The Weight of a Dream

I sat down right there and cupped Kallios’s cheeks. He did not lift his head. Kneeling with his forehead to the ground and kissing the top of my foot was a gesture of absolute submission.

I do not wish for such things from him.

All I want is…

“Get up.”

He didn’t move. I tried to slide my hand under his chin to force him to look at me, but his stubbornness was stronger. With his head still bowed, he even kissed my fingers that touched his lips. I pulled Kallios’s head into an embrace.

“I told you that you didn’t have to do that.”

“Your Majesty.”

The battle must have been grueling; the armor of a man who was a Sword Master was in shambles. Every effort I’d made to prevent this had been futile. Would it have been better if I had led the campaign myself? Every wound visible through the gaps in the cracked and torn armor was deep.

“You told me not to do things I didn’t want to do.”

He slowly raised his head. I loosened my arms. Kallios gazed at me.

“Therefore, I have not disobeyed your command.”

I brushed over the mask, which had turned a dull brown, stained with blood. He smiled. It was still that awkward, clumsy smile that looked like something he had stolen and learned in secret. My chest felt so tight I couldn’t speak. After staring at him for a long time, I finally managed a word.

“I see.”

He removed his gloves, which were as battered as his armor. I watched as he tucked the heavy gloves under his other arm and carefully took my hand to kiss the back of it. I praised him in a small voice. Yes. Well done.

Kallios picked me up in a sudden bridal carry. He was clumsy, as if it were his first time carrying someone. But who was I? I am Prince Kaian, a man with ten years of experience being a sickly prince—someone more comfortable being carried by others than walking. When I fidgeted to find a better position, Kallios skillfully adjusted his arms. Good boy. One arm supports the back, the other goes under the knees.

There were many eyes watching us, and every single one was filled with a strange (?) meaning… but whatever. I already knew from experience that rumors start easily but explanations are hard. No need to waste energy on pointless things. Besides, I was exhausted from riding for twenty days with only catnaps. Once I was in his arms, I didn’t want to get down and walk. While he didn’t provide the smooth ride of a seasoned expert like Isaac, Kallios’s embrace was quite comfortable. The rhythmic swaying made me a bit sleepy. I looked up at him briefly and closed my eyes. He was looking only at me.

– Big Brother.

I mumbled a response to the calling voice. I’m sleepy. I felt a hand touching my hair. Rough and cautious. I let out a groan and rubbed my cheek against the pillow. The hand stroking my hair moved to my ear. The sensation of him touching my earlobe and tracing the shape of my ear was tickling. I raised my hand to brush him away, then just let it drop. I was too tired and drowsy.

– Please wake up.

The voice was familiar and the speech was familiar, but strangely, it felt desperate. I felt like I should open my eyes. But my eyelids were too heavy. The hand that was touching my ear cupped my cheek. Something warm touched the area around my eyes and then pulled away.

Big brother.

Yes, Kallios. I’ll wake up after just a little more sleep. Just a little. Exactly five minutes…

My hazy consciousness sank slowly into the darkness.

The Duke’s room was… grand, but not stylish. It was tacky due to the excessive amount of gold leaf applied pointlessly, and the expensive-looking ornaments didn’t match the interior, standing out awkwardly. Is this what the room of a vulgar rich man looks like? There was nowhere for the eyes to rest. Everything was a focal point, making it distracting. I rubbed my eyes, which were swollen from sleeping too much. There was only one thing in this room I could look at with a peaceful heart: Duke Kallios Rotenmeyer, wearing new armor and the sword I had given him. When our eyes met, I gave a silly smile.

“Good morning. Are you leaving already?”

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

Kallios looked out the window. I followed his gaze. Hmm. I couldn’t see a thing.

“Thanks to them, the numbers have decreased significantly.”

Them? Not understanding, I just blinked, then nodded belatedly. Yesterday, I had ordered those knights to bring ten orc heads per person.

“How many did they catch?”

“The number confirmed before I came up was 826.”

“Are they pathetic, or are the orcs just strong?”

Even if their mindset was rotten to the core, they were still the Imperial Guard. To think they couldn’t even catch two per person.

“It is said that seventeen thousand orcs have formed a single horde.”

Five hundred men charging into a place where seventeen thousand orcs were gathered was indeed a suicide mission. But still, I couldn’t accept it. No, I hated it. Knights dared to save their own skins after their master gave an order? They should have gone and died. If they had actually died, I would have regretted giving such an order. But receiving a report that they merely put on a show and returned made me feel filthy. I rubbed my face hard with my hands and got out of bed.

Kallios brought over a silver tray. I looked at the food, which was far too modest to be served on silver platters and silverware, and asked:

“How is the financial situation?”

Watery soup, bread that looked hard as a rock, and a withered salad that seemed to be there just for the sake of completion. It was just raw vegetables without even a dressing. Since becoming Kaian—no, even in my previous life as a regular office worker—I had never seen such a shoddy meal. I took a sip of the soup. It tasted like nothing but burnt char, no matter what it was boiled with.

“It is not bad.”

“Have you always eaten like this?”

There was no answer. I tore at the hard, tough bread before just setting it back on the tray. Anger flared up as I recalled him eating two plates of steak back at the Imperial Palace.

“I am sorry.”

“It’s not your place to apologize.”

The ones who should apologize were the servants of the Duke’s castle who served their master this way, and the former Duke’s family who made this behavior seem normal. The latter were all dead, though.

Worried that Kallios would be concerned, I picked up the bowl of burnt soup and drank it all, then crunched through the withered greens. I left the tough bread alone. Thinking that I disliked the meal, Kallios cleared the tray from my sight the moment I set my hands down.

After Kallios, who had provided my meal, left, I immediately changed clothes and exited the room. I didn’t want to stay in that garish place for long, and I needed to grasp the current situation.

As soon as I stepped out, a knight attached himself to me. He was said to be the first knight to bring ten orc heads. I let his name slide. How was I to know if he killed ten by his own strength or if he stole the credit from his subordinates? Moreover, this guy was one of the knights who had committed insubordination under the pretext that “the master’s insight has been clouded.” I had no intention of keeping him by my side for long, so why bother remembering his name? Ignoring how he watched my reactions like a child who had caused trouble, I received the report.

As I had seen on my way here, the situation was grim. My mood soured further because the damage that wouldn’t have existed if the knights hadn’t acted on their own whims was significant. I handed a hastily written letter to the knight who acted as if he would kneel if I so much as looked at him.

“Go and bring Isaac here.”

“Yes, Your Majesty!”

The knight shouted with gratitude, like a man pardoned for a capital crime. In the letter, I wrote about the current situation in Rotenmeyer and the necessary support. I also included an order to revoke the knighthood of the man delivering the letter.

Well, it was mercy of a sort, sparing a man who deserved death and simply kicking him out.

While I was investigating the casualties among the mercenaries and soldiers, a group of wounded arrived. What dwelled on the faces of the soldier carrying his comrade and the mercenary who had lost an arm was fear. The infirmary tent, which had been as noisy as a market, went silent in an instant. The gloomy silence, broken only by the intermittent groans of someone hovering between life and death, was shattered by a mercenary who came running in late.

“A demon! A demon has appeared! We’re all going to die, all of us!”

He collapsed right after screaming like a madman. Only after seeing his fallen back did I realize both his arms were missing. The frozen doctor rushed to him, checked his pulse at the neck, and shook his head. It meant he was dead.

The terror delivered by the dead man covered the entire tent—no, the entire castle.

The screams of the wounded who couldn’t leave the castle and the constant desertion of those still intact continued. I belatedly recalled the words of the merchant with the mole.

– There’s a rumor that what’s actually there isn’t an Orc Lord.

My breath hitched.

Every action of mine related to Duke Kallios Rotenmeyer had led to a bad result. The tears I shed for his pain became the start of foul rumors; the suggestion I made for him to rest comfortably for a day turned him into a concubine. The knights I sent wishing for his burden to be lightened became instead a weight that persecuted him, and because I hurried to help him, I failed to hear what I needed to hear.

Someone caught me as I stumbled. A firm hand wrapped around my waist. The heat of a body against my back, breath on the back of my head, and the sudden stench of blood.

“Please go inside.”

It was my fault. My clumsy actions…

“It is alright.”

I let out my trapped breath. I didn’t know what expression to make. I didn’t know what to do. I was at a loss. I leaned my back against his chest.

“It is alright.”

It wasn’t alright. I was confused and pained, and I wanted to run away. I called for the Guardian in my mind. I just want to leave. I want to stop now. This isn’t the world I wanted anyway. But the Guardian did not speak to me. I wanted to go to my world. To my world with the little princess, the blunt Emperor, and the crybaby knight.

“Ah.”

I realized what the “regret” she had constantly mentioned was. I don’t know if the realization that flashed like lightning originated from within me or if she had implanted it. Either way, it wasn’t important. I stared blankly at my hands. I saw the bandage Lamier had tied. It had disappeared at some point and I had even forgotten about it.

This place was the dream of the sickly Kaian.

Kaian had wished for his own health and desired for Kallios, who had taken everything from him, to be miserable.

Resentment… is the darkest and heaviest of all human emotions.

This world, if forced to choose between my happiness and Kallios’s misery, would gladly choose the misery. My clumsy actions had no effect on his misfortune.

They had no effect at all.

Knowing nothing, the boy kissed my hair.

I… I felt a terrible, horrific sense of relief at the truth I had realized.

It wasn’t because I did something wrong that he was in this state. No matter what I had done, he would have been in pain. That was the fate this world had given him. It wasn’t because I was lacking or incompetent that he became like this, but because he was destined to live that way…

“Why are you crying, Your Majesty?”

I bowed my head while holding the arm that was wrapped around my waist.

For the first time since being born into this world, I wanted to die. He wiped the corners of my eyes with his rough hands. It was horrific to be comforted by him. It was loathsome. I wanted to die. I want to die.

Kallios, who had been wiping away the tears that poured down like the rain on the day we first met, turned me around and held me in his arms. The way he hid my crying face was so kind that it made me even more miserable. He told me it was okay. That it was okay. Even though he knew nothing. Stupid Kallios. Without even knowing what I was thinking.

What was even more painful was that even if he knew the truth, he would likely still treat me this way. Just like that other guy who, while embracing me as I flailed in surprise at a sudden flame, told me to give all the pain and suffering to him.

I missed him. I missed that guy so much. Kallios. When I called, Kallios answered. Yes, Your Majesty. No, the one I miss isn’t you…