Before I Could Tell You

The food from Bennet, which he was tasting for the first time, was truly delicious, just as Kazen had said. Eren thought that if he could eat such delicious food every day, he might actually want to have regular meals.

“If it’s not enough, eat more. I’m tired of Harold misunderstanding that I’m starving you, so put on some weight. Besides, you look terrible.”

“I’ll try.”

Eren was bewildered by Kazen’s excessively generous attitude. Even if it was a reward, this was too much. Moving him to a larger bedroom and making sure he ate properly—it was all awkward and incomprehensible.

It had already been five years since Eren started living with Kazen, but this was the first time he had shown kindness in this way.

‘Why is he suddenly being so nice to me?’

He didn’t know what change of heart Kazen had undergone, but to Eren, all these actions carried great significance.

At times like this, he truly felt resentful and unfair that he had so little time left. There was so much he owed Kazen, yet all he could do was handle trivial chores.

‘But shouldn’t His Grace know? He’ll need to find a replacement….’

Kazen might accept Eren’s death without much trouble. Perhaps, as he had said before, he would quickly find a replacement. Whatever the case, Eren concluded it would be best to tell him, regardless of how he took it.

“Why aren’t you eating? Does it not suit your taste?”

“Ah, no, it’s fine.”

“If it’s not that, then don’t leave it. If you leave food uneaten, I’ll punish Bennet for making a bad meal.”

Threatening to punish the chef instead of scolding Eren for not finishing his meal? For Bennet’s sake, Eren forced the food into his mouth and cleaned his plate.

“Is there any urgent work to do right now?”

Kazen, who had been quietly watching Eren chew with his cheeks full, asked leisurely.

“Nothing urgent at the moment.”

In truth, he had a lot to do. Still, he had managed to get through a fair amount in the morning, so nothing was pressing. Kazen, as if knowing this, rose from his seat and gestured for Eren to follow.

“Then attend to my bath.”

“Underst… Yes?”

Attend to his bath? The last time Eren had attended to Kazen’s bath was during his first year at the mansion when he worked as a personal valet. After that, he had become an aide and no longer handled things like changing his clothes or attending to his bath.

“What, you don’t want to?”

“Ah, no. It’s not that I don’t want to do what Your Grace asks.”

Eren bowed his head, hoping his voice wouldn’t tremble. Kazen looked at him with an indifferent gaze, then turned away.

‘Why is he doing this out of the blue?’

He followed Kazen since he was told to, but unease welled up inside Eren. It was because he had realized last night, lying in the same bed with him, that he felt desire for Kazen.

He thought surely nothing would happen, yet with Kazen being Kazen, he had no idea what he was thinking.

* * * *

He had often prepared Kazen’s bath, but attending to it was a first in a long time. Yet, perhaps his body remembered, as he moved without hesitation. First, he brought the bathrobe Kazen would change into, then quickly prepared towels and pajamas for drying off.

“Bring a glass of port wine to sip while I’m in the bath.”

Kazen instructed casually as he entered the bathroom.

“Yes, I’ll prepare it.”

When Eren hurriedly brought the wine, he saw Kazen leisurely soaking in the tub.

“I’ll pour your wine.”

“Hmm.”

Kazen took the glass Eren handed him and relaxed, leaning back in the tub.

Eren gathered his clothes and tidied up, inwardly worrying. What if he felt the same urge as yesterday when he saw his body? But perhaps because he was focused on work, his nude body didn’t bother him as much as he’d thought.

Actually, come to think of it, his body was something he saw regularly, and he had never once felt such an urge from it before. Eren concluded that he must have just been momentarily strange that evening.

“I’ll wash your hair first.”

Eren carefully approached the back of the tub and knelt down. Kazen, who had placed his glass on the side table, expertly tilted his head back and looked up at the ceiling.

“It’s been a while. You washing my hair.”

Kazen knew it had been a long time too. Eren wondered if he had just forgotten and asked anyway.

Eren wet Kazen’s hair with water while watching his expression. His exceptionally broad shoulders were as angular as if they had been deliberately carved. Unlike his delicate features, scars were visible here and there on his back.

Eren tried his best not to let his gaze linger on his body as he poured hair oil into his palm.

“Please tell me if I make a mistake.”

Speaking cautiously just in case, he brought his hands to Kazen’s hair. He was a bit nervous since it had been a while, but his body remembered and moved skillfully.

“Do you remember the day you first washed my hair?”

“Yes, I remember.”

How could he forget? Eren still remembered it as vividly as if it were last night.

“You taught me everything, how to wash your hair, how to wash your body, step by step.”

“Yes, I remember all of it, Your Grace.”

Due to the trauma from the war, Kazen couldn’t sleep alone for a while. For the first six months or so, his anxiety symptoms were so severe that Eren had to stay by his side constantly.

During that time together, Kazen taught Eren various things to help him adapt to life in the Ducal residence. The very first thing he taught him was how to read and write.

‘What, you can’t read? Then you can’t even write your own name?’

‘No, I can’t.’

The illiteracy rate in the Espel Empire was close to 70 percent, and among the poor, it was safe to say nine out of ten couldn’t read. So Eren answered without shame.

‘How can a person not know how to read? What did you learn as a child?’

‘Ah, I mainly learned odd jobs like cleaning and sewing.’

Kazen had looked at Eren, who answered shamelessly, with an expression of disbelief. Eren had been afraid he might be thrown out of the mansion for lacking the abilities Kazen wanted.

‘No help for it. If you’re going to work properly, you need to know how to read at least.’

But rather than kicking him out, Kazen offered to teach him to read. Not only that, under the pretense of wanting him to work well, he had Eren learn various things.

That was the happiest moment Eren had experienced since coming to this mansion. Eren enjoyed learning new things from Kazen. He was overjoyed to work for him and to become a useful person because of it.

Before that, he had always been struggling with hunger, scavenging for food, or doing menial jobs that no one recognized. And sometimes, holding the trembling Kazen in his arms every night, he had even entertained the illusion that he was saving him.

“There’s something I’ve been curious about, Your Grace.”

Eren carefully spoke as he poured body oil onto a soft cloth.

“What is it?”

“I’ve always wondered… that day we first met on the snowy mountain, why did you save me?”

It was a question he had carried in his heart all along. Now that he was going to die soon, he felt he might never get an answer if not now.

Kazen rested his arm on the edge of the tub and seemed lost in thought. Eren had expected him to answer immediately, but it seemed a difficult enough question to require contemplation.

While he considered his answer, Eren wiped his back with the soft cloth. As the cloth traveled down his smooth back, Kazen slowly began to speak.

“Just, no particular reason. I’m always capricious, you know. That day, I just felt like it.”

For all the time he took, it was a rather mundane answer, but it was enough for Eren. Just as Kazen had saved him for no particular reason, Eren could simply devote his loyalty to him for no particular reason.

Eren recalled the concern he had at dinner once more. Hiding his death from the one who had given him a second life felt like a betrayal.

He had to tell the truth, especially to Kazen.

“I have something important to tell you.”

Without any particular reply, Kazen reached out and grabbed Eren’s hand, which was stroking down his shoulder. Then he slowly turned his head to look at Eren’s face.

“Go ahead. I’m listening.”

“Ah, well….”

He hadn’t intended to speak while looking him in the eye. Facing those persistent blue eyes staring at him made him hesitate a little.

How should he begin? Eren’s hand twitched in Kazen’s grip as he searched for the right words.

“I heard from Doctor Rosalin that….”

The moment he finally, with difficulty, began to speak, the bathroom suddenly plunged into darkness as if by magic. Startled by the bewildering situation, Eren thought for a moment he had fainted.

“What is this?”

But it was only after hearing Kazen’s voice that he snapped back to his senses.