Chapter 24: Meaning

In the past, before I was given a terminal diagnosis.

As I lived, there were times when this thought would come to mind.

‘……Why am I trying so hard?’

Why am I living like this?

Why on earth am I trying to change other people’s perspectives?

It wasn’t a thought that came to me all the time.

It was a question that came to mind once in a while as time went by.

In fact, it was a question that could be answered at any time.

Because I’m living.

After all, this is the life I’m living.

Whatever the reason, it’s a life I’ve already started living.

It would be much better to live with other people than to live being hated by everyone.

That was the answer to that question.

Because I thought that my current life as ‘Lian Trice’ was also my life.

“……What about now?”

However, this was only an assumption made when I was certain that I had a future.

I didn’t have a future.

The only time left was one year, which the doctor had declared with a regretful voice.

Even that one year was the only time left for me.

That’s why I set a goal.

I set the absurd goal that Layla had been shocked to hear: ‘Live comfortably and die when I have to.’

This goal itself had many contradictions to begin with.

The standard for ‘comfortable.’

And, the most appropriate ‘time to die.’

What is the standard for specifying this?

No, am I even qualified to specify that standard in the first place?

-……What was the reason?

I can’t even conclude the reason for my own actions.

I still haven’t figured out the reason.

I thought about it blankly for a long time, but I still haven’t figured it out.

The reason why I made Aria cry.

I still haven’t figured out the reason why I made Aria Trice, the younger sister of the character I possessed, Lian, cry.

If there’s anything I can think of at that time, it’s the incomprehensible nonsense that I somehow felt like I had to do that.

It was literally incomprehensible nonsense.

I had promised to live comfortably, and yet I openly touched Aria, who is closely related to the characters in the original work.

-……Looking at your expression, I feel like I’ve heard an answer to some extent.

It’s like Elena’s words when she looked at me with a subtle expression.

What on earth does that mean?

It means that I felt like I got an answer just from my expression.

I haven’t figured it out yet.

Even I, who was the subject of that action, still didn’t realize the reason for my actions.

What on earth does Elena. No, what does my fiancée know?

“…… Ugh.”

My head was spinning.

Problems that I still didn’t understand the reason for were overlapping each other, messing up my thoughts.

Why did I say things to Aria that I didn’t have to?

Why did I buy food for Damian, the original protagonist, who would obviously be annoying if he got involved?

You said you wanted to live comfortably.

You said you would just live comfortably until the time came and die.

You must have made that promise.

For some reason, I had acted in a way that was the exact opposite of living comfortably until now.

It felt strange.

It was so funny, but I felt so strange to myself.

It felt like I wasn’t myself.

It felt like someone else had entered me.

‘……That’s me.’

Even though I was the one who had possessed someone else’s body.

Even though I was none other than myself, possessing someone else’s body and pretending to be that person.

Once doubts begin, they spread endlessly.

Although I don’t know who made this sentence up, I thought that everyone who begins to doubt might be able to sympathize with this.

Because questions that I had never thought of before began to flow out to me one by one.

It was a strange feeling.

It was so strange that questions that I had never thought of before were now beginning to arise.

Now?

After already committing two contradictory actions?

Was Elena the trigger for these thoughts?

Or maybe, my mind was just upset and these thoughts just popped out in one go.

I still didn’t realize it.

Even though the person sitting in front of me had changed from Elena to Ellis, who was making a sour expression, I still didn’t realize it.

Was that why?

“……Ellis Akstra.”

“Are you finally realizing who the person in front of you is?”

“What is your reason for living?”

I asked Ellis, who was glaring at me with an empty voice.

“… What did you say? I think I misheard. Could you say it again?”

“I heard you correctly. What is your reason for living?”

“……Um, wait a minute. That was an unexpected question at such an unexpected time.”

Ellis looked slightly flustered.

As if she hadn’t expected me to ask her this question.

As if she hadn’t expected that she would suddenly be in a situation where she would have to answer this question.

After thinking about it for a while, Ellis carefully opened her mouth again.

“Okay. I’m living to achieve my goal.”

“… Goal?”

“Yes. Don’t most people? People who live their lives have at least one goal.”

“…”

“I thought you had a goal until recently. You were the one who worked me to death to get information about my past.”

Ellis glared at me as if she had just remembered that fact.

“……That’s right. You did.”

“Of course, that’s all over now.”

I nodded quietly at Ellis’s words.

She was right.

Until recently, my goal was to resolve all the incidents that Lian Trice had committed in the original.

‘……That’s a goal that’s already been achieved.’

As Ellis said, it was a goal that I’d already achieved.

It was a goal that I achieved the day before I was diagnosed with a terminal illness at the hospital.

Ellis looked straight at me as I nodded absentmindedly and said.

“I’ve answered your question, so shouldn’t it be your turn to answer mine?”

“…”

“The question itself is something I’ve asked you several times so far.”

“……Why did I suddenly change?”

“That’s right. Why did you suddenly start to fix your past mischievous behaviors? Why did you attend your academy classes diligently now?”

I’m still curious about that.

Ellis stared at me quietly, mumbling the next sentence.

……The reason.

Is it my imagination that the number of people asking me why has increased so much lately?

Ellis asking why I changed.

Laila asking why my goal was ‘to die comfortably.’

Aria asking why I went to the hospital.

Elena reading something from my expression even though I couldn’t answer the question of why.

Four people.

It may seem small, but it was a very large number to some.

The number of people I’ve interacted with while living as Lian Trice so far must have been less than ten.

A relative number.

If we look at it from a relative perspective, it was a very large number.

And, the commonality among these numbers was.

“Sorry, I can’t answer that yet.”

“…”

It was that I couldn’t give the truth to everyone who asked me why.

I didn’t answer to Ellis and Layla.

I lied to Aria about my wrist.

Finally, Elena didn’t even have a chance to answer.

Full of lies.

If I were to describe myself in one word, wouldn’t that word be a good fit?

As I was thinking this, I heard a deep sigh in front of me.

“Ah, that’s okay. I didn’t expect it.”

“…”

“I’m an idiot for asking you something you were curious about. I knew this would happen anyway.”

“……I’m a little sorry about that.”

“No. You don’t have to feel sorry. In fact, this gives me a goal.”

“……You have a goal?”

It was a pure question, a pure curiosity.

You have a goal? Just because I didn’t answer?

With this pure curiosity, I looked at Ellis, and Ellis answered with her characteristically bright red eyes.

“Yes. The goal of uncovering your secret someday. This has been added to one of my goals.”

“…”

“It’s a glorious honor, so you can be proud, right? You’ve been selected as one of my goals.”

“……Is that so?”

“Of course. You must know how great I am, right?”

Of course I knew.

The fact that the original Ellis Akstra was a great person.

I just didn’t express it directly.

Until now, my relationship with Ellis had only been a business relationship of exchanging information.

However, perhaps because the situation had changed a lot, somehow, Ellis and I had become comfortable and joking.

When did this start?

It must have been nothing at first.

It was natural to have such doubts.

‘……Can I find another goal?’

Then, it was natural to have such thoughts.

Can I find one?

A different goal, a different meaning to live.

There is little time left.

The remaining time is only a year, a very short time.

If I live comfortably, as my heart desires.

If I live the remaining time steadily with contradictory goals.

Wouldn’t even a meaningless person find meaning in life?

……Although I don’t know if it will happen before I die.

Suddenly, this thought occurred to me.

I didn’t want the woman in front of me to find out about this thought, so I joked in a low voice.

“It’s amazing. My identity was revealed to me by a mere scoundrel from the Academy.”

“…”

“And, I was held hostage by that scoundrel and gave him the information, so it’s amazing.”

“…I will definitely get revenge on you someday, so look forward to it.”

Ellis, who heard my provocation, gritted her teeth.

I looked at Ellis and lightly drew a curve at the corner of my mouth.

A meaningful smile.

It was a slight smile, but at least it had meaning.