The Unchanging Self and Unexpected Connections

The male lead on the screen was passionately kissing the female lead. The plot was hurtling towards its climax: the protagonist bidding farewell to the woman he loved most, joining the interstellar fleet, and embarking on a decisive battle against aliens. As the hatch opened, his teammates urged him aboard. The two lovers clung to each other, reluctant to part, and the moment their hands separated, the female lead collapsed to the ground, weeping inconsolably.

I sat on the sofa, munching on potato chips. The final battle’s dazzling special effects cast my face in alternating hues of red and blue. At the film’s conclusion, the protagonist, crawling out from a pile of corpses, watched the retreating alien fleet. He stumbled, picked up the Earth Alliance flag, and planted it on the war-torn planet, finally turning towards his home world and letting out a hysterical shout.

The film ended.

It was a peculiar movie. Most of its conventional tropes had been seen countless times in similar films. There wasn’t a single memorable highlight throughout, and I knew that within two days, my brain would relegate it to an obscure corner of my memory. Still, it served its purpose well enough as a time-waster; I felt utterly drowsy after watching it.

Just as I was about to tidy up and head to my bedroom to sleep, my phone chimed with a WeChat call. It was Huang Zhouyu. The moment I answered, his excited voice immediately burst through.

“Do you know what I just saw?”

‘How would I know?’

“I just saw a guy, leaning out his window talking to someone, and then I looked closer, and the girl next door was also leaning out her window. They were, like, flirting and exchanging glances, you know?”

“So, what’s wrong with that?”

“I’m so envious!” he almost cried out. “I’m really so envious, my gums are practically ground to dust from clenching my teeth. I’m dying of envy, dammit!”

“Then go find someone to date yourself.”

“Don’t talk like it’s so easy,” he retorted, cursing. “Every time I go out to play basketball with the guys, we barely get a few games in before they all run off to be with their girlfriends. Ugh… my heart is rotting away. I haven’t even gone out with a girl once!”

‘That’s surprising. He’s usually so active and popular at school. Does he really not have any female friends?’

“Anyway, let’s not talk about that for now. How’s that game I recommended to you?”

He changed the subject so quickly. “I’m currently stuck on the third level,” I told him. “My stamina isn’t enough, so I can’t level up. Plus, I’m lacking a character with area-of-effect damage for blue-attributed enemies, but you told me to save my diamonds for later gacha banners, so now it takes forever to defeat blue health bar monsters.”

“…You’re playing it so seriously,” he said. “I actually wanted to ask how you found the affection stories, and which character you liked.”

“I haven’t read them yet.” I held the phone between my head and shoulder, pulling a can of milk from the refrigerator. “I looked up a guide, and it said affection stories unlock one by one as character affection increases, so I figured I’d save them up and read them all at once when I have enough affection.”

“I don’t even know what to say to you,” Huang Zhouyu said, feeling sheepish. “I specifically called because I was curious about your preferences.”

“I don’t have many things I ‘like’,” I took a sip of milk, then continued, “I only look at what I need.”

“Oh~ a cool, detached type, huh?” he said. Though I wasn’t sure what he meant, I doubted the word ‘cool’ suited me. “I have a lot of brothers like that too—opinionated, steady, not easily swayed by their surroundings… but they all change completely after getting girlfriends. Just thinking about it makes me mad.”

“Are you hoping I stay this way?”

“Hmm? No, not really,” he let out a sigh uncharacteristic of his usual self. “Change isn’t a bad thing, but I hope you’re not easily changed. I changed because I wasn’t satisfied with myself, but as for you… honestly, I’m very curious to see how you’ll turn out if you remain exactly as you are now.”

“Meaning what?”

“Just stay your unchanging self. As time goes by, who will fall in love with you, and who will you fall in love with? I’m curious about such things.”

It sounded like a strange remark, yet also like an expectation—a gaze into the future, or perhaps a reflection on the past. Huang Zhouyu on the other end of the line seemed to be on a street corner at that moment, perhaps just bought something from a convenience store on his way home. The summer night was just as scorching, yet a cold wind seemed to blow only around him.

“It’s getting late, sorry for calling so late, huh?” Huang Zhouyu spoke again after a moment of silence. “If you ask me, you should hurry up and get together with Yu Tianman. As your brother, I’d have so much face at school, and with such a beautiful girlfriend, you could walk anywhere with your head held high, hahaha.”

I listened to his joyful, delighted laughter.

“Alright, I’ll let you go then. Bye-bye.”

After hanging up, I finished my milk, leaving the empty can, and prepared for bed. I should have fallen asleep the moment I hit the mattress, yet for some reason, I found myself tossing and turning. The two-hour blockbuster, brimming with special effects, held no sway in my mind. Instead, it was Huang Zhouyu’s few minutes of conversation that lingered, making me particularly thoughtful.

****

Although I had gone to bed late last night, I still woke up early. After spending three yuan on soy milk and steamed buns at a roadside stall near the school, I entered the campus gates.

Having arrived earlier than others, the campus was mostly deserted, save for the disciplinary committee members standing guard with their hands clasped behind their backs. Not all of them stood straight and spirited; some members looked listless and lethargic. One particularly short member seemed to be from my class, but I couldn’t recall their name.

Upon reaching the teaching building, it was similarly quiet, with only patrolling disciplinary committee members in the vicinity. They watched over the playground or patrolled the corridors, overseeing suspicious individuals, student disputes, dangers, and rule violations—nothing escaped their attention.

At the entrance of the teaching building, a tall girl with sharp eyes stood firm. She wore the school’s standard suit uniform, a striking red armband prominently displayed on her arm, exuding an air of authority.

“You’re here early, Student Yi. Do you usually come to school at this hour?”

“Yes,” I replied to the disciplinary committee member. “I basically come straight to school every day after waking up.”

“Don’t you get more rest? You look quite tired.”

“Ah, I was on the phone with someone last night, and somehow, I didn’t sleep well.”

‘This disciplinary committee member is quite chatty. The conversation kept going, making me stop in my tracks.’

“Is that so?” the disciplinary committee member smiled. “Were you on a ‘phone date’ with Tianman?”

It was only at this moment that I truly focused, realizing the disciplinary committee member before me was Mei Ruolan, whom I had just met yesterday. She was smiling faintly, awaiting my reply.

“It was a classmate who called.”

“Ah, what a pity.” She looked disappointed. “I thought she had listened to my suggestion.”

We exchanged gazes for a moment, then looked away as silence settled between us. Mei Ruolan, Yu Tianman, and Dorothy—the three of them must have known each other for a long time, very close friends. They probably walked together like small groups after school, an endless stream of conversation, chatting about impractical, meaningless things that nevertheless brought a knowing smile to their faces. I had nothing more to say, and thus, no reason to remain there.

“Then I’ll be going.”

I was about to turn. “Is there something going on in the class?” she asked.

“No.”

“Then stay and chat with me for a bit.”

“I don’t know what to talk about.” I checked the time on my phone. “Besides, aren’t you on guard duty?”

“It’s fine,” she said. “Students usually don’t use the north gate, so we can take our time…” Mei Ruolan paused, suddenly remembering something. “Ah, do you know why students in this building always use the south gate?”

“Because you can see the courtyard’s rock garden as soon as you enter?” The distance to the teaching building from either gate wasn’t significantly different; the better scenery at the south gate was the only reason I could think of.

“Actually, at the beginning of the semester, a rumor spread among the boys that there was a super beautiful girl in Class A. So, boys, drawn by her reputation, would ‘conveniently’ pass through the south gate to see her. Some didn’t see her the first time and tried again; others saw her once and wanted to see her more. Eventually, other students, seeing them always going that way, unconsciously followed suit, and it just became a habit.”

This reason seemed both absurd and surprisingly logical.

“Hey, Yi Chang,” Mei Ruolan looked at me with a smile. “Can you guess who the super beautiful girl in Class A that the boys talked about is?”

“Yu Tianman?”

“Not confident enough, are you? Is there a girl in Class A more beautiful than Tianman in your mind?”

“A classmate just mentioned it to me.” I actually still remembered what Huang Zhouyu had said, though not very clearly. “He seemed to say Yu Tianman was very popular.”

“Mmhmm, Tianman always has boys circling around her, offering their affections wherever she goes… but don’t let her soft and gentle appearance fool you; she’s got a lot going on in her mind. She’s fully aware of what thoughts and reasons those boys have for approaching her. She has to deal with them every day. To prevent any ‘sparks flying’ in the class, she’s always cautious, refusing any requests from boys. ”

“That’s quite difficult,” I remarked.

“So, aren’t you happy?”

As she spoke, a student walked past Mei Ruolan and me, and I noticed that quite a few students were now steadily heading towards the teaching building. She continued speaking.

“Aren’t you happy to be the only man by Yu Tianman’s side?”

‘The only one… To be treated specially, to possess something others don’t, should I be happy about that? For a long time, I’ve watched those eye-catching students: some were prodigiously talented, possessing gifts others could only dream of; others were born into prominence, with material wealth others yearned for day and night. They reveled in the envy and flattery of others, fully embracing everything they were born with.

‘Is this something meaningful?

‘To be different from others, or to be differentiated by others—is that truly important? Am I not myself if I am watched, or not watched? Must a person’s heart be swayed by such trivialities?’

What I longed for, what I aspired to beyond reach, was precisely what everyone else possessed. I believed it to be the very essence of a human being.

“Although I haven’t shown it, I genuinely am very happy to be friends with Yu Tianman. Those sights that exist only in my own eyes, appearing in another’s perspective, through someone else’s gaze—each time we look at each other, I can see their world, and also another aspect of my own. For this, I consider myself incredibly fortunate and very happy. It’s just…”

I looked directly at Mei Ruolan, allowing other students to pass between us.

“If I could become friends with you too, I think I would be even happier.”