You Can Trust Me

Haeyoon’s eyes widened as far as they could go.
He couldn’t understand why Jeongha was apologizing for something he should be apologizing for.
Regardless, Jeongha carefully adjusted the blanket draped over Haeyoon and continued.
“I was too hasty, I pushed you on my own. That’s not why I came here….”

Jeongha admitted it himself.
It was his mistake.
He had been swept up in the moment and acted impulsively.
Seo Haeyoon was different from him.
He wasn’t the type to easily sleep with someone just to satisfy a desire and then forget about them.
He knew that, so why had he gotten so excited and rushed in?

It wasn’t just Seo Haeyoon; Baek Jeongha wasn’t like this either.
Sleeping with someone who could complicate the relationship was one of the things Jeongha strictly avoided.
And now, he hadn’t even properly defined his relationship with Haeyoon.
In front of others, they were lovers, but when alone, they acted like friends.
They were even less the type who could sleep together once and then cleanly forget about each other.
No matter how much the mood led that way, he had given in too easily.
Even though he didn’t yet know what kind of relationship he wanted to have with him after sleeping together.
Having absolutely no intention of ending it in one night, yet unable to grasp what he wanted beyond that night, he had foolishly made the first move with his body.
It was the first time in his life he had acted so stupidly and pathetically.
“No, it’s not. It wasn’t you forcing me, so why are you apologizing?”

Startled, Haeyoon added hastily.
Jeongha shook his head calmly and spoke.
“You know what.”

His voice was so firm and mature in that moment that Haeyoon instinctively pressed his lips together.
It felt like spotting a signal in pitch-black darkness.
Jeongha let out a short sigh.
He seemed to be holding back anger, but Haeyoon could tell, without asking, that it wasn’t anger directed at him.
“You’ll get better.”

Jeongha wasn’t gifted at comforting people.
He had never done it, never wanted to.
But this moment was different.
Even if he lacked skill, even if it was unfamiliar, he wanted to hold Seo Haeyoon’s wounded heart.
“…I’ll make sure you get better.”

What kind of feeling was this?
Wanting to soothe the pain of someone who could overcome it on their own—where did this feeling come from?
Could there be a friendship this tender?
Had some cheap camaraderie sprouted?
Or.
Or perhaps.

Pushing down these difficult, tangled feelings, Jeongha spoke.
“You can trust me.”

Only one thing was clear: whatever this feeling was, Jeongha still wanted to be by Seo Haeyoon’s side.
And the price those two who had broken Haeyoon this badly had to pay should not end here.
Even if he didn’t know exactly what caused Haeyoon’s panic today, Jeongha instinctively knew it was because of Oh Jaeyeol and Ahn Seonwoo.
Haeyoon’s insides, where he had tried to endure alone without even expressing anger, were probably all burned and festered.
If left alone, it would heal someday, but Baek Jeongha had no intention of just letting it be.
Splashing some cold water at their wedding was nowhere near enough.
Seo Haeyoon had endured the darkness and terror of that vast universe alone, yet Oh Jaeyeol and Ahn Seonwoo were still standing firmly on solid ground, bound together as a married couple.
That didn’t make sense.
Baek Jeongha’s revenge wasn’t like that.
“I won’t ever let you endure it alone again.”

To win in this ‘game’ that had somehow become real, it was time to move, without further delay.

* * * *

Haeyoon sat curled up on the sofa in the dark living room for hours.
He had been like this since Jeongha left.
After the commotion subsided and he confirmed Haeyoon had calmed down, Jeongha had left immediately.
He was clearly trying to give Haeyoon space, worried about making him uncomfortable.
Knowing this, Haeyoon couldn’t bring himself to stop him.
It was true that his thoughts were complicated and he wanted to be alone.

But even after Jeongha left, he didn’t feel at ease.
Instead, he felt empty and anxious.
Even though he had lived alone since his college days, he felt a strange hollowness.
He also regretted letting Jeongha apologize.
He couldn’t deny he had been foolish and shameless.
Anyone could see it was his fault, yet he had ended up making Jeongha apologize.

Haeyoon pulled his knees to his chest and buried his face in them.
Everything was a mess.
Since the wedding of Jaeyeol and Seonwoo, Haeyoon had been doing fairly well.
He hadn’t cried alone as before, hadn’t writhed in misery, hadn’t felt heartache thinking of Oh Jaeyeol and Ahn Seonwoo.
He thought he was okay now.
But he wasn’t.
Today, he realized he still had wounds he hadn’t even seen himself.
When he closed his eyes, the filthy, horrific scenes of that day returned.
He hadn’t gotten better; he had just been avoiding the unbearable pain.

All those acts—kissing, touching—felt dirty and disgusting.
Even knowing it was just the problem of those two, Oh Jaeyeol and Ahn Seonwoo, he couldn’t erase the nauseating feeling.
“Ugh…!”

A wave of nausea surged, and Haeyoon rushed to the bathroom.
He gagged violently several times, but nothing came out, yet his stomach kept churning.
After suffering from the unresolved discomfort for a while, Haeyoon undressed and stepped into the shower, turning on the water.

After breaking up with Jaeyeol, Haeyoon would often scrub his body harshly for hours, as if punishing himself.
It wasn’t washing; it was closer to self-harm.
Even as he repeated this, Haeyoon hadn’t realized something was wrong with him.
In truth, it was only natural.
The betrayal by the two people he had trusted and relied on for nearly a decade, in the most devastating and cruel way, was not a wound that would disappear easily.
Until things came to a head today, even Haeyoon hadn’t known he was hurting this much.
He hadn’t known.
“Hic….”

A sob escaped.
He felt a sense of injustice—why was he the only one still hurting like this?
And then, fear—had Baek Jeongha, seeing him like this, been disappointed in him?

Haeyoon had to admit it.
At some point, he had naturally started relying on Baek Jeongha.
The reason he could delude himself into thinking he was almost better was because Jeongha had always protected him, leaving no room for him to break.
But was it okay to rely on him?
Would this feeling burden Jeongha?
From the beginning, Baek Jeongha hadn’t placed much significance on Haeyoon or the journey they had taken together.
Wouldn’t he think it was pathetic that Haeyoon was clinging to him?

His shattered emotions, unable to recover easily, kept swirling in a vortex.
‘You’ll get better.’
Then, he heard a gentle voice in his ear.
‘…I’ll make sure you get better.’
It was the warmth of Baek Jeongha, who, despite having been pushed away rudely and unfairly, had not blamed him but rather wrapped him in warmth.
_’You can trust me.’*

Jaeyeol had always told him to trust him as a lover.
And Ahn Seonwoo, who said he would never find a friend like him again—needless to say.
Haeyoon knew better than anyone how easily the word “trust” could vanish.
Even with love and friendship backing it, trust could become so trivial.
_’I won’t ever let you endure it alone again.’*
So what was different about Baek Jeongha’s words?
What made him so sure they were different?
Why, even in a moment like this, did Haeyoon find himself hoping that Baek Jeongha wouldn’t leave him?
Strictly speaking, theirs was an ambiguous relationship—not lovers, not friends.
He was someone who could leave whenever his interest waned.
His desire to not be hurt again made him shrink back.
Haeyoon continued to wash for a long time after that, scrubbing his body under cold water until it turned red.

* * * *

Jaeyeol stared blankly at the door lock, which wouldn’t open no matter how many times he entered the code.
He was now at Haeyoon’s studio.
His heart had pounded when he saw Haeyoon’s car parked outside.
He had thought there might be no one there since he’d come impulsively without contacting him, but the prospect of finally meeting Haeyoon made him oddly excited.

Jaeyeol also had an excuse.
After first contacting him while drunk, he had called and messaged several times since, but there was no response from Haeyoon.
He understood rationally.
Considering what he had done to Haeyoon, even contacting him was shameless.
But a corner of Jaeyeol’s heart still held onto his belief in Haeyoon.
No one knew better than Jaeyeol himself how sincerely Haeyoon had loved him.
Anyone who hadn’t received Haeyoon’s devotion and love couldn’t even begin to fathom its depth.
So he thought that if he kept contacting him, Haeyoon might eventually respond.
Seo Haeyoon had always been weak to Oh Jaeyeol, so perhaps he would listen to him once, pretending not to.
If they met face to face, his resolve would weaken.
Seeing him tired and worn out, Haeyoon might even worry.
That’s how Seo Haeyoon was.
Unlike his outward appearance, he was soft-hearted.