I Chose My White Hair… Over Everything

I don’t know when it started, but I became unable to sleep at night.

On sleepless nights, my thoughts always wander.

Maybe it was because I saw that line on Weibo: “You only live once. You should live the way you like.”

I know that’s impossible for me, because my life has already been arranged.

It’s just…

Just… on nights when no one is around, I sometimes wonder: if I weren’t in a family like this, what kind of life would I choose?

I don’t know.

Even if I think about it, I never find an answer.

Because nothing about me has ever truly belonged to me…

For those who have their own personalities, who can freely pursue what they want…

Am I envious?

Maybe… I can’t even call it envy…

My heart feels hollow.

It’s as if I don’t even understand myself…

Ah…

I see.

So that’s how it is.

It’s because I have no self of my own.

…

“Welcome…” The hostess paused when she saw me, her eyes lingering on my hair. After I gave a slight nod, she snapped back to attention. “Ah! I’m so sorry! Miss, do you have a reservation?”

“Yes. My name is Shen Kaori.”

“Of course, Miss Shen. Please follow me.”

It was noon, not long before the scheduled meeting time.

I’d arrived early at the designated place, a three-star restaurant.

The hostess led me to my seat, gave me a few instructions, and walked away. Before she left, she stole another glance back at me.

The customers at the other tables were also looking my way.

They were all staring at my white hair.

This was the first time I’d gone out during the day without covering my hair since it turned white.

But I was used to these looks. Even back in school, when my hair was still black, people looked at me the same way.

Those looks stung…

This morning, when she saw my hair was still undyed, she was furious. She screamed at me.

But she didn’t hit me.

I knew it wasn’t because she couldn’t bring herself to. It was simply because she didn’t want to mar my face.

Scars, bruises, blemishes—all of them lower the value.

And today was the blind date, so she wouldn’t dare hit me.

She told me to dye my hair immediately. I refused, saying there wasn’t enough time.

Come to think of it, that might have been the first time I ever refused her request.

In the end, she didn’t say a word. She just stared at me with cold eyes for a long while before walking away.

In her eyes, this blind date was probably already a failure.

Today’s match was supposedly the most prominent of all the men I’d been introduced to. It was also the last blind date they’d arranged for me.

If this one didn’t work out—the third failed match—they likely wouldn’t have the patience to arrange another.

If you can’t sell high, sell low. After this, I’d probably be sold off to some rich family’s son.

Then someone like me would quickly grow boring and be cast aside.

The moment I’m abandoned, I’ll be free.

I just don’t know if… he’d still like someone like that…

Probably not… Definitely not.

He’d be so disappointed.

But…

That’s fine.

It’s fine this way.

He said white hair suits me…

So I don’t want to dye it.

This is the first time I’ve had a thought of my own.

I want to… hold on to this thought.

No matter the consequences, no matter the cost.

Starting from this small thought, maybe I can slowly find myself again…

“Sorry, sorry, I’m late. Hope I didn’t keep you waiting?”

Lost in thought, I heard a voice. When I looked up, I saw a blond man.

This was Li Enhe, the man I was supposed to meet. At her request, I’d learned everything about him. But none of that information mattered anymore.

This blind date would probably end quickly. And then… what would I feel?

Could I tell him that I’d settled things?

So many thoughts swirled in my mind, but on the surface, I smiled. Years of upbringing had taught me to wear the mask of a smile anytime.

“Not at all. I came early.”

“Heh, I should apologize anyway. A man keeping a woman waiting—that’s never a good look, is it?”

He shrugged, didn’t sit down, and immediately pressed the service button to call the waiter.

That’s strange…

He… didn’t mention my hair?

He couldn’t have missed it, yet he didn’t even ask. Had he suppressed his curiosity that quickly?

But since he didn’t ask, I’d bring it up myself.

I didn’t want to waste any more time.

“Um, my hair…”

He turned when he heard my voice, his expression unruffled.

“Hmm? What about it? Ah, yeah, it’s different from the photo, but white hair suits you.”

“…Thank you.”

Probably just empty flattery.

From what I’d learned, Li Enhe was a notorious playboy.

No woman had ever stayed by his side.

He was probably only interested in my body. He probably just found the white hair novel.

He was no different from the other men I’d met. They were all only interested in my appearance.

…Ming Qi-san was the same. He liked my appearance too.

But why… did it feel different?

I felt there was a difference, but I couldn’t say what it was…

“Sir, how may I help you?”

The waiter had arrived while I was lost in thought.

I’d been spacing out a lot today.

“Oh, we’re leaving. Cancel our reservation here.”

Huh?

“What?”

The waiter looked as confused as I felt.

He hadn’t even sat down, and he already wanted to leave?

Had he taken one look at me and decided to call off the date?

“Sir, did you say… you want to cancel the reservation?”

“Yeah, cancel it.”

“B-But…”

“My name is Li Enhe. Your manager probably knows me. Just tell him my name.”

He didn’t wait for the waiter’s response. Turning to me, he smiled.

“Shall we go?”

He was taking me with him?

Did he just want to go somewhere else?

What was he thinking…

“Um…”

“I’ve already eaten, so I’m not hungry. I know a nice café nearby. Could I buy you a cup of coffee?”

“…Alright.”

Maybe he was just being a willful rich kid, trying to show off.

Men always wanted to impress beautiful women. He was no exception.

In the end… all men were the same.

We left the restaurant together and walked to a nearby café. The place was empty.

When we walked in, the owner gave him a nod. This was probably a place he knew. He’d likely reserved the whole place for the day.

“What would you like?”

“Anything is fine…”

“Same here. Just bring us two cups of coffee. Something sweet, please.”

“Of course.”

The owner went to prepare the coffee.

Silence fell again. He didn’t say anything, and I had nothing to say to him.

The quiet lasted until the coffee was set before us. The owner said, “I’ll be out back,” and left the café.

Now it was just the two of us.

I felt a twinge of nervousness. Was he… going to do something to me?

Maybe I should have brought scissors…

I gripped the handle of my coffee cup. If he tried anything, I’d throw the coffee in his face.

If I did that, the consequences for me would be even worse… They’d probably be implicated too.

That wouldn’t be so bad.

But he didn’t look up. He stared at his coffee, stirring it with a spoon, and suddenly asked,

“What’s the difference between him and me?”

“Huh?”

“He and I did the same thing, didn’t we? Didn’t care about your hair color, bought you coffee…”

Ah? How did he know…

He suddenly lifted his head and smiled at me.

“Or do you just think cheap canned coffee is better than expensive hand-brewed coffee?”