“I… I’m sorry.”
“What exactly are you sorry for? Explain yourself.”
Lan Yucheng’s voice grew colder, and her grip tightened slightly.
“Sister Cheng… if only you could always treat me like this… how wonderful that would be…”
Qing Xinxue blinked, speaking with utmost sincerity.
If only Lan Yucheng would always treat her this way.
If only she could be even more cruel, more hateful towards her. Would her heart then feel lighter?
“You… you’re a little abnormal.”
It took a long moment for Lan Yucheng to utter those words.
Qing Xinxue’s current state was far too unusual, as if she had entered a ‘second form.’
“Abnormal, you say…”
Qing Xinxue slowly chewed on the words, realizing she had never truly been normal.
“Sister Cheng.”
She took Lan Yucheng’s hand from her chin and moved it to her own pale neck.
“What do you want me to do?”
“Choke me.”
Lan Yucheng composed herself once more, yet she did not refuse the request.
Her fingers slowly spread, then gently closed around Qing Xinxue’s neck.
Lan Yucheng’s hand was larger than Qing Xinxue’s, and Qing Xinxue’s neck was quite slender.
With a single grasp, her entire neck was easily encompassed, a slight pressure applied.
She could feel Qing Xinxue swallowing, her throat bobbing.
She could also feel Qing Xinxue’s rapid breaths.
After approximately ten seconds, Lan Yucheng released her hand.
“Is that enough?”
Qing Xinxue shook her head. She shifted closer to Lan Yucheng until their skin touched.
“Sister Cheng, you should have just choked me to death.”
“?”
Lan Yucheng stiffened. What was Qing Xinxue trying to do now?
This kind of game should surely have its limits.
Lan Yucheng remained silent. Qing Xinxue was in no rush either. She turned off the light, then curled herself into Lan Yucheng’s embrace, her fingers lightly tracing Lan Yucheng’s skin.
Before long, another sob escaped her.
Lan Yucheng sighed. Tonight’s situation had completely exceeded her expectations.
She was losing control of the situation more and more.
“Tonight, tell me everything you want to say. Tomorrow, we’ll pretend nothing happened, okay?”
Lan Yucheng knew she couldn’t let this situation continue. She had no control, no idea what Qing Xinxue’s next move would be.
Uncertainty and unpredictability were etched onto Qing Xinxue, and Lan Yucheng… she feared such unpredictability most of all.
“Tell you… Sister Cheng, will you truly not loathe me, hate me, push me away?”
In the darkness, Qing Xinxue lifted her head. Though she couldn’t clearly see Lan Yucheng’s face, it didn’t matter; all she needed now was an answer.
“I told you, tomorrow, nothing will have happened. We’ll still be us, and our relationship won’t change.”
Seeing Qing Xinxue relent, the heavy stone in Lan Yucheng’s heart finally fell.
Thank goodness.
Qing Xinxue still listened to her words.
“Then… pinky promise!”
Qing Xinxue hooked her pinky finger with Lan Yucheng’s.
After calming herself slightly, Qing Xinxue finally began to speak of serious matters.
“Sister Cheng, last time, I shouldn’t have poisoned your food.”
“…”
Lan Yucheng felt a jolt. Did Qing Xinxue truly want to kill her?
“Mhm.”
Lan Yucheng’s other hand gently patted Qing Xinxue’s back, as if comforting a child.
“That day, Sister Cheng, you scolded me so fiercely. But… but when I cried, you came to comfort me again. You shouldn’t be so good to me… truly.”
“Sister Cheng, do you remember when we were little? That day, it was the first time I ever saw you.”
“Back then, Sister Cheng, you were so gentle, just like now. You reached out and stroked my head.”
In the darkness, Qing Xinxue’s voice carried a hazy quality, lost in memory, as if she wasn’t speaking to Lan Yucheng, but confessing to a ghost of the past.
“You touched my head and asked if I was cold or hungry… In that moment, I thought, how could there be such a good person in this world? You were like the sun, warm and comforting, pulling me out of that cold, foul corner.”
Her fingers unconsciously traced circles on Lan Yucheng’s back, her tone gradually taking on a sweet, twisted edge.
“You brought me home, gave me a bath, dressed me in clean clothes, and made me delicious food. You smiled at me, talked to me, slept beside me… At that time, I truly wished time would just stop there. Only you, and me.”
Her voice suddenly dropped, thick with a nasal sniffle.
“But… Sister Cheng, you weren’t only good to me. You were also very kind to the cat next door, very kind to your classmates, and you even showed that same… infuriatingly jealous tenderness to strangers begging on the street.”
“I started to get scared. I was afraid that your light wouldn’t just shine on me alone. I was afraid that I wasn’t the most special one. I was afraid… that one day you would find someone else more pitiful, more worthy of your concern, and then just discard me, just like my birth parents did.”
Her body began to tremble slightly, and the arms wrapped around Lan Yucheng tightened involuntarily.
“So… so I did something wrong. The first time… I poured the cleaner you told me not to touch, saying it was poisonous, into the milk you were going to feed the stray cat. I watched that cat drink it, then writhe in pain on the ground… I was so scared, but more than that… it was a strange sense of relief. See, it couldn’t steal your attention anymore.”
Lan Yucheng’s body instantly stiffened, but she didn’t interrupt. The knuckles of the hand resting on Qing Xinxue’s back merely turned white.
“When you found out, you scolded me so fiercely for the first time. I was terrified, crying uncontrollably. Then… then you came to hug me, to comfort me, telling me, ‘Don’t be scared, Xiaoxue, Sister Cheng is here, don’t do that again in the future.'”
Qing Xinxue’s voice became choked with tears, yet she also let out a strange laugh. “See, you even forgave me for doing something so terrible. You’re so good to me… so good that it makes me even more afraid. I’d rather you hit me, kick me out, let me fend for myself… anything is better than this, letting me drown in your gentleness, becoming more and more greedy, more and more ugly…”
Her words accelerated, like a floodgate finally breaking, unleashing a pent-up torrent.
“I don’t want you to smile at others! I don’t want you to care about others! I don’t want your hand to touch anyone else’s head! Your gentleness, your kindness, everything about you, should be mine! Only mine!”
She almost shrieked, then was immediately seized by immense fear, her voice abruptly weakening into a humble plea. “I know this isn’t right… I know I’m bad, I’m a pervert… but I can’t control it… Sister Cheng, I can’t control myself!”
She abruptly lifted her head. Even in the darkness, Lan Yucheng could feel that burning gaze, a mixture of love and despair.
“I poisoned your food… not because I hated you… it was because… because that day you smiled at the new transfer student! You smiled at her three whole times! I couldn’t bear it! At that moment, I had only one thought… if you were sick, if you could only lie in bed, wouldn’t you only look at me? Wouldn’t you show that smile to anyone else anymore?”
She broke down in hysterical sobs, curling into a ball as if trying to cry out her very insides.
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry, Sister Cheng… I’m a monster… I’m an ungrateful, dirty-hearted monster… I don’t deserve your kindness… Someone like me… someone like me…”
She choked, using her last ounce of strength to utter the truest confession, locked deep within her heart.
“Someone like me… doesn’t deserve… doesn’t deserve to like you!”
The last few words were a desperate wail, filled with world-shattering despair and self-loathing.
She released her hold on Lan Yucheng, as if even touching her was a defilement, wanting only to completely cast herself into the abyss of darkness.
“But… but I…” She sobbed uncontrollably, speaking in broken, dreamlike whispers. “But I… I really like you so much… so much that I don’t know what to do… so much that… I’d rather you kill me… than see you belong to someone else…”