The Desire I Shouldn’t Feel

Eren quietly closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
Though he hadn’t consciously noticed it before, Kazen always carried a pleasant scent as well.
It was hard to describe, but it was a fragrance reminiscent of walking down a quiet street blanketed with snow on a midwinter dawn.

The serene atmosphere put his mind at ease while also stirring a faint flutter of excitement.
The familiar warmth of Kazen made his heart tap against his ribs as if tickling them.
But the moment Harold’s perfume, which Kazen had mentioned, came to mind, the gentle warmth that had been building instantly cooled.

Had Harold smelled this scent of Kazen every day?
Had the two of them embraced every day, and kissed?
Surely they had done more than that?

‘Honestly, I’m no better than a monk.’

Recalling Kazen’s teasing, Eren pouted slightly.
That statement implied that Kazen himself had experience.
Eren had always been too busy fighting for survival to have the leisure for such entertainment.

That didn’t mean Eren desired Kazen sexually, absolutely not.
Not only was there no possibility of such an opportunity, but more than that, it stung a little that Harold knew sides of Kazen that he himself did not.

He wondered what Kazen was like in bed.
Was he as rough as his personality?
Perhaps he had a surprisingly gentle side.
At least as far as Eren knew, such sexual contact was supposed to be based on affection.

Imagining this embarrassing side of Kazen, Eren suddenly felt a stirring in his gut.
Strength gathered in his lower abdomen, and a warm heat began to rise from deep within, not from his heart.

Sensing this unfamiliar sensation for the first time, Eren squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lip.

‘One who has desires but doesn’t know how to resolve them?’

Kazen’s voice lingered in his ears.
This unfamiliar sensation was probably close to what he had called ‘desire.’
Eren was feeling for the first time in his life a desire he had never experienced before, and it was directed at Kazen.

‘Don’t think about it, don’t think.’

Just harboring such vulgar thoughts about him was unbearably shameful and embarrassing.

It was a futile desire that could never be fulfilled anyway.
Eren forced his eyes shut, waiting only for this heat to subside quickly.

* * * *

And the next day, when Eren opened his eyes, Kazen had vanished without a trace.
Eren looked around the bed, which felt spacious compared to the previous night, and sat up with a faint sense of disappointment.

“Oh, this….”

By the head of the bed, there was Harold’s letter of recommendation along with a note containing the appointment time for the clinic.
He didn’t know who had left it, but he needed to show it to the doctor, so he took it.

Not wanting to be late, he washed up and went down to the kitchen.
As he opened the familiar door and entered, he saw Millie standing in front of the stove.

“Millie, what are you doing here so early in the morning?”

When Eren greeted her warmly, Millie, who had been standing dazedly, jumped in surprise.

“Mr. Eren! Why are you up so early?”

“I always wake up at this time, though?
Rather, isn’t Millie the one who came early?”

Eren always woke around dawn to start his morning.
In fact, it was a bit later than usual.
Soon the kitchen would become busy preparing breakfast.

“I heard from His Grace that today is your day off, Mr. Eren.”

“You met His Grace?
When?”

He was already curious about when Kazen had woken up and returned to his room, so he asked insistently.

“About 30 minutes ago, he summoned me.
He said that if I gave you any work today, he wouldn’t let it slide.
So please go back to your room right away!”

Whether Kazen had given strict instructions, Millie looked thoroughly frightened.
Nevertheless, Eren was still bewildered.
‘Wouldn’t let it slide’?
Surely it was because he needed to see the doctor?

Even so, the appointment was still hours away.
There was no need to stop working, nor the leeway to rest.

“I’ll take His Grace his morning tea, so please go quickly!
I don’t want to get scolded.
Oh, and take this breakfast with you.”

In the end, chased out with a sandwich, Eren had no choice but to return to his study.

‘Well, this works out, I suppose.
I had paperwork piling up anyway.’

Eren looked at the towering stack of documents on his desk and tried to think positively.
Once he actually started working, distracting thoughts faded away, which was good.

He sat there for a couple of hours, sorting through the mail and reports he hadn’t finished the previous day, and soon the appointment time approached.

“Even though I don’t want to go, I have to.”

Not only Kazen but also Harold had shown concern, so he had to see the doctor no matter what.
Thus, dragging his reluctant body, he forced himself to leave the study.

He had planned to walk to the city again today.
But as soon as Eren opened the main entrance of the mansion and stepped outside, someone in the garden called out to him.

“Eren, just a moment!”

The figure holding large pruning shears was none other than the gardener, Jayden.
Since he had no particular reason to seek Eren out, Eren thought he was just greeting him for the morning and spoke first.

“Jayden, good morning.”

But as he approached, his face didn’t seem particularly pleased.
The furrow between his brows gave off an uneasy vibe.

“Is something the matter?”

“It’s nothing serious, but the mage-stone in the greenhouse we replaced the other day seems a bit odd.
I wanted to ask you to check it.”

Eren recalled how the light in the rear garden had been dim the previous day.
It seemed there might be a problem with the newly replaced mage-stones.

“Is it not working?”

“Ah, no, it’s not that, but it seems a bit weak.
Haven’t you noticed anything strange, Eren?”

Fortunately, it hadn’t gone out.
He had been worrying whether he needed to rush over and recharge the mage-stone.

“It does seem that way, doesn’t it?
I noticed the light in the rear garden wasn’t in good shape yesterday either.
And it was newly replaced, at that.”

Typically, the mage-stones used in the Ducal residence were expensive, containing enough mana to last about a year.
Though for devices like lamps that stayed on for long periods, they needed to be replaced more frequently.

Even so, it had only been about a week since replacement; he had never seen one fading so fast.
Perhaps they were cheap, low-quality mage-stones or defective products.

Since they weren’t completely non-functional, it wasn’t urgent.
He could see the doctor first and check upon returning to the mansion without issue.

“It’s still usable, but I’m uneasy about the greenhouse one.
The weather is getting colder, and if the mage-stone goes out, all the expensive plants will die.
I’d appreciate it if you could check them, especially the ones in the greenhouse.”

Eren hesitated at Jayden’s request, pressing his fingers to his brow with a troubled look.
Seeing the doctor was the priority.

“Thank you for letting me know, but I have an appointment to see a doctor.
I’ll check it as soon as I return to the mansion.”

“Ah, of course.
It’s not urgent, so take your time.”

Jayden nodded as if it were no big deal.
If it really was nothing as he said, that would be fortunate, but why did he have an uneasy feeling?

“Speaking of doctors, are you unwell somewhere?”

As if the matter was settled, Jayden naturally changed the subject.

“No, it’s nothing serious, just tired, I think.
It’s not a big deal, so don’t worry about it.”

Eren felt embarrassed admitting to others that he was unwell.
He didn’t particularly welcome anyone worrying about him.

“You’re an indispensable person in this Ducal household, Eren.
Don’t overwork yourself.
Both I and many others are here to help you.”

Jayden said cheerfully, smiling warmly.
No matter how friendly Jayden was with Eren, they didn’t usually have such sentimental conversations.

“Yes, thank you for saying that.
I won’t overdo it.”

Embarrassed by the awkward atmosphere, Eren replied brusquely.

“Well, I’m busy, so I’ll be going now.”

“Ah, yes, yes.
Go ahead.”

After greeting Jayden, Eren walked toward the city, lost in his own thoughts.
Thanks to his reflections in the rear garden yesterday and Jayden’s advice, Eren seemed to have gained some insight.

Perhaps he didn’t need to struggle alone to solve everything by himself.
Driving himself to the limit like this only caused trouble for Kazen, just as it had today.

So, he resolved to take care of his own body, delegate tasks to others, and find smarter ways to work.
The problem was, people needed to cooperate.
Ultimately, managing people well was also a matter of one’s own capability.

“Haah, first, let’s take care of myself.”

Eren muttered quietly to himself with a deep sigh.

Why was going to see a doctor so difficult?
Not that he had much occasion to receive medical care, anyway.
It seemed he had never heard good news from a doctor before; he would be grateful if he at least didn’t receive bad news today.