Chapter 12: Together open

<I almost died of loneliness because I couldn’t stream after I woke up, because I had no way to communicate with you, because I had no one to talk to. Don’t go anywhere now, okay? I’ll die if you’re not here.>

A brief silence filled the video. And then, the voice that came out again was so full of moisture that anyone could easily infer that she was about to cry or was already crying.

<Thank you for coming again today. Sniff. Wait a minute, just a moment, I’ll turn off the mic.>

Why is this video circulating on the internet? Well, because internet streaming is a very accessible and open medium.

It’s quite embarrassing to have a video of yourself crying circulating all over the internet.

Even if there’s nothing in it that reveals your face or identity.

The me on the internet is the real me. If the tag ‘streamer Ruffian’ is attached to the embarrassing video, I can’t help but feel embarrassed.

Should I delete all the VODs? It’s a little headache to think that something embarrassing is left on the internet, but my whole life is embarrassing every minute and every second, so it’s not like I shouldn’t leave any records, right? Isn’t it an inevitable fate as long as I’m streaming? My head became complicated.

<Thank you for the 10,000 won donation, MorningRice-nim! Hic!>

Seeing myself responding to the donation in the middle of this made me laugh, even though I was the one who did it.

Back then, I thought it would be absolutely unacceptable to keep my mouth shut when someone gave me 10,000 won.

Actually, I still think the same way. How can I just pass by without saying anything when someone gave me 10,000 won?

Am I worth 10,000 won? There’s no way my stream is worth that much.

The chairman who coolly donated 100,000 won feels like a rich person with a lot of money doing something eccentric. The amount is bigger on that side, but the 10,000 won donation feels more real.

It’s like the difference between someone in the sky and someone by my side.

10,000 won feels like someone saved up money they didn’t have to donate, but I can’t imagine the mindset of someone who casually donates 100,000 won because their economic sense is completely different from mine.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that 10,000 won is better than 100,000 won. The more the merrier. The more money, the better. Of course, I like larger donations more.

“……”

The bulletin board I’m looking at now is the streamer ‘Ruffian’ bulletin board on the ‘Streamer Gallery’ community.

I applied for it a few days ago, and it was approved when I woke up today, so it was open.

My own communication space, my own territory allocated to me. It reminded me of the old RPG games where you would work hard with your guild members to conquer a castle.

It wasn’t a hardcore siege where huge sums of real money were exchanged, like in the representative old man’s game, Lineage. It was just an auction system. It was the system of the game ‘Fantasy Life’, which was popular as a communication channel for
middle and high school students.

We were a group of young kids around middle and high school age, but since most other users were the same, we managed to win the bid once and become the lord of the castle. We had to build a house, so we worked hard to collect materials by grinding the castle’s underground dungeon, and I don’t know why that simple labor was so fun. Was it because the guild members were laughing and having fun together?

It was fun to collect money from users by imposing taxes on the housing we built so diligently. Anyway, being a building owner is a good thing. I can’t even dream of it in reality. Looking back, it’s a fond memory.

‘It’s not like all my memories are terrible.’

A small smile formed on my lips. And it soon disappeared. I’m not in contact with any of the guild members from back then. Memories are just memories.

I turned my attention back to my bulletin board. The first post was a
post by a malicious user playing the ranking game, and the second post was this. ‘Ruffian crying video.avi’.

After feeling embarrassed once after watching the video, I felt embarrassed again after seeing the teasing comments.

I thought about deleting it because it was embarrassing, but I decided not to touch it because it didn’t seem right to ruin a place where people were having fun. It’s not malicious slander, is it? It doesn’t seem like it will hinder new viewers. Then it’s fine.

And when I clicked on the next post, a familiar nickname caught my eye.

‘JejuBreadDept’.

She really likes my voice, claims to be a woman, and is a professional illustrator who even drew my stream’s thumbnail for free. I don’t know much, but this might be a much bigger donation than 100,000 won. I heard that commercial illustrations are usually incredibly expensive. And the quality of the illustrations I received was amazing.

‘She drew another picture?’

[Title: I was inspired by that video and drew this]

[Content: (An illustration of Ruffian’s SD character with teary eyes, saying “Don’t go! The stream will be ruined without you! I’ll die if you leave!”)

(Illustration 2 of her with teary eyes, saying “You’ll come watch the stream, right?”)

If you’re going to use it for streaming, use it, you
]

Several emotions swirled wildly.

The first thing I felt was the emotion as it is. It’s well drawn. It’s cute. It’s pretty. Etc.

Then my head starts spinning when I think that the character is an SD version of me. On top of that, she has dog ears and a dog tail. Even though I thought ‘I guess I’ll just have to live with this body’, this kind of vtuber acting is too embarrassing! I think that you need to have a really thick skin to do this. I’m embarrassed! I feel like I’m going to die!

And gratitude. For giving me the illustrations, for liking me, I feel grateful and sorry to the person with the eight-letter nickname ‘JejuBreadDept’.

Am I worth this much to you? Can I continue to bring you joy?

Even so, it doesn’t feel right to receive this for free.

I should just think of it as a donation like she said, she might have just sent it expecting a reaction, so why am I so bothered?

“……”

It’s hard to repay with money. My wallet is empty, and the payday is far away.

Besides, this isn’t a big enough stream to hire a professional illustrator or editor. The donations are enough to get by, but not enough to take any active steps. Rent, loan interest, food expenses, and utility bills, money just leaks out just by being alive.

‘Should I do that again?’

The money duplication bug.

Someone who showed me this much kindness should obviously be rewarded. Then, for that, I should obviously endure that much.

I posted a comment while thinking about what kind of underwear to sell. Maybe I should buy a few more that look
. I had trouble finding ones that fit because my chest size is unusual. There was a strange underwear shopping mall in my bookmarks. I never registered it, though.

-Ruffian: I don’t think it’s right to receive this for free. Send me an email. Let’s negotiate a reasonable price.

She already knows my email. I waited for her email. The content of her email that arrived after a while was unexpected.

[Title: I don’t want to receive money]

[Content: If you want to repay me that much, just stream hard! Even if I say that, you’re still bothered by it, right? Then give me your phone number.]

What does she want to do? Communication between a fan and a streamer? Or does she want to be friends with me?

I understand that she likes my voice and wants to talk on the phone, but doesn’t she have any আপত্তি to forming a relationship with someone in this internet space?

I’m scared to take a step forward. Whenever I try to form a relationship, whenever I try to make an effort to form a relationship, the ending is always terrible.

Actually, there aren’t many relationships that ended with a big fight and cutting ties.

Most of them withered away quietly like a flower in a drought due to my helplessness, lethargy, and indifference.

Then, when it exceeded a certain limit, when I felt that the relationship needed to be reorganized, I quietly blocked that phone number and disappeared from their sight.

I don’t like people who don’t like me as much as I like them. It’s too hard for me to try to maintain a relationship first.

There was no one who liked me enough, so I never experienced a relationship that lasted.

You know. If that’s the case, you shouldn’t have started talking to me in the first place. I knew that it wouldn’t be a relationship where we could open up to each other, anyway.

When I think that sincere and heartfelt friendships only exist in anime and are only sought after by
, and that properly adjusted humans maintain relationships while wearing a certain mask, my heart feels empty.

I don’t want to understand such an empty relationship.

What is a friend?

I hesitated to write my phone number in the email, then wrote it, then erased it, and repeated.

It’s too hard for me to take a step forward.

I’m worried that she might be a man pretending to be a woman or that she might leak my personal information.

Talking on the phone is still communication through a network, but it’s one step closer than the relationship between a streamer and a viewer, so I’m nervous about narrowing this distance.

But soon, I wrote down my phone number and sent the email.

‘Should I try again?’

Because I remembered that her kindness made me decide that.