Guilt and Homecoming

Tears fell. I didn’t know why. They just poured out, so I didn’t stop them. He—my brother, whom I had missed occasionally and longed for frequently—held me. So tightly it was hard to breathe. A sense of certainty washed over me that the long dream had finally ended. I was back.

“Big Brother.”

He called me. The same call I had heard at the end of the dream. In the end, it was you. You had come to fetch me. A surge of resentment for why you hadn’t come sooner and the relief that you were here now hit me all at once. I leaned my cheek against his shoulder and sobbed for a long while.

I slumped, completely drained of energy. Belatedly, I realized sitting in Kallios’s lap while being held was a bit embarrassing, but it felt silly to try and maintain dignity now. I had just been bawling like a child and was still hiccuping from the aftereffects.

Kallios… as if he didn’t find me ridiculous at all, wiped my face with his usual expression and tucked away the hair stuck to my forehead. I looked up at him as he focused intently on moving my hair as if it were the most important task in the world, then looked away when our eyes met. I pulled at his clothes to hide my face. It really was embarrassing.

[You should have come out sooner.]

I heard the Guardian’s voice. I just closed my eyes. It wasn’t that I was trying to pretend I hadn’t heard; I was genuinely exhausted. I felt like I could stay bedridden for a whole week. It had been a long time since I felt this way after waking from a long sleep. But I actually welcomed it. I wanted to sleep without thinking. For as long as possible.

I reached out and touched his cheek. His smooth left cheek, with nothing on it. I felt like tears might come again, but this time it was manageable.

Kallios Capre Rotenmeyer.

That boy… since he was twenty-seven, maybe calling him a ‘boy’ is a bit much. But despite being so tall, he was more immature than my Kallios. My Kallios had been a sharp, stoic kid since he was ten. He never needed any looking after. Even if he had the personality for it, I wouldn’t have been able to do much for him anyway.

But that boy was someone who needed a lot of care. He didn’t know how to smile or cry. I wanted to do more for him. But that was something not permitted to me. Kallios, I’m sorry, I whispered, unable to help myself.

“Big Brother. Stop crying.”

I buried my face in his chest and just nodded.

In truth, I had no right to cry. I had given up the moment I realized I could do nothing. If that boy couldn’t be happy, I was going to be miserable with him. If the end of his despair was death, I was going to die with him. I didn’t want to leave him alone in that world. Let’s die together. If I had said that, what kind of expression would he have made? Would he have knelt and kissed the top of my foot like he did then?

“Don’t think about it. It was… just a dream.”

Perhaps because my heart was in pain, Kallios’s voice sounded pained as well. I nodded again. He hugged me tightly once more. I reached out and stroked his head. The hair was the same color as the other’s, but the texture tickling my fingers was different.

I had intended to die with that boy… but I wouldn’t have been able to kill him myself. Yet this guy—who knows why he was there—showed up and dirtied his hands for me.

Appearing exactly when needed to offer a strange sort of consideration. My precious younger brother. As if he had learned it somewhere, he rubbed his head against my palm like he was acting spoiled. Only then did I let out a small laugh.

[The reward… it seems you’ve already taken care of it yourself.]

Realizing that I had found some composure, the Guardian spoke. I only blinked my heavy eyelids slowly.

[The punishment… you’ve also received it on your own. This Arnevus is quite commendable.]

I let go of his collar and turned my head. The Guardian was smiling at us as if she found this amusing.

“Punishment?”

The Guardian didn’t seem inclined to answer and began to walk slowly.

I realized that we weren’t in the ‘pitch-black space’ or ‘ruin cave’ from the original story. It was a place like a temple, with pure white pillars and no ceiling. It was obvious what the murals and carvings symbolized. Humans and dragons. The founding Emperor Kaian and Capre.

Kallios blocked my view of the Guardian and the unfamiliar place. The hand covering my eyes was cool. Were my eyes very swollen? Or maybe he noticed I was half-asleep.

“What punishment?”

But because of those nagging words, I didn’t want to sleep just yet.

In the original story, Lamierre Weaver obtained an orb that allowed him to control ‘water power,’ likely the power of the Water Dragon. It would be an item similar to ‘Capre’s Breath.’ And what did Kallios get? Was it a bracelet or a necklace? Anyway, he received an artifact that formed a shield. Since not only the protagonist Lamierre Weaver but even the villain Kallios came out with something, I assumed this dungeon always gave gifts. But a punishment?

“Reward?”

And a reward? Already received? I hadn’t even answered the third question yet.

I stroked the back of Kallios’s hand which was still covering my eyes. He stayed still for a moment before moving his hand. I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them. He was looking at the Guardian. His face was expressionless, but he seemed angry. Whether he was intending to use his Dragon Blood, a red energy was flickering in his eyes and… the hand he had lowered to the ground. I leaned my head against his shoulder to stop him. Hyung is tired, don’t do that. I immediately grabbed his hand, from which the aura had vanished, with both of mine.

The Guardian, who had slowly circled the temple once, plopped down next to a pillar and spoke.

[Thanks to you, the day my home disappears has drawn closer.]

I looked up at Kallios. What is it? Did you pull out a temple pillar or something?

Caprejena was a wealthy country, and the Imperial family’s finances were plenty. Of course, the pillars and paintings looked expensive, but we would have things like that at home too. Or rather, if the Imperial Fortress in the ‘dream’ was the same as ours, we had them. They were everywhere.

“How do we leave?”

Kallios didn’t seem curious about the Guardian’s cryptic words. I was, though.

“Wait a minute. What does that mean?”

[The dream of the one brought by your other half will soon end as well. Just wait a little.]

I checked the surroundings. I was looking for a spot where a pillar had disappeared. But there were no gaps, as if nothing was missing. The same went for the appropriately placed paintings and ornaments. Well. My Kallios wasn’t the type of person to be greedy for things like this. Maybe if it were books.

I looked back at the Guardian. She explained in a leisurely tone.

First was the explanation of the dream. She said what I experienced was a dream, but not a dream.

A world created using the power of Capre pooled in the ruins and the power of my blood—a world that was temporary, but certainly existed during that time. Kallios tried to stop her explanation several times, but I listened to the story until the end.

After hearing it, a deep sadness washed over me.

Perhaps I could have seen a better result. If I hadn’t sent him to the West. If I had arrived sooner. If I had woken up earlier and stopped him from leaving. No, if I had chosen to leave everything and run away… No, forget it. Unless I could dream that dream from the beginning again… No, would things have improved even then, really.

I was afraid to go back to that dream.

I hated that world that made him suffer. The world that returned for the despair of that boy who had the exact same face as my brother was disgusting. Thinking of the helplessness I would feel inside it made my heart ache.

[Anyway, so… how does it feel to have a sturdy heart?]

Kallios wiped my wet eyes with his finger. I blinked my eyes open. What does the fact that the dream briefly existed have to do with my heart becoming sturdy?

He pulled me into his chest as if hiding my face.

When I pressed my ear to his chest, I heard his heartbeat. Listening to the sound beating a bit fast and loudly, I realized. I don’t know the method, but anyway… Kallios had extended my life once before as well.

“You don’t have to listen anymore.”

[D*mned fellow. You take half my power and say he doesn’t have to listen?]

“You will be there when you wake up from your sleep.”

I ignored the sound of the Guardian clicking her tongue and placed my hand on my chest. It was slower than his and seemed a bit weaker, but it was beating surely. I had been in a healthy body throughout the long dream, and after coming back I hadn’t noticed because I was busy crying. But listening to the Guardian’s words, it certainly felt like it had become sturdier.

Kallios covered my hand with his, then interlocked our fingers and moved them. Over his own heart. Thanks to that, the tears that were about to well up receded.

“Why?”

I asked, looking up.

“Rest, Big Brother.”

A kind but firm answer came back, different from the one I had asked for. I just wiggled my captured hand before nodding. My body and mind were exhausted; I was truly at my limit. As soon as I decided to sleep, drowsiness flooded in. I closed my eyes while listening to his heartbeat echoing in my ear. The arms holding me firmly and the shoulder letting me lean without shaking were reassuring, so I fell asleep quickly.

I opened my eyes inside a carriage. Blankly, I looked at the empty seat opposite me before pushing off the thigh I had been using as a pillow to sit up. Kallios withdrew the hand that had been touching my hair.

“Lie down a bit longer.”

I contemplated for a moment then shook my head. It was hard to keep my eyes open and my head felt heavy. My body also felt stiff from being curled up. This… was the discomfort of sleeping too much. I let out a groan and stretched. Even if I were to sleep again, it seemed better to be awake for now. There were things I needed to check.

As I rubbed my eyes, dried fragments of tears that had stuck to my eyelashes fell away. I must have cried again in my sleep. Feeling embarrassed, I rubbed over my eyelids with both hands, but he grabbed both my hands and pulled them down.

“You’ll hurt yourself like that.”

“Not with just this much.”

I was going to say I wouldn’t get hurt. But when our eyes met, I was speechless. It was because the twenty-seven-year-old boy with the s*ave’s brand on his left cheek and this guy overlapped. The boy I gave up on. The boy I left behind in the dream. The boy who died.

I covered and pressed down on both eyes with my palms. My swollen eyes felt hot. That boy died. Kallios… killed him for me. Because I had wished for his death. Because I felt so sorry and pained for him that I didn’t want to leave him alone in a world without me. The moment Kallios’s sword pierced that boy’s chest, I felt relieved. I thought it was a relief that I didn’t have to linger on that dmned dream, that shtty world anymore.

He grabbed the hands that were clawing at my eyes. He also grabbed the hands that were clutching the fabric of my chest and scratching as if to dig out the flesh.

“Big Brother.”

“Kallios. I feel a bit… a bit like I’m going to throw up. Ah. I, I feel sick…”

He stopped the carriage for me. I immediately shook him off and jumped out. I leaned against a tree standing outside the dirt path and threw up. Only bile came up from my stomach, which was empty as I hadn’t eaten. Blood rushed to my head and it felt like my eyes were going to pop out, but I was so disgusted with myself that I couldn’t stand it. I killed that boy. I was the one who killed him. Dmn it, really, fck. He held me as I swayed and gagged, having barely spat anything out. It’s okay, Big Brother, he said incessantly. What’s okay. What. Nothing is okay. I’m just so horrible. It’s so disgusting. I’m like such trash. I, really, so…