Chapter 37: My Idol

Negative thoughts don’t disappear easily.

They feed on all emotions and memories, using them as sustenance.

When the mind finally sinks completely into the mire of negativity, it’s over.

A sense of helplessness, beyond words, rises up, and the mind endlessly replays the worst-case scenarios.

So, once negative thoughts start, it’s best to shake them off as quickly as possible.

But that’s never an easy task, and usually, it requires a catalyst.

I knew that fact all too well.

[Natsune Nanase: I have a favor to ask. Would you be able to help me? (^_^)]

[Kaino Izumi: Can we talk about it when I get home?]

[Natsune Nanase: Of course! Take your time! ☆(o* •w・)小]

Could this be the catalyst?
I’m not sure.

Right now, I’m consumed by self-loathing.

And every time I recall Nanase’s words and see her messages, it only grows stronger.

Given my current state, is it really okay for me to talk to her?

[Annoying girl. Wish she’d graduate already.]

[Unpopular opinion: This collaboration sucked.]

“Haa… Haaa…”

My breathing quickens.

The words criticizing and slandering me replay endlessly in my mind.

Why? What did I do so wrong?

Could it be that people around me recognize me and are plotting to harm me?

That pointless worry won’t leave my mind.

Yes, pointless worry.

Since I lack any past life, there’s nothing for them to know about me, so there’s no reason to worry.

I know this. I know it, but…

I’m scared of the stares I feel in the classroom.

I worry they’re badmouthing me when they talk.

“So anyway, today…”

“Oh, right. Tomorrow, I’m planning to visit that café for the first time in ages…”

As I glanced around, I spotted students in our school uniform.

Even though I didn’t know who they were, panic set in.

“N-No…”

Instinctively, I covered my ears and closed my eyes, feeling only the rumble of the subway beneath me.

“Huuu…”

Why did I turn out this way in this life?

Honestly, I don’t know.

[Natsune Nanase: I figured Izumi would obviously know! (o`·w・)]

[Natsune Nanase: I’m doing a live stream for my first anniversary on Sunday, two days from now!]

[Kaino Izumi: Yes, of course, I know.]

I’d been waiting for it, counting down with the D-Day feature on my calendar for a month.
But now, I feel a little afraid.

Watching Nanase shine so brightly, so different from me, I feel like I might fall into despair.

[Natsune Nanase: I initially wanted to invite you to the studio and sing together.]

[Natsune Nanase: But M-chan said it might be too soon for Izumi!]

[Natsune Nanase: You don’t even have a 3D model yet, and you’re still a student, so the lesson was postponed.]

[Kaino Izumi: …Yes.]

M-chan’s judgment was spot on.

While my peers had already started singing and dance lessons, I’d only watched from the studio because I’m still a student.

But that’s just an excuse.

M-chan probably realizes it too.

That I avoid going out and meeting people, dodging lessons.

It’s obvious.

Once the 3D model is complete and lessons begin, there won’t be enough time.
If I truly wanted to take lessons seriously, being a student would never be an obstacle.

“Huk…”

I loathe myself.

I hate myself so much.

There must have been countless people who truly wanted to pursue a career in this virtual YouTuber industry.

People like that would have taken on singing and dance lessons with a smile, no matter how tough they were.
I can’t stand the thought that someone like me, who’s nothing, took that spot instead.

[Why did StarsFlow even pick someone like her?]

[The more I learn, the more flaws, not strengths, come to light, lol.]

“Huk, huuuu…”
I used to think I was somewhat immune to malicious comments and flames.

Since negative thoughts are my default, I believed I could endure a certain level of malice without trouble. I’d already faced plenty of backlash, so I thought I could laugh it off as nothing.

But that was all a misconception on my part.

The flames I’d encountered up to now, to be honest, rarely spiraled out of control.

They were always things I could laugh off.

Even if there had been genuine malice mixed in, the amount and severity were minimal.

However, the current firestorm was already filled with malicious provocation, expanding tremendously, and naturally, the malice within it had also grown enormous.

[Isn’t it crazy that a senior sighs just because she’s bad at a game?]

“No, that’s not it.”

I never sighed. Just playing with Ku-chan, whom I admired even before my debut, was fun for me.

[Why do you stammer so much? It’s annoying to listen to, and it doesn’t seem like you plan to fix it.]

“I know.”

But I can’t fix it. I hate myself for it, too.

[This kind of person is the main culprit damaging the company’s image.]

“…I suppose so?”

I’m probably just a burden on this StarsFlow company, on my peers, on my seniors, and on Nanase.

I hate it. It’s shameful. It’s repulsive. I hate myself.

Tears start to pour.

They flow endlessly, as if my promise to Kouga can no longer be kept.

[Natsune Nanase: Then how about just a simple conversation on the day itself?]

[Natsune Nanase: You don’t even have to come to the studio!]

[Natsune Nanase: Just a brief call during the MC part of the live broadcast would be more than enough!]

So, in that case…

[Kaino Izumi: I’m sorry. I don’t think I can.]

I don’t think I can fulfill that request, Nanase-senpai.

[Izumi, are you really okay?]

“Ah, yes…”

Recently, every time we talk, Kouga keeps expressing concern for me.

I’m trying my best to hide it because I know better than anyone that I’m not in a good state right now, but is it showing that much?

[Well, considering you’ve only streamed once since the collab. And that was just a collab review stream.]

“Ah, um, that’s… I’ve been working so hard lately, I think I caught something… I haven’t been feeling well.”

I’m sorry, Kouga.

I couldn’t keep the promise I made to you.

Lately, every time I lie down, I end up crying.

Because I hate myself. Because I despise myself.

[Really? Izumi, there’s something I wanted to ask. Is it that…]

“Ah, um, I… I think I need to hang up now, Kouga. S-sorry…”

I hurriedly ended the call and stared at the ceiling.

“She probably figured it out…”

Kouga is extremely perceptive.

She likely realized that negative things about me flared up during the collaboration with Kurokami-senpai and that

I’ve been reading all of those posts while ego-surfing.

She probably knows everything.

If she finds out that I even broke a promise, she’ll definitely end up disliking me, right?

So, no matter how perceptive Kouga is and how much she’s noticed my current state, I couldn’t ask her for help.

[Kaino Izumi always gets hate no matter what he does.]

[People like him are even worse because they think they’re confident or something.]

“Hicc…”

I hate the fact that people flame me because of myself.

As if I’d ever have confidence. It always feels like I’m walking on thin ice.

“Mom… Sis… I miss you…”

I resent that my mom can’t come until next week.

I resent that my sister lives on her own.

I don’t want to be alone.

Ding!

[Natsune Nanase: I’m sure Izumi has her reasons too. If she can’t make it, then it can’t be helped.]

[Natsune Nanase: …But I’d still love for her to watch the anniversary broadcast.]

After I cry, embarrassment always rushes in.

No matter how negative my thoughts get, that never changes.

“Sigh…”

Am I really supposed to be mentally in my 40s?

I sighed and read through the DM Nanase sent me.

[Natsune Nanase: I’m sure Izumi has her reasons too. If she can’t make it, then it can’t be helped.]

[Natsune Nanase: …But I’d still love for her to watch the anniversary broadcast.]

…Honestly, I’d decided not to watch the anniversary broadcast this time.

It’s embarrassing to say as her eighth star, but right now, I don’t think I’d be able to feel any happiness even if I

watched Nanase’s anniversary broadcast.

Watching Nanase’s streams usually brings me joy and strength just by tuning in.

But I felt afraid that if I watched her anniversary broadcast and couldn’t feel happy, my love for her would fade.

So, I thought I’d rather wait until I felt better and then watch it as a replay.

But with Nanase saying this much…

“I can’t possibly refuse, can I?”

[Kaino Izumi: I’ll definitely watch it.]

Is this really the right thing to do?

I don’t know.

Still, if I could wish for one thing, I’d wish to enjoy watching Nanase’s anniversary broadcast.

Ding!

[Natsune Nanase: Thank you! I’m counting on you!]

[【Natsune Nanase 1st Anniversary】 It’s finally here, the 1st Anniversary! First Anniversary 3D LIVE!]

That was the title of Nanase’s anniversary broadcast.

The waiting screen featured an illustration of Nanase, smiling brightly on stage and reaching out as if beckoning us,

alongside an image of her in workout clothes, diligently practicing her dance moves.

And in large letters in the lower right corner was “1st Anniversary.”

The one-year mark.

When I think back to the day Nanase started streaming, honestly, it still doesn’t feel real.

-(☆≥^))☆☆
-(☆≥^))☆☆

The chat was filled with eighth stars waiting for the broadcast to begin, and the live waiting room already had close to ten thousand viewers.

I think the peak viewer count during my collab with Kurokami-senpai was around six thousand…

As expected, she’s the one being credited with bringing a new golden age to the VTuber industry.
My proud favorite, Nanase.

“Whew.”

Before I knew it, the clock on my computer read 7:59 PM.

Even though it wasn’t my broadcast, I was feeling nervous.

Why, I wondered.

Was it the excitement of being able to watch Nanase’s anniversary broadcast?

Or…

As I pondered, an endless minute passed, and the clock finally struck 8:00.

Simultaneously, the screen illustration flipped over like a book, and a video began to play.

The video showed highlights of Nanase’s journey over the past year.

Starting from her debut stream, through her gaming streams, her 3D debut, her chat streams, her birthday broadcast, and more.

A sequence that would move any eighth star to tears.

Finally, the clip from her anniversary countdown broadcast from yesterday played as the closing scene, and the album cover gently shut.

[Our Ever-Shining Star]

That was the album’s title.
The screen faded to black, and after a moment, it lit up again.

[Alright! Let’s all have a great time together today!]

Nanase was standing on a grand, dazzling stage, smiling brightly with her right index finger pointing high toward the sky.

My idol, Natsune Nanase’s stage was beginning.