Resolve to Survive

Time flowed by; the surroundings went from noisy to quiet, and from quiet back to noisy again.

I remained collapsed on the ground, my unfocused gaze still resting on the darkness beyond the iron bars.

Everything was over; because of my own arrogance, because of my carelessness, because I was too lazy to think, and because I allowed my eyes to be blinded by emotion.

Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang!

A piercing hammering sound came from not far away, but I no longer cared, though the entire space seemed to boil because of this noise.

Oil lamps flickered, and several points of light emerged in the dark space.

The shadows of several people… or rather, the shadows of snake-men, were moving about.

They worked in pairs; one holding a bucket and the other a ladle, seemingly doing something in front of each cage.

Soon, they reached the cage I was in.

First, they toyed with the cat-people at the other end of the cage for a while, and finally, their mocking gazes settled on me, wandering over me wantonly.

I didn’t even look them in the eye… or rather, I no longer even had the will to drive this body, let alone look at them.

Splash!

The snake-man holding the ladle splashed the contents scooped from the bucket directly onto me.

Fish.

Or rather… dead fish.

Those dead fish, each smaller than a palm, were splashed onto me along with the water.

The fishy stench mixed with the smell of sour slop, covering my entire body and even my long hair.

“Hee hee hee!” “Hee hee hee!”

Seeing this state, the two snake-men chuckled incessantly.

What did this kind of humiliation matter now?

It… didn’t matter anymore.

Nothing was left, everything was finished; I was only a step away from death.

“Meow…” “Meow meow!”

Not far away, the three cat-people were continuously picking up the dead fish splashed on the ground and gnawing on them.

Their desperate posture of seeking survival made me feel an unconscious sense of irony.

That posture—how was it any different from me in the past, enduring all humiliations and scratching out a living while being mocked by everyone?

There was no difference.

Yet I, while slaughtering in the Hero War, had gradually forgotten.

After finally becoming a Hero, I had completely cast it to the back of my mind.

“Reaping what I sowed, hmmm… hahaha…”

I mocked my foolish self, yet for some reason, tears began to flow.

I don’t… want to accept this…

Even if I am reaping what I sowed, I don’t want to face the facts.

I sacrificed so much, finally… finally reaching that step…

God, can you give me one more chance…

Even knowing it was impossible to realize, my heart still refused to accept the reality.

‘Give me one more chance, I would choose differently… I wouldn’t meet Rista, I wouldn’t go to see her alone…’

With my mind running at high speed, I involuntarily imagined myself after becoming a Hero, crushing everyone who once looked down on me one by one.

That was probably the brain’s autonomous defense against setbacks… fantasies, such fake happiness, would eventually become a blade sharper than any tool, piercing through the chest.

Reality does not care whether you accept it or not; as long as you open your eyes, it is there waiting for you.

Despair, collapse; reality seems to exist for exactly that purpose.

Gurgle gurgle…

My empty stomach let out its complaint.

However, placed before me was only the food material stained all over my body and the little bit remaining on the floor.

The most cruel part of reality is nothing other than forcing you to accept it.

Dying is the easiest thing in the world.

“Surely they are eating a sumptuous meal right now.”

Originally… the person eating there should have been me.

“Seriously… why don’t I just die.”

Starting from that cliff, my life should have ended; that way, I wouldn’t have to endure the current pain…

—Do you really want to die?

Another voice echoing in my heart interrupted my thoughts.

—If you really wanted to die, there are no less than a hundred ways to commit suicide right now.

“…”

—You’re silent; you’re indifferent, aren’t you?

No one wants me to live.

Not my childhood friend, not my former friends, not even that hypocritical prince.

—Exactly, they even wish you were dead.

In fact, they certainly made sure of it.

—Since that’s the case, wouldn’t dying right now finish the job for them?

Yes, that’s right.

—No matter how much pain, no matter how many troubles, once dead, you don’t have to think about any of it.

Yeah… I could finally stop this useless thinking.

—In that case, it would be exactly as the others wished, hahaha!

“…!”

Thump-thump!

My heartbeat intensified.

—No one expects you to live, everyone wishes you would die. Born without a magic circuit, without any martial talent; with a life like this, what do you still dream of doing?

I became a Hero candidate, and then I stood out from that war to become the final—!

—You were pushed down, weren’t you?

I, I…

—Self-righteous, relaxing at will, thinking things were over and letting your guard down; do you want to use such excuses to gloss it over?

No! I didn’t! I sensed it, but it was because she was someone I loved that I—!

—So you stopped thinking; that is your excuse.

“…”

—Want to die, don’t you?

I do.

—Do you really?

Stop asking.

—Planning to use death to escape all reality, right?

…Enough, stop talking.

—Death is truly a very good way out.

Shut up…

—It fulfills the wishes of others.

Shut up…

—And it’s a very suitable destination for a cowardly fellow.

“Shut up—!”

—Because you don’t have the guts to resist reality at all, do you?

“…”

No.

Thump-thump!

From a long time ago, I have never stopped.

—Yes, from a long time ago, the war with reality hasn’t ceased for a single moment.

Whether it was crawling out of a hometown swallowed by raging flames.

—Or being driven out of the city by the guards.

Whether it was fleeing from an arrest for a non-existent crime.

—Or working hard and enduring humiliation for years in prison.

Struggling, biting through the bitterness, enduring.

Even if there was only a fleeting hope.

I gave everything for the moment I grasped.

Being alive.

And then, living on.

—Do you still want to die?

It’s painful.

—Death is a release.

I know.

—But, right?

Gurgle gurgle…

My stomach let out an empty wail again; within my sight was only that puddle of dead fish that couldn’t even be called food.

—Everyone wants you to die.

The people who took everything from me time and time again.

—Think of your current pain.

I am enduring it.

—Then think of those people right now, feasting and laughing.

That… was originally my place…

—Why did it become like this?

“I know.”

Using my hands bound by rope, I scooped up the food.

“Because I stopped thinking.”

The current pain is nothing but my own doing.

—So, do you still want to die?

“…”

Drip.

A tear streaked across my cheek and dripped onto the dead fish in my palm.

I will not do as they wish.

—Yes, you cannot.

I will swallow all the current pain.

—That’s right, engrave all the humiliation and anger into yourself.

Unforgivable… those people, no matter which one, are unforgivable, unforgivable!

My teeth savagely tore the meat from the belly of a dead fish.

Foul water, rotten meat, and the stench invading my nasal cavity mixed; a surge almost ready to burst from my twisted stomach reached my throat.

A strong feeling of nausea.

…Eat it.

I commanded my body.

Kaka…

My trembling jaws began to chew mechanically.

Swallow it…

Whether from resentment or disgust, tears were pouring out continuously. I clenched my fist and pounded my chest, tightly closing my mouth to block the urge to vomit at any moment.

Gulp…

I could feel the fish meat passing from my throat past my lungs; staring fiercely at the few remaining pieces on the ground, I reached out my hand again.

I must live on.

Pour all of this pain into my body.

Remember it, absolutely, never forget it again.

Shu-shu-shu!

Drinking the water.

Kaka…

Chewing.

Gulp.

Swallowing.

I cannot… just die here…

“Bleh—!”

Time after time, I forced the disgusting dead fish and sour slop into my mouth; a strong urge to vomit almost sent everything I just swallowed back out.

Live on, once again give it my all… live on!

Gulp…

I swallowed all the vomit that reached my mouth once more, my eyes reflecting only my trembling, clenched fists.

I swear, I will never stop thinking again, absolutely… never stopping…

Tears slid past my lips from between my gritted teeth.

One day, I will return alive, and then—

“I will make everyone who betrayed me pay a price more painful than death!”

That cry, engraved into my brain, tempered a living soul back into a demon.