I Chose You

“……Taeha-ya?”

Taeha, gripping the handle of his mug tightly, smiled and shook his head.
As if it was nothing.

“Should we eat out and then go home? Come to think of it, I might be a bit short on rice.”
“I thought you made fresh rice?”
“No, I only prepped some side dishes. The rice is from this morning, so it’s a bit lacking. Let’s forget me cooking for now and eat something delicious nearby. How about that?”

I’m fine with that.
As Hanbyeol nodded, Taeha got up from his seat.

Today, for some reason, it felt strangely like they were talking in circles.
They seemed to be conversing like usual, but somehow, the words felt hollow, lacking substance.

How should he describe this feeling?
After they entered the restaurant, Hanbyeol brought a piece of nicely cut meat to his mouth and chewed it for a long time.

He had never felt uncomfortable being around Taeha.
That made sense, given how long they had known each other.
Before their dynamics manifested, they would visit each other’s houses and even sleep in the same bed.
They also participated in summer training camps together.

“Hanbyeol-ah, should we order a little more meat?”
“No, I had a lot with the hyungs at lunch today, so I’m fine.”
“……Yeah?”

Taeha was smiling like always, but something seemed off.

Why?
Why are you smiling with that kind of expression?

He wanted to ask, but the words wouldn’t leave his mouth.
The mouth that opened so easily when meat was in front of him was, for some reason, unable to make a sound, even though he had so much he wanted to say to Taeha.

“Did you ever hear back from that agency you sent your song to?”
“No, not yet. I thought it was good, though.”

It was something he would have to experience many more times, so Hanbyeol didn’t let it bother him too much.
Of course, the fighting spirit that said he would succeed someday only grew stronger, rooting itself deeper.

The conversation shifted to the song Taeha had recorded the guide for.

He wanted to ask, but he couldn’t.
Taeha also clearly seemed to have something he wanted to say to Hanbyeol, but he was visibly holding it back, suppressing it.

What was lacking between him and Taeha right now was honesty.
These were things they could easily ask about if they just let that honesty flow.
But both were being cautious with each other.

Hanbyeol couldn’t understand why he himself couldn’t ask Taeha.

“Taeha-ya.”
“Yeah.”

His gaze, focused entirely on him as if he would listen to anything he said, was just like always.
That made it even harder to ask.

Taeha had never deceived Hanbyeol or kept secrets from him.
Hanbyeol was the first to know that he had become a trainee.
He was also the first to know that he had left the company.

Taeha hadn’t hidden the fact that he already knew about Hanbyeol’s pheromones or that he could distinguish Yuseong’s.
His silence about Hanbyeol’s pheromones all this time was simply Taeha’s own consideration.

Wouldn’t he answer if he asked?
Why he decided not to join the company, if there was a reason for refusing, or perhaps…….

“Should I cut the meat a little smaller?”
“Is it too big?”
“No, it’s because I’m eating it with rice. I eat it on a spoon, you see.”

Perhaps, if he had decided to give up on his long-held dream now.

That’s why he couldn’t bring himself to ask.
If that were the case, Hanbyeol wouldn’t know what to do.
The encouragement and words he had given him all this time might have actually been a burden on Taeha.
He felt like he’d be filled with nothing but guilt.

The conversation kept going in circles.

“Do Eunhan and Kang Jaehwi said they went abroad and are coming back, right?”
“Yeah. Their parents are close friends.”
“When did they say they’d be back?”
“They said it wasn’t a long trip, so around Wednesday?”
“When they asked if I wanted to go together a while back, I couldn’t because of hyung’s stuff…… Taeha, didn’t they ask you to go?”
“They did.”
“Why didn’t you go?”

Taeha cut the meat into even smaller pieces, placed it on Hanbyeol’s spoon, and answered.

“If I went too, you’d be alone, Hanbyeol.”
“What do you mean alone? My parents come by sometimes, and my hyung comes too. Plus, Do Eunhan and Kang Jaehwi blow up the group chat so much I sometimes wonder if they actually went abroad.”
“Still, you’d be alone.”
“It’s not like they went far, it’s only 5 nights 6 days at most.”
“Still.”

Taeha’s answer was firm.

Hanbyeol felt grateful inside.
Even though their classes had split up at school, Taeha always ate lunch with Hanbyeol.

Even when Eunhan or Jaehwi went off with other friends for lunch, Taeha was always there.
That consistency was something he was grateful for, and it made his heart swell again.

“If I had gone too, you would’ve skipped meals while working on your songs, Hanbyeol. You have that habit of eating late. And, you don’t like eating alone, do you.”

All this worry pouring out for him was welcome, yet it also made Hanbyeol feel guilty.

The pieces of meat were getting smaller one by one.
Hanbyeol noticed Taeha’s hand, holding the scissors, occasionally faltering.
Right now, Taeha was just pretending not to notice.

“Taeha-ya.”
“Yeah.”

It was a repeat.

What if, when he finally asked Taeha honestly and got an answer, that answer turned out to be that his own expectations had been a burden?
Hanbyeol closed his mouth again.

Taeha put down the tongs and scissors and neatly folded his hands.

“Hanbyeol-ah. I turned down the casting offer.”

As expected, Taeha had anticipated Hanbyeol’s thoughts and hesitation and made the first move.
He had already noticed what Hanbyeol wanted to say.

He had waited until Hanbyeol finished eating.
He must have thought that if he brought it up during the meal, Hanbyeol wouldn’t be able to eat properly.
That was why the conversation throughout dinner had been so empty.

As the answer to the question he couldn’t bring himself to ask flowed from Taeha’s mouth, Hanbyeol’s head dropped.

“……I’m sorry.”

As Hanbyeol apologized, Taeha shook his head, looking flustered.

“That’s what I should be saying, Hanbyeol-ah. I know it was a good opportunity, and I know you were cheering me on…… But I’m the one who refused.”
“……I was a burden to you.”

Taeha gave a bitter smile.

“I didn’t want to say anything because I thought you might think that.”
“But it’s true.”
“It’s not true at all. It’s absolutely not your fault.”

A smile hung on Taeha’s lips.

“It’s just my own thought. There are other agencies too, and I didn’t particularly want to join that one. It’s probably just my own greed.”

Truthfully, it was Hanbyeol who had held expectations.

It wasn’t some sentimental hope that with his brother and Taeha there, he could easily break into the industry as a composer.
He knew that without skill, even a parachute placement wouldn’t last long in this business.
He wasn’t hoping for that.

He just thought the position was good.
Decent working staff and corporate capital.
He hoped they would be able to properly care for Taeha, who had been at a small company.
And he arrogantly assumed that would be good for Taeha.

He had dared to judge someone else’s thoughts.

Seeing Hanbyeol’s sullen expression, Taeha looked troubled as he got up.
He slowly moved from the opposite seat and sat down next to Hanbyeol.

“Hanbyeol-ah.”

At the close distance, Hanbyeol lifted his head and met Taeha’s gaze.

“It’s because there’s something I want to do. That’s why I couldn’t join that agency.”
“Something you want to do?”
“Yeah. So it’s absolutely not your fault. I still want to hear your songs, Hanbyeol, and I want to sing them.”
“Ah……”
“You said you’d make songs for me. I can’t give up on that.”

Taeha still remembered.

One day when they were twelve, on a cool, windy night during a sweltering summer camp, it was a promise they made to each other.

* * * *

From the moment he confirmed the group assignments, Hanbyeol wanted to escape this damn English camp.
Eunhan and Jaehwi were excited because they were in the same group as Taeha, but Hanbyeol didn’t have any close friends in his group.

Narrowing his brow, wondering why he even had to come to this camp, Yuseong kept sending him messages.
At the constant vibration, Hanbyeol’s temples bulged.

[You got time off after talking to Mom and Dad beforehand, right?]
[So what if you eat alone for a few days?]
[What kind of middle schooler sends messages to his younger brother because he doesn’t want to eat alone?]
[Do you, as the older brother, hate seeing your brother study or something?]

His fingers pressed hard on the keys as he typed.

In the distance, Taeha was being dragged around by Eunhan and Jaehwi.
That gentle friend, caught by those two troublemakers.
If only Taeha had been in his group, it would have been so much easier.

Feeling unnecessarily sulky, Hanbyeol kicked the ground with the tip of his shoe.
Then, with a resigned expression, he finished what he needed to do.

They were all friends in the same grade.
But getting close to them was a long shot.
With such a short schedule of only 2 nights and 3 days, he wanted to stick with his close friends.

“……I wish I was in Taeha’s group.”

Taeha is good at English too.
He’d be able to talk comfortably even if the native teachers came close.
When they first arrived during the day, Taeha was the one who talked to the large foreigners without shrinking back.

When the native teacher approached and tried to make small talk, Hanbyeol’s body stiffened.
Since he was in a different group, he couldn’t even call his friends.

Sadly, the kids in his group were all similar to Hanbyeol.
Feeling unfairly sad, Hanbyeol didn’t look at his friends.

His friends probably wouldn’t care either way.
But for Hanbyeol, this was his way of expressing his sulkiness.
Would it kill them to just say they wished they were in the same group?
Would it hurt to say they could hang out during breaks and eat together?

Even though they were supposed to move as groups, Hanbyeol’s sulkiness took a strange turn and exploded.
He was hurt that his friends didn’t seem to care about him while he was feeling this upset, and that made him angry too.

He knew that if you don’t express yourself, others won’t know.
That’s what his hyung always said when Hanbyeol kept his mouth shut and pouted.

But that didn’t mean he could take this hurt out on his friends.
Even though he felt sad, he knew it would be wrong to take it out on them unfairly.

Just then, his eyes met Taeha’s perfectly as he was being dragged by the others.
Taeha opened his mouth as if to call him, but Hanbyeol turned his head away as if he hadn’t seen him and headed towards his group members.

It’s only natural I’m sulky. I want to be with you guys, but you’re having fun without me, not even caring if I exist.

Since we’re supposed to move as groups, it’s natural you can’t come to me.
Until then, I won’t talk to you either.

This thought, full of the capriciousness of a 5th grader, flew away the moment he saw Taeha standing before him, firmly holding his hand.

“Hanbyeol-ah, would you like to have dinner with me later?”
“…….”
“I’m sorry, they said we had to eat with the teacher at lunch, so I couldn’t be with you. I want to eat with you, Hanbyeol. Is that okay?”

For the first time that day, in front of Taeha, who soothed his hurt feelings, Hanbyeol showed his emotions.

“Ha, Hanbyeol-ah?”

It meant he cried, embarrassingly.