The Boundaries of Self

“His mother is the same as my mother.”

Kallios spoke in his characteristic tone, as if reading from a book. Being composed despite being haunted every night by the memories of the ‘other’ Kallios was truly like him. I looked at his face for a moment before turning away. His haggard appearance was pitiful, but it would be ridiculous for me to make a fuss when he acted as if it were nothing. I leaned back in my cushionless chair, looking up at the sky while waiting for his next words.

The sunlight was pleasant. The blowing wind carried a thick scent of grass. Somewhere upwind, early chrysanthemums must have bloomed already, as a faint floral scent was mixed in. I felt a renewed sense of emotion. I, who had believed I wouldn’t survive this past spring, was now sitting amidst late summer scenery. Even better, I was in the garden right in front of the spire.

Pure white clouds floated slowly behind the spire in the deep blue sky. The sky seen from the outside was, to use a cliché, incredibly vast, and the spire was smaller than I had thought.

I stared blankly at the sight before placing my hand on my chest.

It was a habit I had developed recently. Whenever the amazing change in me felt real, I would stay still and feel my heart beating. There was only one heart beating beneath my palm, but it wasn’t my power alone keeping it going. A pulse being sustained by the strength of another.

Though my body was still gaunt, I was told I would gradually get healthier. Thinking of that boy who had been a Sword Master, and remembering how ‘Emperor Kaian’ was skilled with a blade, I had casually asked if I could use a sword now. Ilios replied that while it was a shame, that probably wouldn’t be possible. The strain caused by the Dragon Blood had been prevented, but since I was born with a weak body, I had to be careful for the rest of my life. Well, being able to live a full life just by being “careful” was incredible enough, so I wasn’t disappointed. That boy gave me a truly great gift.

“The mother was a commoner named Esther. They say her blonde hair was particularly beautiful. No.”

I looked at Kallios. The only time he ever corrected his usually orderly speech was when he experienced confusion from the mixing of the other’s memories.

“She was beautiful.”

“Really?”

“Yes. My hair color resembles my mother’s.”

His blonde hair sparkled in the late summer sunlight. I nodded. There wasn’t a part of him that wasn’t striking, but his blonde hair—which looked as if it were spun from the sunlight of this exact hour—was particularly beautiful. It was pretty enough to make me want to touch it even under magic lamps or light coming through a window, but seeing it out here in the sun made it even more so. It felt like the sunlight would rub off on my hands if I touched it.

“My mother died of illness when I was six, but his mother died shortly after he was born.”

“The timing of their deaths is different.”

“Yes. His mother was hanged for the crime of stealing something precious, and her body was left hanging on the Duke’s castle wall until it rotted and the head separated from the body.”

Kallios fiddled with the handle of his teacup. I waited quietly for his next words.

He remained silent for a moment as if organizing his thoughts before continuing. She became a thief because she gave birth to a child with Dragon Blood. Whether she had a lover she promised to marry, or whether the Duke had taken her by force… none of that was considered. It was simply said that the Duchess loathed the fact that she, a commoner, had given birth to a child of Dragon Blood when the Duchess herself could not.

My Kallios had not suffered the same abuse as that boy. The Duke raised Kallios preciously, as he might become the next Emperor. He also provided sufficient treatment for Esther, who would become the Emperor’s biological mother if Kallios ascended the throne. While the Duchess and her sons occasionally showed their hatred, they restrained themselves considering the Duke’s favor and the things Kallios would possess in the future. Neglect is also abuse, but neglect is better than receiving attention from such people. When I spoke my mind, Kallios agreed.

“Dealing with vulgar people is exhausting.”

I recalled the room in the Duke’s castle where I had stayed for a few days. It certainly was vulgar in taste. It was exhausting just being in the room; how much more exhausting would it be to deal with the owner of such a room?

Kallios began his story again. I picked up a cookie as I listened to him alternate between his life and that boy’s life as if he were reading them rather than experiencing them. I broke it into pieces and threw them onto the grass, and a squirrel playing in the bushes scurried over. I watched it pick up a cookie piece and stuff it into its mouth. Its looking around was cute.

This thing we had been doing for a week was the process of separating Kallios from that boy.

That night when he first showed a disheveled side of himself before me. He told me about the ‘punishment’ he had received, which he hadn’t answered no matter how much I asked before.

The price for intruding into a world created by my blood was the memories and emotions of ‘Kallios Capre Rotenmeyer.’

Memories and emotions…

I believe these two things are the most important elements that constitute a person. I was still myself even though my body had died and the world I lived in had changed. It’s because the memories and emotions left by my previous life let me live as myself.

So I couldn’t bring myself to ask if he was okay.

Kallios was a mature and independent fellow, but he was still only twenty. There was no way he would be okay after suddenly taking on twenty-seven years’ worth of memories and emotions. Furthermore, that boy’s memories were built in a world that rejected him. I couldn’t even imagine how heavy that must be. Just a brief glimpse of that boy’s scars had been horrific.

He said he was fine.

However, he said there were times when he felt confused. Times when it was hard to overcome intense emotions. Times when it was painful to have traces of the other man in all his thoughts and feelings.

So, he said that even though he knew it would be a burden, he had no choice but to come to me.

I watched him speak incoherently, stop, take back what he said with a “that’s not it,” and hesitate, before I asked him.

What can I do for you?

What had not been granted in the world fashioned by my blood, but which was not mine, was now before me.

Time to recognize that the boy and this man were different beings, time to reflect on my mistakes, and… time to grieve and mourn solely for that boy.

Kallios. What should I do?

After a long silence, he pulled me—who was holding his hand—and laid me on the bed. He pressed down on my shoulders as I tried to get up and pulled the blanket up to my neck. Then he sat in the chair attached to the table beside the bed. In the dark room, he looked at me with a book spread out before him.

Looking only at me, he said.

[Please let me be fully myself.]

He was now talking about his mother, Esther. He saw her once a month. Since she had become the Duke’s concubine, she couldn’t marry, but she lived in a small house with the lover she had promised her life to. The stew eaten in that house wasn’t very tasty. In front of that house, Siberian chrysanthemums bloomed in full every autumn…

I imagined a small house built on a hill where chrysanthemums bloomed. A blonde boy smaller than the one I first met, a mother who was also blonde, and a somewhat fierce-looking hunter who stayed by their side.

“How did you feel then?”

I asked the man who didn’t usually express emotions. He tilted his head and thought for a moment before answering.

“I think it was similar to how I feel now.”

I looked at him and smiled.

“A place full of chrysanthemums… I’m curious. I want to see it.”

“The flowers will bloom around next month.”

“Want to go together?”

Kallios, who had been looking into the distance, turned his gaze to me.

“It will smell strongly of grass.”

“That’s the good part.”

“There will be bugs too.”

“As long as it’s not a ladybug, it’s fine.”

Kallios thought about something intently before speaking.

“I have placed a ladybug on my finger before.”

It didn’t sound like boasting at all in his tone, so I almost missed it. Seeing his gaze lingering as if waiting for my response, I quickly praised him, saying it was impressive. He said he would catch any ladybugs so they couldn’t come near, then furrowed his brow and added.

“It is only natural to do so.”

It seemed an ambiguous emotion he hadn’t distinguished yet had popped out. I wondered if there was a need to distinguish it since the heart wanting to clear away things I disliked for my sake was the same, but I left it be. Words carry weight, and nuances matter. I suppose it felt very different inside him. Without smoothing his furrowed brow, he took an ‘elegant’ sip of tea and stood up.

“I will see you at night.”

I waved to him as he said his goodbyes and left.

Since that day, he visited whenever he had free time to talk about the memories he had recalled. I distinguished between him and that boy along the lines he drew. Rather than stories of a past too tragic to dare imagine, discovering habits he hadn’t originally possessed was more helpful for the distinction.

Very minor changes, like how he—who didn’t know how to greet people—now occasionally said hello when entering or leaving. Such differences turned that boy from an ‘accessory of my brother’ into a complete being of his own. I wanted this process to end quickly, but I also hoped I could learn about that boy for as long as possible.

Because the only traces of that boy who died in a vanished world were the memories left to us.

I lay in bed, blinking my heavy eyes, and turned my head at the sound of the door opening. Kallios, dressed neatly, walked in carrying a book. Isn’t it a hassle to bring a book every day that he doesn’t even read? There are books in my room too. Moreover, it was a different book every day. Yesterday it was a law book half a span thick that looked like it would make one sleepy just by opening it, but today it was a small book he could hold in one hand. The cover was red.

“What book is it?”

He came to the side of the bed and held out the book. I didn’t take it and just read the title on the cover… or rather, only the large letters, before furrowing my brow. He immediately withdrew the book and sat in the chair that had now become his designated seat. A spot where he could see me just by lifting his head from the book spread out on the table.

I closed my eyes. There was a crisp sound of a page turning, as if he were reading. I thought he was putting a lot of effort into a book he couldn’t even read in the dark, but then I remembered something and called out to him.

“Kallios.”

“Yes.”

“Aren’t you tired?”

There was no answer. He must be tired. Is it a normal thing to doze off while sitting in a chair? I asked even though I knew.

“How about going back and sleeping sometimes?”

“I prefer it here.”

I wish he would fix that habit of ignoring questions he doesn’t like. Even though I don’t have a hobby of prying, his attitude of only saying what he wants to say was a bit annoying. Well… it’s a very good personality for becoming an Emperor. Not caring about anyone’s opinion and not doing things he dislikes. He’s impressive, my brother.

Feeling sleepy, I let out a big yawn and lay on my side, burying my face in the pillow. I pulled the thick blanket up to the tip of my nose. He had seen me sleeping and even unconscious many times, but embarrassing was still embarrassing. I slightly lifted my heavy eyelids to look at him through a squint. I met eyes with him, who was looking at me instead of the book he had bothered to open.

“I’m going to sleep.”

“Yes.”

“Kallios.”

He turned a page while looking at my face. Flutter. The sound of a thin piece of paper turning.

“Is there anything Hyung can do for you?”

Even to my own ears, my voice was full of sleep. It was a voice that didn’t sound credible at all, as if I would say ‘later’ if asked and then completely forget after waking up. Kallios turned another page. He seemed to have decided to ignore my question. If it were something I could do now, I’d stay awake to do it, and if it were something I could do after waking, I’d remember and do it. You missed a good opportunity, Kallios Capre Arnevus. With that last childish thought born from drowsiness, I drifted off to sleep.

He said something just before I fell asleep. But it was too late. You silly brother. I didn’t hear it.