The Ultimate Simp

“Open custom mode for me.”

[Oh dear~ Is the player attempting another risky maneuver?]

[Sweetie~ Violating the rules carries high risks. Even if I grant you backend access, mission failure will still trigger the penalty mechanism, and then we’ll both have to write self-criticism reports.]

“As if your regular options never go awry,” Zhou Yi said with a hint of exasperation. “Besides, every single day, it’s either a warning or a penalty. Aren’t you tired of it?”

[Boo… The player is so fierce!]

[These options were generated by Xiao Qi’s quantum processor after scouring data across the entire network~ Even the love gurus on Twitter have given them their approval!]

“Oh, please,” Zhou Yi scoffed. “Stop trying to fool people with data. Honestly, your data is less accurate than a roadside fortune teller.”

[Xiao Qi is indignant!] A puffed-up, bun-faced emoji popped up on the screen.

“Xiao Qi, data cannot account for human emotions,” Zhou Yi said earnestly. “The most complex and enigmatic beings in the world… have always been humans.”

She casually tucked a few stray strands of hair behind her ear and picked up the canvas bag the system had provided. The bag felt unexpectedly heavy.

Opening it, she found chilled drinks, energy bars, and neatly folded towels inside.

She smiled helplessly and walked towards the figure crouching by the side of the court.

“Junior,” she naturally crouched beside Li Yanze. “Waiting for Jiang Chen?”

Hearing her voice, Li Yanze turned his head. His heart skipped a beat when he saw who it was, and he stiffened, scrambling to his feet. “S-Senior Zhou, hello!”

Though he was merely a freshman who had just started college, everyone in the Business School knew of Zhou Yi. She was a beautiful and brilliant academic prodigy.

Rumor had it that she had turned down enough boys to fill two basketball teams for a competitive match.

Zhou Yi’s scalp tingled at the address of “Senior Zhou”; she still wasn’t quite used to it!

She forced herself to maintain a smile. “It’s fine, no need to be so formal.”

“How did Senior Zhou know I was waiting for Senior Jiang?” Li Yanze asked, twirling the edge of his towel with his fingers, his gaze constantly drifting towards the court.

He had been waiting here for a long time, hoping to catch Jiang Chen after the game, but Jiang Chen had no intention of acknowledging him.

“Just a guess,” Zhou Yi said with a perfectly straight face.

She had used this all-purpose excuse so often it was practically worn smooth. She had used it on Chen Hao, then Lin Yating, and now it was making another appearance.

After all, she couldn’t very well tell him the truth: ‘I’m sent by the system to save you lovesick fools.’

Jiang Chen inadvertently glanced their way, and his movements suddenly froze. The figure that had lingered in his mind for days was now truly standing there.

‘Why is she here?’

In that moment of distraction, the ball was immediately stolen by his opponent.

“Jiang Chen!” his teammate exclaimed.

He instantly refocused, sprinting back in a flash. He leaped up, executing a beautiful rebound dunk.

“Wow—!!” A burst of cheers erupted from off the court. All eyes were drawn to this dazzling moment, and simultaneously noticed the unexpected appearance of the Business School’s campus belle standing by the court.

However, the highly-regarded campus belle, Senior Zhou, was completely unaware that she had unwittingly become the center of attention on the court.

She still tried to force a smile she believed to be friendly as she looked at Li Yanze. “I need to talk to you about something. Could we step aside for a moment?”

Li Yanze’s hand trembled, nearly dropping his water bottle. After picking it up, he secretly glanced towards the court and saw Jiang Chen staring their way.

Sweat immediately began to drip from him in his nervousness. He shook his head at Zhou Yi. “Uh, Senior Zhou… whatever it is, you—you can just say it here. I don’t mind.”

The onlookers, pretending to tie shoelaces or adjust their pant legs, silently perked up their ears by another three centimeters.

Zhou Yi was choked by his stubborn refusal. She paused for half a second. “…I mind quite a bit.”

Only then did she realize this guy was probably afraid of becoming the subject of gossip himself. So she softened her tone and said to him, “I really have no ill intentions. I just want to chat for a bit.”

Li Yanze shook his head, remarkably persistent in his stance. “It’s fine, Senior Zhou. Just say it, I’m listening.”

Zhou Yi: “…”

The little person in her mind was already scratching at the walls in frustration.

‘Seriously, buddy, how am I supposed to respond to that? I’ve practically handed you a graceful exit, why aren’t you taking it?’

[Xiao Qi: *Giggle.jpg*]

[Do you require conversation tips from the system?]

After silently flipping a middle finger in her mind, Zhou Yi gritted her teeth and forced the conversation forward:

“Alright, Junior, why exactly do you have to wait here for Jiang Chen?”

“Because Senior Jiang looks very handsome when he plays basketball.”

“Is there something you need him for?”

“To give him water and a towel.”

“Why does it have to be today?”

“Because today is Thursday.”

“…”

Zhou Yi suddenly felt like she was talking to a KFC chatbot. Next, should she ask, “Would you like the Crazy Thursday combo meal?”

[Ding~ Detected effective information content: 0%]

[Sweetie~ Would you like Xiao Qi to provide ‘High EQ Conversation Skills’? Just transfer me 50 yuan and it’s instantly unlocked~]

“You’re still using the Crazy Thursday meme now?” Zhou Yi didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “Or how about you just transfer me 50 yuan, and I’ll go buy a sundae to cool down?”

She was certain that if Xiao Qi were human, it would be shaking with suppressed laughter right now.

The dry conversation cycled on for five minutes in this strange yet amicable atmosphere. Zhou Yi had practically exhausted all possible trivial questions, yet Li Yanze still stood ramrod straight, answering flawlessly.

A profound sense of powerlessness washed over her. She couldn’t help but lament that the system’s money was indeed not easy to earn.

Continuing this pointless chatter would yield no results. She decided to just go straight for it; beating around the bush truly wasn’t her style.

“Are you… here to find Jiang Chen about Xiao Su’s matter?”

Li Yanze’s expression immediately changed. “Senior Zhou, h-how did you know?”

“How do I know?” Zhou Yi sighed and asked him. “Let me ask you, how many times have you helped her find someone to add on WeChat?”

Hearing this question, Li Yanze suddenly began to stammer. “I… not every time…” He lowered his head. “Just this once. She really cares about it.”

Zhou Yi rolled her eyes internally. ‘Yeah, right, ‘just this once.’ As if!’

Given Li Yanze’s consistent nature, it was likely that every time Xiao Su took an interest in someone, she’d send him to get their WeChat contact. Zhou Yi guessed that Jiang Chen wouldn’t be the first, and certainly wouldn’t be the last.

“But Jiang Chen doesn’t want to add her. Don’t you think you’re putting him in an awkward position?”

“Xiao Su already asked me to. I thought, how would I know the outcome if I didn’t try…”

Zhou Yi resisted the urge to roll her eyes.

“So you’re waiting here for him to finish playing, just to intercept him?” she asked.

“Not exactly…” Li Yanze’s face instantly flushed crimson. “I just wanted to wait until he rested… if I was nicer about it, he might agree…”

Zhou Yi was truly speechless this time.

Calling this guy a ‘simp’ would be an understatement. This guy was clearly the ultimate simp with a lifetime membership, the flagship model, top-tier configuration, of the “tool-person” world.

She suppressed the urge to crack open his skull. She patiently guided him, “Then have you ever considered… if Jiang Chen agrees, and Xiao Su ends up with him because of it, what about you? What will you do?”