The Feelings I Was Never Meant to Have

There wasn’t much liquid in the glass, but the spoon placed across it caught his eye.
It was because a sugar cube was unnecessarily perched on it.
He wasn’t sure, but it seemed they drank it by adding sugar, similar to tea.

He picked up the spoon, dropped the sugar cube into the drink, and stirred.
As the sugar dissolved, the liquid became slightly opaque.
The unknown green liquid gave a mysterious, almost magical potion-like feeling, making him slightly doubt if he should really drink it.

‘Could I possibly get drunk on just this one glass?’

Eren neither liked alcohol nor was good at drinking.
Still, he doubted he’d get drunk on just a couple of sips of this.

Since he had come in because his throat was dry, he picked up the glass and downed it in one go.
Maybe because of the sugar, a slightly sweet taste tried to emerge, but a bitter taste surged up his throat instead.

It was stronger than he expected, which surprised him a little.
A warm heat quickly rose to his hands and feet, and intoxication washed over him.
As his senses dulled, his tangled, chaotic mind calmed down in an instant.
Liking the feeling, Eren raised his hand.

“One more, please.”

When he placed another ten celrants on the table, the tavern owner promptly brought and set down another glass.

“You should drink slowly.”

Perhaps he looked like someone who couldn’t handle his drink, as the owner made an indifferent remark before turning away.
However, that comment only spurred Eren’s competitive spirit more.

‘With just this…?’

Eren lifted the glass and downed it in one go again, then let out a hot sigh.
After the first glass, he thought his mind was calming down, but starting with the second, it felt like it was spinning instead.

With slightly blurry eyes, he stared blankly at the empty glass.
Gazing at the transparent crystal glass, a distant memory from the past surfaced.

The day Eren was born, his mother passed away.
People called Eren, who became alone the moment he was born, a useless orphan.
Though he never even tasted his mother’s milk, young Eren managed to survive somehow.

Before he was even weaned, he was sent to a church-supported orphanage.
Suffering abuse from the ill-tempered head nun, he was transferred to a poorhouse when he turned nine.
And that’s when he started doing various odd jobs.

Eren wasn’t particularly affectionate, always quiet and timid, so he couldn’t mix well with others.
Then, at fourteen, he met a boy his age named John.
John became someone Eren could share his inner thoughts with, someone he could call a friend.

However, the year Eren turned seventeen, the long war between the Espel Empire and the Pelosia Kingdom began.
After hearing an enlistment rally speech in the square, John immediately decided to volunteer.

‘War is about to break out.
They’re gathering troops, and the pay is better than this job.
I already filled out the enlistment form on my way here.’

‘What? So you won’t be coming anymore?’

‘Yeah, it’s time to quit this tedious job.
If I tough it out in the army for about three years, I can save up money to start a business.’

John volunteered for the army with big dreams, and Eren, not wanting to be left alone, enlisted as well.

Back then, the first thing soldiers did after enlisting, before being assigned to a unit, was a mana sensitivity test.

It’s said that once upon a time, there were people called mages who used mana to cast spells.
But after their lineage ended, those who possessed mana were only used as a power source to operate mage-stones.

Since all mage-stones in wartime were used as weapons, the military gathered mana-bearers separately to form mana supply units.
Because their numbers were low, they received twice the daily wage compared to regular infantry.

‘I heard mana-bearers get paid double….
I wish I were one too.’

John dreamed of being a mana-bearer, but ironically, Eren was the one identified as such.

John envied and was jealous of Eren, but that was only because he didn’t truly understand the treatment mana-bearers received in the army.
Mana-bearers became living power sources to operate the mage-stones.

But mana wasn’t something generated infinitely.
When the mana contained within a human body was completely depleted, they suffered terribly and eventually died.
Especially during intense combat, they had to extract large amounts of energy, which accelerated mana depletion.

‘Guh… Cough…! I can’t… I can’t do it anymore…’

‘Mana depletion?
Tsk, at a time like this.
Now you’re useless; throw him away.’

During his time in the army, Eren witnessed the meaningless deaths of countless comrades.
And Eren, too, was fated to die just as meaninglessly.

That fact didn’t feel particularly unfair or infuriating.
After all, from the moment he was born, he was destined to scrounge like a bug and die.

But then, on the dreadful battlefield of a midwinter day, he met Kazen, and Eren’s life changed completely.

Eren still vividly remembered the day he first met Kazen.

There was only one reason why the supply unit, the very rearmost line, would end up at the front.
To be used as a shield to protect the retreating soldiers’ rear.

Wounded by a bullet on the battlefield, Eren was driven to a cliff while fleeing in a daze.
He tried to jump down to escape the enemy soldiers chasing him, but fear made him collapse.

To make matters worse, it was snowing so hard that day it seemed to turn the whole world white, and his entire body began to freeze.
Blood was pouring incessantly from the gunshot wound in his thigh.

There was nowhere left to retreat, nowhere to flee.
Thinking this was his fate, to die helplessly here, he closed his eyes.
But just then, a clear voice reached him.

‘Fourth Division Supply Unit?
What are you doing here?
The retreat order should have been given already.’

When he opened his eyes, a boy wearing the blue cape that signified an officer was looking at him.
He was so captivated by his beautiful features, it was hard to believe they’d met in such a deep forest.

‘I can’t move because of my injury.’

Eren thought for sure he would abandon him and leave.
An officer like him had no reason to care for a single wounded soldier.
Moreover, the battle was already lost, and all other soldiers had retreated.
It meant the environment was such that even preserving one’s own life was difficult.

But the boy approached calmly and checked Eren’s bleeding thigh.

‘Shot in the leg?’

‘Yes, agh…!’

He knelt down and took a dagger from his coat.
Eren thought he might be trying to kill him.
Since he would either be captured and killed by the enemy or freeze to death anyway, he didn’t want to resist.

But the boy drew the dagger and, without a moment’s hesitation, slit Eren’s cloak lengthwise.
Then he used it to tightly bind the area above Eren’s bleeding thigh.

‘Ah! W-wait, agh!’

‘Even if it hurts, bear it.
Don’t move.’

The boy stared intently at Eren, who was writhing in pain, then slowly stood up.
Was he finally leaving?
Eren looked up at him with a dazed expression.

His shining golden hair gleamed like a halo.
The fluttering blue cape looked like the wings of an angel.
Certain he would turn away, Eren tried to etch his final image into his eyes.

‘Follow me, and I will let you live.’

But without asking for his story or circumstances, without any condition, he offered his hand.

That was the first salvation Eren had ever received since he was born.
Taking his pure white hand, Eren vowed.
He would repay this debt with his remaining life.
He believed that was why he remained loyal to Kazen and stayed by his side.

Surely, that was all his feelings for him were.
But the bitter heart he felt now was a different kind of emotion.
Seeing him with someone else, and with someone far more noble than himself, his heart felt like it was tearing apart.

Thinking about it now, perhaps there was another, hidden reason within him.
For instance, holding impure feelings for him that he shouldn’t.

“Do I… like His Grace?”

Startled by the absurd thought that suddenly came to him, Eren muttered aloud.
Then, worried someone might have heard, he looked around unnecessarily.
Of course, there were only people heavily intoxicated, so no one would have heard.

Even so, he felt inexplicably ashamed, and his face flushed hot.
His heart pounded, and his stomach churned.
It was a feeling he couldn’t bear.
Just the thought that he dared to harbor such feelings felt like an imposition on Kazen.

That feeling couldn’t be real, and even if it were, he had to give up.
It was a vain wish that could never be fulfilled anyway.

‘Eren, I saved your life, and you exist for my sake.’

He recalled the voice Kazen habitually repeated to him.

The only reason Eren stayed by his side was that.
He didn’t dare hope Kazen would look at him in that way.
He was just thankful not to be cast aside.
So, this current feeling in his heart had to be buried.