Chapter 22: “I’m feeling emotional.”

Night. A pitch-black night.

So dark that the world was steeped in shadows, making it impossible to see outside.

Between 1 and 2 in the early morning.

I liked going out at this hour.

In the days when I naturally needed little sleep, getting by with only 4 to 6 hours of rest each night.

It’s something I can’t do with my current body, but back then, I went for a night walk every night.

There wasn’t much purpose to it, but ending the day with a stroll around the nearby park gave me a strange sense of calm.

I can’t do it every night anymore, as I’ve become more sleep-dependent.

But on nights like tonight, when sleep eludes me or my daily rhythm feels off.

Like a cat drawn to the outdoors at night, I find myself wanting to step outside.

The only difference tonight is that I couldn’t resist that urge.

And so, I stepped out of my cozy one-room apartment to embrace the night air.

“Mmm…”

The breeze wasn’t exactly refreshing; it was beginning to feel chilly.

Is winter already approaching?

I looked down at my upper body.

A thick fleece jacket lined with soft material.

A piece I got for free from Eunha’s store.

Underneath, I wore pajama pants with a rabbit design and three-stripe slippers.

Let me just clarify: the pajama pants are not my taste.

Jiyeon had forced, no, gifted them to me.

Leaving a gifted item unused in the closet would be like ignoring her thoughtfulness.

That’s the only reason I wore them tonight.

I’m not the type to choose cute bunny-patterned pants by my own will.

I tightened the elastic waistband around my thin waist to keep the pajamas from slipping down.

The smiling bunny faces quickly turned into frowns.

And the three-stripe slippers.

Bare feet exposed in the chilly weather made my toes feel cold.

Yet I wore them, because it was a night walk.

Slippers and night walks go together like chicken and beer, or pork belly and soju—it’s a classic combo.

Wearing other shoes just doesn’t feel quite as freeing.

It wouldn’t allow me to fully absorb the vibrant energy of the night air.

The moonlight illuminated the darkened street.

I lifted my head to meet the moon with my eyes.

The crescent moon casting its light on the early dawn was beautiful.

I made my way to the nearby park I’d scouted last time.

Jieun’s neighborhood was bustling with foot traffic.

Across the street, laughter and loud voices spilled out from a bar.

Bars, restaurants, movie theaters, cafes, parks…

Everything you could need was here.

I entered the park, looking around.

Despite the late hour, there were still a few people in the park.

Mainly couples, or people walking their pets.

I felt eyes on me.

They were probably curious why a woman was wandering alone.

Just as Jieun’s body instinctively shrank under the gaze, I forced myself to stand tall.

This was a night walk but also a kind of training.

During the day, Jieun’s body feels worn out from excessive attention, even if I try to stay alert.

But I have no intention of living isolated from the outside world like Jieun has.

I’m not particularly fond of social outings, but I go outside when needed.

It would be exhausting if I had to face this aversion every time I stepped out.

I don’t know how long I’ll remain as “Jieun,” but if I’m to live as her, this is something I must confront first.

To shake off the emotional scars that Jieun carries.

It’s better for me, and it’s better for “Jieun,” who may be gone now but could reappear someday.

Ignoring the stares, I wandered around the park.

As the darkness enveloped me, people lost interest and went back to their own paths.

See? It’s not so hard.

With a bit of self-deprecating humor, I continued my walk.

Sometimes, I strayed from the path or stopped to admire flowers blooming in the corner of the park.

It was during one such moment that it happened.

Something approached me, neither too fast nor too slow.

“Meow—”

It was a cat.

A tricolor cat, the kind commonly referred to as a calico.

Its black, brown, and white fur was adorably mottled, making it irresistibly cute.

How old could it be?

It was a tiny kitten, small and fragile.

The little fluff ball waddled over to me and started rubbing against my feet.

Purring, it pressed its head against my ankles, rubbing back and forth.

Is this what they call being chosen?

I’d only ever seen it happen in videos, so experiencing it in real life left me a bit flustered.

But only for a moment.

Seeing how it seemed to crave affection, I squatted down and began petting it enthusiastically.

In response, it rubbed its face against my hand, circling me with evident delight.

“Meow—”

Was it asking me to take it home?

It whined softly, forcing itself into my arms.

When that didn’t work, it flopped onto the ground in apparent surrender.

The sheer destructive cuteness made me seriously consider taking it home.

But I forced myself to think rationally.

The truth was, I wasn’t confident I could take care of this little life.

A painful memory surfaced.

Once, I’d brought home a chick being sold on the street, only for it to die within three days.

My family had reassured me it wasn’t my fault since those chicks were often sickly to begin with.

But I couldn’t shake the guilt.

The sight of that tiny, once-vibrant life going limp in my hands…

The warmth that had once filled it, now cold and lifeless—it wasn’t something I ever wanted to experience again.

And now, the circumstances were even worse.

Jieun’s body wasn’t the same as mine.

I was already struggling just to maintain this body. Adding a cat to the equation?

It was impossible.

Resolving firmly, I spoke.

“No… I can’t take care of you.”

Even so, my voice trembled unconsciously, betraying my weakening resolve.

“Meow—”

The cat meowed pitifully, as if understanding my words, and rubbed against me even more fervently.

I couldn’t bring myself to walk away.

I should have stood up coldly, but I wasn’t strong enough to do that.

Perhaps sensing my decision, the cat eventually stopped rubbing against me and slowly moved away.

It meowed softly a few more times, turning back to look at me as it walked away.

…For some reason, I felt a bit despondent.

I wasn’t in the mood to continue my night walk anymore.

Standing up, I began to make my way home.

“Uh… can I see your ID, please?”

That was what the convenience store clerk said.

First, when I opened the door.

And again, when they saw my face after waking groggily.

Handing over a green bottle to the wide-eyed clerk, I realized I must have startled them.

On my way back, I stopped by a convenience store.

Feeling oddly melancholic, I thought I might have a drink.

Turning to alcohol isn’t ideal, but on nights like this, a drink seemed like the best way to shake off the mood.

Though I’d wanted to buy two bottles, I settled for one.

That way, I’d finish it all tonight and leave nothing behind.

If there was soju left in the fridge, I might be tempted to drink it again later.

As for snacks…

Normally, I preferred eating soju with something warm and soupy,

But tonight, I felt like drinking it on its own.

As I paid, I noticed the rows of cigarettes behind the clerk, who kept glancing at me.

Though I wasn’t a chain smoker, I had spent a few years in my twenties as a regular smoker.

It would be a lie to say I wasn’t tempted.

But as someone who had quit before, I knew the best choice was never to start in the first place.

I kept my lips firmly sealed to stop the words *”Give me a pack of cigarettes”* from slipping out.

I couldn’t let this fresh, young body become a chain smoker.

Without even a bag, I dangled the lone bottle of soju in my hand as I made my way home.

I wondered how I might look to others.

A drunkard sipping soju as they walk down the street?

A pretty but seemingly unhinged woman?

I had no way of knowing.

It was late, and the streets were deserted.

*Sip.*

I lifted the bottle, now just over half full, and took another swig.

The sharp bitterness filled my mouth and burned slightly on its way down.

It felt as though my stomach might be a bit unsettled.

Perhaps even a small snack would have been a good idea.

Yet, despite everything, the soju went down easily.

Was it because I was young?

At the same time, warmth spread through my body, and I began to feel pleasantly lightheaded.

Not drunk, exactly, but just buzzed enough to feel good.

After about three glasses, I realized that Jieun’s body wasn’t particularly tolerant of alcohol.

Still, wasn’t it a good thing to feel tipsy on such a small amount?

Efficiency is everything, after all.

It was around the time I’d drunk half the bottle that it happened.

The soju tasted sweet.

I couldn’t figure out why, but it had turned sweet.

Did modern soju include sugar in its processing?

Puzzled, I examined the ingredient label.

Then, suddenly, a wave of emotion hit me.

What was this?

A feeling of loneliness, hollowness—like there was an emptiness in my chest.

*I’m lonely.*

The thought startled me.

I hadn’t expected to think that.

Sitting in this small room, drinking soju alone in front of my computer,

I found myself wishing for someone to be by my side.

Someone to talk with, someone to listen to me, someone whose stories I could hear.

A drinking companion.

A flood of potential candidates rushed through my mind.

Ji-yeon?

She was probably fast asleep right now, and waking her wasn’t an option.

It wasn’t a good idea to set a bad example by drinking in front of a minor, anyway.

Eunha?

Though I had her contact information, calling her out of the blue wasn’t appropriate.

Besides, we hadn’t built that kind of friendship yet.

Streamer Sua?

I didn’t even have a way to contact her.

Daeshik? …No, definitely not him.

Once again, I realized how narrow my social circle was.

Granted, I’d only been living in this body for less than a month.

But there are people out there—social butterflies—who can make friends in just a day or two.

Still, no matter how broad someone’s social network is, I doubt they could just call someone up in the middle of the night out of loneliness.

And even if they could, who would actually come?

At least, that was my understanding of the world.

So what should I do?

There was an easy solution, of course.

I could just walk into any bar, tell the people there I was lonely, and they’d probably be willing to keep me company.

Jieun’s looks made that a plausible scenario.

But I knew all too well what might happen after that.

Definitely not an option.

Eliminating the choice of going out left me with very few alternatives.

Call up a stranger to rant.

Play a game.

Go to bed.

None of those appealed to me.

*Let’s just drink.*

As I fumbled for the soju bottle, my hand grasped something else.

A long, black microphone.

Holding it for a moment, I thought to myself.

*Should I stream?*