Chapter 27: Overflowing Heart(9)

“The cause of death was acute myocardial infarction. It appears that he suffered cardiac arrest while driving and lost consciousness before the car fell over the guardrail.”

“If the report had been made quickly, I wouldn’t have known, but he was already dead when we arrived. I’m sorry.”

The shock is still vivid.

During the summer vacation of my second year of high school.

I sometimes remember that day so vividly that it almost feels like I can touch it.

That was the cause of my father’s death.

The most common cause of death in the world.

Cardiovascular disease.

My father, who worked as a construction engineer, suffered cardiac arrest due to acute myocardial infarction while on a business trip alone.

The car he was driving crashed into the guardrail at a corner and fell off the road.

A passing car discovered it a while later and reported it, but my father had already died.

There were many causes of cardiac arrest.

Large amounts of caffeine, smoking, overwork, and stress.

Because of the nature of my father’s job, he was vulnerable to all three.

He would drink Maxim instead of food, and he couldn’t quit smoking even when my mother told him to, and construction sites were much more stressful than regular work.

That winter, the temperature was unusually low compared to other years, and I heard that my father’s car heater broke down that day.

I found out later that cardiovascular disease is more likely to occur in the cold.

When the temperature drops rapidly, the blood vessels narrow, making it easy for cardiac arrest to occur.

So it was something that could have happened.

Common sense.

It was a separate story for me to accept it.

The first person to arrive at the funeral home after hearing the news was Ji-bin that day as well.

Ji-bin bowed with his parents and greeted his mother, who was the chief mourner, and then quickly came to find me.

I sat down on the floor in my mourning clothes like a dead body, rolling my eyes and looking at Ji-bin.

I had no strength left in my body.

I didn’t want to see anyone.

“…yu-ah.”

He called my name for a moment and then couldn’t continue.

Maybe it was because he saw my haggard eyes and face.

I knew what he wanted to say after that without even hearing it….

Are you okay?

But he didn’t bother to tell me that.

It was because he simply knew.

That I wasn’t okay at all.

He just stayed by my side.

Without saying a word, without going anywhere for three days, he just stayed by my side as I didn’t move an inch.

“Yu-ah. You have to eat something anyway… or you’ll collapse…!”

I didn’t eat or drink anything for the entire three days of the funeral.

My mom tried to force-feed me something, but I threw it all up.

“Ugh! Uweeek! Gulp gulp.”

I couldn’t even drink water properly.

But tears kept flowing from somewhere.

So my mom’s words really hit the mark.

I lost consciousness on the last day of the funeral due to dehydration.

I made my mom, who was already having a hard time, worry for no reason.

… Even my worthless daughter didn’t have a daughter like that.

When I woke up, I was in a hospital.

I realized that the reason I woke up was because of the IV drip in my arm.

As I lay in the pure white hospital bed, the memories of the past three days felt like a dream.

When I woke up, it wasn’t my mother but Ji-bin next to me.

“My mother is going to finish the remaining procedures, clean up with relatives, and come back soon. Stay with me in the meantime.”

Ji-bin’s parents had to go to work, and my mother had to finish the funeral.

It seemed like she had left me in Ji-bin’s hands because it was vacation.

“…”

As I came to my senses, tears suddenly flowed down my face again.

It seemed like my tear ducts had stopped functioning properly.

Ji-bin came over to me and gently wiped my eyes with a handkerchief after seeing the tears falling.

But my tears had no intention of stopping.

Ji-bin seemed to be contemplating what to do, but he just hugged me without saying anything.

It seemed like he had no idea what to say to me.

But he probably thought he couldn’t leave me alone.

My mind and body were getting weak, so I longed for the warmth of people.

I felt Ji-bin’s warmth and buried my face in his arms without realizing it.

Then he said to me in a trembling voice, “I’m sorry, Yu-ah.”

It wasn’t comfort.

It wasn’t encouragement.

It wasn’t sympathy.

The first thing he said to me was an apology.

Only then did I open my lips, which had been closed for three days, for the first time.

…Why on earth are you apologizing to me?

You didn’t do anything wrong?

I was curious about the reason.

I forced my voice, which wouldn’t come out, to connect my torn vocal cords.

“…Why? Why are you apologizing?”

Ji-bin’s body trembled as he held me at that question.

His shoulders were shaking.

He must have been crying.

“I don’t think I know how much you’re hurting…We’ve been together for years…I don’t think I can feel even a hundredth of the pain you’re feeling…I can’t even imagine how much you’re hurting…That’s so…I’m sorry.”

I don’t know.

Is it because I’m T?

Why does Ji-bin have to hurt as much as I do?

I didn’t know why he was crying while holding me.

I didn’t know why he was sorry.

… But I knew that those words comforted me more than any other words.

More than pitiful sympathy or consolation.

I realized for the first time that the words, “I’m sorry that I can’t hurt as much as you hurt, that I can’t share your pain,” were the most comforting.

“Sob… sob… sob euh… sob euh!”

At those words, my emotions almost burst, so I hugged Ji-bin tightly and cried like a baby.

I cried so sadly that my throat was sore, that the hospital room was leaving me.

It was a little different from the emotions I’d cried before, as if something was a little bit better.

It wasn’t a cry that held something back, but a cry that let out a little bit of emotion.

“Oh, what should I do… Ji-bin…!

My dad… me… what should I do now… sob… sob euh.”

The sentences didn’t continue.

I didn’t even know what I was saying.

I was just swept up in a torrent of emotions and told him everything.

But Ji-bin seemed to understand what I meant.

He patted my back as I cried sadly and spoke to me as if making a promise.

“I may not be as hurt as you are, but…at least I won’t leave you alone.”

“Until your wounds stop hurting…until that empty spot no longer hurts…I’ll be there for you.”

“I promise… I promise… really..”

That was the promise we made that day.

No, since I didn’t answer, it was a promise Ji-bin had unilaterally made to me.

Ji-bin’s behavior changed after that.

He pestered me and followed me around as if he was going to keep his promise.

“Go home. Now. I’m okay.”

Even when I tried to stay in the corner of the room alone,

“Hey. Why are you being so rude? Between us. Your house is my house and my house is my house.”

“That’s a blunt mind… you punk.”

During the vacation, he didn’t give me time to be home alone.

He wasn’t the most energetic kid, but he pretended to be energetic in front of me.

“There’s a new game that’s popular these days. It’s a game where you go to an island. Do you want to go play it with me?”

“Wow, yu-ah. Are you really that angry? Or that you can’t do this?”

“Hey. Did you see the new anime this quarter? There are a lot of fun ones. And I found a really pretty girl. Now she’s my girlfriend. I’ll introduce you.”

I had fun being with him.

I could let go of my worries.

At least I didn’t have time to sink into depression thinking about my dad.

Even after the vacation, Ji-bin’s actions continued.

“Why do you keep following me around? Because of you, the kids keep asking me if I’m dating. To me.”

“Then just say we’re dating. It’s too much of a hassle to explain.”

“Hey!”

He always accompanied me to and from school.

No matter how late I got off work, he waited in front of the classroom and always took me to my house.

He didn’t seem to care about the misunderstandings that arose because of that.

I knew that Ji-bin was copying my dad.

My dad, who worked on business trips and had irregular holidays, always came to pick me up in his car on his days off, saying that he wanted to be a dad even at times like this.

That wasn’t all.

On rainy days, when the academy finished late, he would bring me an umbrella late at night.

“Are you here now to bring me an umbrella? It’s past 10 o’clock?”

“Your dad always came out to pick you up when it rained.”

I could tell that he had run out in a hurry, wearing the clothes he used to wear at home.

Slippers soaked from the rain.

Hair disheveled.

A shabby T-shirt that he would wear at home.

Even his annoying-looking face didn’t seem unpleasant.

“I told you it’s okay to stop? Now? I’ve gotten a lot better. You’ve noticed it lately, too.”

“I don’t know. If you came to give me something, accept it nicely. Don’t be so nice and don’t be so picky.”

“Seriously. Sigh.”

Ji-bin’s actions were awkward at first, but they gradually became a familiar sight in my life.

Of course, he couldn’t really fill the void my father left behind.

Each and every one of his small actions slowly healed my heart.

I told Ji-bin not to do it because I felt sorry for him, but my true feelings were a little different.

Honestly, I liked it.

I was happy that he cared for me.

Because I knew better than anyone else.

Because I could feel my expression brightening up.

Because I knew that there were fewer days when I felt depressed thinking about my dad than before.

“What are you talking about? You should move the furniture together.”

“Hey… where did you hear that?”

“From my mom. I heard you talking on the phone with your mom. From now on, tell me first. Do you understand?”

Before I knew it, whenever there was something big at home, Ji-bin was there with me.

There was no family event that he didn’t take part in.

From moving to moving a small piece of furniture.

Ji-bin’s delicate hands were always present in our house.

It must have been from then.

That’s when my mom really started to think of Ji-bin as her own child.

And just the fact that there was one person, one person I liked and could rely on.

How much comfort I was receiving.

Ji-bin probably didn’t know………

And the more that happened, the more you treated me, the more I liked you.

Perhaps, you didn’t know.

***

And now.

“…..So how long are you going to do this? Every time.”

“What, what?”

“Stop feeling guilty every time you receive help from me. You promised me back then. I’ll take your father’s place.”

The fact that you haven’t forgotten that promise and have still taken care of me for several years.

The hand that strokes my hair as if nothing happened, as if it were cute.

The warm gaze that looks at me to relieve my guilt.

The affectionate words that come out of those dry lips …

Do you know that they light a fire in my heart?

“It’s a promise I made alone, and you never asked me to do it. I’m just doing it because I like it. So don’t be sorry. Do you understand?”

The fact that you came to my house to help make kimchi.

The fact that you came to take care of my lonely mother with me.

And the fact that you told me not to be sorry, saying that you didn’t expect anything from me.

I know that it was all for my own sake.

How, how could I not like you?

… I can’t do it anymore.

I can’t stand it anymore.

My feelings of liking you, of being grateful to you.

They piled up and piled up like snow for years.

Even the deep vessel of my heart, the barrier I built in the name of fear.

They overflow.

They crumble.

If it were now, if it were now when you don’t have a girlfriend.

Wouldn’t it be okay to reach out to you once more…

Wouldn’t it be okay to indulge my small greed of wanting to be closer than friends…

So I call out your name as you turn around and stop you.

I ball my trembling fists and say to you…

“Do you want to go out with me next week?”

I ask you out on a lame date.

Oh, but I failed in the middle.

This is so embarrassing.

Seriously.