The Philosophy of Love and a Disciplinary Encounter

On the way, I saw a young couple arguing, which was quite unusual. My usual route to school was sparsely populated and so quiet that one could typically only hear the rustling of leaves in the wind. Consequently, any other sound stood out remarkably.

“You haven’t come to pick me up from my house or accompanied me to school all week. Do you not love me anymore?” the girl demanded. “Before, you were always with me, both going to and from school. Now, as soon as classes end, I go to your classroom and you’re gone. You don’t even answer my calls. Have you grown tired of me? Are you trying to make me break up with you?”

“No, no, darling, of course not. I just need to keep in touch with my friends sometimes. We’re always together, and they complain that I’m not being a good brother, that they can never get me to hang out. So, these past few days, I’ve just been playing games with them and going out.”

“Do you really need to spend that much time with your ‘brothers’?” she retorted. “You’ve spent an entire week with them, ignoring me! And when I call, you’re so dismissive!”

“Oh, come on. Sometimes you call right when I’m in the middle of a game. I can’t just abandon my friends because of my own stuff, right? Yes, I might have been a bit short with you then, but please try to understand me. Don’t be angry.”

“Are your friends more important than me? Is playing games with your friends more important than talking to me on the phone?”

“Oh, they can’t compare to you, right? But the main thing is, I can’t let them down. The game had already started, and if they lost because I was on the phone, how embarrassing would that be for me?”

“I like you so much, and I’m so good to you. I buy you things every day, and I even top up your game account for you. Why can’t you just be a little understanding? That day, the teacher really got to me, and I was in such a terrible mood. I called you hoping you’d comfort me, but you just brushed me off with a few words, all for the sake of playing games with others. Do you even like me at all?!”

“I like you, I definitely like you! I didn’t know what happened last night. Alright, don’t be angry anymore.”

They were such a nagging pair. Of course, I had no interest in the trivial squabbles of a couple. However, since they were walking the same route to school as I was, arguing as they went, I naturally ended up listening as I walked.

I had heard from Gao Qinghong during one of our casual chats that our school didn’t oppose students dating. This policy was deeply rooted in the school’s educational philosophy, which aimed to ‘cultivate students in morality, intellect, physical health, and aesthetics.’ It was said that the very first principal, upon the school’s founding, proposed that students should grow freely, develop their strengths, cultivate their interests, and unlock their potential. They were to be taught according to their aptitude, fostering self-awareness and independence, among other virtues.

According to our homeroom teacher, Brother Hai, love aids in personal growth. Even relationships that don’t blossom into anything lasting can yield significant lessons. Whether it’s unrequited love, heartbreak, or passionate romance, falling for a foreigner naturally compels one to diligently study a foreign language. Likewise, developing feelings for a high-achieving individual inspires one to strive and get into the same school as them. Once you fall in love, you gain boundless motivation to do things you were once bad at, things you once couldn’t do, and things you once dared not do.

This was almost Brother Hai’s philosophy on life, which he often spoke of with passionate fervor. Back then, his face was always alight with smiles. However, ever since his breakup, he seemed to grow increasingly despondent. I wished for him to overcome it.

The young couple continued their incessant bickering. The boy, it seemed, could no longer tolerate the girl’s unreasonable demands and theatrics, and began to argue back vehemently. Yet, despite their heated exchange, no truly hurtful words were uttered. Instead, the phrase, ‘Do you still love me?’ was repeatedly brought up. They were angry, yet afraid that their anger would make the other dislike them. Love, indeed, was a complicated affair.

Speaking of which, what exactly was love like? What did it feel like to fall for someone? I felt as though I had never truly experienced it. Gao Qinghong once told me that when you love someone, thoughts of them can drive you to distraction, yet simultaneously fill you with happiness. That was roughly the gist of it; he had said a lot during our conversation, but I couldn’t recall the specifics.

In essence, it was something like that: when you liked someone, you would instinctively prioritize them, treating their happiness as your own, while your own affairs would no longer take precedence. Was that truly what it meant?

Gao Qinghong’s personal experience should have been quite convincing. The feeling of being constantly preoccupied and restless from liking someone was something I could somewhat relate to. I, too, had once spent sleepless nights imagining what it would be like to play a highly anticipated game, right before its release.

If that were the case, then perhaps Gao Qinghong’s understanding of love was somewhat lacking. At least, as far as I knew, it was impossible for a person to truly relegate themselves to a secondary position. Everything a person did stemmed from some desire or need; one must seek to gain something from another to fall in love with them. That ‘something’ was precisely what we lacked ourselves, and thus projected onto others. This was my perspective.

If this theory held true, then perhaps I could explain why I had never fallen in love with anyone.

Because I desired nothing, I had never yearned for anyone.

****

“Come here, darling, give me a kiss.”

“Oh, you’re annoying~”

By the time we reached the school gate, the couple seemed to have reconciled completely. Having been lost in thought about life midway, I had no idea what had transpired. When I snapped back to reality, they were already clinging to each other, sweet and affectionate. The girl’s week-long grievances and the boy’s utter helplessness seemed to have vanished entirely.

They walked through the school gate, pressed close together, utterly oblivious to the disciplinary committee member’s pointed coughs. Love truly was a wondrous thing.

I had arrived quite early today, and there weren’t many people around. The disciplinary committee members, however, had arrived even earlier; their figures could already be seen standing guard at the entrances of various academic buildings. Previously, I wouldn’t have paid them much attention. Now, though, the situation was somewhat unique. Whether it was unconscious or something else, having become aware, I found myself glancing at them a few extra times.

“You’re early today too, Yi Chang.”

Mei Ruolan, wearing her armband, stood guard at the main school entrance—a path every student had to take. There were three disciplinary committee members on each side: some were registering students with pen and paper, others checked school IDs, and a few were tasked with observing and keeping an eye on certain key students. All of them were diligently working, yet their squad leader was greeting me.

“Seeing an acquaintance and not even greeting them? Were you just going to walk past like that?” She stopped me.

“Aren’t you on duty?” I asked. I could already feel the gazes of the other team members. Out of curiosity, I glanced at them before returning to my task.

“You always have time to say hello to me, don’t you?”

“Good morning,” I said. “May I pass now?”

“No—you may not.”

‘Surely, my greeting wasn’t inappropriate, was it? Do people not say ‘good morning’ anymore?’ I thought. “Why not?”

“Because,” she said, a sly smile gracing her lips. “It’s a surprise inspection. Open your bag and let me see.”

Regardless of whether this was punishment for not greeting her or special treatment as a fellow club member, I cooperatively took off my backpack and allowed her to inspect it. For a moment, I mentally reviewed what I had put inside that morning: house keys, a little cash, and my textbooks for Tuesday’s classes. Nothing seemed amiss.

“I thought only troublemakers needed surprise inspections,” I remarked.

“Ah-ha, Yi Chang, do you consider yourself a well-behaved, law-abiding student?” she asked, her eyes twinkling as she took my backpack and began her inspection. The moment she unzipped the bag and peered inside, her smile widened even further. She leaned closer, rising slightly on her tiptoes, and whispered in my ear with a playfully teasing voice, “Do good students keep a game console in their backpack?”

I hadn’t put my game console in my bag today… Oh, now I remembered.

“I forgot to take it out yesterday,” I murmured, lowering my voice as well.

“Is that so? Well, it seems I’ll have to communicate with the Monday squad leader then,” she whispered, her voice laced with amusement. “Now, Yi Chang, how should I handle this situation?”

“If you’re going to confiscate it, I hope you can at least return it to me by the weekend,” I pleaded. “I promised my friends we’d play an event together.”

Mei Ruolan’s breath receded from my ear. She tilted her head back, gazing at me with a silent smile. The proximity had been a little too close, I thought, and it still was. The surrounding disciplinary committee members surely felt the same, but they were adept at reading the atmosphere, knowing to say nothing and to pretend they hadn’t noticed.

“Are you the tallest in your class?” she suddenly asked.

“Second or third, I suppose,” I replied. Mu Siten, the student life committee member, and I were roughly the same height, though I couldn’t say for certain who was taller. Gao Qinghong, however, was definitely the tallest.

She continued to look at me in silence, and I couldn’t tell if she had even been listening to me a moment ago. Then, she declared, “I’ll let you off this time.” She patted my shoulder, took two steps back, and glanced at me over her shoulder as she turned away. “Remember to repay me,” she added.

Mei Ruolan returned to her original spot on one side of the main gate, resuming her inspection duties alongside the other members. No one looked at me anymore; other students rushed past, barely registering my presence. I felt as though I should have looked back at her, yet perhaps I shouldn’t have. Slowly, I made my way towards the academic building where my classroom was located.

“How am I supposed to repay her?” I murmured to myself.