A Moment of Despair

Tears and cold sweat soaked through her clothes, mingling with the dirt that clung to her skin. Pain throbbed through every inch of her body, the oppressive heat making her vision blur. Ye Xingmian thought that perhaps today would be the end of his life.

What does death feel like? Is it becoming a soul, ascending to heaven or descending to hell? Or is it a return to nothingness, like falling into a deep sleep? Perhaps it’s the latter.

He gently pulled his aching legs close to his chest, curling into a tight ball, and closed his eyes. Fever and chills, the biting cold of the floor, and the relentless pain of balls being thrown at him from afar. He felt like he was burning up inside.

What was all of this for? To endure until the end of the college entrance exams, just to see his mother one last time and escape this torment? To make life a little less agonizing, a little better?

No more early mornings to cook, no more endure the sneers from his foster parents and others, no more hiding in unknown corners, enduring beatings. But what did any of it matter?

What was the point of survival if it meant enduring endless suffering for fleeting moments of beauty, only to ultimately fade into oblivion? Like riding a one-way express train, getting on and off, leaving nothing behind. Was it worth it?

Tears continued to flow as his body shuddered with pain.

“Don’t you dare play dead,” Qin Haiyue’s haughty voice echoed from a distance. “If you don’t try to catch the ball, the game will never end.”

Would catching the ball make them stop? The girl knew the answer was no. It would only make her suffer more, give them more pleasure. She didn’t want to move anymore; her body felt utterly drained, her thoughts sluggish. She wanted to use this as her silent protest.

“Hmm? Didn’t you hear me?”

Her mother, did she really love her? If she did, how could she let her endure such pain? If she did, how could she abandon her here to suffer alone? Was it worth holding onto that distant, unrealistic hope?

A voice in her heart whispered, ‘Just die.’

Even if it meant escaping this torment, even if it meant never again enduring those sneers, even if it meant no longer suffering this momentary pain. The light in the girl’s eyes began to fade, her crystal-like pupils growing dull and lifeless.

“Thud!” Another ball struck her hard.

Where did it hit? She couldn’t tell. The pain from her body felt distant, as if the thrower’s strength had weakened. The girl didn’t cry out; she had never been good at begging for mercy. She didn’t even glance at her tormentor, only her frail body trembled reflexively.

She felt herself entering a strange state, as if all the pain in her body was no longer her own. Even as the pain was honestly relayed to her consciousness, she felt like a spectator, observing her own suffering from above.

Qin Haiyue approached her, looking down with a puzzled expression.

“What’s wrong with you?”

Her little toy seemed to have malfunctioned, lying still and unresponsive. Qin Haiyue decided to check on her.

Hearing the question, the girl opened her eyes but remained vacant, not looking at Qin Haiyue.

“Hey.”

Qin Haiyue frowned impatiently and patted the girl’s cheek.

“Don’t play dead, got it? You had the guts to find someone to protect you, but now you can’t even look at me?”

Her words meant nothing to the girl. Seeing no reaction, Qin Haiyue clicked her tongue in frustration. She then removed her dusty gloves, tossing them aside, and crouched down. With a fierce grip, she yanked the girl up by her hair.

“Mm…”

The sharp pain in her scalp shot through her brain, causing the girl to furrow her brow instinctively.

“Talk! Are you mute or something?”

As Qin Haiyue’s skin brushed against the girl’s, she could feel her astonishingly high temperature, making her worry that her newly acquired toy might have a fever. But the girl’s next action far exceeded her expectations.

The girl swayed slightly, a faint smile playing on her lips.

Despite her condition, she managed a light, carefree smile. Qin Haiyue started to get angry, but then felt the girl’s other hand gently grasp her wrist. Surprised, she looked down to see two small, pale hands carefully, slowly, and cautiously prying open her fingers, arranging them into a gripping position. Then, she guided Qin Haiyue’s hand to her own delicate, pale neck.

Through her palm, she could feel the girl’s scorching heat, the blue veins pulsing with each heartbeat. The girl’s hand tightened, securing Qin Haiyue’s hand around her neck. Having given up hope, she smiled with a sense of release and ease.

Her voice was hoarse, each word causing her throat to ache.

“Listen…”

Her gaze was vacant yet held a glimmer of expectation. The girl’s voice was like a tattered piece of cotton.

“Please, kill me…”

“…”

Time seemed to stand still.

Looking at the girl’s appearance, Qin Haiyue’s breathing grew more rapid. For some reason, she felt a surge of excitement. Her eyes gleamed as she tightened her grip on the girl’s throat, pushing her to the ground, using her other hand to maintain balance.

“Do you think I won’t kill you, huh?”

Her right hand increased pressure, and the girl’s face quickly contorted with pain from lack of air. Her body instinctively resisted, her weak hands pushing against Qin Haiyue’s, but without much strength. The girl didn’t respond, only closing her eyes.

Qin Haiyue didn’t let go, but she didn’t increase the pressure either. In fact, she was in a state of conflict. The girl’s desire to die was so captivating, she wanted to see that expression again, but she was also worried about accidentally killing her.

“Open your eyes.”

She commanded, but the girl didn’t obey. Qin Haiyue increased the pressure, and the girl’s tear-filled eyes opened.

The smile was long gone, and she waited for Qin Haiyue to end her suffering.

“Do you really want to die? Answer me.”

“…” The girl remained silent.

“I’ll tell you, it’s not going to happen. I won’t just let you die; I’m going to lock you up, put you in a cage, make you beg me every day, make you…”

Her excitement made her words jumbled, and she didn’t notice the faint footsteps approaching from outside. She lifted the girl, ready to take her away.

Making someone disappear, especially a neglected girl whose gender had suddenly changed, was easy for someone with power and wealth like her. She immediately started imagining how she would torment the girl in her basement, making her display that beautiful suffering for her pleasure. Oh, right, she also needed to prevent the girl from killing herself. That was easy; just tie her hands and feet, and pad a room with soft cushions.

But the sound of a door lock turning interrupted her fantasy.

Cold white light poured in through the opening door, accompanied by a chill wind that rustled Qin Haiyue’s golden hair. Surprised, she turned to see…

It was a girl with long, straight black hair, shorter than Qin Haiyue. She was panting, one hand on the doorframe, the other clutching a full set of keys she had just borrowed from the teacher.