Abandoning Myself

‘Was that the First Generation Haizhu’s memory, lingering in the doll?’

Xie Haizhu pondered this, her voice maintaining its usual cool detachment.

“I’m fine, merely lost in thought.”

Seeing Xie Haizhu return to her normal demeanor, Lyte exhaled a heavy sigh of relief.

“Lady Haizhu, please take care of yourself.”

“I will.”

Xie Haizhu replied blandly.

Though the sudden influx of memories had momentarily thrown her off balance, it coincidentally caused her to display an unfeigned weariness.

Indeed, the moment she recovered, she distinctly sensed a Golden-tier practitioner quietly departing in the distance—precisely the outcome she had desired.

However, Lyte’s attitude struck her as somewhat unexpected.

His concern and apprehension were so convincing that they seemed genuine… The only plausible explanation was that the lurking Golden-tier and Lyte were not aligned.

This was not yet Lyte’s anticipated moment to act.

Lyte feared she might be dealt with before then.

‘It was akin to a declaration of ‘only I can kill you’… How endearing.’

With no one left to observe, Xie Haizhu ceased her pretense, swiftly clearing away the ruins before bidding Lyte farewell.

While she yearned to exchange more words with the cunning and treacherous Lyte, Duanmu Yun had initially allotted her only one hour, reserving the other for evening studies.

Furthermore, she was eager to revert to Xie Shenhong’s identity to observe the subsequent developments—for despite her conjectures, it was still possible that the other party she suspected might interact with Lyte.

Lyte’s profound concern for her might also stem from his uncertainty about defeating her on his own, leaving him with no other recourse.

Regardless of the underlying reason, Xie Haizhu found herself filled with anticipation.

****

“As if!”

After completing his work and teleporting back to school, Xie Shenhong nearly vomited at the recollection of his recent thoughts.

“Good heavens, why would I entertain such dangerous ideas?”

The more Xie Shenhong dwelled on it, the more he was gripped by a chilling dread.

Upon transforming into his female form, imbued with newfound power, he had grown arrogant and fearless, leading to many of his actions becoming utterly outlandish.

He now understood why Lyte had described Xie Haizhu as ‘mischievous’; it seemed an uncannily accurate assessment.

In his female body, his mind truly seemed consumed by thoughts of pure amusement.

He was like a naive child, oblivious to the vastness of the world.

Yet, his transformation was no mere accident.

“Those memories… Does that mean all users of the Haizhu doll become so arrogant?”

He adhered to the principle of ‘do not do unto others what you would not have them do unto you.’

He detested the Empire, which, as an invader, had caused the deaths of countless citizens of the Kingdom.

Conversely, he found himself unable to accept certain things within himself.

Yes, he had killed many Imperial soldiers.

But those actions were for self-preservation, to save others, or to defend his nation.

Moreover, the numbers were certainly not high… certainly not in the tens of thousands.

Later, as his marksmanship became more proficient, he would prioritize shooting their limbs to incapacitate them.

Indeed, he only killed those who absolutely had to die.

Those whose crimes did not warrant death deserved condemnation and punishment under law and morality; this was his view on sin.

To casually slaughter hundreds of thousands, treating them as mere statistics, as the First Generation Haizhu had done… even if it was deemed righteous from the Kingdom’s perspective, Xie Shenhong could not accept it.

The mere thought that these individuals might, like him, have sisters needing care, or revered brothers and sisters… it filled him with profound anguish.

At the same time, he realized something.

If he were the one facing the Imperial army, he would never be able to act decisively… He was truly useless.

He possessed neither the ability to save everything nor the resolve to destroy everything.

He had fortuitously obtained the golden pocket watch and gained immense power… yet he truly felt utterly unworthy of the title ‘Saintess.’

“Huh, why am I thinking like this?”

Xie Shenhong was momentarily stunned.

The First Generation Haizhu was, without a doubt, a Saintess.

Even with the blood of four hundred thousand on her hands, she was unquestionably a national savior, akin to Joan of Arc.

But why did his heart harbor thoughts that suggested she was not a Saintess?

If that didn’t constitute a Saintess, then what did?

His own internal standard… where did it even come from?

“No, what am I thinking… Could this also be the price of using the doll?”

Xie Shenhong gazed solemnly at the golden pocket watch in his hand.

In his previous life, and throughout the five years since his transmigration, he had never entertained such unsettling thoughts.

Every change had begun with the acquisition of this golden pocket watch.

“Forget it, worrying more won’t help.”

After a moment, Xie Shenhong shook his head, carefully putting the golden pocket watch away.

After all, he had already mentally prepared himself.

As long as he could even slightly alter the tragic future.

Even if it meant sacrificing everything.

He would not hesitate.

****

“Can I… truly stay in this country?”

“You can, if you wish.”

…

“Lady Haizhu… she doesn’t remember, does she?”

Watching Haizhu’s disappearing figure, Lyte sighed softly and began to hurry on his way.

His momentary sense of loss swiftly transformed into worry.

Though, given Haizhu’s strength, it was hardly his place to worry about her.

But even the strongest Saintess was still just one person.

Lyte would not deify Haizhu simply because she accomplished what ordinary people could not.

On the contrary, he firmly believed Haizhu was much like any ordinary person.

She experienced joy, sorrow, happiness, pain, and, of course, confusion… which was why she had posed such a question to him.

‘Lady Haizhu must have been deeply troubled by it all along… I truly am an idiot!’

Lyte cursed aloud, his spirits renewed.

Haizhu was constantly busy, burdened with all sorts of worries… and he had actually hoped she would remember a fleeting encounter from five years ago.

He truly had no self-awareness.

Besides, rather than dwelling on such trivialities, he now had more important matters to attend to.

“Shenhong, I apologize for the wait.”

Upon returning to school, he immediately headed to the training grounds.

Haizhu, despite her overwhelming schedule, had remembered Xie Shenhong and specifically mentioned him… Undoubtedly, helping Xie Shenhong would ease Haizhu’s burden.

Perhaps it might even bring a genuine, happy smile to Haizhu’s face.

Not to mention, he had always intended to make Shenhong happy… This was a chance to kill three birds with one stone.

“You’ve worked hard.”

Unfortunately, Xie Shenhong still responded with that same feigned friendliness.

Yet, this was a vast improvement from his initial hostility.

It at least indicated that Xie Shenhong was considering his feelings and his pride.

Maintaining their relationship as it was, and then making changes once they became more familiar… This had been Lyte’s original plan.

But that notion changed today.

Even someone as great and noble as Haizhu was willing to humble herself and confide in him.

She had even risked tarnishing her perfect, flawless image in the eyes of others to share her inner turmoil.

‘Weakness?’

‘Unworthy of her name?’

‘No!’

‘It was to do better!’

‘To become a Saintess even more deserving of the world’s reverence!’

Lyte felt this resolve emanating from Xie Haizhu.

And because of it, he understood his own foolishness.

‘Waiting until we’re familiar to make a change.’

‘It was all a lie.’

‘He was simply afraid.’

Afraid that Xie Shenhong would dislike him, afraid that if he failed, he wouldn’t even be able to maintain their current relationship.

Yet, he was the one who had forcefully altered Xie Shenhong’s daily life.

He was also the one who had boastfully declared he would help Shenhong join the Crimson Knights.

At this point, what right did he have to be afraid?

Therefore—

“Shenhong, why do you dislike me so much?”