More Than a Common Occurrence Between Friends

I’m not being oversensitive, right? No matter who looks at us, this isn’t just “friendship,” is it? If anyone were passing by, I’d want to grab them and ask. But there was no one around. It was only Michael and me. So, I had no choice but to ask him directly. If I went back without resolving this doubt, I wouldn’t be able to do anything. I asked him:

“Michael.”

“Yeah.”

“We’re friends, right?”

“Yeah.”

Michael answered with such frustrating ease that it felt anticlimactic. Just as I was starting to feel humiliated—like I’d been making a mountain out of a molehill all by myself—Michael asked a question of his own.

“What about you?”

“Huh?”

“Do you think we’re friends?”

“Well, that’s…”

I tried to affirm it immediately, but strangely, the words wouldn’t come out. Instead, I asked another question.

“Do you remember when we first met?”

“Of course I do.”

“You said back then you were in that alley because you wanted to die in a fit of rage.”

“I did. But why bring that up?”

“Why did you change your mind about dying the moment you saw me?”

“…”

Michael’s face turned a vivid red. He stared up at the innocent sky, just as I had done earlier, and asked in a tiny voice:

“It’s embarrassing to say… do I really have to tell you?”

“Yes. I really need you to answer. I think that’s the only way I can answer your question.”

At that, Michael closed his eyes. Then he spoke.

“There was nothing but loathsome people around me.”

“I know. Your family is a complete mess.”

“Every single action they took was violent, selfish, and coarse. So, I thought the whole world was made of people like that.”

“…And?”

Michael groaned, covering his face with his large palms.

“Ah, this is seriously embarrassing to say out loud.”

“Don’t be like that. Just tell me, quickly.”

At my prodding, Michael confessed.

“I realized… that someone so small and lovely could exist in this world.”

“…What?”

“The moment I saw you, that was the only thought in my head. That’s why I took you and got out of there as fast as I could.”

“…”

“That’s why I’m so grateful to you. If I hadn’t met you that day, I wouldn’t be standing here right now.”

My heart began to thrum against my ribs. I asked cautiously:

“Isn’t that… something you don’t usually say to a friend?”

“…You’re right. That’s why I didn’t want to say it.”

“Why didn’t you want to say it?”

“Because this is stable. This level of relationship.” Michael gave a sorrowful smile. “I know that well enough, so don’t worry.”

“…About what?”

“Actually, I already knew.”

He knew what? As I stared at him with a face that still didn’t understand, Michael bared his heart.

“The reason why you’ve been asking if we’re really friends so often lately.”

“Eh?”

“It’s because you’re afraid of losing what we have now, right?”

No, what on earth is he misunderstanding? Are we even speaking the same language right now? I continued to stare at him, still not grasping his logic, when Michael stood up.

“So, you can really rest easy. Now, let’s head back to the dorms—”

Reflexively, I grabbed the hem of Michael’s clothes. I pulled him back down to sit beside me. I didn’t understand his point, but I had to clear up this misunderstanding first. I told him clearly:

“That’s not why I asked.”

This time, it was Michael’s eyes that went wide. I said it once more, even more clearly.

“That wasn’t the reason I asked.”

Michael stared at me blankly, and slowly, his face began to burn.

“…Then?”

“I asked because I wanted to know. If we really are just friends.”

“Then tell me,” Michael asked, his voice tinged with desperation. “Are we friends? Do you like me as a friend?”

“Well, you see, that is…”

Once again, my head began to spin as it filled with a million thoughts. I confessed honestly:

“To be honest, I still don’t know.”

—You still don’t know something that important? You’re seriously an idiot. Is your head full of rocks?

I heard a voice in my ear. I entirely agreed with it. Right, not knowing my own heart of all things. I’m such a fool. It was the moment I dropped my head in shame.

“It’s okay if you don’t know.”

Two warm hands cupped my face. I looked up. Michael was looking at me with forest-green eyes, smiling warmly. He spoke tenderly.

“We can figure it out step by step, starting now.”

“…How?”

Still smiling, Michael lowered his hands from my face and took my hand in his.

“It’s common for friends to hold hands, right?”

“…Yes.”

He held my hand tightly until it grew warm, and then, he pulled me into a tight embrace. The mind that had been so cluttered with thoughts was suddenly swept clean. Buried in Michael’s chest, I couldn’t do anything. Michael whispered in my ear:

“What about friends hugging? Do you think this is a common thing?”

His voice was so gentle and sweet it felt like my ears were melting. Intoxicated by the sound, I barely managed to regain my senses and reply.

“I-isn’t it common?”

“Right. Friends can do this as much as they want.”

Then are we really just friends after all? The moment that thought occurred, Michael continued.

“But I hate the thought of you doing this with anyone else.”

My mouth fell open at that. Michael asked with a crescent-moon smile:

“How about you?”

“…Huh?”

“How would you feel if I held hands and hugged someone else?”

“…”

I briefly imagined Michael hugging someone else and immediately lowered my head. I spoke honestly.

“I don’t think I’d like it either. I’m sorry… I really don’t know anything about this…”

“No, Cecil. That’s enough.” Michael nodded. “You know your feelings well enough.”

“…”

“And those feelings are similar to mine. You aren’t satisfied with just being friends, either.”

I thought I had surely considered Michael just a friend at first, but since when did I start harboring other feelings for him? I truly thought I had only viewed him as a kind, gentle, handsome friend since we were children.

“I love you, Cecil.”

Michael always told me it was okay, whether I was acting stupidly or making mistakes.

That was why I always wanted to be with him. I didn’t want to be apart for even a second. The moment my thoughts reached that point, I became embarrassed again. In truth, hadn’t I been in love with Michael for a very long time without realizing it?

My head spun at the realization. But I couldn’t just say nothing. Trembling in a way that I found pathetic even for myself, I spoke.

“I… I love you, too.”

“Great. Now that we’ve confirmed each other’s feelings…” Michael smiled as brightly as sunshine. “What should we do now?”

I thought I had finally crossed one hurdle, but another one had arrived. Flustered, I blurted out the first word that came to mind.

“M-marriage?”

What did I just say? But that was the only word I could think of.

“I’m sorry, Michael. I don’t know why that word popped up either, it just came out. My mind is all over the place right now, okay? So if you could just understand—”

“Really?”

Tears welled up in Michael’s eyes. With his eyes shimmering, he grabbed both of my hands tightly.

“You’ll even marry me?”

My eyes went wide. Michael hugged me tightly again. I was about to explain that it was a slip of the tongue once more, but I just closed my eyes instead.

Michael’s embrace was, as always, warm.

We returned to the dorms holding hands tightly. Michael hugged me one last time, and I went back to my room with a dazed face, as if I’d been bewitched.

That night, I couldn’t sleep. Even though we had parted ways, my heart continued to race. I looked down at my hands. Michael’s warmth had faded, but I couldn’t calm down. The moment he hugged me kept playing in my head. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I muttered:

“…It was really nice.”

It always felt good when Michael hugged me, but today was special. What was the reason? Could it be because we’re a couple now? I didn’t know a hug from someone you love could feel this good.

So couples have been keeping this great stuff to themselves all this time? How petty. I caught myself thinking that and shook my head quickly.

“I have no right to say that.”

Because I was a part of a couple now, too. My heart started thumping wildly again, so I buried my face in the bed. I had only been away from Michael for a short time, but I already felt empty. I found myself wishing he would hug me again. I hugged my pillow instead, but it wasn’t warm at all.

“…”

It’s okay. When morning comes, we can meet again. Tomorrow morning, I can just ask Michael to hug me as much as I want. So for now, I’ll just sleep with this pillow.

The thought put me at ease. I felt like I could fall asleep quickly today. I curled up like a shrimp, clutching my pillow. But suddenly, another thought struck me.

Come to think of it… what happens if we break up?

No sooner had I found peace than anxiety rushed back. Had we become lovers too impulsively? Even Michael had said it: a friendship is stable.

I’ve heard that couples break up for all sorts of reasons. Was I making a mistake? If we had stayed friends, we could have been together forever, even if it was unsatisfying. They say making decisions while intoxicated by temporary emotions is the most dangerous thing you can do. As I tossed and turned, I was snapped back to reality by a sudden sting.

“…”

I must have been biting my nails unconsciously again; a bead of blood had formed. I hurriedly got up to look for a potion, when suddenly, tears began to stream down my face.

Tears and blood mixed and fell to the floor. I sat there and wailed like a child. The mere imagination of not being able to see Michael made my heart ache, and I hated myself for having these worries so soon after we decided to date.

Why can’t I just enjoy a good thing when it happens? In the end, I only managed to fall asleep after tossing and turning until dawn. And I had a truly terrible nightmare.