Chapter 29: The Comfort of Destruction

I hate being nagged.

I don’t like it when people who don’t even know me try to judge me by their own moral standards.

What does it matter to them who I hurt, where I cause trouble, or where I drink?

Whenever someone on DC started nagging like that, if they had a registered nickname, I would relentlessly target them, and if they were anonymous, I’d engage in a five-hour argument.

Even in real life, if someone told me to drink less or swear less, I’d immediately show my displeasure or storm out.

That’s just my rebellious nature.

What do they even know about me?

It just… just makes me angry. No matter the other person’s attitude or what they’re trying to say, I just end up getting mad.

…

There was no doubt about it.

Nothing has changed between then and now.

But why…

– “Are you listening, Moon I-hyun?”

– “Hic… Yes…”

Why is it so scary now?

Right after the stream ended, I got a call from Song Chae-hyun.

I thought she was going to scold me about the mask and tongue incident, but that wasn’t all.

– “I-hyun, you need to cut back on the swearing.”

– “…Why…”

I thought I said it in a challenging tone, but my voice came out so small, it felt like it might not even carry over the phone.

With the firm tone of Song Chae-hyun, I couldn’t help but feel a little intimidated.

Why am I acting like this?

I used to be fearless, even if I had to fight for hours over the phone after revealing my number.

– “You should use nicer words. When you curse like that, the viewers think it’s okay to do the same. They start misbehaving, cursing, harassing…”

– “But… it’s fine.”

– “No, it’s not fine. I saw your eyes get a bit teary when you were looking at the chat while wearing the mask.”

– “…”

How did she know?

It’s true that I had felt a surge of emotions—maybe shame, or something I couldn’t quite explain—that caused a few tears to well up in my eyes.

But how did she notice? I’d tried so hard not to show it, and none of the viewers had picked up on it either.

– “You need to draw the line, I-hyun. If you don’t—”

As I listened to her nagging, astonished by Song Chae-hyun’s keen observation, a sudden wave of frustration rose within me.

Wait a minute.

Why do I have to listen to this?

I’m a fully grown adult, and this is my own business. Isn’t it strange for Song Chae-hyun to interfere like this?

As I thought that, I felt a bit of courage rise.

Yeah, I should speak up.

– “It’s my choice…”

– “What?”

– “Hic… Ah, nothing.”

She’s terrifying…

She really is scary.

Even though we’re both women, her low voice and firm tone make her feel like an entirely different species.

It’s frustrating.

But what can I do?

I don’t think I can handle this on my own.

At this rate, my stream might turn into something squeaky clean…

I need backup.

Yu Ji-eun.

Yeah, if it’s Yu Ji-eun, she’ll take my side, right?

– “Anyway, you need to cut back on the swearing. Seriously. It’s like the broken windows theory—if you let one thing slide, people go wild—”

– “Um, excuse me…”

– “Hmm?”

– “How about… getting someone else’s opinion too? Like Ji-eun unnie.”

– “Yu Ji-eun? Oh, no—”

Before Song Chae-hyun could finish, I hurriedly switched to a group voice chat with Yu Ji-eun.

Please, pick up…

Thankfully, the ringing didn’t last long, and the call connected.

– “Ji, Ji-eun unnie!”

– “Why did you call? …And why a group voice call? If you wanted to talk, you could’ve called me directly.”

– “Well, you see…”

I quickly explained the situation to Yu Ji-eun.

After listening quietly, she responded.

– “Why? I think it’s fine.”

– “Huh?”

– “Oh, I mean, it’s okay. For I-hyun’s stream, I think it’s within safe limits.”

– “Right?”

As expected, there’s no one like Yu Ji-eun.

Song Chae-hyun is a good person, but she’s just too rigid.

– “Ji-eun, you really…”

– “You heard that, right? That’s how internet streaming works.”

I gloated a bit as I said that.

– “I’m just kidding. But, honestly, what Chae-hyun said isn’t entirely wrong.”

– “…Huh?”

– “Have you seen the community posts? It’s chaotic. You might want to hold back a little. Especially since you’re already mentally drained.”

– “Ugh!”

Even you, Yu Ji-eun?

But the mask and the tongue thing weren’t intentional…

– “It… It wasn’t on purpose with the mask and the tongue…”

The responses came at me from both sides at the same time.

– “Liar.”

– “That’s definitely a lie. There’s no way a woman would do that unconsciously…”

Is that really what women are like?

I couldn’t exactly say, “I’m not a woman,” in response to that.

So, reluctantly, I said,

– “Okay. I’ll try to hold back a little.”

– “It’s not about holding back—you need to stop altogether. Actually, yeah, starting there seems like a good idea.”

– “Well, if we’re done here, I’ve got some things to finish up, so I’ll go now.”

Yu Ji-eun didn’t say anything for a moment, and then suddenly, with a little laugh, she added:

– “Don’t forget to call me tonight, okay?”

And with that, she left the call.

– “…What? What does that mean? I-hyun, what did she mean by that?”

– “It’s… just a thing.”

How am I supposed to explain the constant surveillance of my every move due to voice phishing?

– “What do you mean, ‘just a thing’? Explain, I-hyun. Are you guys calling each other every night?”

Song Chae-hyun’s voice suddenly shifted to a panicked tone, rambling on.

…

Isn’t she being a little too concerned?

I know she’s naturally like this, but her constant interference is starting to get a little annoying.

I don’t hate it, but isn’t she overstepping a bit?

I’m an adult.

She scolds me whenever I try to argue back, but it’s fine when she does it? How unfair.

Maybe I should tease her a little.

– “Unnie, do you like me or something?”

– Pfft!

– “…Unnie?”

I heard a spitting sound from the other side of the call.

– “Ah, sorry. I was drinking water and… I was startled. Sorry, let me grab a towel real quick.”

After saying that, Song Chae-hyun quickly left and came back.

But even after she returned, there was an awkward silence for a while.

…

What’s going on? Was it really that shocking?

I said it as a joke because I figured she’d feel uncomfortable hearing something like that from the same gender.

I remember when I was still a guy, my younger brother said something similar to me once, and I gave him a light smack out of sheer annoyance.

But he never contacted me again after that. I felt bad, thinking maybe I hit him too hard.

…

There was a few seconds of silence before I heard Song Chae-hyun’s careful voice.

– “Why did you think that, I-hyun?”

Why does she sound so serious all of a sudden?

– “Uh, huh? Oh, it was just a joke. Hehe… I was just a bit upset and wanted to mess with you… I’m sorry.”

At that, Song Chae-hyun fell silent for a moment before saying, “You’re running an extra 500 meters this week.”

– “What? What!? Why…!”

Feeling frustrated, I turned to my favorite coping mechanism: ego-searching. I hadn’t done it today, but Yu Ji-eun’s words made me curious.

I opened DC Inside and searched for my nickname in the Bell Gallery and Broadcaster Gallery. Plenty of posts showed up. However, no one on DC would bother typing out my full nickname, “High School Graduate, Unemployed, Virgin Loser Cutie,” so I searched for key terms individually:

Search history:

• High school grad
• Unemployed
• Virgin
• Loser
• Not a virgin
• Cute girl

I knew I shouldn’t be doing this, but I couldn’t help myself. When you hear someone talking behind your back, you don’t walk away—you listen harder. The internet just makes it easier to eavesdrop, so there’s no reason not to.

After searching through various combinations, I found that the posts with “not a virgin” had the most results. Bastards.

I clicked on the top post, marked with stars, indicating it was popular.

Post:
“Non-virgin cute girl mask ahegao.gif”
(The gif shows me pulling up my mask and sticking out my tongue)

“Holy crap… haha…”

655 upvotes, 3 downvotes.

Comments:

• “So hot, lololol.”
• “Come on, guys. You really think she’s still a virgin after this?”
• “Her eyes aren’t doing the ahegao, though.”
• “Her mouth is.”
• “Not a virgin for sure, haha.”

I read every comment. It wasn’t just out of the natural tendency to listen in on gossip but also something else… To be honest, it didn’t make me entirely happy, but it didn’t make me entirely upset, either.

It felt like a mix of rejection with half-acceptance when people called me cute or pretty.

At least they were talking about me.

It made me feel… important. Even though it was mostly cruel comments, it felt good knowing people were paying attention to me. However, the more I read, the more tears welled up in my eyes. My heart pounded, and my breathing quickened.

As I continued scrolling, a creeping sense of shame started to overwhelm me, but I couldn’t stop myself.

I kept reading until I’d gone through every new post today.

My eyes shifted toward an app pinned on the taskbar. The file explorer. I stared at it blankly.

“Alright, let’s do it.”

After the deed was done, I cleaned up the tissue mess around me. I’d gotten used to this now—figuring out the best way to handle the aftermath.

I laid back, exhausted, and stared at the ceiling.

Besides the weirdly pleasant feeling of knowing people liked me, there was something else—an eerie sense of my heart tightening. It was like some form of masochistic satisfaction, a kind of mental self-harm. Stirring up trouble online, checking every sexually harassing comment even though I dreaded them, cutting myself—all of it was interconnected in some way.

I found comfort in the way people harassed me. It was like a twisted form of self-harm.

It felt like standing naked in the middle of a public street, letting people come by and slice me with sharp knives. It was a dream I’d always had—being comfortable at the very bottom.

Happiness only made me anxious. That’s how it had always been.

Even when I met Yu Ji-eun, even when I met Song Chae-hyun.

“Ugh… hic…”

Once again, I dragged a few long red lines across my skin.

It was the only way I knew to cool down the lingering heat in my body.