The Weight of Individuality and an Unexpected Request

When did we first become aware of our own individuality? Was it the first time we looked into a mirror, discovering the reflection mimicked our every move? Was it during our tender age, realizing that no amount of crying could summon our mother?

Or was it when we began our studies, constantly measured against others at every turn?

Can we prove our own existence? Do we accept ourselves? Do we love ourselves?

Or perhaps none of this truly matters. We might drift through life aimlessly, free and joyful, without questioning or self-reflection, and still thrive.

If that were truly the case, why does the reflection in the mirror always gaze back at you with such sorrow?

****

“Brother Yi, are you busy today?”

Huang Zhouyu approached me, signaling the end of the last class of the afternoon. This meant we were free to do as we pleased. Yet, this wasn’t entirely true.

After school, there wasn’t much to do. We’d process the day’s events, reminisce about the past, and then fret over the future. The remaining time we’d fill with trivialities, seeking to alleviate the day’s weariness. In short…

“There’s nothing to do.”

“That’s excellent!” My handsome and quick-witted classmate beamed with delight. “Can I come over to your place today?”

‘Bringing a friend home to play. How many years had it been? Had I not felt such closeness with anyone since third grade?’

“You can,” my voice was devoid of warmth, yet without resistance. “Do you want to stay overnight?”

“I can stay overnight?” His joy intensified. “Then I’ll head back and prepare. What do your parents like? I’ll bring them a gift.”

“They’re usually not home,” I said. “There’s no need to be so formal.” Huang Zhouyu seemed too well-versed in social etiquette for his age, an age where such things shouldn’t concern him. Or perhaps this is precisely the age one should learn such things, and I simply remained ignorant.

A wave of solitude washed over me. The moment the dismissal bell faded, the classroom was left with only us and two students on duty. Our conversation echoed in the now-empty classroom, but the topics weren’t compelling enough to make the students on duty eavesdrop. Finishing their cleaning and heading home was far more pressing for them.

“So, why the sudden desire to come to my place?” I asked, simply to pass the time.

“You know how it is with guys… some days you just don’t want to go home,” His excuse, for some reason, made me feel a touch of revulsion. “But mainly, I just want to play. I’ll tell you the minor details once we’re at your place.”

Alright.

My parents had adopted a hands-off approach to me; this was a fact already established. In the vast house, I was virtually the only one using most of the belongings.

They wouldn’t even care if the house were burglarized, as their valuables were rarely kept at home. My father had an apartment at the driving school, and my mother traveled extensively with her team, either sleeping on planes or in hotels.

Thus, this house, which they had worked half their lives to buy with a mortgage, was left entirely at my disposal.

****

Today, an unusually large number of students left school at the same time, all converging at the school gate. Students streamed out, dispersing quickly beyond the entrance.

Our school was rich in club activities, so normal dismissal times wouldn’t be so uniform. Yet, I noticed that other parts of the school were empty, devoid of their usual liveliness, with only a few groups of boarding students hurrying to the cafeteria remaining.

A certain atmosphere permeated the campus, causing the students’ usual rhythm of life to become abnormal. Was the city hosting an event, or had the school announced something that I alone was unaware of?

“So, what are we playing tonight? Valorant and Pokémon? Or should we try something new?”

“New games, such as?”

“Backrooms, of course,” he replied. “It’s really popular lately.”

“An online horror game, then?” I had a slight understanding; indeed, many such games had appeared on my radar recently. “Didn’t we play Phasmophobia for a bit last time? Are we already switching to something new?”

“Phasmophobia has too much to remember, making it cumbersome to play,” He waved his hand dismissively. “Besides, Gao is really afraid of jump scares. Despite his imposing stature, he’s actually easily startled.”

He nearly burst into laughter as he said this. “But he’s unmoved by chase-style horror games. He doesn’t seem to fear ghosts, just jump scares.”

‘Could that be true?’

“So it’ll still be the three of us,” he planned. “We’ll play Valorant for a bit, then Pokémon, and then Backrooms in the early hours. Oh, Zhang might want to come too. Can our squad bring him along?”

“I don’t mind,” I replied. ‘Who is Zhang, anyway? Zhang Zhongcheng, or Zhang Zhipeng? Who in our class even has the surname Zhang?’ “I probably can’t play in the early hours. I didn’t sleep well last night, so I need to go to bed early tonight, or I’ll doze off in class again.”

“Hmm?” Huang Zhouyu looked bewildered. “What class?”

“Don’t we still have two English classes and one Chinese class on Friday?”

“We don’t have class tomorrow,” he said. “Did you sleep yourself silly, Brother Yi? Tomorrow is the Dragon Boat Festival holiday.”

‘The Dragon Boat Festival holiday. Ah, that’s why. So that’s what it was. What exactly do you do for the Dragon Boat Festival, anyway? Eat tangyuan or zongzi? I couldn’t recall. The only impression these festivals left in my mind was the various discounts in commercial districts. What exactly constituted celebrating a holiday, anyway?’

We slowed our pace, chatting about games and waiting for the crowds to disperse. Neither Huang Zhouyu nor I seemed in a hurry to go home, and our conversation flowed effortlessly when we talked about games. Was this what it was like to have friends of the same age with shared interests?

As the throng gradually thinned, we finally exited the school gate.

“So, following this logic, you absolutely have to catch a female Gardevoir. Otherwise, what’s the point of designing Gallade…”

Huang Zhouyu was rattling on about some niche gaming theories of his, but he abruptly stopped the moment we stepped outside the school gate. Skilled in social graces and adept at reading the atmosphere, he always knew how to react on the spot.

“Ah, cough, cough, Brother Yi,” He scratched his head. “Um, I’m going home to grab my laptop and game console first. Just send me your location whenever you’re ready.”

He fled as if escaping a crime scene, departing with remarkable speed. I could largely guess the reason for his hasty departure.

Generally, I would consciously or unconsciously disregard my surroundings, reducing the visual information I absorbed and lessening the burden on my brain. It was, in a way, a technique to make my life a little easier.

However, this technique failed when confronted with a powerful presence. She leaned against the school wall, concealing herself in the shade of the protruding foliage.

The afternoon sun was already soft, and her actions were an attempt to evade the glances of passersby. She demurely lowered her head, her eyes cast down in thought, as if silently asking not to be disturbed.

Yet her delicate features and captivating aura shone like a star in the night. No matter how the starlight tried to conceal itself, people would inevitably fixate on the brightest beacon in the vast cosmos.

This was Yu Tianman’s allure, and I was no exception. I saw some boys lurking further away, standing there, phones in hand, taking photos. Yu Tianman noticed, but chose to ignore them.

Ignorance was a skill we had to master; if one cared about everything, life would become exhausting. So, even though I noticed Yu Tianman there, I didn’t go to greet her.

She was likely waiting for someone, and there was no need for me to specifically approach her. It wouldn’t do to delay her. Thus, ignoring her was the correct choice. As long as you didn’t initiate anything, nothing would happen. It was perfectly safe.

Thus, I walked past Yu Tianman, casually glancing at the storefronts along the road. Nearly a year had passed since I started high school, and I hadn’t visited many of these shops. I took out my phone, preparing to send my home location to Huang Zhouyu, telling him he could come anytime.

“Going home?”

“Mm.”

My hand, poised to type a message to Huang Zhouyu, hovered over the screen. I looked up to see who had spoken.

“You, you,” Yu Tianman said, both exasperated and helpless. “Did you really intend to walk past me without a single word?”

“Weren’t you waiting for someone?”

“…” Tianman frowned, gazing at me with a strange expression. As her brows relaxed, she offered a wronged, yet forced, smile. “Yi Chang, you truly don’t understand people’s hearts.”

“Even the greatest psychologists can’t decipher the human heart, can they?”

“While that may be so,” she tilted her head back, “While that may be so! But you’re not like that, blockhead.”

‘I didn’t understand. Had I angered her? Was I about to add yet another entry to the countless mistakes of my life?’

“My apologies.”

“I’m not angry,” she said. “I’m just… a little unhappy.”

“Isn’t that the same thing?”

Yu Tianman hesitated, her words caught in her throat. Her wistful gaze seemed to reproach me, urging me to reflect on my actions, yet I still hadn’t grasped what I had done wrong.

“While I appreciate this about you, at times like these, I truly wish you could be more like a normal boy,” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Never mind. There’s something important today, so let’s not dwell on this.”

I listened attentively.

Yu Tianman took a deep breath. “Mei Ruolan told me about what happened at noon,” she said, collecting her thoughts. “Although we’ve known each other since kindergarten and often confided in each other, like sisters? That might sound a bit cheesy, but our bond is very strong.”

She was filled with pride whenever she mentioned Mei Ruolan. “But precisely because our bond is so strong, there are aspects of Mei Ruolan that I’ve come to not understand. In high school, she suddenly made so many new friends, started getting along with everyone, joined the Disciplinary Committee, helped out various clubs… I subtly accepted these changes without ever asking her why she did it.”

“Don’t let Mei Ruolan’s height, good figure, and outgoing personality fool you. Before high school, she was a total pushover. If someone knocked her down, she’d be the one apologizing. Whenever she faced a problem or difficulty, she’d come to me, asking ‘What should I do?'”

Yu Tianman recounted the bond she shared with Mei Ruolan, a past I was unaware of, aspects of her I had never witnessed. I simply listened, absorbing her emotions, her yearning.

“Today, Mei Ruolan came to me for help after a long time,” Yu Tianman offered her characteristic sweet smile, yet it was painfully forced, like a waning crescent moon, gradually fading, enshrouded by layers of mist, yet still attempting to emit a light that wasn’t its own.

This light was desolate and poignant. “But there are some things, as her friend, I could no longer help with. So, I could only come and ask you. Yi Chang, could you… help her for me?”

Even in our closest relationships, there are always aspects of others we can’t fully comprehend. These are the proofs of their individuality, the proofs that we are not them. We don’t see the same scenery; we don’t describe the same landscapes. The worlds we perceive are distinctly different. Your happiness is not my happiness, and my happiness is not yours.

Yet, when we realize this even about the people we are closest to, an unavoidable sense of loneliness settles in our hearts.

“Why are you so certain I can help her?”

Yu Tianman tilted her head playfully. “Who knows?” She gazed into my eyes, smiling softly. “Perhaps, as Dorothy says, you are an empty person. So, I thought, no matter who we are, no matter what undesirable aspects we possess, you would surely accept us.”

For a moment, I didn’t know how to respond.

“Yi Chang. Can I entrust Mei Ruolan’s matter to you?”

Although some things remained unclear, my life was full of things I didn’t understand, so I saw no need to dwell on it. Since Yu Tianman had asked me, and I had no reason to refuse.

“Alright.”