The Guard’s Obnoxious Demeanor

I am the Hero.

It was fortunate that I arrived in time to disperse the snake swarm, or else this Guard’s life would have surely been forfeit.

“Waaah! Blast it all! You damn woman, can your intelligence be any lower? If you’ve blinded me, you’ll be held responsible!”

‘This fellow… his tone is so utterly obnoxious! If I had known, I wouldn’t have bothered saving him!’

“Hey, calm down a bit, don’t keep harping on my shortcomings…”

I was currently tending to his wounds.

“Then what should I say? ‘Thank you’? And then weep uncontrollably? Please! This isn’t some fairy tale. I was already prepared to die, and you rescued me from the brink. Isn’t that a secondary injury? A mental injury! Ouch! Go easy when you’re applying the medicine!”

‘I was clearly wiping his wound very gently… why does it still hurt? How much softer does he want me to be? What a difficult patient.’

“What are you looking at, you big oaf! You’re quite imposing and muscular, yet in the end, you still got poisoned and messed up at the critical moment! And ultimately, it was the Hero, a woman, who saved me in a crisis! Where will you put your face now? Hey! I’m talking to you! Don’t turn your face away.”

I could feel Helter’s patience wearing thin. His left hand was continuously pinching his thigh, likely restraining his urge to draw his sword and strike the Guard.

“Just settle down,” I interjected. “Helter was bitten just as many times, yet you don’t hear him complaining.”

“Settle down? How can I settle down? I was bitten by eight snakes! And one of them is still biting my backside and won’t let go! I’m completely out of sorts!”

I gasped in surprise, quickly glancing at his backside. Good heavens, one really hadn’t left! It must have been biting his buttocks when the holy light shone, with Aironi inadvertently acting as a shield.

“My apologies, I didn’t notice one hadn’t been driven away…”

“Apologies?! If ‘sorry’ was all it took, why would we need soldiers? Let me tell you, Hero! With your carelessness and lack of attention to detail, you’ll definitely never get married in the future! Understand?”

‘Marry out? What a joke! While my appearance is currently that of a woman, inside, I am still a steadfast man! Who are you to decide anything about marriage? Besides, it would be me marrying someone else, not the other way around!’

“Oh…”

‘Despite all that turmoil within me, I still didn’t dare voice it aloud… What a coward I was… I was simply afraid he would unleash a torrent of abuse, and I wouldn’t be able to retort.’

“Quiet!” Helter finally spoke, his patience completely exhausted. “I have maintained respect for you, and I hope you can extend the same respect to us.”

Ultimately, Helter had received formal military training. He always tried to avoid acting impulsively when dealing with people.

Although the Guard had called him a “Newbie Village idiot” upon their first meeting, Helter had never truly intended to draw his sword and strike him. This was evident from the way he had curiously touched the Guard’s backside and then bowed in apology.

In short, I could confidently say that no matter how audacious or disrespectful this Guard became, with Helter’s martial heart, he would absolutely not be provoked into attacking him.

Upon hearing this, Guard Aironi’s face contorted into an expression of displeasure. He pursed his lips and jutted his head forward.

“Eat sh*t!”

‘Brother Fly… huh? Who’s Brother Fly?’ (Translator’s Note: Likely a reference to “Shi Liu” from a famous HK movie, or a meme where a character famously says “Eat sh*t!” – specifically Jacky Cheung’s character in As Tears Go By).

“Aaaargh! I can’t take it anymore!” Helter sprang to his feet, instantly drawing his greatsword. “I’ll allow you a thirty-nine-meter head start!”

“Calm down!” I immediately clutched Helter’s leg. “Weren’t you so calm just a moment ago? It was just one swear word, don’t take it to heart!”

“This guy! Never mind his initial condescending attitude towards the Newbie Villagers! Just look at him now! How long has he been complaining? Since you started applying the medicine! It’s been a full half hour, hasn’t it? He’s been blabbering on and on! I think anyone would want to hit him!”

“Calm down! Key hasn’t even reacted, so you shouldn’t get so worked up!”

“The Elf lady is already on the verge of breaking!” Helter declared, pointing at the nearly lifeless Key on the ground.

“I am the Key of God, I must not be angry… I am the Key of God, I must not be angry…” Key repeated, sounding as if she had malfunctioned. Her face displayed an expression of utter breakdown, beyond description.

“Ah…” I was speechless.

“You promised! I’m running thirty-nine meters! No backing out!” The Guard took off running!

‘Good heavens, does this fellow actually have energy left?’

He ran farther and farther away, until he was just a distant speck.

“Hmph.” Helter exhaled softly, slowly raising his greatsword behind him.

‘What is he planning to do?’

“Self-Created Skill—Forty-Meter Long Throw!”

Whoosh! Like a bolt of lightning, the heavy sword flew through the air like a javelin, carving a perfect arc across the sky. Its blade then struck the Guard’s backside with unerring precision!

The gushing blood truly resembled an autumn chrysanthemum blooming!

‘Wow! That looks painful! I instinctively covered my own backside…’

“Aaaargh!” The Guard roared, sprawled on the ground. “You damned murderer! I only ran thirty-eight meters!”

Under Helter’s furious gaze, I cautiously made my way toward where the Guard had fallen.

Only when I was a safe distance from Helter did I rush over in a panic.

‘How terrifying! I hope Helter hasn’t killed him with that strike!’

Half an hour later.

Aironi lay sprawled on the ground, his backside still protruding.

As for me, I meticulously stitched up the wound on his backside.

“Now, will your mouth behave?”

“Behave? I, Aironi, have never feared anyone! I…”

The moment Aironi opened his mouth, Helter’s eyes widened menacingly.

“Hold your tongue!” Terrified, I clamped my hand over his mouth. “Don’t provoke him anymore!”

“Mmmph mmmph mmmph mmmph mmmph mmmph!”

‘Even in this state, he still wants to speak? I’m truly impressed! Brother, you being a Guard is absolutely a loss for the nation. If they deployed you deep within enemy territory, you could undoubtedly throw that country into utter chaos…’

“Sigh… you really are something else. This is the first time I’ve seen Helter so angry. Usually, besides being a drunken lout and a bit dim-witted, he doesn’t have many other flaws. He’s actually a decent person, and I don’t want to see him erupt in a fit of rage over something so trivial… So please, just say a little less, alright?”

Aironi looked into my eyes, and his mouth truly became still.

“That’s much better, isn’t it? Thank you for your cooperation.” I smiled, intending to help him up.

To my astonishment, the fellow quickly scrambled a few steps towards Helter.

“You lucky dog! You have such a gorgeous woman showing concern for you! Don’t you feel any satisfaction? Don’t you have anything to say? Hahaha!” The Guard grinned maliciously.

“Try saying that again!” A vein throbbed on Helter’s forehead, his emotions seemingly on the verge of breaking through their limits once more.

“I will say it! So what? I, Aironi, have never feared anyone! I’m the top spearman in the capital! I have a name there! I refuse to believe I’m inferior to you, you big oaf! You and I are enemies, understand?”

Helter clenched his fist, delivering a direct uppercut that knocked out several of the Guard’s teeth.

‘It’s over… The Guard might be permanently disabled…’