The One He Could Never Let Go Of

“Seonwoo-yah. How many times do I have to say it for you to understand? I have no intention of meeting you, not even by mistake.”

Even though he had heard this rejection many times before, he never got used to the sharpness of his words.

Having found Jeongha’s address on his own and waiting in front of it, Seonwoo frantically grabbed the arm of Jeongha, who was trying to pass him by and go inside.
He knew this behavior constituted stalking, but what else could he do?
If he didn’t do this, Baek Jeongha wouldn’t meet him.

‘I’ll be good, Jeongha-yah. Can’t you give me just one chance? What exactly is it about me that you dislike?!’

Furious, resentful, and humiliated, yet unable to give up, Seonwoo finally yelled desperately.
Just tell him how he could be accepted, and he’d do anything.
He could even offer up his liver and gallbladder.
But Baek Jeongha just said he disliked Ahn Seonwoo and never told him how to win his heart.

‘Ahn Seonwoo. I really didn’t want to say this, but…’
Jeongha pulled his arm free from Seonwoo’s grip with an annoyed expression and spoke.
It was a low, cold, sharp voice.

‘I’d rather…!’
“Huff!”
And before Baek Jeongha could finish his sentence, Seonwoo woke up from his sleep with a start.

Panting and looking around, it took Seonwoo a while to realize he had dozed off after dinner and had been dreaming a nightmare of the past.

“I’m going crazy…”
A sense of futility washed over him.
Despite so much time having passed, despite now meeting someone new and even being on the verge of marriage, he was still unable to break free from Baek Jeongha.
It was maddening.

“……”
What was even sadder was the fact that Ahn Seonwoo himself knew all too well the reason he still hadn’t gotten over him.

Why couldn’t he forget him even now?
Seonwoo was a person with strong pride.
No matter how great an Alpha was, the moment they acted high and mighty in front of him, they were out.
But Baek Jeongha was the only one who, despite so cruelly ignoring Seonwoo and trampling on his feelings, still remained in his heart.

Feeling this desperate, with a heart that refuses to give up like this, Seonwoo still couldn’t believe that he and Jeongha weren’t meant to be.

Sitting dazed for a long time, wandering the boundary between dream and past, Seonwoo soon picked up his phone lying beside him and, out of habit, searched for one number that still remained.

[Baek Jeongha]
Seonwoo still had his number.

“What is this…”
Muttering self-deprecatingly was useless.
Seonwoo wouldn’t be able to delete Baek Jeongha’s number today either.
He thought he could forget once the marriage was decided.
Strangely, since the serious wedding preparations began, thoughts of Jeongha had become even more frequent.
Was it because everyone’s mind gets restless before marriage?

Of course, Seonwoo knew that was also an excuse.
Marriage or not, Seonwoo had rarely been free from Baek Jeongha.

“This is the last time. Now it’s really the last time.”
Yet, he had been really good at resisting the urge to contact him.
Perhaps it was all because of the wedding.
Maybe he was just taking a small step back to truly move forward now.
Repeating excuses that may or may not be true, Seonwoo moved his finger over the screen.

The truth was, he missed Baek Jeongha so much that even nightmares were welcome.

* * * *

“This is really interesting…”
Returning home and finishing his shower, a faint smile appeared at the corner of Jeongha’s mouth as he checked his phone.
A message had arrived while he was showering, and he had hoped, perhaps, that Haeyoon had sent it.
Logically, he knew it was unlikely, but he thought maybe Haeyoon’s mind had changed unexpectedly quickly.

However, the sender of the message was, in some ways, an even more unexpected person than Seo Haeyoon.
No, perhaps too predictable?

“Ahn Seonwoo…”
Jeongha spoke that name for the first time in a very long while.
It was a name he hadn’t even allowed himself to think about for some time.
The message content was simple.

[Jeongha-yah, how are you?]
A typical ‘2 AM sentiment’ text from an ex-lover.
For a message from a groom-to-be on the eve of his wedding, it was rather melancholic.
The few short words dripped with obvious lingering attachment that anyone could see.
What’s more, Baek Jeongha wasn’t even Ahn Seonwoo’s ‘ex-lover.’

Goosebumps ran down his spine.
Not because of anything else, but because the timing was just too uncanny.
Of all days, why would he contact him today, the very day he met Seo Haeyoon using Ahn Seonwoo as a pretext?
Was some cosmic force cheering on Seo Haeyoon’s revenge?

Having such a pointless thought, he remembered Seo Haeyoon’s misstep, saying Ahn Seonwoo wouldn’t care whether they dated or not, and Jeongha smiled again.
As if someone like him wouldn’t care.

Jeongha, without properly drying his wet hair, leaned back deeply into the sofa.
How should he reply to hook the other person without being too obvious, yet not letting them completely break free?
Honestly, this wasn’t the first time Ahn Seonwoo had contacted him like this.
He had stopped showing up and clinging at all hours like he used to during the peak of his pursuit, but even afterwards, Seonwoo had called and messaged Jeongha several times, day and night.

Jeongha’s response was solely to ignore.
He didn’t answer calls or reply to messages.
The reason he hadn’t blocked him wasn’t special; he just didn’t want to put in that much effort for Ahn Seonwoo.
If Seonwoo’s contacts had come a couple more times, he would have blocked him immediately.
But fortunately or not, Seonwoo had stopped contacting Jeongha after that.

And then, of all days, why today, the day Baek Jeongha met and returned from seeing Seo Haeyoon, would he get a sudden message?

His heart raced.
There hadn’t been anything this interesting in years.
Jeongha lifted one corner of his mouth into a smile and gripped his phone.

[I’m doing fine, of course. Aren’t you getting married?]
He addressed him casually, as he had in the past.
Ahn Seonwoo hadn’t particularly liked it when Baek Jeongha treated him like a hyung.
He pondered whether to pretend to know about the marriage news or not, weighing it carefully.
He wanted to surprise Ahn Seonwoo.
He hoped Seonwoo would harbor false expectations upon realizing that Baek Jeongha, who he thought would have no interest in him, knew his news.

That’s right.
Baek Jeongha wanted to expose the hidden feelings of Ahn Seonwoo, who had contacted him on the verge of marriage.
As expected, his phone began vibrating rapidly.

[Gasp, Jeongha-yah]
[You’re still awake? Did I wake you..? Sorry]
[Didn’t think you’d reply…]
[Yeah.. you heard the news. That’s how it turned out..]

The confusion he felt was palpable in the series of messages that arrived.
It was understandable, having been consistently ignored while clinging and begging, only to suddenly receive a vaguely positive reply.
But Jeongha’s expression was indifferent.
Surprisingly, seeing Seonwoo’s replies made him rapidly lose interest.
The moment of amusement Jeongha felt was about the next steps this would bring with Seo Haeyoon, not any particular interest in Ahn Seonwoo.

[Yeah. Congratulations.]
[I was just a bit surprised to hear you’re getting married]
[Do well with the wedding prep. Let’s talk again sometime]
In case the conversation dragged on, Jeongha hurriedly concluded it.
He deliberately added ‘let’s talk again’ hoping Ahn Seonwoo would misinterpret it and fall into further confusion.

He could almost feel Ahn Seonwoo’s anguish emanating from the now-silent phone.
Of course, it was none of Baek Jeongha’s concern.

Tossing his phone carelessly aside, Jeongha lay back on the sofa.
The face of Seo Haeyoon, who had said the two were no longer of value to him, suddenly came to mind.
What emotional valleys had he traversed to reach that expression of indifference?
Did Seo Haeyoon cling to and beg Oh Jaeyeol, just as Ahn Seonwoo had done to him?
Did he cry, begging ‘don’t leave me,’ even though he was the one betrayed?
Imagining tears streaming down those pale cheeks, cold enough to feel, evoked a strange sensation.
He wondered if his expression would crumple when he cried, but if it did, that too would likely suit him well.

Closing his eyes, the face in his memory, shedding tears drop by drop, had unknowingly become Seo Haeyoon’s.
The persistently buzzing phone was no longer Jeongha’s concern.

* * * *

“Seonwoo-yah. Are you okay?”
“Huh, huh?”
Jaeyeol examined Seonwoo’s complexion with a worried face; he seemed oddly distracted since morning.
Even now, it was the same.
Jaeyeol had just cautiously asked if he was okay, but Seonwoo startled and jolted his body significantly.
Jaeyeol’s expression grew serious.

“Are you sure nothing’s wrong?”
“No, it’s not that…”
“No? Your complexion has been off since morning… What’s going on? Did you get some bad news or something?”
At the same time, Jaeyeol’s gaze shifted to the phone Seonwoo was still clutching tightly in both hands.
It was strange that he had been holding onto his phone since morning.
It seemed like he was waiting for someone’s call, yet also afraid a call might come.
What was certain was that Ahn Seonwoo was extremely preoccupied with his phone.

“I said it’s nothing!”
As Jaeyeol’s attention turned to the phone, Seonwoo reacted irritably, raising his voice.
His mind was already overwhelmed with thoughts, and having not slept a wink the previous night made him even more sensitive.
Honestly, he wanted to call Baek Jeongha right then.
He couldn’t understand why, after ignoring all his contacts for so long, Jeongha had now replied and showed ambiguous behavior upon hearing about his marriage.
It was the first time Jeongha had ever said ‘let’s talk again’ to Seonwoo.
The only words Seonwoo had ever heard from him were ‘don’t contact me,’ ‘don’t come find me,’ ‘lose interest in me.’ Yesterday was different.
Seonwoo was burning with curiosity.
He wanted to call Baek Jeongha immediately and ask why he was acting like this now.

But the reality was he couldn’t even properly send a message, let alone make a call.
Seonwoo’s own place was mostly packed up, and he was staying at Jaeyeol’s place until they moved into their new marital home.
Moreover, today being a holiday, he was busy all day with final wedding preparations attached to Jaeyeol, making it hard to find a proper moment to sort out his thoughts.