Chapter 22 : Scary

Two days ago.

It was when I ended the broadcast, my mind half gone after countless donation requests.

As soon as I turned off the computer, a call came in.

[Shin So-eun]

I have a feeling she has a lot to talk about.

I don’t feel ready to hear it.

I’m scared to answer the call, but rejecting or ignoring it is even scarier, so I pressed the call button.

“Hello?”

<Why didn’t you tell me?>

The voice that immediately questioned me was quite sharp. I didn’t like the feeling of being interrogated.

There’s a significant gap between the feeling of ‘a being whose name, age, gender, race, and even current mood are unknown, just a sentient being’ conveyed through chat, and the feeling of ‘a person of a certain age, gender, personality, and current mood’ learned through voice.

I wasn’t very used to this.

Her voice, which I had heard many times before, felt a little unfamiliar that day.

“Tell you what?”

It was definitely cramped. But was it hard?

Did I consider this small room a prison and find it difficult?

Probably. I thought so.

That’s why I died once, and then I fell into another world and became a slightly different person.

After that, I didn’t think it was hard.

I enjoyed broadcasting every day as it grew.

I was a little down when I got suspended for moaning reactions, though.

“I’m not really struggling. It’s okay. Just so-so.”

<Liar.>

“These days, I’m enjoying every day. The broadcast is steadily growing, I got to know a good person like you, and I receive lots of gifts and donations. I’m happy every day and look forward to tomorrow.”

As I organized my thoughts to tell her, I realized that I was really enjoying this life.

In any case, seeing visible numbers go up is quite fun. That’s why people can’t quit RPG games.

“The internet me is the real me, so I don’t really care about the real-world space. As long as there’s a place to lie down, sit down, and broadcast, isn’t that enough?”

<What about your health? Even if you want to live on the internet, your body is in the real world. If you live like that, you’ll definitely get sick soon.>

“Well, then that’s that.”

I’ve never had insurance.

Living in the present is hard enough without preparing for the future.

I’ve never saved money.

My spending has always been greater than my income, so I’ve never had any money left over.

I’ve never planned for the future.

Living in the present is overwhelming, I’ve never considered the distant future like next year, the year after that, ten years later, or anything like that.

I’m doing my best just living in this moment.

In fact, I failed even at that and died once.

<The way you talk, it’s hopeless. Unnie, move in with me.>

“Suddenly?”

<I have a spare room anyway. A 32-pyeong apartment is too big for me to live alone. There’s enough space even if two people move in, not just one. I often felt that the space was empty. It would be just right to have one more person living with me.>

“So-eun. You’re young, so you’re thinking wrong.”

The world isn’t a bright, rainbow-colored, colorful world.

Shadows are darker than light. It’s a place where mixing different colors turns black instead of becoming white light.

Just because you’ve been lucky so far doesn’t mean you can rest assured that misfortune will avoid you in the future.

You don’t know that. I know it well.

Should I teach you a little bit now?

Listen carefully. It’s class time.

Don’t let it go in one ear and out the other, engrave it deep in your heart.

“So-eun. What if I’m a criminal with a tendency to steal? What if I steal your precious things after you let me into your house?”

<It’s okay, there’s nothing worth stealing in this house.>

“Then, So-eun. What if I’m a perverted psycho lesbian? What if I attack you when you’re asleep or defenseless and leave you with an indelible scar?”

<Unnie, are you into that?>

“No. I’m not a lesbian.”

But I like women.

If you ask if I can have s*x, I probably can.

Then why am I not a lesbian? Because my ego is male.

It’s that complicated.

I’m a strange person.

No matter how simply I explain it, it’s hard to understand.

You will never be able to understand.

That makes me a little sad. If I were a little more normal, maybe we could have been friends.

“Then it’s fine.”

So-eun thought too easily. I was frustrated by that.

No matter how sharp she seems, is she still a child in the end? A young chick who hasn’t been burned by the world yet.

You can’t think so simply. I’m saying this because I’m worried about you.

“Then, So-eun. What if, just what if, I’m a crazy serial killer who commits indiscriminate murders? What if I stab you with a knife, like this, swoosh. Then, will you resent me? Or will you resent yourself for letting me into your house? Neither will do any good. Regret is regret because it’s really too late.”

<Unnie, have you been watching too many anime or reading too many manga? I’m an otaku too, but this is a bit much.>

It’s not otaku talk. I’m more serious now than ever. Really, this is really my story.

Because I’ve seriously considered indiscriminate murder as part of a hate crime.

Was it when my third suicide attempt failed? When I felt it was too unfair to die alone and decided to take someone with me.

The problem is, who to take with me? If my pain stemmed from poverty and family troubles, I resolved to take revenge on the world that didn’t give me those things, by taking someone with a harmonious family and a wealthy environment.

Then how do I choose the target? I thought I’d just go somewhere in Gangnam and target a family that seemed to be doing well.

Fate, what a capricious bastard you are.

Maybe in some parallel world, So-eun was stabbed to death by my knife.

If there’s a world where only I am a little different, it wouldn’t be surprising if there were infinite parallel dimensions that are very similar but only slightly different.

Since I’ve moved between world lines, that possibility isn’t zero.

I’m a person who could have killed So-eun. A mental patient. A madman.

Maybe in another parallel world, I actually killed So-eun.

“How can you ask someone you’ve never met to live with you? You don’t know what kind of dangerous person I might be, I could even be a carrier of an infectious disease.

Cohabitation is a very serious matter to decide based on sympathy alone. Do you understand?”

Completely exposing your living space is more dangerous than a wild animal exposing its belly.

Why can’t you understand that at all?

<If unnie were such a person, I believe you would tell me that you are such a person.>

No. You’re mistaken. I haven’t even told you a quarter of a quarter of a quarter of how terrible I am.

You think you know me after seeing only a quarter of a quarter of a quarter of me.

Don’t do that.

“What part of me makes you think I’m trustworthy? We’ve never met, and we’ve only known each other for a very short time, just a handful of time.”

That’s not being a good person. That’s being stupid. Please realize that.

<Is anyone there? I’m here.>

So-eun, on the other end of the phone, recited the kind of otaku-esque lines I used to habitually say on broadcast.

<The reason I liked unnie’s broadcast was, of course, because your voice is my ideal type and the voice I admire and want to emulate, but also because your loneliness resonated so deeply with me. I told you. I’m also alone in Seoul, far from family and friends, and I felt so lonely I could die. The reason I started watching internet broadcasts was because when I watched them, it felt like I was with the streamer and the people in the chat.>

“…….”

<You were like that too, right? You wanted to talk to someone. Look at me, I’m here. I’m alive here. Look, look at me. Someone who needs human warmth that much wouldn’t want to hurt others, right?>

It’s cowardly to point out someone else’s weaknesses.

Because it makes me expect just a little bit.

You, can you lick my wounds?

They might be a little disgusting wounds.

“I don’t know, you. You’ll really regret it.”

<Why?>

“I won’t do any housework, I’ll secretly eat delicious things from the fridge, and I might sneak into your bed at night. Be prepared.”

It’s been years since I thought about killing someone.

I don’t have that much hatred now. Hatred also wears down little by little if you keep holding onto it.

So I don’t really think I’ll harm her.

But what I’m afraid of is,

That I’m boring

That I’m different from what she thought

That I’m disappointing

Maybe she’s jealous

For various reasons

Whatever the reason

She pretended

To like me

But she’ll

Throw me away

Again

As always

As it always has been

Repeatedly

If she stops

Liking me

If she stops

Caring

Then

I really

Won’t be able

To bear it

So if that’s going to happen, push me away now. Don’t pull me. Don’t make me expect.

Don’t make me think I can be touched by someone’s warmth.

Don’t make me be fooled anymore.

I’m too tattered to be hurt one more time.

Don’t come at me so frighteningly.

Don’t act like you’re going to be nice to me.

The old fluorescent light flickered. The room flickered.

“What do you want me to do?”

<First, I need to see your place. I’ll come over tomorrow. It should be fine since we’re both in Seoul.>

We made plans to meet like that.

I was scared.

Just as I’m a stranger to So-eun, So-eun is also a stranger to me.

I was afraid.

Of myself, hoping that something might be different this time.