A Strange Dream

“What a strange dream.” Noren tugged at the white hospital gown. It was size XXL, but still too small.

The southern hemisphere was visible in silhouette. A straight line of abdominal muscle traced down, connecting to a droplet-shaped navel, like a stretched-out drop of water about to fall.

“Tch, this stupid outfit. I’m 180 cm tall, with at least 36E breasts, and they give me a doll-sized hospital gown instead of a 4XL? What a nasty sense of humor!” Noren spat in disgust.

“Let’s get out of here quickly.” Dith clamped her skirt between her legs, rubbing it dry. “This is the trap of a horned evil god. It’s adept at weaving dreams into a spider’s web, making any fly that falls into it its food. Countless wizards have had their souls sucked dry like this.”

“But I’m not a wizard,” Noren said, annoyed. She didn’t understand why this ‘horned evil god’ kept causing trouble for her.

“Didn’t Svein tell you?”

“You know my old man?” Noren shot her a strange look. How did this little thing know Svein?

“You…” Dith hesitated, organized her words, then hesitated again, forgetting what she wanted to say. “Forget it. Just remember this: in the future, try to use that ‘epic-grade’ artifact hanging around your neck as little as possible. Even if it’s part of you and the side effects are reduced by eighty or ninety percent, they can still not be ignored…”

“Try not to use it, understand, hmm?” Dith tilted her head, a slight smile on her lips.

Noren turned her head away, pretending not to hear.

Not use the bloodstone?

Impossible!

Like someone trying to quit smoking, at best she could use it less each day, not stop using it entirely.

A 36E bikini required the bloodstone to be constantly activated.

If she didn’t use it, things would flop around. If that happened…

“Moo~” A black-and-white cow ambled slowly toward her, its four soft udders swinging with each step.

“Eek!” Noren quickly shook the cow illusion out of her head.

She didn’t want to reach the point where, due to aging, things sagged down to her belly. That would be disgusting.

Noren put her hands on her hips and pointed at Dith. “You’re just a little subconscious in my dream! Once I wake up, you won’t be able to boss me around about using the bloodstone!”

Dith took a deep breath, then exhaled, wearing a helpless and indulgent smile. She thought to herself, ‘Really… just as stubborn as her father…’

Seeing that persuasion was hopeless, Dith could only say, “Let’s get out of here first. The longer we stay, the more dangerous it becomes.”

****

The corridor walls were painted a ghastly white. Fluorescent lights were embedded in the ceiling, their high-intensity illumination comparable to car high beams.

Too bright to open her eyes.

“Which way?” Noren’s pupils contracted to pinpricks. Before her was only a single corridor, but which way to go? Left or right?

“Left,” Dith said.

Just as Noren prepared to sprint, a childish voice came from behind her—

“Where are you going, big sister?”

She turned around.

A little girl whose face was hidden by overly long bangs.

How did Noren know it was a girl?

Because the little girl had a breast the size of a rubber ball on her right chest, while her left was flat. She was playing with the breast like a toy ball—

One slap, and the ‘ball’ instantly stretched.

It hit the floor.

“Splat.”

Bounced back, making the little girl’s whole body jolt.

…

Noren’s scalp tingled. Even though she was used to blood and gore, seeing such a bizarre girl made her feel a chill:

“What the hell is this creepy thing!”

Noren—Stress +10 (Freak)

“Noren, kill her!!!” Dith suddenly shrieked.

“What?” Noren’s mind froze.

But her body reacted instantly—she pivoted on her toes, sidestepping a dark shadow that whizzed past.

“Big sister, let’s play ball-throwing game, okay?”

“I’ll throw~”

The girl’s breast opened like a flower bud, revealing a mass of sharp teeth like a sunflower.

“You catch~”

The ‘ball’ with a gaping maw broke free from the girl’s arms and lunged at Noren, roaring: “ROAR!!!”

Blergh!!!

Trypophobia triggered!

Noren—Stress +50 (Freak)

Noren exploded with emotion. She kicked high, sending the oncoming ‘ball’ up to the ceiling. But it bounced off, elastic, and lunged at her again.

Dodge, dodge, dodge!

“Noren, what are you hesitating for!” Dith’s face was full of anxiety. “Kill that little b*tch! Why are you messing with that thing!!”

“But she…” Noren dodged left and right.

In between dodges, she glanced at the little girl. The girl parted her black bangs to reveal a delicate, sickly-looking face. Her smile was sunny, as if she really were just playing catch.

Should she kill her?

If this wasn’t a dream, and if she really had traveled back to the 21st century, she…

Noren’s mind was in chaos. She didn’t know if this was a dream. In the medieval era, she had been ambitious, wrathful, arrogant. But back in the 21st century, she had become a good citizen—content, just, and humble.

The little girl wasn’t going to give Noren time to think.

Hesitation leads to defeat.

Noren’s movements slowed for a moment, and the gaping maw lunged to within a centimeter of her face.

The rows of tiny teeth in the abyssal mouth, the foul-smelling saliva, the eyeball deep inside… everything magnified in Noren’s vision as if time stood still.

At the brink of life and death, a lightning bolt flashed through Noren’s mind.

She understood!

‘I’m the meta now! I’ve got the right to self-defense, why the hell should I be scared!!’

Her big hand shot out, grabbing the corner of the breast-mouth, and with a yank, she tore it apart. Blue blood sprayed into the air.

As the blue rain fell, the world lost its color. The walls turned black, the blood turned black, and the ‘ball’ deflated, twitching like a living thing, spewing out a mass of black blood.

Not far away, the little girl seemed severely wounded. She collapsed, sitting in a W position.

Blood seeped from the corner of her mouth. Her pure, delicate face bore a pitiful smile. “Big sister, why did you break my ball… That was my mother…”

Noren’s lips trembled. Guilt began to fester.

“Noren, don’t dawdle. Killing this little bastard is nothing. I’ve killed far more than you in the past—I’ve even strangled countless newborns!” Dith urged anxiously. “The horned evil god has sensed it. We’re about to face its desperate resistance. We have to get out, now!”

‘This damned dream!’

Noren bit her lower lip. Steeling herself, she stopped looking at the little girl she had killed and began to sprint madly down the corridor.

But as soon as she took a step, the entire corridor began to writhe like a living thing. Dozens of faces strained to push out of the soft plaster walls, leaving impressions in the flexible surface.

Hollow eye sockets, desperate breaths.

Before Noren could even curse, the floor undulated like ocean waves. It turned into a quagmire, sucking her in up to her knees, as if trying to swallow her.

“Damn it, this is the classic ‘slime trap,’ isn’t it?” Noren exclaimed in shock.

She gritted her teeth. “I really need to wash my brain, or else how would my dream turn into such a hentai plot?!”

Just as the ‘slime trap’ engulfed her up to mid-thigh, it kept creeping upward, slithering along her skin.

“No way, I’m not some hentai heroine!”

Noren struggled desperately, but her hands were also sucked in.

She felt a slippery tentacle caress the back of her hand. Goosebumps erupted from her tailbone and spread over her entire body.

“I’m done for. Another game over. No, this is a defeat CG.”

Noren smiled bitterly. “I’m still too weak.”

Suddenly, a solemn, high-pitched sacred voice rang out—

“Baldr, noblest of bloodlines, brightest and most beautiful of the gods, may you blink your extraordinary golden lashes, grant from the underworld a tiny ray of light to protect us from harm, to shield us from all weapons cast at us…”

Dith spread her arms, embracing the sky, chanting a spell. The words flew from her small mouth, becoming rune after rune. The runes shimmered with fluorescence and adhered to Noren’s skin one by one.

In the next instant, Noren radiated light.

The ‘slime tentacle trap’ let out a piercing shriek.

“Ptui!” It spat Noren out completely.

“Saved.” Noren breathed a sigh of relief.

But her relief was short-lived. The corridor floor stirred up even more violent waves.

“Slap!” A sound like a carpet being whipped.

A half-meter-high floor wave rushed in from the right. She could hear the roar of the sea.

“Run!” Dith, exhausted, fell limply from the air and was caught carefully in Noren’s palm.

Then Noren bolted.

“How is that thing so fast!” She was already faster than Usain Bolt, her legs a blur, but the distance between her and the floor wave was still closing.

“I’m done for.”

The floor wave caught up.

Noren instantly felt a strong push from behind. The moment the wave touched her, it accelerated even more, at least 9 G’s.

“Toying with me~ glub glub~ aren’t you~ glub glub~ huh~ glub glub glub~” The wind cut like a knife, forcing its way into her mouth, puffing out her cheeks, tears streaming uncontrollably.

Horned evil god, screw your mother.

****

After what seemed like an eternity, the floor wave stopped.

Noren leaned against the wall, pale-faced, drool at the corner of her mouth, legs trembling.

The speed was too much. Even a physique like Heracles couldn’t withstand it without protection. She felt her spine might break.

“This horned evil god should consider developing immersive virtual reality games. Whether it’s slowly siphoning souls or subtly hypnotizing hundreds of thousands, it’s way better than focusing on just me!”

“Isn’t the horned evil god a total idiot?”

“Ugh!” Noren’s stomach churned; she couldn’t help dry heaving.

“Need some motion sickness medicine?” A gentle male voice.

“No, thanks.”

Huh?

Noren snapped to attention. She looked up and saw a doctor in a white coat sitting at a desk.

The doctor’s appearance matched his voice—gentle, cultured, intellectual.

A pair of black steel-rimmed glasses gave a reassuring feeling, a subconscious impression of ‘I can entrust my life to him.’

“Where is this?” Noren quickly surveyed the surroundings—a doctor’s office, and only the doctor was present.

“And who are you?”

The gentle doctor adjusted his glasses. “I’m your attending physician. Didn’t you want to be discharged?”

His voice carried a strange magic, as if every word he spoke were absolute truth.

“Oh~” Noren’s eyes lit up. She slapped her palm with a fist. “Discharged, right?”

In the next moment, her eyes turned fierce.

“Die!”

A million horsepower of force gathered in her fist. The wind whistled as thunder crackled, as if she wanted to crack the Earth like a 50-gram egg.

“BOOM!!!”

With a cataclysmic roar, the doctor’s desk exploded into pieces. Fragments flew out and embedded deep into the concrete walls. Dust filled the entire room.

“Clap… clap… clap…” The doctor slowly rose from the dust, clapping rhythmically. “Not bad!”

The doctor shed his outer skin, revealing a face that could drive anyone mad. His body was humanoid but covered in indescribable tumors. His face sagged to his shoulders, like a lump of mud hanging on a pole. He clapped with deformed hands, and with each clap, strange geometric figures that Noren couldn’t comprehend popped out between his palms.

“Has anyone ever told you you’re ugly as sin?” Noren felt her sanity plummeting. Just staring at the doctor for two or three seconds, her surroundings began to warp. The walls softened, tentacles burst out, writhing madly. The tips of the tentacles had anemone-like tendrils that sprayed spores into the air…

“N-Noren, don’t look at Him. He’s a wizard corrupted by the horned evil god. Even purebloods, as perfect humans, still risk corruption…” Dith crawled out from Noren’s hair, speaking weakly and breathlessly.

Noren immediately lowered her gaze to the floor, using the doctor’s reflection on the tiles to keep an eye on the monster.

“Then how do I get out?” Noren asked.

The doctor’s tentacle-mouth blubbered, “Blub blub~ blub blub~”

Noren shuddered, goosebumps covering her entire body—because she understood the doctor’s language.

Dith: “Nor…en…just…walk…out…that…door…”

After Noren understood the doctor’s language, Dith’s voice became distant, stretched out, like the paradox of Achilles and the tortoise. Noren was the tortoise, Dith the pursuer.

Though they were within arm’s reach, they were infinitely far apart.

The doctor said, “Do you want to be discharged?”

Noren: “Blub blub~ blub blub~”

The doctor: “You have to. Otherwise, the director will fire me.”

Noren: “Blub blub?”

The doctor: “We need your family’s consent.”

Noren: “Blub!”

The doctor: “No!”

…

After a brief negotiation, the doctor agreed to lend Noren a phone.

“Beep—beep—”

“Click!” The call connected.

A pleasant, reassuring female voice came through. “How may I help you?”

“Blub blub~”

“I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

“Blub blub~”

“Is it inconvenient for you to speak?”

“Blub.”

“If you need help, say two syllables and we’ll send someone immediately.” The person on the other end sensed the urgency.

“Blub!”

“Please hold.” The line clicked dead.

…

Noren extended a tentacle and handed the phone back to the doctor. “I’ve notified my family.”

The doctor: “Blub blub?”

Noren snapped back, “You don’t understand, so don’t talk nonsense. What would an 11th-century wizard know about phones? You can’t even search Baidu properly. Shut up if you don’t know.”

The doctor: “Blub!”

Noren brushed him off, “Yeah, yeah, yeah! You’re the best, okay?”

…

“Knock, knock, knock.” The office door sounded.

Noren’s thighs had completely transformed into four tentacles. She squirmed toward the door, “See, my family’s here.”

The doctor’s tentacles went wild, flinging Noren into the air.

Evidently, He knew who was outside.

“FBI! OPEN THE DOOR!”

“BANG!”

A heavy kick sent the door flying. Two blue-armored figures smashed through the doorframe, charging in. Chainswords cleanly sliced the doctor in two, killing him instantly.

“Die, xenos! Fire will purify everything!” Flamethrowers incinerated the doctor’s remains.

“N-Noren, are we safe?” Dith’s voice finally reached Noren again.

“Cough!” Noren coughed up a small piece of tentacle from her throat, blood seeping from the corner of her mouth. “I think so?”

“Xenos! Heretic!” A blue-armored hand grabbed Dith directly.

Dith let out a shriek, eyes bulging, all the air squeezed from her lungs!

“Wait, don’t hurt her!” Noren begged quickly.

“Oh, by the God-Emperor, look what we have here—a pureblood human.” The blue-armored figure released Dith and crouched in front of Noren. By now, with the doctor’s death, Noren’s bodily mutations were rapidly receding.

“Apothecary!” The blue-armored figure boomed.

“Coming, coming.” Another armoured figure came over, handing over a huge syringe with a needle as thick as a pinky finger.

“Sss~” Noren’s face twisted in sympathetic pain. “Got a smaller one? Thanks.”

The blue-armored figure produced a smaller syringe, still large but acceptable.

A large syringe of ‘pure blood’ was drawn from Noren’s body, glowing softly in the glass.

“You need protection,” the blue-armored figure said.

Then, Noren smoothly walked out of the doctor’s office.

Outside the office, a high-speed train was waiting silently on the tracks.

A train attendant, smiling without showing teeth, hands placed on her stomach, said, “May I see your ticket, please?”

“Splat!” Like a watermelon bursting, the blue-armoured figure crushed the attendant’s head. Purple blood stained his sacred armour.

“Get on!” the blue-armoured figure said.

Noren held Dith, whose six wings hung limply over her palm. Noren gave a soft “Mm” and stepped into the train.

“The doors are closing. Please stand clear of the doors. Attention please, the door is closing. Beep beep beep beep…” the train announcer said.

“Boom!” The doors shut.

“Are you really leaving? If you leave now, you’ll never return to the 41st millennium.” A vast voice echoed from the infinite cosmos. “Stay here. Everything familiar is here: family, friends, lovers, a kind society where everyone is friendly and yearns for the good…”

Several familiar yet strange faces pressed against the train door, their features distorting as they squeezed together.

Parents: “Stay, won’t you? It’s warmer here than in some faraway place.”

Friends: “You’re forgetting us for money, huh? Next game night, we’re not inviting you!”

Lover: “Hmph~ You think you can just leave? Take one step, and I swear I’ll send you a video in a month.”

Noren felt a sudden pang of pain in her heart. She punched the glass door hard, but it was hardened steel; no crack.

The vast voice began to tempt again: “Stay, and I’ll give you an extremely comfortable life. You’ll marry a rich, beautiful girl and reach the pinnacle of life… If you want some ups and downs, I can make you a country’s richest person, let you endure political suppression, and then at the last moment, bet everything and soar again. Do you like that plot?”

“Or do you prefer to return to the brutal 11th millennium, wielding crude iron blades to cut through fragile bodies, watching blood spray?”

“Or do you really want to degenerate into a woman, raise children, waste away, and one day die in childbirth?”

…

Noren’s expression flickered. She was torn.

“Vzzzzzt~~~”

“No!” “Help!” “Don’t kill me!”

Parents, friends, lover—all were cleaved into pieces by a sudden chainsword strike. Strangely, even in pieces, their flesh chunks still screamed for help!

The blue-armoured figure said nothing.

He turned and continued battling several four-meter-tall xenos with scythe-like arms. Another figure without a helmet, with four nails driven into his head, seemed even fiercer, holding his own against a four-scythe monster.

“So strong!” Noren was stunned, snapping out of the evil god’s temptation.

A two-meter-tall woman in a battle-sister habit approached. She tried to force a smile, but it looked awkward. “Time to go. The train will escort you to safety.”

Noren settled into a comfortable recliner. Dith had a mini sofa.

“And then?” Noren asked.

“You’ll receive the highest protection, only needing regular blood draws.” The battle-sister’s expression returned to cold hardness.

“Mm.” Noren sank into the sofa, murmuring, “What a bizarre dream… If it’s not a dream… that’s quite a joke…”

“I will stay with you always,” the battle-sister said. “And I’ll accommodate your requests as much as possible.”

“Ooh~” Noren drew out a mischievous tone. “Anything?”

The battle-sister frowned. She reached under her skirt and produced a large object, scanning it over Noren’s head with a series of ‘beeps’: “Mild corruption from Slaanesh, but nothing serious.”

“Mm, I’ll accommodate you.” The battle-sister agreed.

“Then give me a warm kiss.” Noren glanced at the battle-sister’s bust, even larger than her own 36E.

The battle-sister stared coldly at Noren.

Noren blinked her big, watery eyes, pretending to be pitiful, and sniveled, “You know, I’ve been locked up in that place for so long. It was so dark, I was so scared. I’ve always wanted a warrior like you… with a muscular chest to protect me.”

Then she sneaked another glance, thinking, ‘So big.’

The battle-sister was silent, then suddenly stood up. Just as Noren thought she was about to get punched, the battle-sister said slowly, “Fine. I will press my lips to your forehead for two seconds. However…”

She paused. “However, please remember that if you ever need spiritual comfort, you can go to the Commissar. What I’m about to do contains no thoughts of Slaanesh.”

“Mm-hmm.” Noren nodded like a chick pecking rice.

Hurry up and kiss!

“This is my first time doing this. Please forgive me if it’s unpleasant.”

With that, the battle-sister pursed her deep red lips slightly and slowly leaned in…

Hurry up and kiss!

Noren closed her eyes, her heart racing.

“Mwah~ smack~”

Hearing the sound of a kiss, Noren couldn’t suppress the corners of her mouth, which curled up wildly. After a sanity-draining dream, she could finally enjoy herself.

“You…” Noren was about to tease the battle-sister, saying ‘Your technique is good,’

But when she opened her eyes, she saw a man’s chin. On the chin were short golden stubble.

“Eek!”

Noren jumped three feet high like a startled cat.

“Ow!” Tolruk winced as Noren’s forehead hit his teeth, and he fell backward, landing hard on the ground.

Noren frantically wiped the moisture off her forehead, then stared at her dry hand with a pained expression, her chest heaving with emotion.

“Breathe in—breathe out—breathe in—breathe out!”

Noren closed her eyes and took deep breaths. After a few breaths, she barely calmed down.

“Why did you kiss me, you gay bastard!” Noren screamed, on the verge of a breakdown. She had thought it was the big-busted battle-sister kissing her.

Tolruk was flustered, looking like a child caught stealing candy. “I, I, I…”

“What ‘I’? I’m gonna beat the crap out of you!” Noren was delirious, her eyes spinning like spirals.

“You scoundrel! Let me punch you first. If you survive, I’ll hear your excuse!” Noren jumped off the bed, fist raised.

“Mercy, mercy…” Knowing he was in the wrong, Tolruk could only cover his head and flee.

Outside the door, Anna stood with her arms crossed, leaning against the wall. A nostalgic smile of the past hung on her lips.

“Ah, to be young.”

****

“You’re called John?” Tolruk, with two black eyes, pulled a man out of a large wine barrel.

“John of Lublin, my lord.” John begged, “Please spare my life. I can do arithmetic, sneak, pick pockets, pick locks…”

John cursed inwardly. He had hidden in the wine barrel, buried underground. But a single sneeze had given him away. Were his ears that sharp?

“Noren?” Tolruk asked the blonde shieldmaiden.

Noren took off her helmet. She wore a fur cloak over her shoulders and a gleaming chainmail coat. Her blonde bangs were parted to her temples, revealing a smooth, fair forehead, like a valiant Valkyrie.

“Why should I trust you?” Noren said.

“I buried a cache of silver—ten pounds. I’ll give it all to you. Can that buy my life?” John looked around, seeing only the three of them, then whispered.

“Not enough.”

John panicked. “That’s ten pounds of silver! Enough to buy a warhorse and ransom a knight!”

“Doesn’t matter. The spoils from the castle are worth more than ten pounds of silver.” Noren pursed her lips thoughtfully. “I don’t need your pittance.”

“I also know where the knights captured by ‘Tall’ Otto are kept!” John said.

Oh?

Noren was interested.

She asked with keen interest, “Are they the knights captured during Jaromir’s assault?”

“Yes. I was the logistics officer for the Lublin mercenary company. I’m the only one in the castle who can write Latin. ‘Tall’ Otto originally wanted to ransom the knights, but he died unexpectedly. After that, Captain Marian focused on defending the city and didn’t know about this.” John said.

Noren: “So you’re the only one who knows where the captured knights are hidden?”

John: “There were two other mercenaries… but since you’ve taken the castle, they’re either dead or captured… So now only I know.”

He put on a mournful face. “Can a knight plus ten pounds of silver buy my life?”

Noren shook her head. “Still not enough.”

John’s face turned white as a sheet. “If… if you kill me, you’ll get nothing!”

“Oh, I don’t care.” Noren turned around, crouched down, scraped a bit of mud from her boot sole, then took out a small trinket given to her by a little wizard. She kneaded it with the mud into a little ball and tossed it to John. “Here, eat this.”

“If I eat this, can I buy my life?” John caught the mud pill.

“Eat it first.”

Without hesitation, John threw it into his mouth, swallowed, and gagged, “Ugh! What is this taste!”

“With that in your system, your life is in my hands. It’s a poison that acts periodically. Without the antidote, you’ll rot all over and die like a leper.” Noren’s lips curled into a sinister smile. “If you don’t believe me, feel free to try running away now. But I’m telling you… death isn’t scary; painful torture is a hundred times worse. Hee hee hee…”

John collapsed weakly, his eyes hollow, his expression numb.

“However…”

“If you can do me a favor, I’ll give you the antidote and set you free.” Noren had been wondering how to deliver ‘Wood’s head’ to Jaromir. And now, a perfect opportunity had fallen into her lap.

John perked up. He crawled on all fours to Noren’s feet and kissed her leather boots. “Just give the order. John of Lublin will do his utmost, only asking that you spare my humble life after it’s done.”

Noren gave a crooked smirk. “You just need to follow the captive knights back to Prague, and then do this and that…”