A Void in the Heart

Lin Yu was, in fact, aware when Jiang Yan opened the door, creating a faint sound. He simply felt a heavy lethargy and no desire to move. His sleep quality had been poor for a long time; ever since he became involved with Cai Xinyu, the prolonged emotional suppression had gradually led him to suffer from severe neurasthenia. He found it difficult to fall asleep, woke easily, and even the slightest disturbance would keep him awake. It was only when he occasionally fainted that he would know nothing at all. Unless Lin Yu engaged in strenuous activity or experienced extreme emotional swings, he wouldn’t typically faint without warning. Insufficient blood supply mostly occurred during the hot, high-pressure summer months, with other seasons rarely presenting any issues. He listened to the subtle sounds of several people carefully arranging items in the room, then opened his swollen eyes, observing those who were busy. Soon, he noticed the gauze wrapped around the back of Jiang Yan’s hand, and on the table before him, a cat cage. Inside, a clean, small white kitten stared with wide, wary eyes at the people in the room, huddled tightly in a corner. ‘This cat…’

Lin Yu scrutinized it closely. Wasn’t this the very cat he had seen outside his hospital room window? His sharp mind immediately connected the dots: Jiang Yan had gone to catch the cat for him and had gotten injured in the process.

A surge of indescribable emotion welled up within him, far more profound than mere gratitude. Even feeling overwhelmed couldn’t fully express the depth of Jiang Yan’s actions towards him.

Lin Yu slowly sat up from the sofa, clutching the damp cushion, and stared blankly at the busy Jiang Yan. He muttered a silent apology in his heart. ‘If I hadn’t liked this kitten, Jiang Yan wouldn’t have gone to catch it, nor would he have been injured.’

“Mr. Jiang,” a bodyguard quickly reported upon noticing Lin Yu sitting up.

Jiang Yan turned, and their gazes met. Lin Yu hastily lowered his head, his eyes blurring with tears in an instant.

After three years with Cai Xinyu, he seemed to have forgotten what it was like to live without constant scolding and belittlement. Jiang Yan’s actions made him feel utterly unworthy. He was restless, torn between gratitude and a fierce resolve to refuse. He couldn’t become a burden to Jiang Yan; with no ties or reason, he couldn’t accept such kindness.

He struggled to stifle his tears. When he was alone, he could secretly think of his grandmother and cry. But as a true man, he couldn’t cry in front of others for any reason.

“Awake, Little Peach?” Jiang Yan brought the cat cage over to him. “Give him a name; it’s a boy. He’s been dewormed and vaccinated. This little fellow, like you, is a bit malnourished, but otherwise, he’s fine and safe to care for.” He finished in a gentle tone, then sat beside Lin Yu and pressed, “Do you like him? Say you’re happy, let me hear it. Aren’t you going to thank me?”

Lin Yu shuffled further down the sofa. He felt so defiled, he didn’t want to contaminate Jiang Yan.

“What’s ‘Little Peach’?” Lin Yu’s eyes never left the small white cat in the cage. His dull, weary eyes held a faint, unspoken joy. “How did you know I wanted it? Thank you.”

Jiang Yan smiled contentedly, teasingly remarking, “Your eyes look a lot like Little Peach’s right now — red and swollen.”

Realizing Jiang Yan was teasing him, Lin Yu nervously ran his fingers through his hair, trying to cover his eyes, feeling very self-conscious.

“Does it hurt?” Lin Yu’s gaze drifted from the kitten to Jiang Yan’s bandaged hand. “I’m sorry.” He was deeply remorseful.

“Sorry for what?” Jiang Yan, naturally understanding Lin Yu’s meaning, waved his hand dismissively, unconcerned. “I willingly went to catch the cat; it wasn’t like you held a gun to my head. Why should you apologize to me?” He then made a ‘gun’ hand gesture and pointed it at the kitten. “You! Apologize to me right now. Look at the beautiful owner I found for you; you’re lucky.”

“I…” Lin Yu picked at his fingernails, shaking his head. “I can’t keep him.”

“Why not?” Jiang Yan asked, curious.

“I…” ‘I’m someone who plans to work for Jiang Yan for a few months, repay his medical expenses, and then go reunite with my grandmother. How can I promise a lifetime to a kitten?’ He didn’t want to explain, so he lowered his head in silence.

Jiang Yan quickly surmised that Lin Yu was likely worried about not having a stable home or a job to maintain financial stability. So, he shifted the topic, asking gently, “Well then, how about this: I’ll keep the kitten in the villa to catch mice, and while you’re looking after the house, you’ll also be its temporary litter-scooper. As for salary…”

“No salary,” Lin Yu looked up at him. “I’ll take good care of him.” He was very willing to do this job. After speaking, he looked at the kitten, a touch of childlike eagerness in his eyes. His tentative joy made Jiang Yan’s heart ache to see. Lin Yu’s emotions were so tightly wound, his demeanor so trembling; it was clear he had endured countless torments to develop such a nervous disposition.

“The kitten is a bit stressed,” Jiang Yan said. “The vet suggested keeping him in the cage for now and slowly building a bond.”

“Understood,” Lin Yu nodded. “His leg?”

“It was deliberately inflicted, but the wound isn’t deep,” Jiang Yan explained. “Based on the angle of the cut, the doctor suspects someone threw a sharp small knife from a distance and injured him. It’s not a big issue; the infected part has been cleaned and treated. He just needs regular check-ups and dressing changes.” Jiang Yan glanced at Lin Yu as he spoke; Lin Yu’s body bore many scars, horrifying to behold. He desperately wanted to ask if those wounds were self-inflicted and why he would hurt himself. But out of respect for Lin Yu’s dignity, he could only pretend not to know.

As they spoke, the small living room of the patient ward was modestly furnished by the bodyguards. Dusk had already settled in the late autumn, and the world outside the window was a hazy gray.

“Draw the curtains, let’s create an atmosphere,” Jiang Yan waved the bodyguards out and rose, walking towards the window. Once the light was blocked, Lin Yu, engulfed by darkness, seemed to relax considerably. He preferred being alone in dark places, imagining himself as part of the darkness, unseen and unheard, existing silently – only then did he feel safe.

Yet, before he could fully relax, gentle, non-dazzling string lights flickered on in the living room, causing him to tighten his guard once more.

Jiang Yan unwrapped a small gift box on the table, revealing a charming four-inch, adorable white snake-shaped cake. Then he opened several larger boxes nearby, taking out a ten-inch cartoon white snake-themed cake. Lin Yu was twenty-one this year, with a November birthday, born in the year of the snake.

“Buy one get one free, want to light the birthday candles yourself?” Jiang Yan smiled. “I didn’t order too big a cake; I thought this should be enough.” He handed Lin Yu the candles shaped like the numbers ‘2’ and ‘1’. “Make a wish.”

Lin Yu’s expression grew even dimmer, and a sudden shift in his mood was evident. He didn’t reach out, his eyes welling up with an unbearable ache. In previous years, his grandmother would cook him a bowl of noodles for his birthday, spending money she had saved all year, money she was reluctant to use for herself, yet generously used to buy him meat, filling his bowl to the brim. She herself wouldn’t eat a single bite, claiming she didn’t like meat. Only as an adult did Lin Yu realize his grandmother had told many lies to ensure he ate the best things she could afford. His grandmother had ‘disliked’ so many things – more than Lin Yu could bear. Lin Yu felt a painful lump in his throat, and his eyes swelled. He hadn’t yet properly repaid his grandmother’s kindness, and thinking of these things, Lin Yu could no longer hold back his tears.

His emotional state was highly abnormal.

“Wishes never come true,” Lin Yu shook his head. “Wishes don’t come true.” ‘Would it be useful to pray to the cake to bring my grandmother back to life? No, it wouldn’t.’ “I don’t want to celebrate birthdays anymore,” his voice trembled slightly as he repeated to Jiang Yan, “I’ll never celebrate another birthday.”

He suddenly sprang to his feet, snatched the candles Jiang Yan offered, snapped them in half, and then bolted towards the door. He missed his grandmother so much, a searing ache in his heart. Lin Yu tried to suppress his emotions several times, but they were too overwhelming, crashing against him relentlessly.

“Lin Yu!”

Jiang Yan quickly placed the cake on the table and took a few long strides to grab the person who had suddenly lost control. “I’m sorry,” he quickly apologized. He had overlooked many problems. He had unilaterally decided to celebrate Lin Yu’s birthday, hoping to make up for past regrets, without considering other factors. When Lin Yu was unconscious, he would often mumble a single syllable, which sounded like ‘grandmother’. And when he told the nurse that Lin Yu had no family members present, Jiang Yan had assumed Lin Yu’s relatives simply weren’t in H City and that he was working hard on his own. But now, mulling it over, Lin Yu cried out for his grandmother every time he slept, so heartbroken. Could it be that his only relative had passed away? Jiang Yan felt a sudden tightness in his scalp. ‘What a terrible thing he had done!’ Perhaps his grandmother had passed away recently, which was why Lin Yu was so resistant to birthdays. It was akin to adding salt to a wound, a truly cruel act. ‘Damn it!’ He was filled with self-reproach.

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” Jiang Yan said, clutching Lin Yu tightly and placating him. “I’ll turn on the light, and we’ll go back to the bedroom. We won’t stay here; you need to calm down.” He couldn’t let Lin Yu be continuously triggered in this environment.

The frail Lin Yu was no match for the healthy and robust Jiang Yan. He was almost half-dragged, half-carried, and forcibly returned to the patient room’s bedroom.

The hospital founded by Wang Jian’s father was quite extensive, essentially a semi-retirement-style medical facility. It primarily catered to affluent individuals, providing them a haven for recuperation. Thus, it offered home-style patient rooms ranging from thirty to ninety square meters. Although the hospitalization fees were not inexpensive, many wealthy patients were willing to come. Even after recovering, they often enjoyed staying longer in the beautifully ambient medical institution.

Due to Jiang Yan’s sensitive identity, which made public exposure difficult, Wang Jian had specially selected a ward area for him that featured a private courtyard and was isolated from other home-style rooms. So, as he pressed Lin Yu onto the bed, preventing him from moving, the thought of this private ward with its own courtyard suddenly gave him the illusion of, ‘Cry out all you want, no one will come to save you.’ He truly had been acting too much; he could project anything. Mostly, the child’s heartbreaking gaze made Jiang Yan unconsciously slip into character.

“Let go of me,” Lin Yu’s struggle was filled with pleading desperation.

“No,” Jiang Yan refused. “When you run off like that, I feel a void in my heart.” It was a very real sensation, and he didn’t shy away from expressing it directly, an emotion he couldn’t quite comprehend.

Lin Yu paused in bewilderment, slowly lifted his eyelids, and glanced at Jiang Yan. The bedroom curtains hadn’t been drawn. Although dusk had fallen outside, the streetlights hadn’t yet flickered on, so Jiang Yan’s face, apart from its silhouette, remained somewhat blurred. That single phrase, ‘a void in my heart,’ caught Lin Yu off guard. Why would his departure cause Jiang Yan to feel a void?

“Strange, isn’t it?” Jiang Yan looked at the confused person who was still twisting to break free, and said self-deprecatingly, “In all my life, this is the first time I’ve experienced such… an emotion that I completely cannot control or predict. Lin Yu, you are a very mysterious presence to me.” He began repeatedly questioning himself in his mind: had he fallen in love at first sight with this poor soul? If so, he would unhesitatingly pursue him. If not, he would absolutely not cause Lin Yu any emotional distress. Unfortunately, so far, after just a few days of acquaintance, he couldn’t give himself a definitive answer.

“I don’t want to exist,” Lin Yu couldn’t offer Jiang Yan a response; he could only express his own thoughts. He stated it powerlessly yet clearly and firmly. Lin Yu only wanted to end his brief and sorrowful life. He gave up; he couldn’t break free from Jiang Yan’s束縛.

“I’m sorry, I lost my temper again,” Lin Yu said lifelessly, staring at the ceiling, as if he were already a corpse. Boundless sorrow permeated the air.

“No need to apologize,” Jiang Yan said, seeing him calm down. He slowly released his grip, his face etched with self-reproach. “It was my recklessness; I triggered you.”

“I want to shower, I feel so dirty.” Lin Yu didn’t want to dwell on what had happened. His voice was faint; the recent struggle had exhausted his already fragile body.

“Hmm… you can, but you have to leave the door open and stay within my line of sight.” Jiang Yan was worried about his physical endurance on one hand, and on the other, he was also wary of him attempting suicide inside.

A slow resistance crept onto Lin Yu’s pale face.

“I have no sordid intentions towards you,” Jiang Yan said, “We’re all men; who hasn’t skinny-dipped in rivers or been to public bathhouses? What’s there to be afraid of?” Jiang Yan truly had no ill intentions, even though his sexual orientation was male.

Lin Yu shook his head, assuring him, “My grandmother always said that a person should have principles and be responsible. If I were to commit suicide in a hospital room, it would reflect poorly on the hospital. If I’m going to die, I need to find a place where I won’t affect anyone…”

“Lin Yu…” Jiang Yan was astonished by his intelligence; without saying a word, he knew what Jiang Yan’s concern was. He didn’t want to hear Lin Yu mention suicide in such a casual manner. Life is precious; even his own life should not be so lightly regarded.

“I trust you. Go wash,” Jiang Yan said. He felt an immense weight settle upon him, making him deeply uncomfortable. All his emotions were completely swayed by the sensible yet frail Lin Yu before him. He couldn’t pull them back.