Chapter 4: First Tears on Stream

Views: 13,249, Likes: 131, Dislikes: 142, Comments: 394

Breaking news: The Grandmaster’s legendary trash can: turns out she’s a girl.

Whether she’s a pro gamer, a broadcaster, or just an ordinary person, she’s the type to throw around crude comments without hesitation.

The first link is the VOD, and the second is a selfie she took of herself.

I was just shocked to see it and immediately left a comment.

ᄂᄋᄋ(223.62): What is this? Why is she so pretty?

ᄂᄋᄋ(222.121): No, more importantly, why is it so provocative? It’s really something.

ᄂᄋᄋᄋ(142.115): Wow, her voice is so sexy.

ᄂᄋᄋ(3.0): I’ve already saved it and jerked off to it like crazy.

ᄂᄋᄋ(112.123): Asgard’s gay.

ᄂᄋᄋ(123.45): She’s wearing a mask and covering her eyes, so how can you say she’s pretty? These idiots are legendary.

ᄂᄋᄋ(124.43): Are you stupid? If you have that figure, that face shape, and that voice, she could at least be a star. Don’t you see her body shape?

ᄂᄋᄋ(133.24): Where’s her body shape in that hoodie, you idiot?

ᄂᄋᄋ(117.111): Can’t you see? And even if her waist is bent, with that size…

Yukgaejang: But who is this ‘Chodeukchodeuk’? We need to know what she does to recognize her.

ᄂᄋᄋ(112.113): Just shut up and search it, you noob.

ᄂᄋᄋ(119.332): Her name alone is ‘Chodeukchodeuk,’ can’t you get it? ᄏᄏ

ᄂᄋᄋ(110.111): https://www.dcinsite.com/1341335

ᄂYukgaejang: ᄉ

ᄂᄋᄋ(110.119): Wow, fuck. ᄏᄏ Is that wording something you’d expect from those delicate fingers and that head?

ᄂᄋᄋ(223.222): Wording ᄋᄌᄅ ᄏᄏ Feminist detected.

ᄂᄋᄋ(110.220): I’m going to rape and kill your mother, father, maternal grandparents, paternal grandparents—every one of them. ᄏᄏ This is legendary. ᄏᄏᄏᄏ What kind of person is she?

ᄂᄋᄋᄋ(223.210): Wow, ᄏᄏ; what kind of life do you have to live to speak like that?

ᄂᄋᄋ(12.14): I have a friend in my circle who sells her body and has tattoos, but even she isn’t this much of a slut. ᄋᄋ She probably has experience like 8,314.

ᄂᄋᄋ(223.221):  Crazy bastard.

ᄂᄋᄋ(113.113):  This is hilarious, fuck.

ᄂᄋᄋ(123.43): But isn’t there no female Grandmaster? I searched, and it seems she’s a Challenger. ᄃᄃ

ᄂᄋᄋ(134.14): There were a few before, but I don’t know anymore.

Hmm.

I’m screwed.

I’m really screwed.

I don’t want to use a secondary account, and this is the only account I have, so what should I do?

I don’t want to go out and work.

Should I at least give a sincere apology for the tasks I’ve done up to this point (from their perspective)?

I don’t want to do that.

And.

I want to act like it’s nothing and pretend to be calm, but.

The things that keep bothering me.

‘No, more importantly, why is it so provocative? It’s really something.’

‘Wow, her voice is so sexy.’

‘I’ve already saved it and jerked off to it like crazy. ᄋᄋ’

‘Can’t you see? And even if her waist is bent, with that size… ᅩᅮ.’

‘I have a friend in my circle who sells her body and has tattoos, but even she isn’t this much of a slut. ᄋᄋ She probably has experience like 1,314.’

All of it.

Oh no, sexual comments about me.

Seeing those made my face heat up.

And I don’t mean it figuratively, I literally feel the temperature rising in my face.

It keeps getting hotter and hotter, until finally…

my eyes begin to burn.

Tears started to flow.

“…Huh?”

It’s been a while since I felt this way.

Isn’t this feeling… shame?

This kind of feminine emotion surging up like this—it’s a first.

I’m a man, no, I’m a woman now, but I still think of myself as a man.

For someone like me to feel shame?

Even when I try to reason with myself, my emotions act the exact opposite.

The tears, which started slowly, began to flow uncontrollably.

“Hrk… ugh… why is this happening… ngh…”

Even though I tried to quickly wipe away my tears and muttered to myself in confusion, I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my face.

My body feels itchy.

For some reason, I even feel dirty.

Thank goodness my period just ended.

If this is how emotionally drained I am after it ended, I’m scared to think of where my emotions would’ve gone if I were still on my period.

It felt like several minutes passed before my tears finally stopped.

I was still sniffling, but at least I could think somewhat clearly again.

Do I really have to keep streaming, enduring this kind of treatment?

I don’t even know if I’ll succeed.

Should I just quit?

Honestly, now might be the best time to quit.

It’s not really a failure at this point.

But still, it feels a bit too soon to give up.

I spent quite some time with my face buried in my pillow, lost in thought, until I suddenly realized something.

But honestly…

Honestly, did I do something wrong?

At that thought, I lifted my head from the pillow and pondered deeply.

I didn’t do anything wrong.

Isn’t it the fault of those who made me angry?

It’s not like I hit anyone, so what’s the problem?

In the game world, isn’t it a failure if you’re bad at the game?

Just like how it’s natural to get criticized at work if you can’t do your job.

Isn’t it the fault of those who don’t like being criticized?

Yeah, that’s right.

I didn’t do anything wrong.

I’m not at fault.

It’s the fault of those who made me mad, nothing else.

Once I organized my thoughts like that, I felt my mind clearing up.

I quickly got up and sat at my desk.

I need to tell my viewers about my values.

What if no one tunes in?

…I might cry again.

I sat in the chair and turned on the computer.

After setting up the stream in the studio again,

I started the stream.

‘The stream has started.’

I swallowed hard.

Even though I boldly started the stream, the thought of facing all the criticism head-on made me feel a little scared.

I didn’t feel like this when I was causing trouble online.

Before long, people began to enter the stream.

10 viewers.

34 viewers.

45 viewers.

…94 viewers?

More people are joining than I expected.

My body starts trembling a bit.

“Foul-mouthed b***h lol.”

“Is it true that you were on that site?”

“Teach me some of those insults.”

“Wow, even this kind of b***h is streaming lol.”

“Why did you lie about being a virgin?”

So many mocking words and direct insults.

For a moment, my heart sinks.

Getting cursed at after causing trouble online is one thing, but getting insulted in a space that I thought was my own feels worlds apart.

My fingers tremble. My chest hurts. My lips twitch.

No, don’t be scared.

If I want to keep streaming, this is something I need to deal with.

I can’t show weakness.

I try to calm my increasingly ragged breathing and take a few deep breaths.

Then, I open my mouth.

“F… F*** off, you a**holes…”

I raised my middle finger, even though they couldn’t see it.

?

??

“Wow.”

“Lol, she’s lost it.”

“Wow.”

?

I tried not to let my voice shake, but despite my efforts, it trembled uncontrollably. I even started stuttering.

“D-did I do something wrong? It’s their fault for being bad at the game.”

“Her mindset is completely different from ours.”

“Wow, she really is crazy.”

“I only c-cursed at people who were bad! Only the ones who started it.”

I struggle to keep talking.

So far, it’s somewhat okay. Even though I’m trembling and stuttering, I can still speak.

“I… I’ll keep streaming.”

“I don’t h-have money. So I need to stream. If y-you don’t like it… leave.”

I threatened them as best I could, holding onto my weakening voice.

But then, one message in the chat caught my eye.

“Seems like your stream is going down the drain, might as well show your chest and get banned for good.”

“Sh-shut up…!”

Again, sexual harassment!

My face turned red with anger.

“Y-you, you son of a b***h!”

I’ve lost control.

The composed, logical rebuttal I imagined before I started this stream is nowhere to be found. All that’s left is a furious woman spitting out insults with a reddened face.

“So… s-so what’s your rank?”

I’m getting more emotional. Ah, this isn’t good.

“If you’ve got a problem, face me in-game, you f***ing losers.”

I realize that speaking insults is much harder than typing them out.

It’s embarrassing.

I hate this situation.

More sexual harassment comments flood in, and I start to feel like I’m completely alone.

Eventually, my eyes well up with tears again.

Sniff… sob…

“Why’s she crying after cursing people out?”

“What is this girl even doing, lol.”

“Lol, this stream is legendary. Glad I woke up for this.”

“You keep harassing me! Both here and on that other forum!”

I yelled.

But instead of stopping, the chat filled up with more harassment and laughter, as if they were enjoying it.

Those bastards… should I just turn off the stream and disappear for a while?

Maybe I could find a part-time job I can do from home.

But then, suddenly:

‘You received a donation of 10,000 KRW from ᄋᄋ.’

“Wow, this girl is totally insane. Here’s some pocket money for you.”

“Wh-what…!”

10,000 won!

That’s 10 packs of instant ramen!

That’s enough money to keep me fed for ten days!

No matter what the message said, all I could see were the zeros in the donation amount.

For someone like me, on the verge of worrying about starving, that person was practically a savior.

But I still wanted to show that I was angry. I wanted to act like none of this bothered me and that I was cool about it.

So I propped my chin on my hand, covering my mouth, and looked at the chat with a slightly tilted posture.

And in the most nonchalant, cool voice I could muster, I said:

“Th-th… thanks!”

I wanted to say it smoothly.

But my voice cracked because I was trying to swallow my tears.

It was my first donation ever.

Here is another interesting novel that will give you a similar experience like this one. Please give it a read:

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