Chapter 35: Between Innocence and Impulse

“Do you perhaps like… naughty things?”

What?

“Pardon, pardon?”

The slight intoxication I felt seemed to fade a bit at her words.

Suddenly?

Did I miss a part of the conversation?

Or did I hear wrong?

“Huh? Haha… I must have misheard you. What did you say—”

“I asked if you like naughty things.”

So, I didn’t mishear.

I felt a bead of sweat form.

Should I answer, “Yes”?

No, but how would she even know that?

My already warm face grew even hotter, and I felt like my head was spinning.

Yeah, let’s just say this…

Wait, what was I about to say?

Maybe it’s the alcohol, but I couldn’t remember what I’d planned to say just a few seconds ago.

This drink was supposed to be low-alcohol, and I only had a small glass, so just how low is my tolerance in this body?

But, do women talk about stuff like this with each other? Is it normal since we’re both women?

But so suddenly?

I didn’t know. My head started to ache as it swirled with confusion.

Let’s just… just say no.

“No, no, I don’t.”

“Really?”

Yoo Ji-eun’s eyes curved slightly.

… It felt like I was being interrogated.

“Yes, yes… but why do you ask?”

Might as well test the waters.

I hadn’t done anything wrong, but I felt cautious.

“I don’t know… You’re at that age, and your nails are cut super short… You don’t go out much, so I thought maybe you didn’t have any hobbies.”

Then, with her chin propped in her hand, Yoo Ji-eun looked forward for a moment.

And muttered to herself,

“I was just… kind of upset. Spur of the moment.”

“Why… why are you upset?”

“… Are you seriously asking because you don’t know?”

“Yes… sorry…”

As I spoke, I leaned into Yoo Ji-eun’s embrace. I didn’t want to see her upset.

She sighed and stroked my hair.

“Usually, I can get anything I want easily, but this time, it’s not so simple…”

“Um… I don’t know what it’s about, but… hang in there…”

As I said this, she stared down at me in her arms and sighed.

All right…

“Is there… anything I can help you with?”

I felt it would be nice if there was something I could do to help, so I asked.

Since all I ever seem to do is take. Today was no different.

“Help me, huh… Why did you suddenly feel that way?”

“I’m always grateful to you. I feel like I’m just taking all the time… and I’ve felt sorry about it, too…”

Saying it out loud made me feel a bit embarrassed, so I twirled a lock of hair that had fallen over my shoulder.

“Hmm…”

I felt like Yoo Ji-eun’s gaze changed slightly.

What was that?

With that subtle expression, she looked at me and spoke.

“Then would you grant me a wish?”

“Of course!”

I was thrilled there was actually something I could do for her.

I leaned in to listen more intently as I nodded.

Seeing me, Yoo Ji-eun’s eyes narrowed slightly as she spoke.

“Give me a kiss.”

“W-what?!”

Startled, I leaned back instinctively.

A… kiss?

Is this really the kind of kiss I think it is?

“Um, um, why… a kiss?”

Yoo Ji-eun responded as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

“It’s fine. We’re both girls. A kiss isn’t a big deal.”

“Well… I guess…”

Is it?

It kind of made sense. I’d seen close friends at parties give each other a quick kiss on the cheek before.

“For fun. It’ll be fun, won’t it?”

“Um, is that so…?”

“Yes. So, let’s do it.”

She started to lean closer to me.

It might have been the alcohol, but her eyes seemed… a little intense.

“W-wait…”

I gently pushed her back, speaking cautiously. At first, she didn’t move, but then she backed away on her own.

“But… but not on the lips… on the cheek. I… want my first kiss to be with someone I like…”

Hearing my own words, I felt my cheeks flush, and I looked slightly away.

“…Huh…”

Yoo Ji-eun stared at me, looking a bit dazed.

“Are you doing this on purpose? Really?”

“Pardon?”

“Nothing.”

She spoke as she came closer to me again.

Oh, we’re really doing this.

“Turn your head.”

She placed her hand on my shoulder.

Feeling her touch made me flinch a bit.

Even though I kept telling myself it was just between two girls, my body was incredibly tense.

Maybe sensing my nerves, she gently patted my head.

That helped me relax a little.

Then, I felt her soft lips brush my cheek.

“Mm…”

The sensation sent a shiver down my spine.

It felt… strange.

Strangely good.

My heart started racing, and my body tensed up again.

…

I felt an inexplicable sense of bliss.

But along with that bliss came a bit of guilt.

Is this… okay?

It felt good. I could smell the lavender scent she wore.

But I was a guy… or at least, I used to be.

Her lips were so warm yet cool, soft… and gentle.

Isn’t it wrong for me to feel desire here? Isn’t this just deceitful?

But it was so warm. I wanted her to hold me.

Thoughts swirled around in my mind like a storm.

My trembling fingers curled inward, unsure where to go.

I was worried she’d hear my pounding heart through my cheek.

After what felt like forever, Yoo Ji-eun lifted her hand from my shoulder and stepped back.

Is it normal for a kiss to last this long?

The two friends I’d seen only did a quick peck.

As her eyes met mine, I noticed her gaze was curved, like a gentle arc.

“Well?”

“I… I don’t know…”

Seeing her slightly moist lips made my face flush all over again.

She stroked my hair and said,

“But this is more fun than I expected… Can I go again?”

“Yes?! …… Okay…”

Honestly, I’d been secretly hoping for it.

I’d be too embarrassed to say it out loud.

She leaned in again with a smile, pressing her lips to my cheek once more.

Maybe it was the cocktail, but her lips felt cold on the surface, while warm underneath.

Once again, I felt that wave of bliss.

We stayed like that for a while until she finally pulled away, and we looked at each other.

Then, she spoke softly.

“What was your answer before?”

“Huh, my answer to—”

Yoo Ji-eun leaned in close again, as much as she had before, and asked,

“Naughty things. Do you like them?”

I hesitated, but somehow felt less reluctant this time.

“…I, I don’t exactly dislike them…”

“…Is that so?”

Her gaze became intense again, and I shrank back involuntarily.

Just then, her phone rang.

Yoo Ji-eun glanced at the caller ID, her expression hardening.

She immediately answered, putting the phone to her ear.

“Yes, Father.”

The sultry tone she’d used earlier had vanished. Her voice was now formal and respectful. She straightened, her posture losing the relaxed stance she’d just had with me.

“Yes, I’ll be home soon.”

“Yes.”

“Yes, I understand.”

“Yes.”

I could faintly hear her father’s voice on the other end, and Yoo Ji-eun responded curtly, with polite acknowledgment. The conversation went back and forth for a moment before she ended the call.

Her expression looked markedly worse compared to earlier.

“Phew…”

“A-are you okay, unnie?”

I asked, sensing the sudden shift in the atmosphere.

She seemed momentarily surprised, perhaps realizing her expression had slipped, but then she managed a small smile.

“It’s nothing, I-hyun. But I’m sorry; it looks like I’ll need to head out a bit early tonight.”

“Oh, no, it’s fine. It seems like something urgent has come up. Really, it’s okay.”

“Thank you… I’m sorry for taking up your time… It seems I’m needed with some work for my father.”

“It’s really alright, unnie. I think I’m a bit tipsy too… I’d probably end up doing something embarrassing, so I should probably head home as well.”

Seeing how apologetic she looked, I smiled, trying to reassure her.

Seeing this side of her wasn’t so bad, actually.

“Take it slow, one step at a time.”

“Yes… yes…”

Step by step.

I leaned on Yoo Ji-eun as I made my way up the stairs to my apartment.

I hadn’t realized how drunk I was; I could barely walk straight on my own. I started out fine, but the more I walked, the more my body wavered to the side.

Seeing this, Yoo Ji-eun called her father back, explaining that it would take an additional five minutes to wrap things up. Thankfully, he seemed to understand.

I was glad I had chosen a bar close to my place; walking alone through these dark streets in my current state would’ve been terrifying.

When we finally reached my door, she opened it for me and waved goodbye. I said,

“Thank you so much, unnie. Take care on your way back. I’m sorry for keeping your driver waiting because of me…”

Following her instructions, the driver had walked with us, albeit at a slight distance. He looked puzzled by the unusual request, but he eventually nodded in compliance.

She smiled, shaking her head.

“It’s no problem. I’m the one leaving in the middle of our night out, so I should be apologizing. Next time, I’ll treat you. Only drink with me, okay?”

She raised her index finger to her lips, mimicking a little drinking motion, and winked.

…She’s beautiful.

“Oh, yes! Hehe…”

I hoped my laugh didn’t sound too suggestive.

…Since that cheek kiss, Yoo Ji-eun seems even more beautiful.

She was always beautiful, but now even more so.

…

Sigh.

I shouldn’t feel this way. She probably didn’t think much of it.

Of course, she doesn’t know that I used to be a man.

But even if no one else knows, guilt is something one should still feel.

She headed down the stairs and into a large white car waiting for her. Rich people usually prefer black cars, but somehow, the white suited her perfectly.

She waved through the tinted window until she disappeared around the corner, and then I finally entered my room.

The room was pitch black.

The high I felt earlier plummeted in an instant.

I spent all my time here, but truthfully, my room wasn’t a place I liked very much.

It wasn’t a place I stayed in by choice.

The rise and fall of my emotions were intense, and the emptiness felt all the heavier because of it.

I felt lonely.

Utterly hollow.

…

I wanted to feel good again.

Maybe I should mess around with my hands to distract myself?

No, if I did that now, I’d probably end up feeling even more empty once it was over.

I put on the shirt that Song Chae-hyun bought for me.

The laundry pile would grow, but… I couldn’t help it.

If I didn’t find a way to deal with this emptiness somehow…

It felt like the emptiness would turn into sadness, and the sadness into a destructive urge.

I turned on my computer. My head throbbed a little as I fumbled around for the app.

But I eventually found it.

I set up the lighting and webcam, then went live immediately.

– “Chuhah!” (Short for “Hello, maiden.”)
– “Chuhah!”
– “Hey, cute girl~”
– “Someone’s drunk, haha.”
– “Looks like you’re plastered, lol.”

All the welcoming messages felt strangely heartwarming, maybe even a little sad.

Was it just the alcohol making me feel this way?

No, I’d been thinking this for a while now.

I spoke with a slightly choked voice.

“Hey, guys…”

“What’s up?”

– “Why’s your voice shaking?”
– “Oh boy, here we go again…”
– “You sound like you’re about to lose it, what’s going on?”

“No, it’s nothing like that…”

Looking at the anxious viewers, I thought I should hold back and keep myself in check.

But I continued.

“Thank you… thank you all, as always.”

Once I started, the words kept coming.

“I know it sounds cringy, and I’m not good at saying stuff like this… but I really am grateful to all of you.”

– “Out of nowhere?”
– “I’m always grateful too.”
– “You’re even cuter when you’re drunk!”
– “Hehe…”
– “We love you too! We love you too! We love you too!”
– “I’m always thankful too, cutie. Thanks for streaming for us.”
– “You’re my drinking buddy. When I feel lonely, I drink while watching your stream, and it makes me happy.”
– “Hehe… he…”

Their words of encouragement actually made me feel genuinely happy.

Alright, since I’m in the mood…

Usually, I wouldn’t do what viewers asked, but tonight, I felt like I could do anything for them.

“What would you like me to do? I’ll do anything.”

Various requests started popping up in the chat.

– “Do some aegyo!”
– “Act cute!”
– “Take off your clothes…”

“Nothing too provocative… I’m not that drunk…”

Then, a donation alert popped up.

– User “NotAnEvilPerson” donated 1000 won.
– “Show us your belly button.”

“Huh? My belly button? That much, I can show you! My belly button’s cute, hehe…”

I said as I began lifting my shirt.

“Hold on… let me pull my shirt out of my skirt…”

It shouldn’t have been too difficult, but for some reason, my hands lacked the strength, and it felt like a struggle.

Then, I noticed the chat exploding.

– “LLLLLLLL”
– “No way, stop it!”
– “Have you lost your mind? Get a grip!”
– “LLLLLLLL”
– “What’s wrong with you jerks? If she’s okay with it, what’s the problem?”
– “Creeps, stop taking advantage of her while she’s drunk!”

Seeing the unexpected backlash, I tilted my head and asked.

“Why? Don’t you like it?”

– User “Spaghetti123” donated 50,000 won.
– “Just stay and chat with us, don’t worry about doing anything.”

“Wow… fifty thousand… thank you so much…”

I bowed my head deeply.

I wasn’t expecting to earn money.

– “Trying to get her to undress while she’s drunk… disgusting, lol.”
– “Just call them all potential criminals and be done with it.”
– “What? Showing a belly button isn’t a big deal, is it?”
– “Get lost, all of you asking her to undress.”

The argument started to heat up. The people against my exposure were now vastly outnumbering the other side, essentially beating them down.

“Ugh…”

I didn’t like it.

I started this stream hoping to feel happy and to make my viewers happy too.

But seeing them argue like this left me with a sad feeling.

“Guys… don’t fight.”

How could I get them to stop?

What was something everyone in the chat would like?

Ah.

I had an idea. I decided to act on it immediately.

I moved my hands behind my head.

Then I made a V-sign and placed it above my head.

“Presenting… the cute bunny girl.”

– “Nice…”
– “Nice…”
– “Legend…”
– “As expected of the queen… lol”
– “She’s absolutely adorable, damn…”

The overheated chat was instantly flooded with compliments about me.

“Hehe…”

Feeling satisfied both with their praise and having successfully defused the fight, I smiled widely.

The next morning.

I stared blankly at the ceiling.

Please.

Please, tell me that all the images flashing through my mind right now are just a dream.

With trembling hands, I opened my phone and checked Bell.

Please.

Please, please.

But, contrary to my wishes, there was a VOD of the stream lasting over three hours.

Accompanied by dozens of missed calls and messages from Yoo Ji-eun and Song Chae-hyun.

“Ah… damn it…”