll?”

‘Heh, as a complete scoundrel, there was no way I’d admit it!’

“I didn’t pay…”

“The antidote, along with the toll, will be three gold coins,” the guard said bluntly.

‘I… as a scoundrel assassin… still paid…’

‘Spending three gold coins for a life—no matter how I looked at it, it was a guaranteed loss! But it’s fine; just thinking about what the driver had supposedly said—[As long as you’re optimistic, there’s nothing you can’t do!] (He never said that at all!)—I felt greatly encouraged! I had the motivation to live on again!’

Onward I went!

Before I knew it, I had arrived at my destination—the mass grave in the forest, which was only a few hundred steps from the forest entrance. Pretty close, right? Isn’t it? [So why did you take such a long detour?!]

“Hey, buddy! What are you doing here?!” An uncle carrying a shovel approached.

‘I knew this person too. He was the village blacksmith, usually fond of odd jobs. I never expected him to be here helping to dig graves today.’

“Uncle, I’m here to bury someone too!”

“Burying someone, eh? Have you bought a plot? You can’t just bury people wherever you like here.”

“Huh? But this is a mass grave, Uncle.”

“I said if you want to bury someone, you have to buy a plot! Ten gold!”

Considering how long I’d known him, I chose not to argue. I quietly put away the poisoned dagger in my pocket and handed over ten gold coins.

‘Though I had no idea why the Blacksmith Uncle grinned maliciously and ran off after getting the ten gold…’

Well, after all that fuss, it was finally evening—the perfect time to dig a grave!

I retrieved a shovel from the basket and began digging with great effort.

I kept digging until nightfall, and under the moonlight, I finally had a suitably sized pit.

“Alright, dead pig, let me bury you.”

With that, I pulled the ‘dead pig’ from the basket, tossed it into the pit, and covered it up.

Ah… Finally, after enduring countless hardships, I had successfully buried the ‘dead pig’s’ corpse. What a joyous occasion! I, too, had brought my day of villainy to a close.

It was already early morning by the time I arrived home. Everyone in Newbie Village was asleep; not a single soul noticed me.

“Phew~” I wiped the sweat from my brow, set down the empty basket, and went to the backyard, intending to properly store the wild boar’s corpse I’d caught yesterday in a trap on the plains, ready to sell tomorrow.

But then…

‘Holy hell! Didn’t I just bury the Hero’s corpse? That’s so strange! Why is she still at my house?!’