Chapter 44 : It’s about respect . Please respect preferences

“I’m going to go talk to unnie for a bit.”

So-eun declared to Health Boy and Heechan, then grabbed my hand and dragged me away.

“Hey, what’s wrong all of a sudden?”

My small protest was completely ignored.

So-eun dragged me out of the living room and into the hallway by the front door. She spoke in a low voice, but with a determined tone, perhaps worried that our conversation might be overheard in the living room.

“Unnie. Do you have no concept of shame, as a woman, or even as a human being?”

As she said that, So-eun reached out and firmly grabbed my chest.

“Kyaaaak?!”

I was startled and slapped her hand away, taking three steps back.

With a slightly exasperated expression, as if I had done something trivial, So-eun said to me.

“Can’t you feel even half, no, a quarter, no, an eighth of that shame on the internet, too?”

No, I mean, this is, I’m being wronged here.

How can I feel shame towards my viewers, those guys? I understand 100% how their minds work.

When I shake my boobs in front of them, the only feeling I have is, ‘Heh, you don’t have these at home, do you? But I do, heh. Be jealous for the rest of your lives!’ That’s the extent of my feelings.

But So-eun is a woman, she’s pretty, she’s right in front of me, and just looking at her face makes me feel a little embarrassed and shy, and there’s this, this indescribable feeling! Okay!

“Sometimes it seems like you think I’m the opposite s*x and the Switch viewers are the same s*x as you.”

No, how did you analyze it so deeply? So-eun, you have a talent for being a detective. Your insight is no joke.

“At first, I thought maybe it’s natural to have pride and confidence in your body, but the more I saw, the more I thought, maybe this isn’t confidence, but a lack of self-esteem. Do you perhaps have some ridiculous notion like, ‘No one will look at me if it’s not for my chest! This is the only way I can be loved!’? Huh, unnie? You’re someone who can be loved enough without that. I like you, for one. Is my attention not enough for you? Do you need a man?”

“No, So-eun. You’re, you’re having a huge misunderstanding.”

I’m not some fictional character in a literature student’s novel who says, ‘I’m sad, so I have s*x,’ and I’m certainly not a crazy woman who uses her breasts as a weapon to seduce men due to a compulsive need to be loved.

“I’m just, um.”

But this is, it’s hard to explain. I’m a guy on the inside, so I don’t feel sexual shame towards other guys! How do I explain that?

Should I try to make up something plausible for now?

“I guess I just don’t see a reason to feel so embarrassed towards an unspecified number of people beyond cyberspace?”

“Then are you planning to shoot a nude pictorial next? As long as I, who lives with you, don’t see it, it’s fine? No matter who on the internet sees it?”

“No, why did it end up like that?”

With a scary expression, So-eun made a threatening gesture, wriggling her fingers.

“Should I engrave what shame is into your body, bit by bit, today?”

That’s a very exciting, no, that’s not it.

“Calm down, So-eun.”

I felt a threat to my chastity! Here, in someone else’s house! Just a few steps away from where Health Boy and Heechan are! In a place like this?

“I’m upset! Why don’t you cherish your body more! What’s the reason?”

But instead of pouncing on me, So-eun suddenly started to cry. Not sobbing and wailing loudly, but tears streamed down from under her pretty eyes, and she cried silently.

Then my mind went completely blank. How did the misunderstanding get this far?

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, so calm down first!”

“Why do you let them say such harsh and nasty things like ‘milking cow’ and ‘cyber prostitute’? Why do you even call yourself that! You’re not selling your body! Why do you put yourself down like that! It’s upsetting to hear! Sniff!”

I mean, it’s just a joke, but maybe it wasn’t just a joke for So-eun.

I wouldn’t really care if someone called me a prostitute, and a cyber prostitute isn’t even a real prostitute, it just felt like a joke to me.

Maybe So-eun’s sensitivity, having been born and raised as a woman, made it hard for her to take my self-deprecating humor as just a joke.

“Even when I’m by your side, taking care of you, helping you, are you just as lonely and alone as when you were holed up in that small room? Is it because I’m a woman, not a man, that I can’t fill any part of your heart?”

No, how far did her delusions go to make such a serious and profound misunderstanding?

On the contrary, thanks to So-eun clearly and definitely filling the parts that guys couldn’t fill no matter how much they fawned over me, my mental illness has improved a lot.

Have I felt any self-harm or suicidal impulses in the past few weeks? At least since I came to So-eun’s house, not once.

“No. I’m really happy now. I like living with you. I like it a lot. I’m not lonely at all. I haven’t self-harmed at all these days,”

“Unnie, did you use to self-harm?”

Oops, my loose lips! In my panic, I said something I shouldn’t have. So-eun’s expression turned serious, and she grabbed my arm, closely examining the inside of my wrist, where self-harm scars typically appear.

…………I’m so glad my body changed, so glad all those scars disappeared.

“No, I just bit my nails and stuff. I’ve never cut myself with a knife or anything.”

At least not with this body.

At my words, So-eun still had a fierce look in her eyes as she took my hand and checked if my nails were intact.

“Unnie, why are your nails short only here?”

So-eun pointed to my right middle and ring fingers. It was a subtle difference, barely noticeable on a hand cam, something you’d only notice if you held my hand and looked closely. The nails on those two fingers were slightly shorter than the others.

It wouldn’t take much thought to figure out why those two fingers, in particular, had shorter nails, but So-eun was in a state where she had lost some of her reason.

“Did you bite them? Did you self-harm?”

“No, no.”

How can I say that out loud? It’s embarrassing.

“Then why are your nails short only here?”

“Are you really asking because you don’t know?”

You can figure it out with a little thought!

“Unnie, no one can know if you don’t tell them. It’s too much to expect people to understand without being told.”

Do I really have to say that out loud?

“I can’t say it!”

“Say it!”

“How can I say that I trimmed them because it hurts when I stick them in there! Kyaaaaaak!”

Uaaaaaaah! So embarrassing! I’m dying! My face was already prone to blushing easily, but this time it felt like it was burning up so much from the blood rush that I felt dizzy!

I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die!

I immediately put on my shoes, ran out the front door, and fled outside.

“Unnie! I’m sorry! Come back!”

“Don’t chase me! Leave me alone!”

But with this trash body, I couldn’t outrun the healthy So-eun, and I was caught before I could even run 20 meters.

“A mouse hole… Give me a mouse hole, please…”

“Unnie, do you understand shame a little better now?”

So-eun’s expression looked somewhat pleased, as if she had won.

“I was wrong. I was wrong. I was wrong. I was wrong.”

My heart feels like it’s breaking, seriously.

In the apartment emergency stairwell, a place where no one goes.

I looked at So-eun with a very serious expression and said.

“I actually, like being sexually harassed.”

F*ck it, I don’t know. My life is already ruined. Might as well go for broke.

“When people call me a milking cow or a cyber prostitute, it makes me feel good, so I intentionally provoke them.”

To clear up So-eun’s serious misunderstanding of me, I had no choice but to induce an even more serious misunderstanding.

“Can you accept me, even like this?”

“…….”

Ah, this is the best I can do.

If I suddenly try to act prudish now, it’s a guaranteed downfall.

If I suddenly try to act demure and innocent after riding the boob coin to the top, it’ll just ruin the stream.

But if I keep acting like a cyber prostitute, So-eun’s mental state will deteriorate as she watches.

I thought she was surprisingly tolerant of my boob-centric broadcasts, but it turns out she was just holding back her frustration and it exploded now.

So there’s only one way to keep this broadcast concept and be accepted. I just had to convince her that I enjoy this situation.

But I can’t explain that I’m a man on the inside, so I’m immune to sexual harassment from men. Therefore, the only remaining option was to trick her into thinking I’m a perverted woman who enjoys sexual harassment.

‘What if she kicks me out of the house?’

It’s not like I’m in a bad enough situation that I can’t find a place to live, but I’ve gotten so used to So-eun that I’d feel really sad if she wasn’t around.

“I, I see. That kind of, preference actually exists. I thought it only appeared in weeb comics! Haha.”

So-eun’s eyes darted around in all directions. It seems that my newly adopted perverted woman concept was quite difficult to accept.

A fetish that even a weeb game illustrator finds hard to accept? What the hell is this!

“Yeah, if it’s a preference, I’ll respect it…………”

So-eun said she would accept me even like this, but I felt like the emotional distance between us had increased by about 500 meters.

No, not just emotional distance, it seems like our physical distance has also increased. So-eun, why are you backing away like that?

‘Should I just die?’

I felt like I wanted to find a reset button for my new life.

Anyway, this way, I was able to get So-eun’s permission to continue my boob-shaking cyber prostitute broadcasts.

‘Should I just die?’

Should I just die?