Chapter 12: Late Morning

While it might sound conceited, I’m actually a pretty good cook.

I’d been interested in cooking since I was little, and I even dreamed of being a chef once. Though it was a pipe dream that lasted less than two years.

However, my cooking skills really started to improve after I started living on my own. At my parents’ house, I could just eat the meals they prepared, but living alone meant I had to do everything myself.

A college student’s wallet is thin. If I relied on delivery or meal kits for every meal, I wouldn’t even have enough money to pay rent.

That’s why I mastered all the basic knowledge and skills related to cooking not long after I started living on my own. Even now that I’ve gotten a job and my wallet is thicker, I still prefer to cook my own meals rather than buying them.

Of course, compared to chefs who have professionally studied cooking, my skills are nowhere near their level… but I’d say I’m at least good enough to show off a little in front of someone.

“It’s all ready.”

Just like right now.

“…Did you make all this yourself?”

“Yes, I made a meal that wouldn’t be too hard on your stomach, since it’s breakfast.”

Dishes that are easy on the stomach and help with hangovers.

Actually, it was quite extravagant for breakfast. I don’t usually set the table this grandly for myself.

But I couldn’t very well offer Team Leader jam on toast when I offered to make breakfast, could I?

Fortunately, Team Leader’s refrigerator was full of ingredients. Judging by the traces of delivery food in the trash can, it didn’t seem like she cooked very often, though.

“There was… all this in the refrigerator?”

“Yes, quite a lot.”

She didn’t even know what was in her own refrigerator, so it seemed like someone else, probably her parents, had filled it.

“Does it suit your taste? I made it to suit my own, so I’m not sure if it will suit Team Leader’s…”

“No, it’s perfect.”

I was a little worried about whether my taste, which tends to be bland, would match Team Leader’s, but fortunately, she seemed to like my cooking.

“…Heh…”

I’ve always had a fantasy about situations like this: someone enjoying the food I made.

“…?”

Had my staring at her face without touching my food made her uncomfortable? Team Leader stopped eating and looked at me.

“Oh, don’t mind me, just eat. There’s a saying, you know, that you feel full just by watching someone eat.”

That’s what my parents always used to say to me when I was little. That they felt full just by watching me eat.

Was this the feeling my parents had back then? Maybe they were even more moved. I feel this good just watching someone who isn’t even related to me by blood enjoy my cooking, so how much more would they feel about their own child?

“…Hanbyeol, you should eat too. I can’t pick up my spoon when you keep staring at me like that, it makes me uncomfortable.”

“Ah, yes.”

Of course, you can’t actually feel full just by watching someone eat. That’s just a psychological effect.

To satisfy your hunger, you need to put something in your stomach, right?

After eating with him often, I realized one thing.

“~~”

That is, he eats very heartily.

Even before he became a woman, and even now that he is a woman, he has a knack for eating so deliciously that it makes anyone watching him feel hungry. If he had filmed mukbangs, he would have become a huge star long ago.

Yet, he doesn’t slurp obnoxiously or clatter his spoon and bowl in a hurry, but eats neatly and in a way that stimulates the appetite.

What should I call it? A humanized hamster? Every time I see him eating food carefully with his small hands, I think of a hamster. Even more so now that his body has become smaller.

“?”

At some point, I stopped eating and was just staring blankly at him as he ate. Just like he had been staring at me earlier.

“What’s wrong?”

He seemed puzzled by my behavior, swallowed the food in his mouth, and asked me.

“Do you remember what Hanbyeol said earlier?”

“?”

“…It’s nothing. Just eat.”

Feeling full just by watching someone eat.

I knew that such an idiom existed, but this was the first time I had heard it directly.

And now I felt like I could truly understand the meaning of those words. I was clearly watching a scene that stimulated my appetite, but I felt a sense of satisfaction instead.

Is this vicarious satisfaction? This was also a sight I hadn’t seen in a while. After we broke up, he was always conscious of me, and the same was true when we ate.

It doesn’t suit him to pick at his food. He looks better when he’s eating happily like this.

Come to think of it, he knows how to cook.

When he first offered to make breakfast, I didn’t have high expectations. But to think he was hiding such excellent cooking skills.

Who did he learn from, or did he study on his own?

“Thank you for the meal~.”

“…Thank you for the meal.”

Either way, it was definitely a satisfying meal.

“Can I clear the table now that you’re done?”

“Yes.”

Watching him hum a tune as he cleared the dishes, I thought.

“I’ll do the dishes, so could you wait in the living room for a moment?”

“Yes? Yes, sure…”

Maybe this is an opportunity.

If I confess everything to him honestly and apologize, even now.

…I’m sorry…

Because I… was inadequate…

He won’t have to feel guilty about what happened anymore. He won’t blame himself for the wounds of that time.

So, so…

“So… what did you want to say…?”

“…”

Say it. Just say it.

My honest feelings, the reason I broke up with this person that day.

“I…”

Just say it. What’s so hard about one little word?

Are you afraid of having your secret exposed? Are you going to leave his wounds alone for just that one reason?

“I…”

Just close your eyes and say one word, just one word.

I like women. That’s why I couldn’t accept you when you were a man.

You don’t have to force yourself to find fault in yourself anymore, you didn’t do anything wrong.

If I can just say it, we can start over.

Our relationship, even if we can’t be lovers again, we can go back to the way we were.

So, one word, one word…

“…You don’t have to worry about what happened yesterday.”

…I couldn’t bring myself to say it.

“Hanbyeol didn’t say anything rude to me, nor did she do anything disrespectful. In the first place, I was the one who took Hanbyeol right away, so the responsibility lies with me.”

I hid the truth, my true feelings, once again.

My own secret, which I had been pathologically hiding since the day I realized it.

A secret that even my parents don’t know, a secret that only I know.

“…Is that… so?”

Some people might say that such a trivial concern isn’t worth keeping a secret and that I should just reveal it.

But I couldn’t say it, I couldn’t reveal my secret.

“That’s a relief… I was worried that I might have done something disrespectful to Team Leader. Of course, I know that this whole situation is already a nuisance…”

“…”

At least not to this person.

I’m not the type of person who avoids being disliked by others. If I were, I wouldn’t have acted that way at work.

For the sake of the common good, I have to say what needs to be said. In the meeting with the Head of Department after the existing development executives resigned en masse to create a new game, I said that I would be the whip.

Who would like a whip? There was no one who liked me, who volunteered for that role.

But it was okay. I was used to being disliked.

Team Leader, are you okay?

But why is it?

I don’t think Team Leader is a bad person.

To this person, at least to this person… I don’t want to be disliked.

If I were to be hated by this person, who loves everyone, who can even love their enemies… then I would really feel miserable.

“…Go home now. I feel like I’ve taken up too much of your precious weekend time.”

“I-It’s okay! Then I’ll… be going now?”

In the end, I couldn’t say it.

I couldn’t say it, and I followed him as he got up to see me off.

“…Ah, right.”

Then, as he was putting on his shoes, he turned around to look at me, as if he had belatedly remembered something he had forgotten.

“Team Leader, actually, there’s something I’ve been wanting to say for a while…”

“..What..?”

His cautious appearance, carefully considering my feelings.

But he soon seemed to have made up his mind, and he met my eyes and opened his mouth.

“We’ve had… a lot of things happen between us, haven’t we? There were many enjoyable things, and many unenjoyable things…”

“…”

Still a trembling voice, but a gaze that showed determination.

“Still, I… still think you’re a good person, Team Leader. This incident was sudden, but it was… quite an enjoyable experience for me…”

Slightly inaccurate pronunciation, but each word was clearly audible.

“So… I hope we can…”

Perhaps I was somewhat expecting it from the moment he started speaking.

A miracle that I could never utter first, a miracle that I thought was impossible.

“…Be good friends!”

That’s why, the moment he spoke the words he wanted to say with a relieved expression… I felt relieved.

Both I, and he, who had closed his eyes.

Relieved that he wouldn’t have seen my face, which must have been distorted in an ugly way.