A Hollow Powerlessness

Peaceful days passed by. Sierra still didn’t seem to have given up on “acting like a princess,” but she appeared quite satisfied with a daily life spent acting like a spoiled child to her eldest brother. Instead of putting on airs and acting mature, she would run around outside to her heart’s content and burst into laughter whenever she was excited.

“Sierra, do you like studying or playing more?”

I asked Sierra, who was rolling around on the grass in her riding breeches. She was about to answer “Well, obviously!” before she clamped her mouth shut. She liked playing more, but she thought she had to study because she was a princess. I simply pulled her into a hug and rolled once across the grass. Sitting on my stomach, Sierra giggled and rested her cheek against my chest. I toyed with her curly blonde hair before pulling her close to kiss her forehead.

“Your brother likes playing the most.”

Sierra peeked up and met my eyes. Her mischievous pink eyes and her cheeks, tanned a healthy bronze from playing outside for days, were adorable. She finally looked like the “nine-year-old kid” I knew. Ehehe. Sierra laughed with one hand covering her mouth. I hugged the small body rubbing its cheek against my chest. I stroked her back for a long time as it rose and fell with the ragged breath of someone who had been running non-stop.

“Do you really like playing, Brother?”

“Yeah. I love it.”

“Then, Brother…”

Sierra squirmed. I lifted my head to see what she was doing. She plucked a single flower from a woven bracelet and placed it right in the center of my forehead. It wasn’t like a Buddhist urna or anything, so what on earth… But since Sierra gave it to me, I kept the back of my head still against the ground so it wouldn’t fall.

“Did you hold back even though you wanted to come out every day?”

Sierra’s small hand touched my cheek. I looked at her. Slowly, the innocent smile vanished from her face, replaced by that adult-like expression again. A face that knew both sorrow and pain. I pulled Sierra’s hand toward me and gave it a series of loud, exaggerated kisses. Her small hand smelled strongly of grass.

“Our Sierra is still a beginner at playing, I see.”

“Pardon?”

“Play isn’t something that can only be done outside.”

I looked at the wide-eyed Sierra, then sat up while supporting her back and bottom. She was quite heavy, but I could manage this much weight now. I shook my head like a wet puppy to clear it. Sierra plucked a leaf from my hair, then took the flower that had fallen when I sat up and placed it on the crown of my head this time.

“When the weather gets cold, I’ll teach you how to play indoors.”

Sierra nodded. I tried to stand up while holding her, but since I didn’t have that much strength yet… I tilted and tumbled to the side. Hugging Sierra as she laughed out loud, I joined in. Isaac, who picked us both up at once, was likely smiling too.

I played with Sierra to our hearts’ content and had lunch outside. Then we played excitedly again until sunset. For once, I had no visitors, and Sierra’s harpsichord teacher couldn’t come because of a family emergency. Spending time from morning to evening with my lovely youngest sibling was truly joyful.

Sierra went back for dinner. I felt a bit sad and asked, “Do you want to sleep over?” but she refused with a princess-like, haughty expression, saying she wasn’t a child who was afraid of sleeping alone. Our Sierra is indeed the most mature among the three siblings. I’m just an immature brat who wants to roll around on the bed with my kids, and Kallios is a little boy who has nightmares unless he’s by my side. Hmm. Somehow, the dignity of the older brothers seems to be vanishing… It must be my imagination.

Once the child left, exhaustion washed over me. Unlike lunch, where I had greedily eaten everything, I only managed a few spoonfuls of soup for dinner. I just smiled, thinking of the girl who had returned home with a vibrant face.

Isaac didn’t push me further and cleared the meal. Seeing my face dazed with sleep, he seemed to think it was better to put me to bed. Isaac is such a good nanny. I stroked his head in praise.

“I will take you to the bath.”

“Mm-hmm.”

Since I had been playing outside all day, I had to wash before bed. When I nodded, Isaac lifted my slumped body from the chair.

There are many good things about becoming ‘Kaian,’ but if I had to pick one right now, it would be having someone to wash me even when I’m still. How much had I wished for this while exhausted from overtime, face-down in a tiny living room without even taking off my shoes? I had wished someone would wash me and tuck me into bed. Back then, no one came no matter how long I waited on the cold floor. Now, someone skillfully undresses me, puts me in water at my favorite temperature, lathers me up, and even washes my hair. Even…

“Say ‘ah’.”

When I opened my mouth and said “ah,” a toothbrush slid right in. The soft bristles rubbing against my teeth felt ticklish, making me laugh. Obert, the valet with a serious expression, even brushed my teeth as carefully as if he were handling something expensive. I found his expression funny and teased him by pushing the brush away with my tongue, only to behave when he called out “Your Highness” firmly. By the end of the brushing, I was perfectly clean and fresh.

I was wrapped in a large towel and carried out. Seeing me, who usually washed alone or finished up myself even if others helped, being carried out so tamely must have been strange, as Isaac, who was waiting outside, came over to take me in his arms. But I was so tired. I felt like I could fall asleep right now. Actually, I had dozed off briefly in the tub. I was only awake now because of that short, sweet nap.

Isaac wiped the remaining moisture from my body, which was still thin but had gained more weight than before. I stayed still, slumped in the chair. Soon, pajamas were put on me.

“Wanna sleep.”

“Please go to sleep.”

“Wanna lie down.”

“You sleep well even while sitting, don’t you?”

I tilted my head back. The towel that was pressing against my forehead now wrapped around my entire head. True. I do sleep well while sitting. But right now, I wanted to sleep lying down.

“No. Can’t.”

“Then please bear with it just a little longer. If you sleep like this, you might catch a cold.”

“Hwaaaaam… Yeah. I hate colds.”

Isaac indulged all my sleepiness while drying my hair. My eyelids were heavy, so I kept yawning with my eyes half-closed. Isaac chuckled and covered my eyes with the towel. Just go to sleep? No way. I’m going to see Kallios come in before I sleep. Since I spent the day fully with Sierra, I’m going to finish it with Kallios…

I woke up to a rustling sound. I wasn’t fully awake; my consciousness, which had been buried in sleep, had just half-floated to the surface. I let out a groan and turned my head toward the sound.

The room was dark. Thanks to the bright moonlight pouring through the large window, it wasn’t too dark to distinguish things, but it was definitely the middle of the night.

I reached out to the figure shrouded in darkness. Kallios brought his cheek to my palm. The touch of his warm body heat made me feel good. I wrapped my arm around his neck. My pulling strength should have been nothing to him, but he willingly let himself be pulled into my embrace. His hair, falling over my nose and lips, was soft. It smelled good.

Kallios, who had been hugged awkwardly, hugged my waist and pressed his body closer. I tossed and turned from my position on my back and lay on my side to face him. I extended the arm that had been around his neck to give him an arm pillow. Sleep well, I mumbled an inhaled greeting, then closed my eyes and mouth. I was so sleepy. After a few rhythmic breaths, I fell back into sleep.

“Huu…”

It tickled. Something damp was tickling the nape of my neck. I tossed and turned to avoid it. I was sleepy and wanted to sleep more, but the tickling sensation kept following and bothering me. In my sleep, I flailed my arm. My wrist was caught and pinned down. I tried to roll my back-lying body to the side. It wasn’t easy to move because something heavy was pressing down on me.

“Ugh, what is it…”

I flailed my other arm. Something warm and soft touched my hand. That wrist was also caught and pinned. A hot breath blew against the nape of my neck. I shuddered at the chilling sensation and opened my eyes. Since it was dawn, the light filling the room was blue. The thing that had touched my neck was pulling and sucking on my thin skin. I snapped awake. I lowered my gaze, struggling to pull my pinned arms free. Beneath my chin was Kallios’s blonde hair, and his back was hunched over me.

What is this?

Even while I was frozen in a daze, Kallios kept sucking on my neck and nibbled the skin he had pulled with his teeth. He pressed and rubbed his tongue against the skin caught between his teeth and kissed the wet spot again.

“Kallios?”

When I called him, he tightened his grip on my wrists. With his lips pressed behind my ear, he called me.

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

With my fists clenched, I flailed my legs, which were at least somewhat free.

“Hey, Kallios.”

My flailing arms were pulled up above my head. Kallios pinned both wrists with one hand. His free hand slid under my clothes. His fingertips stroked the bare skin of my waist and my thin ribs. I got goosebumps. F*ck this.

“Your Majesty.”

His hand stroked my chest. His warm hand felt my entire chest before he used his thumb to press and rub a protrusion I didn’t even know I had. I wasn’t a fool who didn’t know what his actions meant. I shut my eyes tight and then opened them.

“Why, for what reason?”

The one whispering in my ear raised his head. I faced a blank, expressionless face. An expressionless, doll-like face where all emotions had been worn away from enduring a miserable life, making it impossible to show any expression… No, it wasn’t. After checking Kallios’s empty left cheek at age twenty, I could finally breathe properly. I let out a deep breath I didn’t even know I was holding and called him.

“Kallios.”

“Me.”

“Open your eyes. Kallios.”

His face, which was slowly approaching as if to kiss me, stopped just before touching. I looked straight into his eyes, which were like dried bloodstains, and called his name again. Kallios. At my call, he slowly closed and opened his eyes.

He let go of the hand that was pinning my wrists. I raised my aching arms and wrapped them around his neck. He collapsed into my embrace. His breath was ragged as he buried his face in my chest. I closed my eyes and stayed still for a moment. The loud thumping of a heart beating rapidly out of surprise echoed in my ears.

I clenched and opened my trembling hands a few times. Good. It’s subsided.

“Did you sleep well?”

He didn’t answer and pressed his ear to my chest. I cautiously stroked his hair.

Kallios left the room without even saying goodbye. It looked like he was running away. I was about to tell his back that it was okay, but I stopped. Because it wasn’t okay at all.

The sensation of the damp tongue and hot breath on my neck was vivid. So was the presence of the thermos… pressed against my thigh.

But the reason my heart kept racing and I couldn’t calm down wasn’t because of that. I bit my lip while fiddling with my wrist, which had a red handprint left on it. My brother almost became a dog while drunk on a dream, and I couldn’t stop it. For the first time in my life, I felt a sense of powerlessness.

Isaac entered the room. Did you sleep well? The greeting turned into a gasp as he ran toward me.

“Your Highness!”

I pushed Isaac’s hand away. It was a place I was reluctant to even touch myself. Isaac was my trusted knight, but I didn’t really… want him to touch the place where the marks of Kallios’s biting and sucking remained.

I looked at Isaac, who couldn’t even finish his sentence and just stared at me, and I smiled.

“What is this…”

“Isn’t today the day the guest is supposed to come?”

I took Isaac’s still-clenched fist in both of my hands and wrapped them around it. Isaac looked at my wrist and gritted his teeth. Ah. Right. There was a handprint left.

“Your Highness.”

“Was it Marquis Lomond?”

“Your Highness. What on earth happened?”

I was about to say it was nothing, but I just shrugged my shoulders instead.

“His sleeping habits are a bit bad.”

I added, ignoring Isaac’s face that looked like it had a lot to say.

“But nothing happened.”

This was true, so the words came out easily. Being sucked on the neck and having my chest touched a bit wasn’t a big deal. I’ve often had my whole body washed by others’ hands. I got out of bed with a calm expression. Let’s get ready. You said he’s coming in the morning. While moving reluctantly at my command, Isaac kept glancing at my neck.