The Choice of a Devoted Shadow

I placed my hand on the head of the sleeping Kaian. The neatly arranged hairstyle was similar, but the texture was entirely different. Big Brother was a man who spent all his energy just to breathe; no matter how well he ate or what products he applied, his thin hair was always brittle. But the Kaian sliding through my fingers was brimming with life to the very tips of his hair.

“Big Brother.”

The memories and emotions of the ‘other’ Kallios became tangled with my own.

That Kallios had wanted to kiss this hair. It wasn’t just the hair. He wasn’t satisfied with just looking; he wanted to touch, lick, and possess every inch of him, both visible and hidden.

“Mmm…”

Kaian tossed and turned, letting out a small moan. It was nothing—just a sound made in sleep—but it sent a chill down my spine. I touched the ear that was exposed as he lay on his side. Just putting my finger in the hollow and tracing its shape made my heart beat violently.

The other Kallios had lusted after the sight of Kaian sleeping defenselessly in his bed. He wanted to climb on top of him immediately. Embracing him wasn’t enough. He wanted to lick and devour him down to the deepest parts no one else knew. Kallios’s dark red eyes flickered with desire.

I know how sweet and ecstatic the inside of that slightly parted mouth felt. I wanted to suck and nibble on his tongue. When I rubbed the roof of his mouth with the tip of my tongue, he used to make sounds that sounded like he was acting spoiled.

Your Majesty. Kaian.

Big Brother.

I withdrew the hand that had been touching his ear as if exploring a secret place. My lower body felt stiff.

Whose desire was this?

I could swear I had never looked at Big Brother with such eyes. Big Brother was a man who fell ill whenever the wind grew slightly cold. The desires one could harbor for a man who found it burdensome to live every single moment were extremely limited.

I simply wished for Big Brother to keep living. I wanted him to stay there, looking at me and smiling. I couldn’t wish for more than that. I shouldn’t have.

But the Kaian here was…

“Wake up.”

As if possessed, I leaned down and kissed his closed eyes.

That simple touch… was dizzyingly good.

I slowly backed away, distancing myself from Kaian. A table and a chair stood away from the bed. That was my place. No one had decreed it so.

It was simply that if I didn’t do it that way, we couldn’t be together.

“Big Brother.”

I collapsed into the chair. I sighed as I watched him lying with his back turned toward me.

The breath I exhaled was far too hot.

I left the other Kallios to move as he pleased. It wasn’t because of the Guardian’s words that it would end soon. I wanted what he wanted, and he moved as I desired.

As the chaotic time flowed by, both Kallioses thought the same thing.

I will do what you could never do.

And I will have what you could never have.

Kallios looked at him.

He smiled at Kallios. Kallios didn’t know what expression to make, so he just watched before belatedly reaching out. Even for a Sword Master’s body, injuries could not be overcome; he collapsed faster than the hand could reach. He crumbled powerlessly.

Why?

How?

I knew he had come. I expected him to come. It was earlier than I thought, but better than being late. But to end like this…

Breathe.

Breathe.

Yes. First, I had to breathe.

I had to pull myself together. This was the end for the ‘other’ Kallios, not for me. Even as my arm was cut and my leg torn, I drew out the power I had saved. The sword flickering with red aura took the head of the approaching demon. It was a hollow end for someone who had pushed things this far. I shook off the demonic energy mixed with the red aura and approached him.

Big Brother, why…

So many words—whether questions or resentments—flooded my mind that I couldn’t speak them.

Did you grow that attached after only seeing him for a few days? Was Kallios Rotenmeyer so precious that you would throw away the life you so desperately wanted to live? Are you going to waste the life I gave you like that? It is mine, I gave it to you, so why, Big Brother, to me, why on earth did you…

The look of death was clear in his wide-open eyes.

At that moment, the other Kallios thought there was no time to delay.

I wanted to kill that b*stard immediately.

But the body moved regardless of my will.

I raised the sword high. It was the early dawn when the sun was just beginning to rise. A faint light flowed along the blade. It was the sword Kaian had given to that Kallios. Despite dozens of battles, the blade was not chipped and remained sharp. It was a relief. That Kallios did not have enough strength left to wrap aura around a dull blade.

“Now.”

The other Kallios spoke, mimicking a kindness he had only experienced once in his life.

“Wake up, Big Brother.”

There was no answer. It was only natural, as the organs meant for speaking were all filled with blood. But he wanted to hear his voice.

The one who had looked at his old scars and felt as if his own flesh were being cut.

The one who was so kind… so kind that he had no choice but to love him. He wanted to hear the voice of his Emperor calling him.

The other Kallios looked at the sky as if performing a solemn ritual.

He remembered the first time he saw him. It was a memory from not so long ago. He was beautiful and gentle. He had the characteristic selfish behavior of someone raised to be pampered, but there was no malice, so he wasn’t hateful.

But what left the deepest impression was what came next.

He was the only person in this world who had ever cried for him.

The man who had shed tears as if the world were collapsing over just a few marks engraved on his body.

He was used to the touch of someone cupping his cheek. People who wanted a “casual night” with him often signaled that way. They would offer unrequested sympathy as they pleased, and in return, they took his body. Was his interest like that too?

He gave his answer by offering the best room.

He didn’t feel disappointed. Even if it were an act to take his body, it was fine.

It was a strange feeling to have someone else’s tears soak his head and shoulders.

Since he had been made to feel such a thing, he thought he had been paid enough—no, more than enough.

He had been wrong.

He told him he didn’t have to do what he didn’t want to do. He was the first person to ever say such a thing. Even though Kaian must have been in a perplexing situation (of course, he didn’t know that at the time; he had thought of it later while standing blankly after being held by him), he spoke and moved for the other Kallios, not himself.

That Kallios remembers the sound of sobbing leaking through the gap of the closed bathroom door.

What was so mournful and what was so painful?

Who am I? What am I that someone like him would…

The night spent doing nothing but staying close and sharing body heat was so long. It was so short.

But it was so good.

…

I know now that he gave his heart because that Kallios resembled me.

It was fine.

That Kallios regretted not collecting and saving his tears.

It was fine.

That Kallios felt the rage surging within him. It was mine. The arrogance of claiming him as mine and the annoyance at the things I didn’t have made me want to kill him… but now, even this was fine.

Yes. Everything was fine.

The other Kallios thought: It doesn’t matter now.

Because he had realized the reason why his life had been so difficult and painful.

It was all to meet him.

It was a bit sad to realize it so late, but it was okay. There were many people in the world who died without ever knowing the reason for their lives. He didn’t care about others’ deaths, but anyway… yes. Everything was fine.

So, the other Kallios smiled and opened his chest. And he offered everything to his Emperor.

It was something I could never have done.

I won. Kallios Capre Arnevus.

When Kaian opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was my expressionless face.

The twenty-year-old Kallios, sleek from eating and wearing only the best. The Kallios he had wanted to keep seeing. Kaian slowly closed and opened his eyes. I hadn’t disappeared; I was right there. I seemed a bit angry for some reason, but Kaian’s situation was too urgent to worry about that.

Kaian suddenly threw his arms around my neck and hugged me.

“Kallios…”

I felt my shoulder grow wet in an instant and patted Kaian’s back. Kaian couldn’t seem to organize what he wanted to say, only mumbling “Ah, that, I,” before eventually sobbing.

I stopped the patting and hugged Kaian with all my might. As if he had been waiting, Kaian also put strength into his arms. Since he was clinging to me with his thin, weak body… my heart softened a little. I buried my face in his hair.

Though it was covered in the filth of someone who deserved to die, this was finally my other half returned to me.